AIBU to be disgusted with dd's boyfriend - how do I handle this?

[HowTheHellDoIHandleThis]

I've name-changed as dd knows my username.

She's 16, he's 17.5 and they've been dating for about 6 months. He's been sexually active for a while; he is her first boyfriend and she is absolutely devoted to him.

They both use Instagram but dd has never used Facebook. He does and he doesn't put any security settings on his profile - dd and I looked him up, soon after they first met online (shared interest group chat). He had a few pics of him with previous girlfriends and stuff, nothing much.

Anyway, every now and then I glance at his page - I'm not being a stalker but I am concerned as dd is so smitten and really I know so little about him. He went to a party last weekend and a friend has uploaded a bunch of photographs of him with another girl! They are snogging, all over each other.

WHAT DO I DO?

I actually feel quite sick about it. Dd had severe anxiety earlier this year and was off school for 7 months in total; she was also self-harming. Having him in her life has made her so much happier and more confident but now I think he uses her.

For info, they live about an hour away from each other by train so have no mutual friends, other than those they've shared via Instagram. Dd would never be likely to meet or see any of the people at the party as he always comes here, she never goes there. Now I'm beginning to wonder why ... they discussed it as being because she is very anxious about travelling on her own so it was easier for him to come over. They only meet once a week.

Have I been a total mug in allowing him to be with my dd? I am honestly so stressed, my hands are shaking.

Has your dd got close friends for support as well as you?

Maybe she knows if they have mutual friends maybe somebody has showed her ? I would just tell her get it over with say you were being nosey and saw the photos

You need to show her.
It's probably going to really upset her but he's going to break her heart at some point anyway.
It's better it happens now with you there to comfort her.

I think I have to tell her too. She will be so angry and upset.

I'd agree with DH and wait until after her last exam.

If she's been so poorly, fingers crossed not, but if it flares up again during her real exams, she might end up relying on her mocks to meet entry requirements in whatever she wants to do after school (if thats still how it works).

I was smitten with a lad at that age and there's no way I could've done well in an exam if I'd heard he'd cheated the night before.

To be fair, there are pics of my DD on facebook kissing and hugging boys and they aren't her boyfriend, they are just friends.

Good luck whatever you decide to do, it's not easy parenting teens.

You don't want to make a hoha of it she is going to be hurt regardless she might dump his arse and get on with it

tell her. he cheated. if they have slept together go get her tested. its only a mock exam not the real thing.

What are you going to do if she decides to give him a second chance? I get you are protective of your daughter but it isn't right to be looking on her boyfriends sm because you dont know him.

I just don't know how I will manage to not tell her, regardless if it's for the best. I'm not a great liar and I'm very angry and upset on her behalf. He often texts me about arrangements for the weekend.

Please tell her today. Or how will you explain keeping it from her? Don't lose her trust.

I don't think nosing on sm is right either but lets be honest we all have done it especially if you have teenagers socialising is all different these days imo you do need to ĺook at who their friends are.

I would tell her after her mocks on Thursday.

Do they not have Snapchat?

MrsJayy it's very easy to make your social media private and he didn't. Maybe I shouldn't have looked but I'm glad I did. Or actually I hope I'll be glad because right now I'm wishing I didn't know ...

Yes they use Snapchat a lot

I’m surprised then that his activities have not appeared on his story or him be tagged in other people’s stories.

I am friends with lots of my teenagers friends on various sm and I know damn well if there is something they dont want parents to see they can set that particular picture or post to reflect that. So bit pointless snooping.

I understand why you did what you did, and I also agree that now you know you have to tell her. But...in the days before social media you wouldn't have had this dilemma. She's 16, not 30 and married to the guy. Teenage years are full of great romances and yes, heartbreak too. It's a normal part of growing up and I'm not sure she'll appreciate the fact you interfered. I've never looked up any of my DDs boyfriends (she's 28 now) and I don't think she would have been very happy with me if I had! I'm sorry but to me it feels like an invasion of privacy.

It probably has been on snapchat, she may well be aware and accepting that it is just a friend. What will you do then?

Sending you strength.

But it's not fair if she thinks they are exclusive and he's actually playing the field

THIS ^

Awful as it is (and I do NOT envy you that conversation), they may be having, or about to have, a sexual relationship - he could give her any kind of venereal nasty if he's putting himself about. She could end up very, very ill or even infertile.

Your poor little girl - my heart aches for her, and for you - watching your child suffer, physically or emotionally, is dreadful.

OP you need to tell her. If she finds out you knew and said nothing she won't trust you.
I get that dh wants to protect her. My df is still like that and I m 50.
Just be ready to let her talk and cry to you.
Hopefully she's got close friends who will offer teenage comfort too.
Many years ago I was working in a shop and I saw my ds s girlfriend walk by blatantly kissing and hugging another guy.
He also had issues and self harmed and I agonized over it. But I told him.
Luckily really as his friend saw it too.
Are any of dd s friends likely to find out? If so you need to tell her tonight.

sweeneytoddsrazor I'm pretty sure from what dd's said that they are agreed in their desire to be exclusive so I honestly don't think she's casually seen him snogging another girl on Snapchat and taken it in her stride. If she has, then I will be hugely relieved as she isn't upset.

recklessruby she has 3 close friends, all from across the city where we live as we moved a few years ago. None of them know him or his friends or would have seen this unless they looked on his FB page. I doubt they even know his surname though.