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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Long Distance relationship- AIBU to expect to be picked up from the airport?

324 replies

ClassicSuspect · 09/11/2018 14:46

As the title says- I'm (32) in a LDR with my boyfriend (36) of 3 years. I am based in London and he has gone to New York for work for a 6 month contract. We are halfway through the 6 months (he left in August) and spent a week together about a month ago when he came back to visit for his friends wedding, which we both attended.

I am due to fly over there in 2 weeks time and am really excited about it. However, he's asked if I would mind getting a cab to his from the airport to save him coming to get me as 'it's a pain to get to'. It's about a 25-30 minute drive (he has a car).

Am I in my rights to be a bit put out by this considering the journey I would have made to get over there, that he can't even be arsed to meet me at the airport? He said I'm being awkward and it is 'so easy' to get a taxi that it wouldn't make any difference to me and saves him sitting in traffic and trying to park.

When he visited I picked him up (at 6am) and dropped him off back at the airport, and I wanted to do that.

AIBU expecting this?

OP posts:

Ellisandra · 09/11/2018 15:14

I agree it would be interesting to know how you usually behave with each other.

I know not everyone rates this, but have you read about “5 love languages”? One of those is (I think this is the right term) “acts of service”. Like, taking him to the airport at 6am.

You may see that as an act of love - he may see it as a pita, easier for you to get a taxi, and no big deal.

I get my husband small gifts a lot - but really, he doesn’t care. He gets that it’s a nice thing to do, and I do it from love, but it doesn’t make him feel loved. Whereas me getting him from the airport would melt his heart! Me, I’d be saying “what’s the point in you coming out?”

Horses for courses, but he needs to care about you enough to say “OK, you want that, I’m there!” - because it’s really NOT a big ask* and I’m sure I’m in the minority!

*assuming it’s not also causing a leaving work issue?

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 09/11/2018 15:15

Presumably you've been inconvienced 10 or so hours getting there... And hours round-trip is pretty minor for his to get arsey about... I'd be pissed off and wondering how interested he was in seeing me

Ginger1982 · 09/11/2018 15:17

Yeah I'd be pissed off at this too. You're in a strange city and he expects you to get a cab. If you do, I hope he has an amazing dinner, rose petals and a bath waiting for you!

cushioncuddle · 09/11/2018 15:18

NY traffic is horrendous. He'd be better off getting public transport rather than driving. If he taxis's to airport you're doubling the cost.
I kind of see why he's said what he has but it's not very romantic or thoughtful to your feelings.

joopy79 · 09/11/2018 15:19

Is he meant to be working? If I were doing a six month contract and had already taken time off for a wedding I would be trying to avoid asking for more time off.
I would get a taxi, it's not a major inconvenience, don't let this ruin your trip.

Sowhatifidosnore · 09/11/2018 15:20

Oh dear. My DW and I did the long distance thing for a year before we were marrried. UK-USA and we always met each other at the airport. I didn’t even have a car! But would travel out to airport on the tube... he should be really keen to see you. I’d ask him to get off his backside and collect you, it’s a king enough journey without having to faff around getting a cab!

ImNotReallyAWaitress · 09/11/2018 15:21

The traffic in and out of JFK is pretty bad so I can sort of see his point however when someone is coming to visit from far away it’s nicer to pick them up.

I live abroad and I pick up anyone who comes to visit from the airport even though it’s an hour drive each way as I feel I should make the effort when they have too.

Are there any other problems or just this niggle?

BathFullOfEels · 09/11/2018 15:21

I’ve never been met by dh whenever I’ve flown to meet him in NYC. Traffic really is a pita. There’s a good chance he’d have to allow a couple of hours to guarantee he’d get there on time. Just get a cab - it really is a faff to go all the way to the airport just for the sake of it.

User97532468 · 09/11/2018 15:22

If he was in mostbother cities I’d say HIBU but NY is horrid for drivers so I kind of understand. But he should be making the effort to pick you up, unless he’ll be busy cooking for your arrival and make it up?

Original poster

ClassicSuspect · 09/11/2018 15:23

I did ask is he not excited to see me, and he said he was but does it make a difference whether its at the airport or at his?
I did remind him that I picked him up from the airport for his visit and his response was 'but I do other things for you, that you don't do for me'. For the trip in general, he has planned the itinerary, researched activities for us, booked restaurants etc so the effort has been made there. He has to be fair said 'if you feel that strongly about it I will' though I almost feel like saying don't bloody bother!

OP posts:

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 09/11/2018 15:23

A second lone voice, it seems. I would not expect to be collected at the airport.

It is SO MUCH EASIER to walk out of arivals and hail a cab, than have someone drive to the airport, find somewhere to park, then wait, then wait some more if you're delayed, then greet you, then trundle off to the car, then set off back into horrendous traffic.

I'm not sure why this is so important to you? I wouldn't give it a second thought.

Have a nice trip.

BathFullOfEels · 09/11/2018 15:24

Also it’s not like it’s somewhere where you don’t speak the language or there’s a massive cultural difference that makes it tricky. Just get in the cab and have a lovely time when you see him.

BitOutOfPractice · 09/11/2018 15:26

YANBU

In this same position for many years with my exDP and he never ever once had to get a cab from the airport

HotInWinter · 09/11/2018 15:28

Hmm, i tell DH not to collect me and the kids from the airport.
We usually land at midnight (and leave at 4am). Its a bugger of a drive, absolutely awful to park at, and he usually works the day after/before we fly. I'd much rather have a nice greeting at home than a knackered husband who has just spend 2 1/2 hrs driving.

adaline · 09/11/2018 15:29

I would expect to be picked up and I know DH would come and pick me up in similar circumstances. Yes, I'm capable of getting a cab and of course I don't need to be collected, but it's nice to feel wanted and loved.

And in OP's situation, it would be nice for her DP to make an effort and put himself out to meet her at the airport. She's flying all the way to NYC to see him and he can't be bothered to drive to the airport? Even though when the situation was reversed, she came to collect him?

To me, I'd feel a bit deflated if I flew into JFK to see my partner and he wasn't there to greet me. One of the best bits of going to see family abroad when I was younger was meeting them at the airport! It's something to look forward to when you land, isn't it? Having someone to collect you and not having to deal with the hassle of the airport and a taxi on your own when you're tired.

YANBU at all.

Storm4star · 09/11/2018 15:30

I was in an LDR with an Italian. He used to buy budget flights for £30 but expect me to go to Stanstead to meet/collect him by train (I don't drive). So me buying 2 return tickets to Stanstead was costing me £50, so nearly twice his flight cost! If he'd flown to Heathrow we could have got the tube to mine for £2.50! LDR's are tough!

I think neither of you are being particularly unreasonable though. I see both sides. If everything else is good between you I wouldn't bother arguing over it.

slappinthebass · 09/11/2018 15:31

Sounds lazy and selfish but maybe it isn't. Maybe he wants to be cooking a meal for you rather than sitting in traffic or something.

LanceStatersGold · 09/11/2018 15:31

I can both sides. As a compromise could he use public transport to get to the airport to meet you and you taxi back together?

adaline · 09/11/2018 15:32

Hmm, i tell DH not to collect me and the kids from the airport.

But that's different. OP wants to be collected and has collected him in similar situations, but he's saying he can't be arsed because the "traffic is bad". In other words, she's not worth the effort.

Telling someone not to worry about it is very different to them not wanting to bother in the first place.

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 09/11/2018 15:32

Wow...I suspect I suck at relationship skills, because I would definitely say get a taxi. No point driving out, traffic, parking, long walk, waiting around etc. I'd be at home getting the house and dinner ready...

It wouldn't bother me the other way around either, but clearly I am in a massive minority!

FlippinNora1 · 09/11/2018 15:32

Yanbu this seems very unenthusiastic on his part.

dontalltalkatonce · 09/11/2018 15:33

I wouldn't be impressed with him, tbh.

ShalomJackie · 09/11/2018 15:33

Any other place I would say he should collect but NYC is the one place I would say no. Traffic can be horrific but the yellow cabs have to charge a fixed fee from the airport to the city regardless pf time taken. It really is the only way to do it!

MrsGB2225 · 09/11/2018 15:35

It absolutely wouldn’t bother me either. From reading the MN threads though I seem The minority.

ilovesooty · 09/11/2018 15:35

I'm another of the minority opinion that it wouldn't bother me much. It sounds as though he's invested effort in the visit otherwise.

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