Daughters c section & MIL

[Ohmyohmyohmyohmy]

My daughter had a c section on Tuesday. She had an emergency so quite traumatic for her.
I was waiting for her in the side room, her DP was in with her, and saw her after she had been sewn up. All went well. She wanted me to stay at the hospital. She came home yesterday to find MIL waiting outside in her car. She’d been asked to wait until contacted to visit. They wanted to get settled in. I got a very upset phone call asking me to come round. When I got there MIL was arguing with DDP. He was angry that she had turned up unannounced, she was angry I’d been at the hospital and seen baby first.
My daughter has come home with me and baby, DDP is joining us this evening. She wants to stay here, with her DP and baby. It’s no problem, I have plenty of room.
What’s bothering me is she does not want contact with MIL, but I have MIL constantly texting and trying to call me, demanding to see her grandchild.
AIBU to block her number and ignore her? To me my daughters feelings come first right now, we can sort MIL out in a few days.

Ohmyohmyohmyohmy I don’t think this thread will be helping you now. There are some quite frankly insane posters and you shouldn’t have to defend yourself for looking after your daughter.

People that view their rights to view the baby as being more important than the mother’s right to recover (particularly one who suffers from anxiety and has had a difficult time) are the ones that will push their children away.

I have seen first hand the damage grandparent rivalry causes and it is not pretty (and in this case it is the mother rather than in-laws that has been difficult). Grandparents have years to develop relationships with their grandchildren. A bit of consideration for the mother in the early days is likely to stand them in far better stead than blazing in and making it about them.

spoilt little princess

Oh I agree. Look at how the mil is handling the situation because she thinks it should be all about her.

I can't believe some of the dross on here! Are people forgetting the major surgery aspect of it? The only people whose feelings matter are the DD, DSIL and the baby. If they don't visitors turning up uninvited (literally an hour so later the visitors would have been welcome) then so be it.

It is shit like this that really has an impact on PND. Your DD will already be reeling from her birth experience and now she will be totally out of her comfort zone, away from her own home and to top it all off, she was denied the positive home coming she would have wanted.

If the birth was taken out of the equation (ie, my daughter just had major, invasive surgery 36 hours ago and her MIL turned up for a visit and made demands as soon as she was out the hospital) people would be unanimously supporting the OP. For some reason people think they have rights when it comes to their grandkids!

I really don't get this seeing the baby first thing.

Because of the timing, I saw my baby nephew before his own father. Doesn't mean anything at all.

The MIL is being ridiculous. Your daughter's wellbeing comes first, and of course if makes sense you were there because you're her mother.

Ask your son-in-law to deal with her. I wouldn't block her, to try and preserve family harmony as much as possible, but keep repeating that she needs to talk to her son, like a broken record. And if she shouts, tell her you need to leave and hang up.

It's rare that bulldozing other people gets you what you want. If MIL had held back a bit and done what was asked (regardless of whether it was reasonable or not, 48 hours post emergency section/birth is probably not when you're feeling at your most accommodating!) all would have been fine and MIL would have had her visit and cuddles.

Now I suspect the relationship is permanently damaged, OP's DD will pull back and as a result MIL will probably see far less of her grandchild than she would have done otherwise. It's not rocket science

I had an emergency section and baby in NICU, it's tough. Only 2 people are allowed in NICU at any one time at my hospital and that was me and DH. I couldn't walk and had a catheter, I was on Iv antibiotics, my BP was high and I hadn't slept for 48 hours. When hosting relatives I generally prefer to be able to wear pants.

I hope your daughter feels better soon OP, the first week is tough but it gets better! Keep on top of the painkillers!

What women have to learn to accept is that as the mother's of sons there is a very good chance they will not be allowed to have any kind of relationship with their grandchildren or maybe a very limit role. Free access and nurturing of grandchildren is mostly reserved for the maternal grandmother.

Yes she should "cool her tits" and "fuck off' get used to the idea of being 'blocked'. The sooner the better. What the hell was the woman thinking anyway? She needs to be told her place. It's a place many of you will find yourselves in one day if you have sons. But I do think it would have been kinder if the new parents, and the maternal grandmother, explained her role before the birth was so could learn to get used to it. The silly woman is probably all excited or something.

Before I'm jumped and told about the mother's rights I must say I totally agree. The mother has the right to share her birth experience and baby with only the people she wants to. I know I did. I was super protective of my babies. Many of us women will find out one day that other women can be very inconsiderate, unfeeling, power hungry and unfair, so good luck to all you mother's of sons.

Wow at some of the fruity responses on here!
DD & DDP want to enjoy getting home with new baby for first time & briefly settle in before having anyone over, but they're in the wrong for not being chuffed to see MIL who's ignored agreed arrangements and is waiting for them to arrive?! I know it's exciting having a grandchild and all but surely anyone who's not a half-wit (or under-bridge-dweller) can see that waiting an hour or so so that new parents can enjoy that moment alone isn't so difficult? They weren't saying 'you'll have to wait a week', they said 'about an hour'. An hour!!!!! 60 minutes so that DD could wince her way painfully into the house and collapse in a hormonal & worn-out heap on the sofa. How is that too much to ask?!
MIL is a fuckwit.

Cherries101 The MIL has already seen and held the grandchild in hospital-she was supposed to visit the afternoon the family came home-she is not deprived. I had an emergency c-section two days after a gallbladder surgery and inflamed pancreas on life support for days in ICU and was discharged twelve day’s later my 30-week gestation preemie came home six weeks after birth from NICU . The only person who greeted us on arrival home was a home health RN who was shocked by how sick my son and I were still. I guarantee if my MIL or my Mom had met us at our house I would’ve lost my shit. It doesn’t mean I’m evil or hate her just needed space and time. I felt and looked like road kill and couldn’t care for myself for three months. An emergency C-section and NICU for baby is traumatic! Best wishes for all the parties involved and esp the Mom and baby

What women have to learn to accept is that as the mother's of sons there is a very good chance they will not be allowed to have any kind of relationship with their grandchildren or maybe a very limit role. Free access and nurturing of grandchildren is mostly reserved for the maternal grandmother.

Bollocks.

If your son and daughter-in-law are more or less normal people, and you treat them and their chidren kindly and thoughtfully, they'll want you in their lives. If you try to bully your way when your daughter-in-law is recovering from major surgery, not.

It's not really that hard to understand.

Agree with smallplant.

My ds was emergency c section. My mum was there and XMIL too. They both came up after. Yeah I was tired and feeling like crap but that didn't mean I'd exclude 1 over the other.
They baby shared and I rested for a bit.

I was in for 5 days and both came in at different times and helped. My X MIL did and still does get on my tits! But ds is her grandson as much as my mums.

Batteries I never said hand over the baby. I'm just in favour of understanding on all sides. The woman is being demonised but we know so little. OP is trying her best and she's in a very uncomfortable position. People on here are quick to jump on the least little thing. It will all calm down soon enough, but just try not to aggravate the situation even unintentionally. Sigh. People get so heated!!!!

This is completely batshit.

OP is supporting her poor DD who's just had unexpected major abdominal surgery and from the sound of it is about traumatized, and a side affect is she got to see the new baby slightly before MIL... And this demented MIL is camping outside and kicking off when she'd already been set to visit?

The DD can probably barely get out of the car without being in pain or maybe still needs help lifting the baby - why on earth is MIL acting do crazy?!

She needs to help, respect sane boundaries, and hear that today isn't about HER.

HER want to see baby does not trump DD and DH need to recover and bond for a couple hours on arriving home.

Fucking unbelievable she's pulling this.

"Yes the DP fucked up by accidentally talking to his mum like a normal person"

Did I miss part of the thread???? Genuinely asking, I thought I'd read all OPs updates. I thought OP said her daughter and MIL had an otherwise normal relationship and her daughter has never complained about her MIL in the past. Have I missed a bit? Is his mum not a normal person?

Seems like a lot of you are projecting your feelings towards your own MILs onto OPs daughter's MIL (not normal, no boundaries etc). Literally all this MIL has done was 1. She was invited for the afternoon, 2. she turned up early instead of waiting for another phone call to say they were ready. I can see how that's distressing and annoying for OPs daughter. It seems like it was an error of communication that took place when the partner phoned his mum to say they were leaving the hospital. I think it's down to the partner to deal with it. Having OP block the woman's number will only exasperate the situation further, surely.

Unless I've genuinely missed the posts where OP said MIL has a history of crossing boundaries/being difficult (have I!?!?) then you are all completely tearing this MIL to shreds for no reason. She made one mistake with timings, miscommunication, she got ahead of herself, she was thoughtless. If she's an otherwise nice woman then that's the end of it. The MIL hate on this forum is completely unreal.

Also agree that this would permanently damage the relationship with MIL, and just wouldn't be tolerated if it was e.g. a hysterectomy or other such major surgery patients recovery.

Poor girl is recovering from and has to deal with someone insisting they must be prioritised over both her and her baby?

I’ve had two emergency sections and I can tell you that the last thing I wanted was anyone except my partner anywhere near me- including my own mother. She didn’t like it but she had to respect it because it was my choice.

I think you’re doing a great job op, and congratulations on your new gc.

Some of the crap I’ve read on this thread beggars belief.

This is not a woman denying access to see her baby, this is a batshit loon imposing herself on a woman who has had a traumatic birth.

And to Mum posting (OP), I think you're a lovely Mum to be trying to keep the baying wolf at bay on behalf of your daughter.
I'm sure this is ruining your experience of your new grandchild also.
But please continue to protect your daughter from this lady.

Completely get where your daughter is coming from, as unfair as it may have seemed, when I had my baby I just wanted my mum and my husband, and wanted the world to leave me alone.

I went to hospital 7.30 the Wednesday morning with my mum and DH.. my MIL sat outside in her car from 11am for four hours until DH had to leave me to go out and tell her to go home.. baby wasn't born until the next day... she and my dad were the first visitors we then had, and refused others until they'd been.

If she was up to it, maybe your daughter could send MIL a text just saying..

'Really sorry things have got so mixed up, maybe some crossed wires.
We had/have no intentions of stopping you seeing baby, in fact the opposite.
We just wanted to come home as our new family together, and take an hour or two to settle in. This is all so new to me, and I'm feeling a little overwhelmed, and we just needed time to ourselves to process everything.
I wasn't favouring my mum seeing baby over you, I just needed my mum there for support for me during the labour and birth.
We'll be home tomorrow at lunchtime, we'd love for you to come over.'

Then she could give her phone to DH and let him deal with the rest of the conversation. It might just put MIL mind at rest that she isn't seen as any less importance to the baby.

Oh for goodness sake! No one said the MIL couldn’t come around. Her son said to give them a bit of time and come over later. Then the silly moo decides to be there when they get them, instead letting them get home and sorting themselves out! She then gets all arsey when her son said we said we would let you know when to pop around!

Really the MIL is being unreasonable on this occasion.

Oh, do give over, Char.

I only have sons and fully expect to take a back seat if/when their partners are pregnant and give birth unless asked to do otherwise.

I will follow the lead of my own MIL who was respectful, loving and put me - as her DIL - first at that time.

I'm certainly not going to become a petty, competitive, tantrum throwing martyr if future DIL's want their own mothers to be with them.

It won't be about me.

I would be firm with her, tell her that your daughter would like some space for the moment, and not to turn up uninvited or keep calling. If she persists then block her number. The MIL probably feels very hurt but she still needs to give her space otherwise she'll get pushed further away.

I thought that an update was necessary. I’ve had a chat to my DDP. It appears that when his sister had a baby a couple of years ago, his mother took over from his sister. She went from a normal reasonable person to a control freak (his words) over the baby. His sister took it for a while but it got worse so she cut ties with her mum for a while. They have a fragile relationship now. DDP said his mother started to get unreasonable over the arrival of his baby. He limited contact with my daughter and his mother as she would say some really weird things regarding the baby. Along the lines of, when baby is here, I’ll be there to advise and show her what to do. Making him think she would be like she was before.

I’ve suggested he go round and have a heart to heart with her, explaining why he and his wife are upset. Maybe put a few gentle ‘rules’ down.

Daughter is feeling a little better and has said they will go home tomorrow, and promises me she will have MIL for tea on Sunday.

For all the comments about MIL, I too am one, so I am quite aware of how it feels, but this time my daughter took preference.

I am looking forward to a quiet weekend.

Who is your DDP? Sorry, not up with the lingo yet.

Oh my. Some mil even he nice ones can turn a bit mad with new babies. My own included. My dh had to tell his own mum to back off a bit. I do think mil are more insecure and jealous than mum's when it comes to grandchildren but that isn't your problem.

You may want to suggest dd inviting themselves to mil for Sunday lunch as at least they can leave

Ok, I'm guessing your son in law? Your daughter's husband?