To want to go to PILs earlier xmas eve

[Lala2989]

So every year since me and my other half have been together (2013) we spend xmas eve at his parents, this tends to be from around 6pm-midnight as I work in retail and don't normally get xmas eve off, except this year as I'm on mat leave with baby number 2, and Christmas Day at my parents house.

This has always worked fine, he is Portuguese, and apparently their xmas eve has always been the bigger thing, and I've never spent a Christmas Day away from my parents and brothers in all my 29yrs.

However, this year, I am on maternity leave and we now have a 2yr7month old boy and a 10 week old girl.

They live in central London, about a 1.5-2hr drive from us (on xmas eve anyway), and I have asked my other half if it would be ok to do xmas eve earlier at his parents so we can get back early enough for my DS to still be awake to do a plate for for Santa & his reindeer, have his xmas eve box, put his stocking out, and so we can all sit on the sofa and watch a xmas movie until DS falls asleep.

Side note; DS is supposed to be leaving his dummies out for Santa to take in exchange for extra presents with the plate. He knows who Santa is from pictures and the telly etc...

His mum is now saying she won't be home from work until 830pm, she's never worked xmas eve before and is saying that it shouldnt make any difference because we don't get there until late anyway, which she knows is because I work usually and she obviously knows I'm not working this year.

We always have xmas day morning & breakfast at our own home, something I'm keen to not change, and go to my mum & dads for xmas lunch and generally come home late at night since having the babies.

I feel like we should be able to start our own traditions as a family of four now we have a child that is starting to get the fun & magic of Christmas. I loved xmas eve as a kid and really wanted to be able to have that fun again with my kids.

His brother, sister in law and their three kids moved to Cyprus so PIL will be on their own if we don't go, hence asking if we can do it earlier rather than not at all. I'm not that mean that I'd want them to spend xmas on their own, but at the same time xmas is for kids and they are adults.

I have also suggested we spend Boxing Day there instead but mil is digging her heels in and partner would rather upset me than his mum so it seems.

AIBU?

Please stop stating that MiL has 'chosen' to work.

Why? Do bank staff get no choice about their hours?

I don't think you are unreasonable at all OP. Having children changes everything and I think it's only fair that family plans reflect what the kids need first of all. All grown family members should really be aware of that and make allowances and compromises. Seems like you have offered many but are getting nothing in return and it will end up being you and DH that deal with the tired and crotchety consequences!

Are banks open till 8pm Christmas Eve? Both my parents worked in High Street banks and in those days they always opted to work Christmas Eve because they shut at 3pm!! That was 30 years ago and in my mind far more reasonable on staff.

Anyway I'm going to reframe your question - is it reasonable to have to stay up until midnight on Christmas Eve and then have a 90 minute drive home? No. That won't work well this year. Boxing Day is better this year.
Next year plan early and invite them to spend Christmas Eve with you and ask them to stay over.

If she can genuinely choose not to work on particular dates but chooses to work anyway, is it possible that she’s trying to ‘test’ her son in some way?

It’s crazy to expect visitors with a newborn and a toddler to do a 4 hour round trip and travel home in the early hours of Christmas morning when you’ll be out at work for literally the whole day. And if your DH never bothered with Christmas Eve before you were together then he is taking the piss to make demands now. Their tradition may be late Christmas Eve, and that’s ok for adults, but it isn’t fair to keep babies awake half the night.

As MIL is working all day then the morning suggestion doesn’t work. Your idea of inviting them to your house once MIL finishes at work is probably the best way forward- you can host, the children can go to bed at a sensible time, and PIL will be around in the morning when the children open their presents. If they don’t celebrate at all on Christmas Day then travelling back shouldn’t be an issue.

I’d read bank staff as nursing bank staff, but I guess it could be call centre banking?

Stay at home.. enjoy your own traditions

Last time I checked the NHS wasn't a financial institution so its almost certainly nursing or a related occupation rather than a call centre trying to sell insurance...

Seriously, anyone who thinks gender reveals and baby showers are things that can't be missed needs to stop trying to create new 'traditions' and focus on some real ones.

YANBU! travelling a 3hour round trip on xmas eve for a celebration that starts way after bedtime with a tiny baby and a toddler? No way.

Yes, it's complicated by the fact it's their actual xmas day but, if it were that important as a grandparent you'd see how ridiculous it was to even entertain that plan and change it to make it kid and new parent friendly by doing it all earlier in the day. Nobody misses out, kids routines aren't out, everyone wins.

I'd tell your DH that it's bonkers. He can go if he likes and you'll stay home, out the kids to bed and get the stockings ready for filling when he gets home!

MIL is bank staff at a private hospital. They call on her when she is needed, and because of this she can refuse a shift if she doesn't want to work it. Some weeks she works 7 days, some weeks she doesn't work at all.

She usually doesn't work Sundays (FIL only has Sundays as a fixed day off and one in the week), and doesn't work Christmas Eve. We usually see them on a Sunday if my OH isn't working, we usually go to them.

My baby shower & our gender reveal were booked on Sundays weeks in advance, at first she said she was available to come, and then the day before both OH called her to see what time she would be arriving, and she said she had to work, both times.

@Petitprince I wouldn't of objected to her missing it, it's saying she can come and then booking into work and not telling us until the day before... both times.

Ah my mistake I read bank staff as HSBC/Lloyds/etc  (only defence is that my parents were Bank bank staff).

Anyway, the majority seem to think IABU, so will be sticking to the same plans as every other year.

Cheers for all your input, enjoy Christmas!

I have worked in many places where there is mandatory working over Xmas and NY. You are asked if you xan do certain days and can say no, but there will always come a time when everyone else has done their turn and you have to do yours. I suspect if MIL hasn't had to work on Xmas Eve before then it's actually her turn whether she likes it or not this year.

It is terribly unfair to expect her to take Boxing Day instead of Xmas Eve. You could offer her Xmas Day and your ps Boxing Day. That would be more equivalent. As it is, your parents are getting their special day and your ILs are getting just another same-old-same-old weekday. Not fair.

I imagine that your eldest will have no problem falling asleep in the car on the way home and you can lift him very carefully and quietly into bed when you get there. It's all part of the adventure and could add to the magic of it all (if you make it into a magnificent story in the morning). Play your cards right, OP, and there's your first family tradition right there.

I'm not sure this is a representative sample OP. Your thread reads more like MILSNET than Mumsnet.

I don't understand. Does your MIL want you to get there for 8.30, when she gets home from work, with two small children and keep them up all evening? Why would anyone do that? Why would she want that? They'd be in a terrible state if they couldn't sleep.

Tell her it's Boxing Day or nothing.

Anyway, the majority seem to think IABU, so will be sticking to the same plans as every other year.

Honestly - don't. It's not fair on your babies to be dragged about like that.

@Lala2989 this is AIBU, the board where people appear to enjoy disagreeing for the sake of it. Take a look through some other threads on here and you'll see what I mean. Also try the Christmas board, lots of similar threads on there over the years and trust me the views are very different to a lot you've had on here.

I think it's a shame if you just "give in", maybe talk to your fiancé and see if you can find a compromise that everyone is happy with. If you do feel the need to suck it up this year, then I think it's only fair you get to have the conversation early about next year, and see if your in-laws can come to you.

I think the OP is getting a bit of a hard time here! It's her Mil who is being inflexible! She is the one who is working from 8-8!

OP I haven’t RTFT so apologies if this has been posted already! I think you could totally have your own traditions this year - just earlier than you planned. Why don’t you have your Christmas Eve box earlier in the afternoon? DS can have a Christmas jumper instead of pj’s and you can have hot chocolate and watch a movie as a family. Then you can put out his plate for Santa and do whatever else you want to do. Then off to grandparents for Christmas Eve and home to bed at whatever time. Your tradition could be the afternoon before OH’s family Christmas. That way everyone gets what they’re after?

Fwiw OH has now decided to tell me he thinks his mum is being unfair, and he has the ump that she's working. But didn't want to argue with his mum yesterday 😩

He said he's going to talk to them, and offer EITHER Boxing Day all day, or the late afternoon & evening on xmas eve, but leave as soon as dinner is done 930pm latest (his words not mine)

He's making it sound like he's in agreement with me, so I'm hopeful that this will be the case when he speaks to them and I won't come off as the bad person...

Because that's 3-4 hours in the car for a newborn.

The Christmas Eve/Christmas day thing is a red herring - there's lots of posts on here suggesting that as the OP is getting her Christmas Day of choice, she has to suit her MIL for Christmas Eve, but it wouldn't matter whether they celebrated on the same day or different days, it's still crazy to expect them to do a 4h round trip, that late, with a newborn baby and a toddler. Newborn only or toddler only would both be fine in principle - one parent can deal with the child while the other enjoys the celebration and they can alternate. But with a newborn and a toddler out past their bedtime, you're going to have one parent wrangling the toddler and one the child. You could be doing that in your own house and you wouldn't have missed anything other than sitting on your inlaws' spare room carpet trying to rock a toddler to sleep. Except at home you wouldn't even need to, he'd just go to his bed and you'd get a bit of a rest.

Yay for your DH, OP! That's very good news.

unfortunately OH admits himself that he has lost sight of his heritage and can't teach me much.

The whole 'tradition' thing being read as OP disregarding her partner's culture is a red herring, isn't it? It's just that they want things their way, like they've had it before.