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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Long Distance relationship- AIBU to expect to be picked up from the airport?

324 replies

ClassicSuspect · 09/11/2018 14:46

As the title says- I'm (32) in a LDR with my boyfriend (36) of 3 years. I am based in London and he has gone to New York for work for a 6 month contract. We are halfway through the 6 months (he left in August) and spent a week together about a month ago when he came back to visit for his friends wedding, which we both attended.

I am due to fly over there in 2 weeks time and am really excited about it. However, he's asked if I would mind getting a cab to his from the airport to save him coming to get me as 'it's a pain to get to'. It's about a 25-30 minute drive (he has a car).

Am I in my rights to be a bit put out by this considering the journey I would have made to get over there, that he can't even be arsed to meet me at the airport? He said I'm being awkward and it is 'so easy' to get a taxi that it wouldn't make any difference to me and saves him sitting in traffic and trying to park.

When he visited I picked him up (at 6am) and dropped him off back at the airport, and I wanted to do that.

AIBU expecting this?

OP posts:
BackBoiler · 11/11/2018 09:36

Maybe I am a bit of a giddy person but I would be waiting for my partner at the airport not giving a thought of how easy it would be to get there but because I wouldn't be able to wait to get my hands on him after not seeing him for so long!

AFistfulofDolores1 · 11/11/2018 09:39

If it's JFK, I'd also be offering to get a cab. It's horrendous.

BackBoiler · 11/11/2018 09:40

However looking at pps comments about the traffic do you want him stressed trying to get to you when its less trouble to get a cab

woollyheart · 11/11/2018 10:00

I see why you are a bit put out, especially when you have collected him.

I always find people collecting me quite stressful. There's the chance that we might miss each other, they might be late and I have to hang around for ages when I could have just jumped in a cab or train, or I might be late, and they are hanging about.

But the world is divided into people who always collect from airports and those who don't.

It doesn't mean that he doesn't care for you.

Mrseft · 11/11/2018 11:08

ClassicSuspect "And nope I think I have to fund the taxi as he said 'does it make a difference if you Uber or not? Is it because you don't want to spend the money?' (30 dollars).
I'm just really upset that we are even having this conversation to be honest! I said I think it's common courtesy to pick up a visitor from the airport and he just said 'I would be happy to get a cab and save you the journey if it was the other way round but if you really want me to I will' "

I'm sorry but that end bit would really bother me! That's putting pressure on you to be ok with the behaviour by making you seem unreasonable for being upset. Sorry, but no. I think he's gone off the boil and is being an arse.

Original poster
ClassicSuspect · 11/11/2018 12:48

Thanks all for your input. A very mixed bag indeed! I was probably over generalising when I said NYC technically it is New Jersey (I haven't been to NYC since I was 15 so no idea on whether this made a difference or not) I am flying into Newark airport and he lives in Hoboken. I get on a work day but I don't land until 7.30pm and I imagine once I make it through customs it will be 9-9.30pm pick up.
I haven't discussed it with him against since. He knows how I feel now, so maybe he will change his mind and be there to greet me, but if not I will take a cab and try not to make too much of a big deal out of it ...

OP posts:
boredretiree · 11/11/2018 13:03

Or..you could be assertive and say yes it matters to me. You are important too.

Figgygal · 11/11/2018 13:07

Sorry but NYC traffic and parking is terrible and he will have to do it both ways

He's not asking you to jump on a megabus
Yabu

FrumpyTrumpy · 11/11/2018 13:12

I don't think it makes a difference because even if it was in the middle of a traffic ridden nightmare, it's a half hour of inconvenience for him after a hours for you. The fact that it's even quieter and a twenty minute drive for him according to google is fairly shit.

Maelstrop · 11/11/2018 14:06

How many of you saying he should pick you up have actually been to JFK? Because there's no way I'd drive to it. I might go on public transport, but even being a very confident driver means nothing in NYC! It's INSANE. I'm happy to drive to Heathrow, Gatwick etc, they're totally tame compared to the traffic round JFK.

Maelstrop · 11/11/2018 14:08

Reading the update, New Jersey is almost as bad.

driveninsanebythehubby · 11/11/2018 14:08

Just out of curiosity, what would he do if it was, say for example, his mum visiting? Or Grandma? Would he have said the same to them about getting a cab?

dogwoofbark · 11/11/2018 14:11

Newark can be as bad a JFK.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 11/11/2018 14:47

Having read peoples feedback I would let it slide OP

LHR for example is relatively simple , sounds like JFK isn’t

mirialis · 11/11/2018 15:38

That's a good time to arrive OP in terms of bodyclock - I always try to book a flight that gets in around 7pm if possible and allow myself a 1-hour snooze on the plane but try to stay awake and take my own food on from the airport (which is nicer than plan stuff even when you're in business) and eat it at a time according to my schedule in NY - means I arrive ready for a late dinner and to go to bed at a normal time so am in synch with my friends quite quickly.

Only you know, really, whether this is "a sign" of something or not - for me and my DH it absolutely wouldn't be and I am always chomping at the bit to see him when we've been apart but know the least stressful solution is for him to get a cab whether it were a working day or not, but particularly if it were a working day. Unless he's given you any hints that that this is not the way he's feeling then ok... otherwise, I'd place a lot more emphasis on how he has made you feel during your daily catch-ups, when he came back to the UK, and how much effort he has put into making sure you have everything he thinks you'll need/want when you get to his place.

easterholidays · 11/11/2018 15:56

Newark is worse than JFK in my experience. I've spent well over an hour in the immigration queue there before. I agree with PPs who say that he simply has a different view of it from you; to him it's impractical and inconvenient for him to come to the airport with no idea of how long it'll take you to get to him and he just hasn't fully understood that it's something you feel very differently about. If it really matters, say so, and say why, but if I were you I'd, as someone else has already said, pick your battles.

When DP and I were long-distance we were fairly pragmatic and although I think we did meet each other at the airport on our first visits, we mostly didn't after that, because I think both of us felt that a nice thing to do for your partner was to not make them spend time with transport logistics, which are dull under any circumstances, when they didn't have to. (And it meant whoever was at home waiting for the other could have some lovely food and something to drink waiting for them!)

myadviceisdontskippaps · 11/11/2018 16:06

My sister lives in nyc. She and my brother in law regularly come to pick me up in their car - they live in Manhattan and I usually fly into Newark or LaGuardia. We’ve done it in rush hour and other off peak times of the day every visit since they bought a car about 6 years ago. (For reference I would do same. Was back in UK and picked up my brother in law who flew in while I was there - drove central London to heathrow in my rental car and back at rush hour).

It’s bullshit that it’s not manageable for her partner to just pick her up, especially now that it’s at 9.30pm - I usually fly in at 8.30pm to Newark and we’re back in Manhattan (including holland tunnel traffic) to my sisters place within 35-45 minutes.

I’ve also driven to nyc from dc area and then picked my mum up from jfk. The traffic there was a little worse (and it was rush hour) but ffs if it’s someone you love don’t you make the effort?

Holdingonbarely · 11/11/2018 16:10

Newark you’ll be out in 1/2 hour. But it is a nightmare to park, a nightmare to get to, a nightmare all round. It is not like Heathrow.
It’s much much much more practical to get a cab.
I really cannot see how you could be upset at this as a grown up

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 11/11/2018 16:24

I can’t believe he accused you of being too tight to pay for a cab - I’d turn it back onto him and ask if he’s too tight to pay to get a taxi to meet you. And I’d be reminding him of the expense and effort you’re going to to see him.

Icanttakemuchmore · 11/11/2018 17:20

It's a 30 min journey one way but an hours round trip for him and a hassle to park he said. Get a taxi. Then you can gauge what's going on when you get there as to the real reason if any.

Larrythecat · 11/11/2018 17:43

What time are you arriving? Maybe he's planning to surprise you at his with dinner ready and whatnot. By waiting at his, he gets an extra 2-3 hours to get things ready (vs. travel each way, waiting time, etc), maybe he has plans to do something for your arrival during that time, which is more romantic than waiting at the airport? (Giving the benefit of the doubt here too).

Or he doesn't want to admit that it would cause work trouble / doesn't want to take extra time off and is hoping he doesn't have to request it. You usually get less than half the annual holidays over there and if he has already taken time off, he might struggle to ask for more time off. Especially since he is quite new there.

stressedoutpa · 11/11/2018 17:52

I wouldn't be happy.

Before I started going out with DH he was at mine to help me with something but had to dash off to pick his sister up from the train station. Stressed he couldn't be late as he didn't want her standing at the station on her own. It pretty much swung it for me as I could clearly see the person he was. He would do the same now.

I would suck it up and get a taxi but pay close attention to what happens when you are there. He doesn't sound like much of a gent. That may not bother someone else but if it's important to you then you may need to reconsider your position.

Larrythecat · 11/11/2018 18:19

Just read your last update. So potentially with immigration queues and flight delays you could also be there past 10pm-11pm? Maybe he wants to get things ready? I'd accept the taxi but also mention I'll be expecting a nice welcome at home lol

Honeyroar · 11/11/2018 20:23

I fly into Newark regularly. The traffic to and from the airport is nowhere near as bad as JFK. It's a whole different ballgame.

randomonhere · 11/11/2018 20:42

Surely the point for the OP is not whether it will be this airport or that airport. As many have said, he could cab it there to meet her, so the traffic /parking situation is irrelevant.

I think the point for the OP is that this is very ungentlemanly behaviour and I would definitely agree with her. It’s ridiculous actually. Even worse, is the expecting her to pay for her own cab Shock.

It’s very rude and speaks volumes. Yes, we can all negotiate pretty much any airport and get ourselves from A to B, but so what? This kind of behaviour in a man is a massive turn-off imo. Very sad to land alone when he is the reason you are there.

The problem is, if he has reached his 30s and hasn’t grasped that this is the height of bad manners where his girlfriend is concerned, there’s probably not much you can say to him.

OP - YADNBU and don’t let anyone tell you that you are. Stick to your principles and tell him in no uncertain terms that you are reconsidering everything in light of his shocking behaviour.