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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be disgusted with dd's boyfriend - how do I handle this?

360 replies

HowTheHellDoIHandleThis · 06/11/2018 14:01

I've name-changed as dd knows my username.

She's 16, he's 17.5 and they've been dating for about 6 months. He's been sexually active for a while; he is her first boyfriend and she is absolutely devoted to him.

They both use Instagram but dd has never used Facebook. He does and he doesn't put any security settings on his profile - dd and I looked him up, soon after they first met online (shared interest group chat). He had a few pics of him with previous girlfriends and stuff, nothing much.

Anyway, every now and then I glance at his page - I'm not being a stalker but I am concerned as dd is so smitten and really I know so little about him. He went to a party last weekend and a friend has uploaded a bunch of photographs of him with another girl! They are snogging, all over each other.

WHAT DO I DO?

I actually feel quite sick about it. Dd had severe anxiety earlier this year and was off school for 7 months in total; she was also self-harming. Having him in her life has made her so much happier and more confident but now I think he uses her.

For info, they live about an hour away from each other by train so have no mutual friends, other than those they've shared via Instagram. Dd would never be likely to meet or see any of the people at the party as he always comes here, she never goes there. Now I'm beginning to wonder why ... they discussed it as being because she is very anxious about travelling on her own so it was easier for him to come over. They only meet once a week.

Have I been a total mug in allowing him to be with my dd? I am honestly so stressed, my hands are shaking.

OP posts:
MemoryOfSleep · 06/11/2018 19:37

I would tell her tonight. Mock exams aren't enough of a reason to lie by omission to your daughter. If my mother knowingly kept something like this from me I'd find it very hard to forgive her for.

Moominfan · 06/11/2018 19:40

Don't shoot the messenger. Won't be your biggest fan but she needs to know and will thank you in the long run

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 06/11/2018 19:42

Ignore the drama llamas shouting tell her nowhold off until her exams finish
She’ll be inconsolable,no point in disrupting her exam schedule
And just be there to support her.its really tough to love someone & have that good faith abused

SummerGems · 06/11/2018 19:43

OP, I would expect to follow DD on her social media as a matter of course even if those accounts were private esp if you are worried about her emotional wellbeing. So for example I follow my DS on twitter even though he doesn’t follow me, we are friends on FB and his dad follows him on Instagram as I’m not on there.

I don’t look at the majority of what he has to say on there, but he knows that I can if I so choose.

If you trust your DD then you might not go looking as a matter of course either, but I wouldn’t expect her to have accounts that were locked down from you especially given she’s vulnerable,and the fact that she knows that you could look might make her think twice about what she’s posting if that makes sense.

But given you have allowed her to have accounts that are locked down from you I wouldn’t have expected you to then go and look at her bf’s profile, iyswim? This is where the boundary becomes skewed IMO, and I do wonder how you would feel if e.g. your DD’s account was visible to her bf’s mum and she went looking as a matter of course and then chose to talk to her DS about what she was writing on there, if that makes sense?

His account is public and technically is fair game. But it’s just not a simple issue here.

Re you having him over for meals etc I don’t see that as an issue. I knew all my bf’s parents at school as I went to boarding school so even staying there at weekends was the done thing. Holidays are potentially another thing but equally,next year she’ll be seventeen and I know plenty of people who would take friends as well as boyfriends/girlfriends on holiday at that age.

weeblueberry · 06/11/2018 19:44

He’s almost certainly going to say the photos are old and from before he was with her. So be prepared to show her something in them that proves they’re recent...

Cloglover · 06/11/2018 19:45

It's absolutely normal to have a bit of a snoop. You barely know the boy and its a way of getting to know someone a bit better. A way to find common ground. I couldn't imagine any parent wouldn't be curious. It's not like you're breaking into his house and going through his drawers! I think you are in an incredibly difficult position and there's obviously plusses and minuses to telling her now or waiting. But whatever you decide I hope your daughter realises that it was a difficult choice and doesn't shoot the messenger. You sound like a lovely supportive mum and she's very lucky to have you. I wish your daughter the best. Whatever happens, it really sounds like you have her back. X

Original poster
HowTheHellDoIHandleThis · 06/11/2018 19:46

weeblueberry as I said earlier, he's wearing a t-shirt that dd bought him.

OP posts:
Icklepup · 06/11/2018 19:47

How will he say they're from before he was with her if he's wearing a t-shirt she got him?!

Icklepup · 06/11/2018 19:48

:)

Original poster
HowTheHellDoIHandleThis · 06/11/2018 19:49

SummerGems I suggest we agree to differ. I don't feel a need to look at dd's private accounts nor those of her boyfriend. If they make them open and share them, then I would assume there is nothing private they don't wish me to see. Your sense of boundaries is just different to mine.

Cloglover thanks. And of course it's normal to have a snoop. I don't know anybody who wouldn't. When dd started dating her boyfriend, I remember her being with one of her old friends who said, "Is he on FB?" So dd showed her his profile. I wouldn't class either of them as stalking.

OP posts:
Bluewidow · 06/11/2018 19:51

I'm not even sure why you re on here asking the question what you do. Shes your daughter and you tell her. yes she has had anxiety but im afraid she will have increased anxiety if shes with a cheat.

cansu · 06/11/2018 19:51

You need to step back from checking his social media. I don't think you should be telling your dd anything. She needs to navigate this herself. If and when she comes to you or she is upset then would be the time to offer support. I think you are over involved and it may well backfire and push her towards him. If she forgives him, it makes it difficult for her to confide in you because she knows you disapprove. Step back and be there if she needs you.

weeblueberry · 06/11/2018 19:52

Because he’ll deny it’s that T-shirt, will say he had one before etc etc. I did read the list about the T-shirt im just saying he’s clearly an arse and an idiot and will use everything he can to deny he’s cheated on her. Sad

limitedperiodonly · 06/11/2018 19:55

He is a teenager. This is what teenagers do - boys and girls. I am sorry that your daughter really likes him and will be hurt by his betrayal but this is not love and though he could have been nicer, he doesn't owe anything to her.

I think you should let her get on with her exams and tell her afterwards and also tell her to dry her eyes. I also think you should stop snooping. Even though you say you've only done it three times, that's three times too many.

She's only 16. She's going to have some bigger disappointments than this and you making a huge deal out it isn't helpful.

OriginallyfromLA · 06/11/2018 19:55

Op - I have so much sympathy for you. I also have a similar aged dd who is going through a rough time at the moment, mood wise. We're not quite at the psychiatrist phase, but not far off.

I'd wait till Thurs and then gently give her the facts. And have tea and tissues waiting! Your poor, poor dd. I hope she's ok.....

Original poster
HowTheHellDoIHandleThis · 06/11/2018 19:56

cansu - so if your partner (if you have one) had been photographed kissing another person and your friend had seen it, you'd want them not to tell you and leave you in the dark?

OP posts:
Princesspeachy0 · 06/11/2018 19:57

I really feel for u OP, such a difficult situation for u to be in. X

Uniquack · 06/11/2018 19:57

@cansu - I don't think you should be telling your dd anything. She needs to navigate this herself.

Really? I can only assume you've never been cheated on or screwed over. If anybody, and I mean anybody, including my DM or DF, knew a b/f was cheating on me and didn't tell me, I would never EVER EVER trust them again. They would be out of my life.

Petitepamplemousse · 06/11/2018 19:58

It’s mock exams and it’s quite early in the year so it could be OK to tell her - real exams obviously different. She’s going to be excited to see him all week so it may be better to tell her sooner.

Tomatoesrock · 06/11/2018 19:59

As I mentioned my Dneice up thread. She cried was hurt and upset but forgave him. Your DD could forgive him especially if she is crazy for him. Things will be very awkward then. I know I forgave my first love for cheating, thankfully I learnt.
It may cause her to resent you but it is your job. You have to tell her either way. I am dreading the teen years. Good luck

Petitepamplemousse · 06/11/2018 19:59

Don’t listen to @cansu - ridiculous opinion. Of course a mother should tell her daughter if she’s being cheated on!

Original poster
HowTheHellDoIHandleThis · 06/11/2018 20:01

Tomatoesrock I'm fully prepared for her to forgive him. But it will change things in the future for sure.

OP posts:
user8905 · 06/11/2018 20:06

I think you're handling it in the best way possible by waiting until after the mock exams. Definitely tell her after that - she deserves to know and I'm sure her best friends would tell her if they'd seen them. Dealing with bad partners is part of growing up, it'll be hard for her for a while but you'll be there to support her. If it was my daughter I couldn't not tell her and put up with the BF staying overnight in my home knowing what he'd been getting up to when DD wasn't around.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 06/11/2018 20:07

@Howthehell, that is going to be hard for you and her dad. But if she is prepared to forgive him you will both have to continue to make him welcome otherwise you will be pushing her to him away from you. And making someone welcome when you want to rip their head off is very very hard.

Whisky2014 · 06/11/2018 20:13

I would definitely wait until after her exams on Thursday. I dont think its weird to check his profile either. Mumsnet is a weird place sometimes.
Hope she is ok.