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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Long Distance relationship- AIBU to expect to be picked up from the airport?

324 replies

ClassicSuspect · 09/11/2018 14:46

As the title says- I'm (32) in a LDR with my boyfriend (36) of 3 years. I am based in London and he has gone to New York for work for a 6 month contract. We are halfway through the 6 months (he left in August) and spent a week together about a month ago when he came back to visit for his friends wedding, which we both attended.

I am due to fly over there in 2 weeks time and am really excited about it. However, he's asked if I would mind getting a cab to his from the airport to save him coming to get me as 'it's a pain to get to'. It's about a 25-30 minute drive (he has a car).

Am I in my rights to be a bit put out by this considering the journey I would have made to get over there, that he can't even be arsed to meet me at the airport? He said I'm being awkward and it is 'so easy' to get a taxi that it wouldn't make any difference to me and saves him sitting in traffic and trying to park.

When he visited I picked him up (at 6am) and dropped him off back at the airport, and I wanted to do that.

AIBU expecting this?

OP posts:
DoraJar · 09/11/2018 16:02

I’ll add to the ‘can see both sides’ - as am in a similar position. DH didn’t pick me up last time I came back to London. Would have been nice but agreed wasn’t practical. I do meet him when he flies to my location because it’s a 15 minute drive at most plus very easy and cheap parking (also a taxi would be difficult). I was in NYC earlier this year - it would be much easier for you to get a cab!

Witchofwisteria · 09/11/2018 16:02

YANBU he can't drive 20 miles to the airport but you have to travel over 2000... hell no.

Aeroflotgirl · 09/11/2018 16:02

It shows a deeper meaning, that he can't be bothered for you, despite you flying thousands of miles to see him, and that would put me off. It shows a lack of care. The fact that you are expected to fund it, would put me off seeing him tbh.

Honeyroar · 09/11/2018 16:03

As cabin crew who regularly flies into JFK I agree with him that traffic to and from the airport is hideous, unless on one of the flights that arrive very late. It's probably one of the worst journeys to and from an airport there is.

HOWEVER. He does sound cold and thoughtless. He could easily jump on the sky train and meet you without having to drive. He'd better have some amazing things lined up for you while you're out there or his days should be numbered.

Aeroflotgirl · 09/11/2018 16:04

It shows that he is not into you anymore, and it has fizzled out on his part. I would be having a serious conversation with him.

Andylion · 09/11/2018 16:04

I agree with those saying he should take public transport to the airport and you can both take a cab to his place.

greenlanes · 09/11/2018 16:05

Very good point about US immigration lines. Sometimes I am through so quickly and other times hours. And the languages of love is another really good thing to think about.

Getting a cab from NY into the centre is totally normal. Please enjoy your trip!

VeryQuaintIrene · 09/11/2018 16:05

Traffic is awful and parking expensive in NYC, so I kind of get why he is unwilling, but he should definitely arrange and pay for a cab for you.

MatildaTheCat · 09/11/2018 16:06

I’ve visited family in NY a few times and it was the norm to get a cab. It’s set up that way really and the traffic is grim.

I do see your point but wouldn’t sweat it - or collect him next time either!

Noodella18 · 09/11/2018 16:07

I think @Ellisandra has it spot on. He's thinking about this from a practical point of view and hasn't really grasped that to you it feels like he doesn't care. I expect he registers that you picking him up at 6am from the airport is the nice thing to do, but doesn't make him swoon, so he isn't really seeing why it's a big thing for you the other way round. I have a similar disconnect with my partner about buying small gifts - I will often pick him up a solero or a tshirt because to me they feel like treats, but he doesn't really get the same feeling from it as he would if I bought him a handsfree kit or some new innertubes! Equally, he will buy me bike lights and a foam roller because they are practical, but I'm like I WANT SOME FLOWERRRRRS!!

TBH I would probably feel the same as you, but with the benefit of being an outsider I can totally see his POV as well - driving and parking in NYC is shit, he will be stressed and frazzled by it and won't be able to give you his full attention driving back as well. Cabs are well expensive in NYC too, especially to the airport where there are additional tolls, so I can see why he would think it doesn't make sense to do that. If he's made the effort to plan a lovely trip for you then I'd probably be inclined to give him the benefit of the doubt and just get the cab, or if you do ask him to come meet you, take his acceptance of that at face value and don't be sulky about it.

Satsumaeater · 09/11/2018 16:07

Have you been to NY before? I think if I were going all that way I would want to be collected.

I can see his viewpoint too.

But it's not very gentlemanly to leave your partner to navigate an airport by herself, get a cab with someone she doesn't know, when you're only 30 mins away.

When my DH and I had been together about two years I lived overseas for 6 months and I always used to go to the airport to collect him (by train) when he visited. He used to take himself back though.

MatildaTheCat · 09/11/2018 16:07

Top tip, probably too late- fly with an American airline to avoid long immigration queues as most passengers will be US citizens.

Charolais · 09/11/2018 16:08

There is a huge difference between driving 2 hours on rural roads to get to our closest airport and driving 30 mins in NYC to get to JFK. I've landed at JFK and caught a cab to see friends.

Be really difficult with him if it's your nature you so he knows what he's getting into.

Aeroflotgirl · 09/11/2018 16:10

Yes the least he could do is book and arrange a cab for you, having you do this, just shows that he doesen't care.

Musseswoofles · 09/11/2018 16:11

JFK? I can see his point. It's not like here with our lovely little Heathrow express, it's a magnificent pain the ass to get to, driving or not. Even worse by public transport unless how he a couple of hours to spare. YAB a little U.

EvaReady · 09/11/2018 16:13

Dh and I used to have a LDR and I offered to pick him - he didn't see the point - he could get a cab, it made no difference, no one bothers picking people up blah, blah, blah but I picked him up anyway and he liked it - he liked it so much, he returned the favour over and over again.
He always picks me up now - because it's such a nice thing to do - it feels good!

Ellisandra · 09/11/2018 16:13

But booking a cab when immigrations lines can be crazy makes no sense. Then you have to find the damn cab.

It’s far easier to walk outside and hail a cab in a line or Uber.

I travel for work and always turn down offers from colleagues of cabs to meet me - pita.

alwayslearning789 · 09/11/2018 16:14

Okay.... So the NY traffic is horrendous...

...But he could have at least booked and paid for the taxi as a visitor coming from another continent?

Actions speak louder than words.

You are right to be concerned at this lack of effort on his part.

Aeroflotgirl · 09/11/2018 16:15

Exactly Eva it shows care, or he could meet you via public transport at the airport and go by cab together, the fact that he is not, speaks volumes.

Jaxhog · 09/11/2018 16:15

Only you know whether this is 'typical' for him. It does seem a bit lazy or luke-warm to me tbh.

Personally, I would always meet someone at the airport. It's part of the excitement of having someone to visit you.

Whitecurrants · 09/11/2018 16:16

The combination of NY traffic and unpredictable immigration lines would make me think a cab is the better option

Annasgirl · 09/11/2018 16:18

In a minority but I would never ever meet someone at the airport in NY - traffic really is a pain and so is parking. It is so easy to go out and grab a cab and they are not expensive. Really, if he has put in all the other effort I think YABU.

Sethis · 09/11/2018 16:19

I'm in a LDR and have been, with the same DP, for 1.5 years.

What happens at the airport is basically a combination of practical factors including work, local transport links, time of day, and all the rest of it.

Yes, it's nice to meet or be met at the airport. However it's a pathetically small thing in the grand context of your relationship, and if you value that single act over all the effort he's put into you coming over to stay, planning etc etc then I'm a little confused as to your value system.

As a PP said, it's possible you simply speak different love languages - which isn't to say you're incompatible - but many many couples have things that are tiny to one person and huge to the other. That's why we have discussions and compromise. He's already shown willingness to compromise i.e. to come and get you, and your response is to sulk about it and say "Don't even bother"? Is that really the attitude you want to fly in with?

I mean, yes, he could have been less of an arse about it, but you're coming off as a bit princess-ey yourself, so I don't think 100% of the blame can be laid on either of you. Sort it out and move on.

Collectorofcookbooks · 09/11/2018 16:19

Is there any chance at all that he is planning to meet you as a surprise? Clutching at straws, I know!

I’m on your side OP.

Mummyoflittledragon · 09/11/2018 16:20

YANBU. Can you make your feelings clear? You don’t expect to be picked up in the car and would like to be met at the airport.

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