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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be disgusted with dd's boyfriend - how do I handle this?

360 replies

HowTheHellDoIHandleThis · 06/11/2018 14:01

I've name-changed as dd knows my username.

She's 16, he's 17.5 and they've been dating for about 6 months. He's been sexually active for a while; he is her first boyfriend and she is absolutely devoted to him.

They both use Instagram but dd has never used Facebook. He does and he doesn't put any security settings on his profile - dd and I looked him up, soon after they first met online (shared interest group chat). He had a few pics of him with previous girlfriends and stuff, nothing much.

Anyway, every now and then I glance at his page - I'm not being a stalker but I am concerned as dd is so smitten and really I know so little about him. He went to a party last weekend and a friend has uploaded a bunch of photographs of him with another girl! They are snogging, all over each other.

WHAT DO I DO?

I actually feel quite sick about it. Dd had severe anxiety earlier this year and was off school for 7 months in total; she was also self-harming. Having him in her life has made her so much happier and more confident but now I think he uses her.

For info, they live about an hour away from each other by train so have no mutual friends, other than those they've shared via Instagram. Dd would never be likely to meet or see any of the people at the party as he always comes here, she never goes there. Now I'm beginning to wonder why ... they discussed it as being because she is very anxious about travelling on her own so it was easier for him to come over. They only meet once a week.

Have I been a total mug in allowing him to be with my dd? I am honestly so stressed, my hands are shaking.

OP posts:
Orchiddingme · 06/11/2018 20:16

I totally understand why you are nervous about your dd, as she seems so vulnerable.

But short of meeting Mr Perfect aged 16 and staying with him (him being totally faithful) for the rest of her life- unfortunately the ups and downs of relationships are coming to her as they come to everyone.

I would have hated to have my mother even comment (other than positively) on my relationships- it was my freedom to have them and to stuff them up! To stay with someone when they cheated and then leave someone else over something very trivial. I don't like the idea that we are just extensions of our children and should be interfering in their lives.

That said, you can't undo time and you've seen what you saw, so I'd raise it now as I wouldn't want to lie (after the mocks though).

In future though- leave her to it and stop snooping. It's not for you or her dad to police her boyfriend's morality or try to modify any boyfriend's behaviour. Teens often do snog each other at parties. It's not cool or clever and it will hurt your dd, but it is normal and this is a learning curve she will have to go on.

Tomatoesrock · 06/11/2018 20:18

Yes without a doubt it will change things for him, the cheating shit, if there is a next time for dinner, give him added laxative Grin
She will get over it and you will be there for her. Heartbreak as a teenager is par for the course, and a supportive family will help her get over it.

limitedperiodonly · 06/11/2018 20:18

I can't believe the responses urging the OP on to create a massive drama for her daughter.

This is a 17-year-old boy and a 16-year-old girl who've been dating for six months and people are talking about cheating and partners as if this was an older couple in a committed relationship.

They don't owe anything to each other and it is unwise to encourage teenagers, particularly vulnerable ones like the OP's daughter, to rely on casual friends. It's going to end in tears.

It is also grossly unfair to expect a teenager - boy or girl - to take responsibility for someone else's mental wellbeing.

limitedperiodonly · 06/11/2018 20:22

the cheating shit

Or in the real world, where normal people live: a 17-year-old.

CJsGoldfish · 06/11/2018 20:27

as I know that trust is important
If you don't tell her now that you've seen it and she asks you WHEN you saw it, or when you knew, will you be honest with her? Will you let her know that you knew and didn't tell her?

BTW, nothing wrong with looking on someones FB profile. Surely we ALL do it??

BarMcBarsen · 06/11/2018 20:36

'partner'!!! They're 16/17.
So much drama. Drama creates anxiety. Jesus wept

Rachie1986 · 06/11/2018 20:55

So are you telling her or not OP? Does she know anything's up?

CantWaitToRetire · 06/11/2018 20:56

OP your first sentence says you’ve NC because your DD knows your regular username. How often does she check MN? If there’s any chance she may click on this post then you can guarantee that she’ll recognise who this is about. Is there any risk of that?

BTW does anyone else see the irony of OP getting flack for checking the BF public profile, yet the DD obviously checks her DMs posts on MN?

limitedperiodonly · 06/11/2018 21:02

When dd started dating her boyfriend, I remember her being with one of her old friends who said, "Is he on FB?" So dd showed her his profile. I wouldn't class either of them as stalking.

I don't think they are. But you are.

Binkyboo16 · 06/11/2018 21:05

OP I really feel for you in this situation. I was in this position at 16 just like your daughter with similar medical needs and a cheating boyfriend. My mom saw right through him but left it up to me in what I did. She sat me down and told me to not accept this behaviour not from him or from anyone else in future and to take it as a major learning step in my relationships. She was blunt and honest but treated me as an adult and with kindness and helped me through.
I hope your daughter comes through this as hard as it is at the time and from someone who suffered at such a young age too, I didn’t need ‘tough love’ the best thing in my situation was being allowed to learn my own boundaries in a relationship but with some guidance. Would your DH be any help with sitting her down and just gently reminding her that she deserves to have loyalty and honesty in a relationship?
My DM has said it was so hard to watch me go through everything so I truly send you all my best wishes and hope your DD will sort the situation out in the best way for herself with your loving guidance too. Flowers

Lolololololol · 06/11/2018 21:10

Anyone who says they don't/have never Facebook stalked is a liar....

I also think that keeping an eye on what your children/teens post on social media is sensible.

If I found out my DSs GF had cheated on him I would tell him, and probably ban her from ever darkening my door again.
You should teach your children to respect themselves, and to not be anyone's door mat. Cheating is unacceptable.

Hope your dd isn't too distraught OP, good luck xx

IAmNotAWitch · 06/11/2018 21:14

Exams are more important than boys.

It will suck and she may be furious you kept it from her, but that is in my opinion the better option.

Harder for you in the short term but better for her in the long term.

limitedperiodonly · 06/11/2018 21:17

Exams are more important than boys

Yes.She is 16. This is fucking nuts.

Cloglover · 06/11/2018 21:37

And BTW, anyone who is accusing the op of being a stalker clearly hasn't ever been stalked. The op has a vested interest in this boy. Employers check out people on fb to assess their suitability. When you friend someone on fb the first thing you do is check that they aren't a fully subscribed member of UKIP or Britain's First. It's a perfectly normal thing to do. STALKING is something completely different.

cansu · 06/11/2018 22:06

OP you are not your daughters friend. I think the dynamic even between friends in a situation like this is difficult. As many have said this is often what happens in teen romances. Yes your daughter will be hurt and she will either forgive him because she is in love or will be distraught for a while. It will be easier to be there for her if she does not resent you for telling her something upsetting. If she forgives him she will know you think he is awful and will no doubt spend more time away from home and will be more secretive. It is natural to want to protect her but I do think you are over stepping by being so involved by checking his social media.

WhyAmISoCold · 06/11/2018 22:18

You have done nothing wrong by looking OP. You definitely should tell her too.

IHaveAnOutie · 06/11/2018 22:19

I love a good stalk on FB and I know a lot of other people who do too! Whether it be someone I know or some person I've never met, who I've accidentally stumbled across after an hour of delving into random people's profiles! You are not alone OP, and I feel for you, it's a rubbish position that you're in. Hope it goes ok when you tell your daughter.

Maelstrop · 06/11/2018 22:27

I think I’d send the bf the screenshots and tell him to explain it to your dd. If you do it, it will be doubly devastating for her. He's the one in the wrong, let him sort it out.

SummerGems · 06/11/2018 22:29

Anyone who says they don't/have never Facebook stalked is a liar.... and anyone who cannot see the difference between finding an fb account and having a one-off look and going back repeatedly to check up on what that person is doing has issues of their own.

This wasn’t a one off incident where the OP noticed he had a public account, she admitted that she had checked up on him in the past. Why?

Lolololololol · 06/11/2018 22:38

*and anyone who cannot see the difference between finding an fb account and having a one-off look and going back repeatedly to check up on what that person is doing has issues of their own.

Give me a break.... it's Facebook not a personal diary.... Hmm

thegreylady · 06/11/2018 22:39

Is it possible that the photos are from a past party, before he met your dd, and somebody has tagged him in them so they have appeared on his page. This would explain why he took them down, maybe as soon as he saw them. Be careful.

Fink · 06/11/2018 22:45

Is it possible that the photos are from a past party, before he met your dd, and somebody has tagged him in them so they have appeared on his page. This would explain why he took them down, maybe as soon as he saw them. Be careful.

No, because he was wearing clothes that the OP's dd bought for him.

Original poster
HowTheHellDoIHandleThis · 06/11/2018 23:01

cantwaittoretire of course my dd doesn’t ‘check’ my MN account! I show her things and we chat about them.

The stalking accusation is just a pointless red herring. Any honest person who uses sm knows that people check each other’s profiles and as I’ve said, I looked at his profile 3 times in total in 6 months, one of these with dd. But bang on about it if you want to.

I haven’t said anything tonight and the bf is working so there have been no phonecalls.

OP posts:
KittensAndCake · 06/11/2018 23:15

anyone who cannot see the difference between finding an fb account and having a one-off look and going back repeatedly to check up on what that person is doing has issues of their own.

Give over. I'd do it in a flash if it meant protecting my DD, especially if she had previously been self harming and had severe anxiety.

FWIW OP, I agree with leaving telling her till after her mocks. She won't hold it against you, she'll know you did it with the best intentions.
Good luck, I have a 17 year old DD and I know how tricky it all is.

Rachelover40 · 06/11/2018 23:40

I do hope your daughter is alright, op. I know they are only kids really and not 'partners' but first love is nonetheless very real. Took me ages to get over mine.

Let us know how she gets on in her mocks and how she takes the news about her boyfriend.