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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Long Distance relationship- AIBU to expect to be picked up from the airport?

324 replies

ClassicSuspect · 09/11/2018 14:46

As the title says- I'm (32) in a LDR with my boyfriend (36) of 3 years. I am based in London and he has gone to New York for work for a 6 month contract. We are halfway through the 6 months (he left in August) and spent a week together about a month ago when he came back to visit for his friends wedding, which we both attended.

I am due to fly over there in 2 weeks time and am really excited about it. However, he's asked if I would mind getting a cab to his from the airport to save him coming to get me as 'it's a pain to get to'. It's about a 25-30 minute drive (he has a car).

Am I in my rights to be a bit put out by this considering the journey I would have made to get over there, that he can't even be arsed to meet me at the airport? He said I'm being awkward and it is 'so easy' to get a taxi that it wouldn't make any difference to me and saves him sitting in traffic and trying to park.

When he visited I picked him up (at 6am) and dropped him off back at the airport, and I wanted to do that.

AIBU expecting this?

OP posts:
anniehm · 10/11/2018 07:17

Security has made picking up at airports really hard, and traffic can be horrendous in New York. Public transport may be the better option! I don't think it's unreasonable, ask to use his Uber/Lyft account!

Hellywelly10 · 10/11/2018 07:29

What an arse. Meeting at train stations and airports is very romantic. Id be tempted to get a taxi to a bloody hotel insted.

Flowerpot2005 · 10/11/2018 07:29

Aww I think BF is getting a right old bashing.

OP He didn't say you have to get yourself a cab, he asked if you'd mind & gave a very reasonable explanation of why.

He's made a huge effort in researching, arranging & books things for your trip & will have gone to a lot of expense already. He's obviously looking forward to seeing you & very much wants you to enjoy your visit. If he didn't care, he'd not have made all that effort.

I know you picked BF up at 6am & took him back to the airport when he came home, did you plan anything special for him?

ComeTheFuck0nBridget · 10/11/2018 07:53

YABU. I can understand why you want him to but really I think driving to and parking at the airport in NYC is a nightmare. I wouldn't even get a taxi to be honest, I'd get the train instead.

LizzieBennettDarcy · 10/11/2018 08:00

If you're flying into JFK, YABU. It took us 2 hours both ways into and out of Manhattan - one was a thursday morning, one a sunday afternoon. It was utter gridlock everywhere and the airport was absolute chaos at drop off points.

I'm sorry but I'm with the BF here. Get the train into grand central and get him to meet you there. Can't think of anything more romantic.

masterandmargarita · 10/11/2018 08:04

I loved being met by my boyfriend at JFK after a long flight from london. He's now my husband.

mirialis · 10/11/2018 08:08

Spending time apart like this when you are not actually in an LDR (i.e. the distance has not always been there and is not a permanent thing) can be difficult and make you feel a bit insecure/heightened emotions, particularly if you feel that he is having an adventure without you in NYC.

Don't worry about the cab thing - it really does make most sense from JFK. It's what he does for you when you get to his apartment that will really show you how excited he is to see you/how much he's missed you. Don't waste any more time feeling disgruntled or arguing over this - let the excitement and anticipation build and enjoy it as your trip will be over in a flash!

What time do you land? Get some planning in for minimising the jet lag so you can enjoy as much time together as possible (e.g. depending on what time I'm going to get to NYC for short work trips I either do/don't let myself sleep on the plane, do/don't eat at certain times, go to bed at certain time etc. as it makes a big difference to me).

Guavaf1sh · 10/11/2018 09:36

YABU

LillianGish · 10/11/2018 09:52

Jump in a cab and have your romantic reunion when you get to his place. Much more romantic than fighting your way back through the traffic together with him at the wheel. Hopefully he'll be using the time he would have spent fighting his way to and from the airport in the car to prepare a lovely welcome for you at home. Some airports are a dream to pick up from (Berlin Tegel anyone?) sometimes public transport is just easier all round. Don't let this spoil your trip.

DeadGood · 10/11/2018 12:21

“It is SO MUCH EASIER to walk out of arivals and hail a cab, than have someone drive to the airport, find somewhere to park, then wait, then wait some more if you're delayed, then greet you, then trundle off to the car, then set off back into horrendous traffic.”

I agree. Airports are not romantic places and I feel awful when I’ve just stepped off a flight. Any delays, picking up my luggage, queues at customs, stopping to brush my teeth, I’d be worrying about taking too long.

NordicNobody · 10/11/2018 12:37

When we lived abroad we asked all our visitors from the uk to take the shuttle bus from the airport but 1) we didn't drive/ have a car, 2) a return bus was about £50 so very expensive for us to go meet them at the airport, and 3) we arranged and paid for their bus both ways. Not meeting you AND expecting you to pay is rude IMO since presumably you've already shelled out a lot for the flight!

Also, on this point:

"I did remind him that I picked him up from the airport for his visit and his response was 'but I do other things for you, that you don't do for me'."

My question would be "like what?"

irregularegular · 10/11/2018 12:40

I have to admit, even I would kind of expect him to be keen enough to see me that he would make the effort (unless major work commitment etc). If driving is really awkward he could get public transport, meet you, then get taxi back. It isn't that hard.

I spend nearly 5 years in SF and always picked my boyfriend, later husband up from airport. Admittedly he didn't meet me in London but he didn't have a car and I think going back to your home country is different from arriving somewhere new.

I think it depends on context. If you are confident that he is generally a loving, caring partner - and this is just reflective of a pragmatic streak- then I wouldn't be too bothered. Dh can be a bit like that. But if you have your doubts it isn't a great signal.

bridgetreilly · 10/11/2018 12:43

if you really want me to I will

OP, your answer is: I really want you to.

Though, tbh, if it were me, I'd suggest he comes to the airport by public transport and then you get a taxi home together.

kaytee87 · 10/11/2018 12:48

This wouldn't bother me at all. Seems daft him having to drive (probably in traffic) have a nightmare trying to park etc then drive back when can easily get a cab.
He might want to have a nice meal ready for you or something. You say he's made a lot of effort planning activities etc for the trip so tbh I'd just give him a break.

GoldenKelpie · 10/11/2018 12:59

My DH is the practical type and his idea of loving behaviour is not mine (He has never bought me flowers or perfume for example, I buy my own). But he is thoughtful in other ways, which I appreciate (organises surpruse weekends, takes me to shows and plays he knows I, not necessarily he, will enjoy).

OP, your partner has planned all sorts of lovely things for you to experience together when you visit, he may just be thinking practically about you getting a taxi. Just go and enjoy your time together..

irregularegular · 10/11/2018 13:04

Having now read your post about the planning etc he has done, I actually wouldn't worry about it. He probably as a point about JFK.

Iamclearlyamug · 10/11/2018 13:18

Wouldn't bother me tbf - I'm in an LDR and in winter my partner will pick me up but in summer he doesn't because a cheap airport transfer costs less than a tenner which is less than the fuel it would cost for him to do it himself. I don't mind at all, just means I have dinner and wine waiting for me the minute I arrive 😂😂

mirialis · 10/11/2018 13:21

"I did remind him that I picked him up from the airport for his visit and his response was 'but I do other things for you, that you don't do for me'."

My question would be "like what?"

Have to say DH always picks me up/drops me off at airports when I travel for work, whether for short or extended periods, and I never do for him when he comes to visit. I don't feel bad about it in the slightest as he does do lots of things for me that I don't do for him and I do lots of things for him that he doesn't for me, both on a day-to-day and one-off basis. We are different people with different styles and expectations/needs, but we just gel really well together as a team because we know the other person's happiness is fundamental to our own happiness.

Imsoimso · 10/11/2018 13:29

I wouldn't be arsed flying over either if he can't even be arsed to meet you on arrival. Why bother. Then again, I'm single (probably for a reason lol).

Hollycatberry · 10/11/2018 13:43

Driving to JFK is a nightmare. Public transport is also a nightmare. You can take the subway but it takes ages or two trains (LIRR/airtrain). He will have no idea how quickly you will clear immigration so difficult to know when to arrive to meet you. Also booking a taxi is pointless as you don’t know how long you’ll be in immigration. Better to join the taxi line or request an Uber when you’re out.

I get it’s disappointing to not have someone pick you up, especially if you had an idea of a big romantic meeting but JFK is not an easy airport to get to and as others have said. I don’t think New Yorkers would make a journey to meet someone due to the time it takes. Bear in mind his colleagues / friends may have given him that advice so it may seem harsh when he’s just being practical.

NordicNobody · 10/11/2018 13:44

Oh yeh, I'm not saying that a partnership in which you do some stuff and they do some stuff, and it's different stuff but it still balances out isn't a valid way to be mirialis. I think that's a total normal way for couples to behave. I was just questioning whether that was actually true of the OPs relationship. If it's true that he does stuff for her that she doesn't for him, then it's less of a big deal that she did something for him that he won't do for her. But if he's just throwing this out to deflect the argument and the OP can't actually think of any examples when he's done stuff for her that she wouldn't do for him, then that's a problem. Or if the unreciprocated stuff he does for her is stuff that can't actually be reciprocated, like, I don't know, he buys her chocolate and she never buys him chocolate but actually he doesn't like chocolate. It's obviously something he's said to try and press the point that they're both equal in doing this, and in just wondering if that's true.

HeckyPeck · 10/11/2018 13:58

He’s not even offering to pay for the cab? That’s rude and very poor hosting!

If all else is going well, I’d go and see how things went, but next time he came to visit me I definitely wouldn’t be collecting him from the airport!

Dungeondragon15 · 10/11/2018 14:11

I was in a LDR with now DH for many years and I always got a taxi to his house. He couldn't drive but even if he had I'm not sure I would have wanted a lift considering that getting a taxi was actually easier and quicker. Driving to the airport can be a nightmare. People's suggesting that he should get a taxi or use public transport to the airport are nuts. What a waste of time and money.

mirialis · 10/11/2018 14:50

He’s not even offering to pay for the cab? That’s rude and very poor hosting!

Yeah, I didn't pay for BF's (now DH's) cabs either when he came to visit - I did stock up the fridge with all his favourite foods and drinks and have something waiting for him when he got there. It wasn't that long (just over a year) before we were living together when I was in the UK and on joint finances anyway so "who pays" was irrelevant after that. I suppose I didn't particularly think of myself as "hosting" though in a way I would if a friend - or even a sibling - were coming to visit. We were partners and totally together - my work just took me abroad for 3-6 months sometimes.

Milly345 · 10/11/2018 17:34

NYC is full of cars, id take the taxi, it’s whats done there- he could come meet you in a taxi though unless he’s working when you arrive ?

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