Long Distance relationship- AIBU to expect to be picked up from the airport?

[ClassicSuspect]

As the title says- I'm (32) in a LDR with my boyfriend (36) of 3 years. I am based in London and he has gone to New York for work for a 6 month contract. We are halfway through the 6 months (he left in August) and spent a week together about a month ago when he came back to visit for his friends wedding, which we both attended.

I am due to fly over there in 2 weeks time and am really excited about it. However, he's asked if I would mind getting a cab to his from the airport to save him coming to get me as 'it's a pain to get to'. It's about a 25-30 minute drive (he has a car).

Am I in my rights to be a bit put out by this considering the journey I would have made to get over there, that he can't even be arsed to meet me at the airport? He said I'm being awkward and it is 'so easy' to get a taxi that it wouldn't make any difference to me and saves him sitting in traffic and trying to park.

When he visited I picked him up (at 6am) and dropped him off back at the airport, and I wanted to do that.

AIBU expecting this?

Sometimes I imagine what it would be like to live in a world where it would be "unimaginable" for a partner not to meet you at the airport, and even where people are disgusted if you pay for your own $30 cab.

It must be amazing!

Are you guys all super attractive or something? What's the deal?

This thread reminds me of the "would your DP go out at 10pm on a wintry Sunday night to buy lemon-flavoured water because it's my period" thread. The split there was between "absolutely your DP should go because he loves you and it's the gentlemanly thing to do" and those saying "well he might but I wouldn't ask him to because why would I ask someone I love to do something so pointless". And never the twain shall meet.

Gabilan, haven't read that thread, but 😁

I'm just amazed that anyone who talks of dumping him over it or cancelling the flight, or going to a hotel instead can sustain a relationship... I doubt they can tbh with such inflated expectations.

OP, just trust your boyfriend and get a cab. And getting upset after paying for the flight about having to pay for the cab is petty, is it all about him making an effort for you - do YOU want to see him? Does having to pay 30 dollars make you want to see him less?

I'm relieved to hear though that lots of people said yabu and woman up and don't make a drama out of nothing... I was beginning to lose faith in womankind🙄

There is nothing wrong with having 'inflated expectations'.

I strongly suspect that someone who'd rather be single than accept behaviour from a partner that they're not happy with (no matter how ostensibly petty it might seem to some), is much more able to 'woman up', than someone who just accepts stuff, in the name of continual compromise. 🤷🏻‍♀️

It's not really about being collected from the airport, per se, is it?

And while this might not even register on the radar for many, it will be important to others. And not necessarily for the physical act of being collected, but for the intent behind it, from a partner who actively wants to do it.

I don’t know it depends I suppose. I had a long distance relationship for 2 years - I would take a taxi to his house if he was unavailable. Also the journey was long and I always felt bad for him to drive (esp during rush hour)

If it bothers you - then it bothers you. Unless there are other issues I don’t think this is a ltb scenario (yet)

Newark - I think I can understand getting a cab, and I probably would, seeing the logic in it - but I would also see how the rest of the weekend went. (My main memory of flying into Newark is sitting in a cab in a traffic jam forever.)

I was in a LDR for some years. One of the things that caused me to end it was that it was fine for me to stand outside the airport in any weather waiting for him to turn up, but not fine for him to wait at the airport in his car for more than a minute. His house was about a 15 minute drive away from his little local airport (half way between his and his work;) I had to drive over an hour (assuming the M25 didn't make it far longer) to collect him and drop him off at the UK end. It pissed me off, but I lived with it. It was the not being arsed to do anything for my 40th which was the final straw. But the airport thing was a symptom of a wider lack of interest and unwillingness to put himself out. If everything else had been really great, and he was making an effort for me, it wouldn't have got to me quite so much, but his needs and wishes always took priority over mine. So that's what I would be looking out for in this case, too.

*lazymare Sun 11-Nov-18 08:42:01
Never once has my partner not either met me at the airport or sent a family member/member of staff to pick me up.

A member of staff ... how romantic.*

He's a busy man - I do however think it quite 'romantic' that if he can't meet me there personally (read 'can't, not 'can't be bothered' as in OP's case) he cares enough to make sure I'm picked up, safe and get to him quicker

As has been said, only OP will know whether this is just part of a bigger picture or not. I set my bar high and wouldn't take a transatlantic flight at 10 plus hours where waiting for me was someone who wasn't so excited to see me (work commitments aside) he wouldn't hop on the train/bus to meet me and am worth far more than settling for someone who then went on to accuse me I was being 'tight' to pay a 30 bill taxi fare.

Amazes me how low some people's bar is

It’s barely 7 hours to Newark.
Clearly you don’t know you’re transatlantic flights that well...

Holdingonbarely Sun 11-Nov-18 23:51:22
It’s barely 7 hours to Newark.
Clearly you don’t know you’re transatlantic flights that well...

What? Lol I was generalising - I have no idea how many hours but common sense is it's long haul no?

Thank you for your input into flight length out of what I posted - bravo.

I live 15 mins from Newark (EWR) and there are only 3 terminals and nowhere near as manic for traffic as JFK.

However, unless you are flying with Aer LIngus (where US Immigration and Customs takes place in Dublin and it’s basically like arriving on a domestic flight when the plane arrives in the US), then you could take ages in the immigration hall at Newark - or any US international airport. You might land at approx the same time as an Air India 747 or/and flights from Zurich, Paris, Frankfurt or Taipei so there could be hundreds of people in the hall......and you are not allowed to turn on your phone. On the other hand you may be lucky and clear immigration quickly....but it is impossible to know.

Parking is expensive at the NY area airports and unless your BF has his own allocated parking space in Hoboken, he may return to find that he is driving around the streets trying to find somewhere to park....it’s an absolute nightmare in that one square mile!

I am not excusing his attitude as I’m always doing airport runs but Uber us very cheap; eg. If I get an official yellow NJ taxi to my house it costs around $60 (for 10 miles! + tip) but earlier this year we took an Uber and it was only $17 + tip :)

the airport thing was a symptom of a wider lack of interest and unwillingness to put himself out

I think it's this really. In the case of an ex boyfriend of mine, he didn't want to put himself out at all by driving to a small local airport which took about 25 minutes to get to. Busses were once an hour and it was apparently fine for me to wait 55 minutes if I missed one, but not for him to drive. It was part of a much bigger picture of him never compromising his needs and wants, and me continually compromising mine.

So what I meant to add was that in the this case, it just depends on what else the BF is up to. If he's just being practical about NY traffic and airports but is otherwise caring and attentive then fine. If he is always expecting the OP to fit into his life and never making an effort himself, that's very different.

I dont know why so many posters are going on about driving to jfk. Ive never been to new york but i imagine they have trains?

I can't really see the difference between sending a member of staff and you just getting in a cab tbf. It all sounds very 'Pretty Woman'.

It's not really about setting the bar low. It's about being an independent woman and not needing a man to mollycoddle me. Some of the responses here seem a tad pathetic to me. I like taking the most practical route and having two people travel unnecessarily seems daft.

OP,

(Haven't RTFT) but are you sure you don't have a film scene image in your head, where he's waiting for you in arrivals with flowers and you lock eyes and fall into each other's arms'?

Because in reality, that rarely happens. DH and I have lived separately overseas at various points in our relationship, especially before we were married. When you have to work and getting to/from the airport is a nightmare, sometimes you just can't be met at the airport. We tried when we could.

When I was in the Philippines, getting out to Ninoy Aquino was a several hours long trip due to the traffic chaos and I couldn't take time off; instead a car was sent to collect him.

When he was in Geneva, it was pretty easy to be met, but not always; in these cases I just got the train.

it just depends on what else the BF is up to. If he's just being practical about NY traffic and airports but is otherwise caring and attentive then fine. If he is always expecting the OP to fit into his life and never making an effort himself, that's very different.

This

@Hellywelly10 public transport in the US is not anywhere near as developed as it is in the UK.
Last time I went to NY public transport to
And from the airport was pretty faffy and took forever.

I think if someone expects and accepts being picked up from the airport when they visit you, they should extend the same courtesy when you visit them. If traffic etc makes driving to the airport unfeasible then at the very least he should be offering to pay for a cab, not calling OP tight when she’s always collected him!

Frazzled I am not sure how you got to JFK, but if you take the train to Jamaica and then the AirTrain, it is the cheapest and fastest way to go- really quite fast and convenient. The subway in NY in general works pretty well. (I grew up in NY, live in the UK, but visit my family and friends there regularly.)

HeckyPeck,

That's the thing, I don't think OP's BF expected and accepted that he was getting picked up, I think it was her initiative and turning her offer down would have made her feel like he didn't want to see her, but I suspect he'd have happily (probably happier) made his own way from the airport.
OP, did your BF expect you to pick him up in London, or you just stated that it was what was happening(obvioysly with best intentions, because in your head it was the right thing to do), and not offered him a choice of making his own way?

OP, did your BF expect you to pick him up in London, or you just stated that it was what was happening(obvioysly with best intentions, because in your head it was the right thing to do), and not offered him a choice of making his own way?

I can't remember exactly how it happened, but I'm pretty sure I just offered to pick him up (I wanted to) and he accepted. Also he had some local errands to run for the wedding that same day (he was best man) so he asked if I would mind driving him to those as he obviously didn't have a car, so it made sense to just do the lot at once.
For his return flight he asked if it would be possible for me to take him, (tbf he did say 'if not I can book an Uber') but I said I was happy to and did so before I went into work.

What was the outcome when you went?

Before my husband and I got married, he flew over to see my family (I was staying with them at the time).

I wanted to meet him at the airport. My mother knows I hate driving at night and wouldn’t let me borrow her car. She offered to pay for a taxi for him. My brother offered to drive me but I didn’t want him there for our reunion. I ended up taking an Uber because I wanted to be there to meet him.

Prior to that, we had flown in from different locations to another city. He got there a couple of days before me. He drove a crappy rental car on roads he didn’t know to an airport with inflated parking prices to meet me with a bunch of flowers. It would have been much easier to let me take public transport and meet me at a train station in the city. But he wanted to be with me as soon as I arrived.

My husband is a gentleman. I’m not convinced your boyfriend is.

To be honest it's the attitude of 'i wouldnt expect you to ' (but of course you did and would) and 'well if you really want me to'

It's begrudging and mean isn't it. Which sounds the opposite of you OP. Yes hes booked things to do - are any things you would especially like to do that he is not so keen on?

Is he ever happy to just do what you want, because you would like it? Is he stubborn in other ways?

Because when weighting up whether you want him as a life partner, a man who is mean, selfish and begrudging, while being happy to accept and not even notice your good manners and generosity is a fucking nightmare.