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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be disgusted with dd's boyfriend - how do I handle this?

360 replies

HowTheHellDoIHandleThis · 06/11/2018 14:01

I've name-changed as dd knows my username.

She's 16, he's 17.5 and they've been dating for about 6 months. He's been sexually active for a while; he is her first boyfriend and she is absolutely devoted to him.

They both use Instagram but dd has never used Facebook. He does and he doesn't put any security settings on his profile - dd and I looked him up, soon after they first met online (shared interest group chat). He had a few pics of him with previous girlfriends and stuff, nothing much.

Anyway, every now and then I glance at his page - I'm not being a stalker but I am concerned as dd is so smitten and really I know so little about him. He went to a party last weekend and a friend has uploaded a bunch of photographs of him with another girl! They are snogging, all over each other.

WHAT DO I DO?

I actually feel quite sick about it. Dd had severe anxiety earlier this year and was off school for 7 months in total; she was also self-harming. Having him in her life has made her so much happier and more confident but now I think he uses her.

For info, they live about an hour away from each other by train so have no mutual friends, other than those they've shared via Instagram. Dd would never be likely to meet or see any of the people at the party as he always comes here, she never goes there. Now I'm beginning to wonder why ... they discussed it as being because she is very anxious about travelling on her own so it was easier for him to come over. They only meet once a week.

Have I been a total mug in allowing him to be with my dd? I am honestly so stressed, my hands are shaking.

OP posts:
Original poster
HowTheHellDoIHandleThis · 09/11/2018 13:15

Nanny0gg tbh I wil be extremely surprised if she doesn’t give him a second chance. She’s besotted with him and they seemed great together. However, I know from experience that it won’t be the same for them any more and I would imagine they will eventually part because of it. She will definitely be guarded and he will know he’s lost her trust.

OP posts:
poptartprincess · 09/11/2018 13:34

OP, you handled this situation very well. I've been in your DDs position (although quite a few years back) and it's very tough, especially when you've got so much going on in your head as it is. It was definitely a good idea to speak to her Camhs worker, I often found myself wishing my mum wouldve done the same back then. Keep an eye on her and her mood. And if she has a history of ED or body dysmorphia this could be a high risk time for relapse. She just needs to know you are there, and that you love her. We can already tell you do. You seem like a great parent, and I know it's hard in yourself when your child is struggling Flowers

PilarTernera · 09/11/2018 13:44

I don't think he 'deserves' a second chance, but it would not be unreasonable for her to give it to him. He is her first boyfriend and the whole thing is a learning experience for her.

They are teenagers. It would probably have fizzled out sooner or later. It's a hard balancing act as parents to support them while at the same time allowing them to spread their wings and become independent.

DeadGood · 09/11/2018 13:52

“It just shows how little he thinks of her, if he can go out get drunk and just kiss a girl like that.”

I don’t agree and I don’t know why this is such a common attitude. This guy did this because he was drunk and thought it would be fun. It’s not something he did to make OP’s daughter feel bad.

OP I hope your daughter is ok. Xx

sweeneytoddsrazor · 09/11/2018 13:54

Everybody makes silly mistakes sometimes, @Pilar especially youngsters who have yet to learn how to drink. Only the ops daughter can decide if he has hurt her too much to have a second chance but it would be a sad world if we couldn't acknowledge that people do make mistaked and genuinely regret them, and we then didn't forgive them.

PilarTernera · 09/11/2018 14:06

Very true sweeney. It's up to the op's dd to decide how she feels and what she wants to do.

Original poster
HowTheHellDoIHandleThis · 09/11/2018 14:26

I have a memory that I am so not proud of. I had a boyfriend at 16 - we ended up being together for 4 years and it was a true teenage romance type thing. But about 2 years in, I met a new friend, female, and we started going to clubs in the city and one night, a bit tiddly, I ended up kissing a boy and him giving me a massive hickie on my neck. I tried to cover it up with make up / clothes but whilst out shopping my boyfriend saw it. I can still remember the look of total surprise and hurt - he had NO idea. What I’m trying to remember is that to me, at that age, it was nothing. It didn’t hit me that it was something until I saw his reaction. I loved him, wasn’t interested at all in the other boy and we stayed together; he totally forgave me and was more scared of losing me than he was angry at what I’d done.

Emotions are so immature at this age. I actually cringe inside when I remember that.

Dd texted at lunchtime and seemed okay. I’ll chat to her later if she wants to. I may be a softie too but I’d forgive him and see what happens; he really is a sweet boy. But I wouldn’t trust him again. It’s up to dd, no idea what she’ll decide to do at this point. She still has him blocked so she is making him suffer a bit at least.

OP posts:
Fashionista101 · 09/11/2018 14:29

I think that's great you can relate a bit. Young love is the hardest, especially your first love!

Aeroflotgirl · 09/11/2018 14:32

Its up to op dd Nanny, best to teach her to take no shit from anyone, give em an inch they will take a mile.

Aeroflotgirl · 09/11/2018 14:32

Best teach her it now early, this is a good lesson to her.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 09/11/2018 14:37

And what advice would you give @Aero if OP had posted that she had seen a pic of her daughter drunkenly kissing someone else. Would you say she is young we all make mistakes or tell her bf to dump her and take no shit.

Aeroflotgirl · 09/11/2018 14:43

I would not tell her bf anything why would I sweeney, I would tell her that she was wrong, and it is up to the boyfriend to approach it how he sees fit. Hopefully she will be more mature in the future. Mistakes are learning opportunities, that is one for the boyfriend isen't it! Whether op dd decides to give him another chance or dumps him. Yes it is a good lesson for girls to not take rubbish, and to do it from a young age, start as you mean to go on.

Aeroflotgirl · 09/11/2018 14:51

I would also tell her to be honest with her boyfriend, before he finds out from outside.

BewareOfDragons · 09/11/2018 16:18

Perhaps,if you truly think he feels awful and you know he's a sweet boy generally, you should think about telling your daughter the story you just relayed to us. They're both very young, and young people often make very silly mistakes in their relationships as they learn about themselves ... like you did.

shearwater · 09/11/2018 16:40

You've handled it very well, OP.

As others have said, ignore the ocean-going numpties talking about stalking.

Original poster
HowTheHellDoIHandleThis · 09/11/2018 16:57

Thanks all.

I've been coming on MN since dd was about 2 (14 years!) so I've seen all sorts on here and know when to ignore people who just want to wind you up.

The support from the good ones is great though, like nothing else.

OP posts:
loveyoutothemoon · 09/11/2018 17:52

How is she feeling tonight OP?

Original poster
HowTheHellDoIHandleThis · 09/11/2018 18:02

She's at her friend's house as it's the friend's birthday. It's just the two of them, playing MarioKart, doing nails, eating rubbish food. I hope she'll talk to the friend but dd is very reserved generally. Not much of a sharer. She has texted to ask if she can come home a bit earlier so she's maybe not feeling that great.

OP posts:
loveyoutothemoon · 09/11/2018 18:59

Aww bless her, I think her friend will be able to tell something is wrong and hopefully she''ll her. Sounds like she needs more mum cuddles. :)

KittensAndCake · 09/11/2018 20:05

Aw bless her.
You absolutely did the right thing waiting for her mocks to be over.
I'd be inclined to forgive him too, as long as he is totally remorseful make him suffer first though.
Hopefully he's learnt his lesson and your DD is feeling better soon 🌸

Original poster
HowTheHellDoIHandleThis · 09/11/2018 20:42

She’s back and v quiet, going to chill out in her room for a bit then come and watch tv with us. I treated her to a new cosy sweatshirt which she’s wearing. Fingers crossed x

OP posts:
Fashionista101 · 09/11/2018 21:33

Awhhhh I would love to give her a big cuddle ❤️

Original poster
HowTheHellDoIHandleThis · 09/11/2018 21:50

Cuddles always at the ready. I can hear her talking to someone - wonder if it’s him!

OP posts:
ChristinaMarlowe · 09/11/2018 22:35

Just read the entire thread - you've handled it brilliantly OP. You sound like a lovely Mum. I hope it all works out well for your daughter and at least it's a life experience learned gently if she does decide to give him another chance. As your memory proves, teens are very immature at that age and it doesn't mean he's a terrible choice for her. She sounds like she's dealing with it really well and taking the time away to think with him blocked etc. is a very mature and measured response for a 16 year old. Love to both of you 

Original poster
HowTheHellDoIHandleThis · 10/11/2018 00:51

Thanks Christina it’s not always easy! Learning everyday.

OP posts:
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