AIBU to be disgusted with dd's boyfriend - how do I handle this?

[HowTheHellDoIHandleThis]

I've name-changed as dd knows my username.

She's 16, he's 17.5 and they've been dating for about 6 months. He's been sexually active for a while; he is her first boyfriend and she is absolutely devoted to him.

They both use Instagram but dd has never used Facebook. He does and he doesn't put any security settings on his profile - dd and I looked him up, soon after they first met online (shared interest group chat). He had a few pics of him with previous girlfriends and stuff, nothing much.

Anyway, every now and then I glance at his page - I'm not being a stalker but I am concerned as dd is so smitten and really I know so little about him. He went to a party last weekend and a friend has uploaded a bunch of photographs of him with another girl! They are snogging, all over each other.

WHAT DO I DO?

I actually feel quite sick about it. Dd had severe anxiety earlier this year and was off school for 7 months in total; she was also self-harming. Having him in her life has made her so much happier and more confident but now I think he uses her.

For info, they live about an hour away from each other by train so have no mutual friends, other than those they've shared via Instagram. Dd would never be likely to meet or see any of the people at the party as he always comes here, she never goes there. Now I'm beginning to wonder why ... they discussed it as being because she is very anxious about travelling on her own so it was easier for him to come over. They only meet once a week.

Have I been a total mug in allowing him to be with my dd? I am honestly so stressed, my hands are shaking.

There's nothing wrong with checking his public fb profile. Pretty much the first thing I do when I find out someone had a new bf/gf is fb stalk them, surely everyone expects people to look at their public profile? It's one of those things they tell you "expect everyone to look at your fb profile so it's safe for viewing". Its public, its specifically there for everyone to see. It's not creepy, I'm pretty certain everyone does it, all my friends do.

OP is understandably worried about her DD, whilst I don't think a 16/17 yr old are going to get married but at 16 your relationships are a bit more serious than a 14yr old. He has cheated and Ops DD will be hurt by it and it's okay for OP to be worried about that, especially with her DDs MH history.

Having him over for meals, suggesting holidays etc is pretty normal for relationships when I was that age. Im Glad my mum took my relationships seriously, they were important to me at the time and they are important to the DD now. It's normal for her to very upset at 16, that's fine and I personally think OP has handled this fine.

But i would add i think its a good idea to wait till after her mocks to tell her. Mocks aren't the end of the world but at the same time it's one extra stress for the DD that might be too much for her. Let her do her best in the mocks and then tell her.

Oh I really feel for you both. I'm sure it's something that she'll get over but it's awful
knowing how hurt she'll feel. I agree with waiting until after the mocks. Let her focus on those, it'd be a shame if his actions caused her to struggle with the mocks, which could then cause her anxiety for the real exams

Oh no what a terrible situation, for you and your DD

If there is definitely no risk of her finding out before - from anyone or of accidentally seeing this thread - then I would wait until Friday.

1 to get the mocks out of the way, and 2 to have her at home where you can keep her safe and she can start processing it in private.

I do hope whenever and however it is dealt with that it is the best outcome it can be though and wish you all well

OP don't feel that you have to keep explaining yourself. There are enough people on here taking your side.

This is a bit off an aside, but I think you were wrong to contact her counsellor. If she finds out you have told her counsellor something private about her life before telling her you may have damaged that trusting relationship between them- you've put her counsellor in a really difficult position.

Having said that, I personally see absolutely nothing wrong with checking anyone's social media accounts - I know I'll do the same when my kids are older! If the mocks end this week then wait til afterwards before sharing what you have found.

Lovestonap I can see how you might think that but that's how it works when you've had a child who is suicidal. You develop a relationship with the counsellor in which you report anything that you think might be a danger so that they can look out for any worrying signs. She does not disclose what I tell her confidentially to dd and she does not disclose what dd says to me confidentially UNLESS she thinks it poses a major risk to dd for me not to know.

You've done nothing wrong in looking at his FB page. I doubt pp understand the definition of the word stalking.

I concur that she's told after her mocks.

OP I have just read this thread and just wanted to say I think you have handled this brilliantly, you're clearly a great Mum, I hope all goes well with your DD's exams and that this news (when you tell her) does not set her back too badly.

I am amazed that anybody here feels you should not tell her, I would do the same in a heartbeat.

Wishing you and your DD the very best

Goodness your thread took a weird turn people berating you for being concerned i wish you and your dd well and hopefully this won't set her back too much

how are your daughter's exams going?

Of course you are concerned! And I certainly wouldn't see looking at public posts on social media as at all strange -- he's your daughter's boyfriend.

Are you going to talk to her tonight?

Update is that dd's mock exams finish today so I'll be talking to her this evening. I have hugely mixed feelings about it but if I didn't tell her it would eat away at me.

The boyfriend has been messaging her about plans for the weekend and yesterday evening she was asking me but I kept being vague and saying nothing was arranged yet. I haven't replied to him directly.

She's so excited about seeing him and their messages are, as always, filled with things that make her smile and laugh (I don't read any of them, just see her face when she reads them).

Good luck.

Why are some people suggesting relationships at that age aren't serious? Me and my husband got together at 15 and are still together 12 years later..

Good luck OP, she may be angry to start with but in the long run this is the best thing you can do.
She may forgive and keep seeing him but she needs to know.
Not a nice position for anyone to be in but at least you have her best interests at heart.
I also don't think you did anything wrong checking his account, as a mother you protect your children.

You sound like fantastic, caring mum who wants the best for her child.
Ignore anyone who thinks any different.
I hope this evening goes okay, poor girl will be heartbroken but she’s lucky to have you supporting her. Good luck x

Thanks everyone. She's home any time now. I'm making her favourite dinner but doubt she'll want it after I've talked to her ...

Oh bless. Hope it goes as well as... (it's probably not going to go well is it, but you are doing the right thing). Lots of tissues and cuddles at the ready. Good luck. for you both.

Good luck

Good luck op.

Hope it goes ok.

Hope you and your DD are okay

Hope she is ok OP. Bless her.

Good luck x