AIBU to be disgusted with dd's boyfriend - how do I handle this?

[HowTheHellDoIHandleThis]

I've name-changed as dd knows my username.

She's 16, he's 17.5 and they've been dating for about 6 months. He's been sexually active for a while; he is her first boyfriend and she is absolutely devoted to him.

They both use Instagram but dd has never used Facebook. He does and he doesn't put any security settings on his profile - dd and I looked him up, soon after they first met online (shared interest group chat). He had a few pics of him with previous girlfriends and stuff, nothing much.

Anyway, every now and then I glance at his page - I'm not being a stalker but I am concerned as dd is so smitten and really I know so little about him. He went to a party last weekend and a friend has uploaded a bunch of photographs of him with another girl! They are snogging, all over each other.

WHAT DO I DO?

I actually feel quite sick about it. Dd had severe anxiety earlier this year and was off school for 7 months in total; she was also self-harming. Having him in her life has made her so much happier and more confident but now I think he uses her.

For info, they live about an hour away from each other by train so have no mutual friends, other than those they've shared via Instagram. Dd would never be likely to meet or see any of the people at the party as he always comes here, she never goes there. Now I'm beginning to wonder why ... they discussed it as being because she is very anxious about travelling on her own so it was easier for him to come over. They only meet once a week.

Have I been a total mug in allowing him to be with my dd? I am honestly so stressed, my hands are shaking.

How is your dd doing @HowTheHellDoIHandleThis ?
Hope she's ok.

HTHDIHT - you've done great. I'd love you to be my real life friend mum

You managed that really well @HowTheHellDoIHandleThis

Thanks everyone!

She spoke to the bf yesterday, a v long call and they’ve agreed to meet next Friday. V tentative though, she may change her mind. She’s being v strong although I did notice two if her knuckles were v red and swollen and she said she’d felt like self-harming but punched the wall instead. At least she’s telling me things. She really misses him and I think she’s weighing it all up.

We’re visiting a sixth form college tomorrow which she really wants to go to next September so there are things happening to distract her.

Oh bless her, you are a very kind and caring mother, and it is good that she is confiding in you. Just be there for her, and he better not do that again. If he does than your dd should dump the ass off him.

Just want to say how special it is that you have such a close relationship and she tells you when she self-harms. So many don't have that. She's very lucky to have you as her mother.

hubblebubble it’s not really like that. I discovered the self harming accidentally one day about 2 years ago. Then I started looking after that, just subtly, for signs - bloody tissues in the bin etc. I’ve found razor blades stashed away, sharp glass fragments etc. So no, I definitely don’t know what’s going on always.

But she’s telling you. That line of communication is open. That’s massive. A lot of us never had that & would have given anything to have even a one-sentence exchange with our mums about such a sensitive issue. Don’t put yourself down or belittle that at all, OP.

I'm always there to listen to her, it's more that she doesn't always want to tell me. She won't tell me, for instance, if I get upset that she's self-harmed so I've learned to go and cry in the bathroom. The best thing I can do is be practical about it.

How's your Dd, HTHDIHT?