Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be disgusted with dd's boyfriend - how do I handle this?

360 replies

HowTheHellDoIHandleThis · 06/11/2018 14:01

I've name-changed as dd knows my username.

She's 16, he's 17.5 and they've been dating for about 6 months. He's been sexually active for a while; he is her first boyfriend and she is absolutely devoted to him.

They both use Instagram but dd has never used Facebook. He does and he doesn't put any security settings on his profile - dd and I looked him up, soon after they first met online (shared interest group chat). He had a few pics of him with previous girlfriends and stuff, nothing much.

Anyway, every now and then I glance at his page - I'm not being a stalker but I am concerned as dd is so smitten and really I know so little about him. He went to a party last weekend and a friend has uploaded a bunch of photographs of him with another girl! They are snogging, all over each other.

WHAT DO I DO?

I actually feel quite sick about it. Dd had severe anxiety earlier this year and was off school for 7 months in total; she was also self-harming. Having him in her life has made her so much happier and more confident but now I think he uses her.

For info, they live about an hour away from each other by train so have no mutual friends, other than those they've shared via Instagram. Dd would never be likely to meet or see any of the people at the party as he always comes here, she never goes there. Now I'm beginning to wonder why ... they discussed it as being because she is very anxious about travelling on her own so it was easier for him to come over. They only meet once a week.

Have I been a total mug in allowing him to be with my dd? I am honestly so stressed, my hands are shaking.

OP posts:
Maelstrop · 08/11/2018 19:48

Food first, chat later.

Iputthescrewinthetuna · 08/11/2018 19:53

Good luck OP 

QueenofmyPrinces · 08/11/2018 19:55

Good luck OP, you are doing the right thing.

Anyone who could just sit back and watch their daughter be cheated on and not ‘interfere’ (as has been suggested on here) is lacking in parenting skills and morals if you ask me. You are 100% in the right.

Tinkie25 · 08/11/2018 20:54

Hope it went well OP.

1MillionSelfiesTakenByMyKids · 08/11/2018 21:14

Thinking of you. Having had a very trying day with my (albeit ten years younger) offspring I am brimful of empathy for you right now.

KittensAndCake · 08/11/2018 21:33

Hope all's well OP 🌸

Seabreeze18 · 08/11/2018 22:21

Good luck

Rachie1986 · 09/11/2018 07:35

How did it go OP? Hope you are both ok xx

Aeroflotgirl · 09/11/2018 08:20

Hope all goes well, how did it go?

Sarah22xx · 09/11/2018 08:46

I hope you're both ok x

Original poster
HowTheHellDoIHandleThis · 09/11/2018 10:53

Thanks for caring everyone.

Well, she came home from school in very good spirits, glad that her mocks were over and looking forward to the weekend.

I made dinner and she noticed that something was wrong so I just told her as straightforwardly as I could. And it was horrible. She just crumpled, started crying, then curled up in her bed. The bf was messaging and calling and she ignored him, then blocked him. So he called me. I ignored it for a while then, with dd's permission, I told him what had happened. He was really upset, explained that he had got drunk and kissed this girl, who was apparently a girl from his secondary school who he'd kissed at a party once before but had no interest in, nor did she with him - apparently she has a boyfriend already. He understood totally that dd would be devastated and was calling himself all the names under the sun for being an idiot.

I reported all this back to dd and she was relieved and said she thought he'd mentioned this girl to her before as she recognised her face in the photographs. She's not raging with anger, just very sad and let down and she's decided to not contact him for a while so she can think about things. She's gone into school today, amazingly, looking very pale and exhausted. Fortunately she's going to a friend's house after school to celebrate her birthday, just the two of them so I hope she talks to her.

I'll be keeping a close eye on her, mental state over the weekend.

What hasn't helped at all, by coincidence, is that her counsellor at CAMHS has told her she's leaving in a few weeks and as dd's mental health has been so much better lately (largely due to her romance with the bf, which has lifted her spirits so much) that she could be discharged from the Tier 3 service at CAMHS. Bad timing.

OP posts:
Original poster
HowTheHellDoIHandleThis · 09/11/2018 10:56

Oh yes, and despite me thinking she might be mad that I looked at his FB profile, she didn't even mention it. I guess she thinks that if you have an open public profile, you'd have nothing to hide.

OP posts:
DontWannaBeObamasElf · 09/11/2018 11:13

She’s a trooper, you must be so proud of her. Teenage romances feel like the be all and end all but as she gets older she’ll see it’s just a learning curve.

Fingers crossed her mental health continues to improve Flowers

sadsadsady · 09/11/2018 11:14

You've done the right thing from the start op.

Some people on here are just bored spiteful assholes.

Bless your dd. It's good she has a such a wonderful Mum to see her through it. 

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 09/11/2018 11:17

Bless her, poor girl. I think you handled it really well.

Yes, it's shit, but at least it's out in the open now.

The questions I would ask your DD to ask herself (or the boy, if she decides to talk to him).

  • Do his friends know that he is seeing her? (Your DD?)
  • Who took that photo?
  • Why did they post it on social media? (Intentionally to cause problems?)

I think wise move not to contact him for a while and think things through. I hope she does OK over the weekend.

Ellisandra · 09/11/2018 11:59

Poor girl. You did the right thing - so glad you waited.

TemptressofWaikiki · 09/11/2018 12:09

Glad you handled that as best as possible. However, that is one lame-arse, poor excuse by the BF. Gosh, they really do start with the script from very young onwards... Hmm

Aeroflotgirl · 09/11/2018 12:11

Oh bless her, she needed to know however hard it is, it is up to her now what she does, knowing this. It is good that she is having a break for a bit now, I think that is what she needs.

Polkasq · 09/11/2018 12:23

You've done the right thing but sorry to hear he has caused this hurt to your DD. He is minimising and making excuses, now he's been found out.

Original poster
HowTheHellDoIHandleThis · 09/11/2018 12:24

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy yes, his friends do know about dd. She met his two best friends once - since they've been together she's only been over to his house twice but that has been because she is anxious about travelling and it's quite a complex journey. They also have pictures together all over his social media (which she's shown me - I don't use instagram or snapchat etc.) On her birthday in October he put some lovely pictures and messages up on his instagram, which she was very touched by.

The photo was taken by a girl, I only know that because it was a girl's name as the sharer of the photo file on FB. Could have been to cause trouble - who knows? Could have just been stupid and clumsy.

Anyway, he knows he's well and truly messed up and I think he genuinely did love dd. Obviously not enough to keep his mouth to himself after a few drinks though.

Dd is very soft-hearted. She won't like to think of him being upset so I will try to protect her from any of that so she can make her own mind up.

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 09/11/2018 12:25

It just shows how little he thinks of her, if he can go out get drunk and just kiss a girl like that. First lesson to your dd how to not put up with shit from men.

AcrossthePond55 · 09/11/2018 12:32

I'm glad it went maybe not 'well' but better than you had expected.

It's a lesson to them both I think. She may learn to keep a bit of her heart guarded and he will hopefully have learnt the ramifications of cheating and the dangers of drinking too much.

Jalf · 09/11/2018 12:40

OP, I genuinely think you handled this whole thing incredibly well. Your DD is very lucky to have a mum like you - not every 16 year old does.

Nanny0gg · 09/11/2018 13:08

Anyone else think he deserves a 2nd chance?

He's not a proven serial philanderer!

Nanny0gg · 09/11/2018 13:10

It just shows how little he thinks of her, if he can go out get drunk and just kiss a girl like that. First lesson to your dd how to not put up with shit from men.

Don't agree. He's a 16 year old who can't hold his drink yet
There's no reason as far as we know, that it wasn't a stupid mistake.