To want to go to PILs earlier xmas eve

[Lala2989]

So every year since me and my other half have been together (2013) we spend xmas eve at his parents, this tends to be from around 6pm-midnight as I work in retail and don't normally get xmas eve off, except this year as I'm on mat leave with baby number 2, and Christmas Day at my parents house.

This has always worked fine, he is Portuguese, and apparently their xmas eve has always been the bigger thing, and I've never spent a Christmas Day away from my parents and brothers in all my 29yrs.

However, this year, I am on maternity leave and we now have a 2yr7month old boy and a 10 week old girl.

They live in central London, about a 1.5-2hr drive from us (on xmas eve anyway), and I have asked my other half if it would be ok to do xmas eve earlier at his parents so we can get back early enough for my DS to still be awake to do a plate for for Santa & his reindeer, have his xmas eve box, put his stocking out, and so we can all sit on the sofa and watch a xmas movie until DS falls asleep.

Side note; DS is supposed to be leaving his dummies out for Santa to take in exchange for extra presents with the plate. He knows who Santa is from pictures and the telly etc...

His mum is now saying she won't be home from work until 830pm, she's never worked xmas eve before and is saying that it shouldnt make any difference because we don't get there until late anyway, which she knows is because I work usually and she obviously knows I'm not working this year.

We always have xmas day morning & breakfast at our own home, something I'm keen to not change, and go to my mum & dads for xmas lunch and generally come home late at night since having the babies.

I feel like we should be able to start our own traditions as a family of four now we have a child that is starting to get the fun & magic of Christmas. I loved xmas eve as a kid and really wanted to be able to have that fun again with my kids.

His brother, sister in law and their three kids moved to Cyprus so PIL will be on their own if we don't go, hence asking if we can do it earlier rather than not at all. I'm not that mean that I'd want them to spend xmas on their own, but at the same time xmas is for kids and they are adults.

I have also suggested we spend Boxing Day there instead but mil is digging her heels in and partner would rather upset me than his mum so it seems.

AIBU?

OP I've suggested it at least twice and others did on page one. Why don't you just stay home on both days and see NEITHER parents, and just have a Christmas that is setting new traditions and is just you, your DH and your two very young children?

I might suggest they come to us to be honest, and stay the night, and we do the bacalao. Although I think when we suggest it they might actually realise the journey is unreasonable and refuse to come.

Another alternative though I guess.

I feel like I'm offering up a lot of alternatives & compromises, when we are the ones travelling with two young babies on a busy night in central
London... and being met with a lot of stubbornness that could've been avoided if she had just opted to not work like she has done every other year.

She missed our baby shower, and our gender reveal (two separate events) because she chose to work knowing we had planned these dates in advance when she wasn't working...

@Lala2989

You have offered some acceptable alternatives and if you all can't agree then she'll just have to deal with you not being there.

It's ridiculous to expect you to always do the running around. At least if you host, the children can go to bed when they need to without much inconvenience

@ShatnersWig because I'd actually like my children to be able to see their family. But for all the stress it's causing it could well be the option we go with.

Why don't you ask your FIL if you can go earlier in the afternoon? Kids have fun then MIL gets back at 8.30. Stay the night and put the kids to bed at 9ish. Get up early and go to your parents. Boom. Everyone is happy 🤷‍♀️

@Ghanagirl "offered" being the primitive word, she didn't have to accept if Christmas Eve is as important to her as she says it is

You said she’s bankstaff so she won’t have a choice agency staff are offered remaining shifts as they are more expensive hospital bank staff are paid a lower rate.
Anyway I genuinely think your making too much of this I traveled abroad when my two were little and then to Home Counties for couple of Christmases they generally slept in the car and they have no memory of first 2.
If you’re OH not talking about it he’s obviously not in agreement with you.

YANBU OP.

Firstly; I can guarantee if your MIL had offered to work Christmas Day so she could have Eve off she would have had her hand bitten off for it. I’ve worked on hospitals for 15 years and I’d bet my house on it.

Secondly, I’d be flat out refusing to travel 3-4hrs in a car with a 10 week old baby, for anyone. Current recommendations are no more than 30 mins in a car seat for babies under 3 months. There is also NFW I’d be putting my under 3 year old to bed after midnight, that’s just ridiculous.

I would offer for PIL to come to you for Xmas Eve. FIL can come early, he and DH can prepare the meal while you look after the kids, MIL can arrive at 9.30 and you can eat. My children would be tucked up in bed though, it’s MIL’s fault for choosing to work (and yes, bank staff can absolutely say no to shifts, that’s why they are bank and not substantively employed!).

PIL will be alone Christmas day while you are with your own parents. This is fine ...you can't be everywhere at once. However it's nice to give them Christmas eve with you their son and their grandchildren.

As you won't be at work this year I would have a great afternoon with your kids. Nice early bath and Christmas Jammies on. Then putting the Santa and Reindeer and stockings out just before you leave for PILs house. That way your toddler will get all the excitement before he is tired. Leave to come home a little earlier than usual...9.30 ish? Toddler will likely fall asleep in car on way home so straight to bed. Nice glass ob Baileys for you and dear partner. Everybody happy and lovely morning with the dc and day with your family to look forward to.

How important is it for your husband that it be done as MIL wants?

It just doesn't sound workable to me-the lateness of it is a sticking point for me!

OP
@shiningstar2
Sounds fab

You sound very selfish

Your poor husband! Give up these new "traditions" and embrace his family ones instead. He's more than met you halfway.

She technically could have declined the shift but they'd be no quicker way to get her name to the bottom of the list. It's quite a common misconception that bank staff can work whenever they want and will face no consequences for not working when they don't want to.

I think you are very lucky to get every Christmas day with your own side of the family. We alternate even though we live on DH's families' doorstep and see them way more, I don't really like it but I know it's the fair thing to do so I make the most of it and get on with it.

Make your own traditions earlier in the day and leave your plans with DH's family as they are?

Just realised - this must be a reverse! The baby shower and gender reveal tipped me off. Very funny thread though.

You are the MIL, yes? You poor thing.

@shiningstar2 Do you genuinely believe it's worth 4 hours of travelling to see MiL for the sake of an hour?

Also OP's PIL aren't bothered about Christmas Day by all accounts, their cultural tradition is to celebrate Christmas Eve, the day MiL has chosen to work.

Petitprince I did think that too. But even if it is a reverse, I still wouldn't be driving a newborn around for hours at night on Christmas Eve.

OP please ignore majority of these posters. They quite clearly havent read what you have posted.

Invite PIL to yours on Christmas Eve to do the tradition, that way your DC’s can get to bed at a decent time without missing out on something special. IF MIL refuses as its not suitable then you stay at home.

And as for the bank staff comments, they are ‘asked’ to work not requested! MIL could have refused if the day was so important to her

I think you need to offer these alterations your dh, agree between you and then talk to pil

How can the PIL come to Xmas Eve at the OP's place if it is 2 hours away and MIL doesn't finish work until 8? So they have to turn up at 10pm?

This thread is ridiculous. The issue isn't to do with traditions, it is to do with the fact you can't do two Christmases in 24 hours with two small children, particularly when everyone lives hours away from each other.

How can the PIL come to Xmas Eve at the OP's place if it is 2 hours away and MIL doesn't finish work until 8? So they have to turn up at 10pm?

Because their tradition is to start late. That way they get to see the children in the morning. It's really the only decent solution because the MIL has chosen to work and the very young children should come first.

Please stop stating that MiL has 'chosen' to work.
Even if legally she could have got out of it she'd likely have faced consequences that meant it wasn't feasible for her to do so.

As I understand it thought, Christmas Eve isn't the important day. The day is a normal day, as it is in the UK. It's the night time that's important.

Listen, OP. Your MIL made a mistake. She hasn't shot anyone. You can work with her or against her. Explain your point of view gently to her, she will find a way to make it work.

You sound very selfish

He's more than met you halfway.

You are the MIL, yes? You poor thing.

Are you actually reading the same thing as the rest of us? 🤔