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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want her to give the card back?

200 replies

CardCardCard · 10/11/2018 14:24

DH works in a supermarket and has an employee’s store card which gives him a significant discount. He is also entitled to one additional spouse’s card.

For over 5 years, his mum has been using this card.

DH and I got married 2 years ago. And at first I was happy to just go shopping together to get the discount.

But now we have a DC, I’m getting fed up of having to wait until he’s around to do the weekly shop and would like him to take the card off his mum so that I can use it at my convenience.

However all hell has broken loose with his mum calling me a selfish demanding bitch. She says it’s unreasonable of me to want to take it off her when DH and I can share his card.

Thing is though, I don’t even know if it’s legal for her to be using the card at all. It specifically says it’s for the partner of said cardholder.

AIBU to want DH to take the card off her?

OP posts:
theonetowalkinthesun · 10/11/2018 14:47

I personally don't think you should get the card back. At the moment, she gets a discount and you get a discount. If you get the card back, she gets nothing and you get a discount. A discount that you already had. And it's a tiny more convenient for you. But a whole lot less convenient for her.

NobodysChild · 10/11/2018 14:47

So, is your name on the additional card that MIL has? If so, I would be asking for it and letting her know that your husband can and will be sacked if she is caught using it. In the meantime, get your husband to do the weekly shop after work or on his day off. If he doesn't like it, tell him you will do the shopping, but will have to pay full price as you don't have the discount card.

Therealjudgejudy · 10/11/2018 14:47

I'm more concerned about your mother in laws attitude to you. Why hasn't your husband gone nuclear on her for that?

KC225 · 10/11/2018 14:52

Yolo You are saying don't take the card back as it not such a great discount, but that could work the other way, if it's jot such a great discount would MIL miss it.

Agree with the above poster, your DH should be pulling her up on talking to you like that. After that outburst, I would definitely be taking the card back.

bringbackthestripes · 10/11/2018 14:54

That is a sackable offence if the T&C’s say for ‘immediate household members’. He is an idiot for giving it her in the first place.
What has DH said to her about calling you a selfish demanding bitch? She sounds charming Hmm

CuriousaboutSamphire · 10/11/2018 14:56

Look, whatever the rights and wrongs, ethical dilemma and all that - the real bottom line is that your are now married, have kids and it is possible that her using his 2nd card could lose him his job.

Your DH should look at that aspect of it first and foremost.

But I would have expected him to tell her to step off once she started to swear at you like that!

You may have a bigger problem than a discount card!

ButchyRestingFace · 10/11/2018 14:57

I was feeling a bit #mehwhatever about the whole thing until you said this:

”However all hell has broken loose with his mum calling me a selfish demanding bitch”

Whose name exactly is on that card??

LightastheBreeze · 10/11/2018 14:57

You could end up with the cards being taken away because of misuse, or worse getting the sack. When DS worked at Waitrose I had the second card as he was living at home, when he went to university I was still able to have the second card but when he left university someone in the same household had to have the card, I couldn't have it. Shops take this quite seriously as you get quite a reasonable discount, I was very sad to have to give up the card as I used it a lot more than DS.

Outfoxed · 10/11/2018 14:58

If it’s a certain upmarket supermarket, he can log into his employee account, cancel hers and order you one. Assuming he has the balls to do that to his mum.

Howtodeal · 10/11/2018 14:59

I used to work for Sainsburys and the rules were really specific - your MIL using the card would definitely have been outside the rules.

Caprisunorange · 10/11/2018 14:59

His mum always had the card. OP says more than 5 years and she’s been married 2.

EK36 · 10/11/2018 15:01

Tell your husband to report mils card as lost so they issue new ones.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 10/11/2018 15:02

What's your DH's view on this?

Esspee · 10/11/2018 15:03

If your husband won't back you on this then make him do the shopping. Make a list and give it to him. Every.single.time. (Then have a think about why he is not putting his immediate family first)

Unicornandbows · 10/11/2018 15:03

Think it's unfair on the mil as even though it's a bit inconvenient for you you still get a discount whereas she won't.

Unless you could get your dh to go with his mum shopping every week or whenever she needs to

BewareOfDragons · 10/11/2018 15:03

Yikes! If my MIL called me a selfish demanding bitch my DH would pull her up so hard!

She shouldn't be using the card by the sounds of it.

Tell your DH you would like to be able to get the shopping done when he's at work so you'll have more time together as a family when he's off, because that's just sensible! And unless he wants you spending more family money than you need to, just because he can't stand up to his mother, then you two have a real problem. The perk is supposed to be for your family, not his mother.

BertrandRussell · 10/11/2018 15:04

If she really called you a “selfish demanding bitch” then why are you talking about a store card, ffs?

CuriousaboutSamphire · 10/11/2018 15:05

I'd have thought he was lucky they haven't noticed, especially now he has got married. But I suppose that's easier for the employer with women who change their name!

But I don't know any of them who would be happy to be supporting 2 households when the cards are only meant to support 1. So, regardless of how long it has been as it is now he needs to check what his employer allows and consider the repercussions for his family if he loses his job.

Balancing that against annoying his mum should be easy enough to do!

planechocolate · 10/11/2018 15:08

And how did your dh respond when his mother called you a selfish demanding bitch - what did he say to her?

happypoobum · 10/11/2018 15:10

Can you clarify?

Did DH ask MIL for the card back or did you?

In this scenario, he should have told her someone had been sacked for having their mum on the card and he needed to give it back to the store. Is it too late to do this?

Given the current situation I would just tell DH he will need to do all the shopping. Why do you have to go? Surely he's the expert? I understand it's inconvenient to have to do weekly shop when he is around when you have young DC so I just wouldn't bother.

Is it valid for online shops or click and collect?

Lots of ways around this that wouldn't involve falling out with MIL

SoupDragon · 10/11/2018 15:10

At the moment, she gets a discount and you get a discount. If you get the card back, she gets nothing and you get a discount. A discount that you already had. And it's a tiny more convenient for you. But a whole lot less convenient for her.

Alternatively, the MIL could go shopping with her son and still get a discount. It's a tiny bit less convenient for her, granted, but at least it's not likely to get him sacked.

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 10/11/2018 15:13

Your DH is ok with his DM calling his wife a ‘selfish demanding bitch’?!

So if he is not willing to get the card back. The shopping becomes his job.

^^ Also agree with this - when it impacts him, i.e it inconveniences him and makes his life harder I guarantee he’ll get that card back pronto.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 10/11/2018 15:14

the MIL could go shopping with her son and still get a discount. It's a tiny bit less convenient for her, granted, but at least it's not likely to get him sacked

Exactly

MortyVicar · 10/11/2018 15:14

Back story is that he was a confirmed bachelor and apple of MIL’s eye until we met and got married.

Was he living living with his mum until you got married? That would have been legit because it was the same household. Now it isn't the same household so she has to give it up. He should have taken it from her when he moved out of her house, with an apology that she can't have it any longer because that's not how the system works.

LightastheBreeze · 10/11/2018 15:15

It really depends on the rules of the store card, if she isn't entitled to it then certainly get it back, if she is entitled to it then that is for your DH to decide.