To want to go to PILs earlier xmas eve

[Lala2989]

So every year since me and my other half have been together (2013) we spend xmas eve at his parents, this tends to be from around 6pm-midnight as I work in retail and don't normally get xmas eve off, except this year as I'm on mat leave with baby number 2, and Christmas Day at my parents house.

This has always worked fine, he is Portuguese, and apparently their xmas eve has always been the bigger thing, and I've never spent a Christmas Day away from my parents and brothers in all my 29yrs.

However, this year, I am on maternity leave and we now have a 2yr7month old boy and a 10 week old girl.

They live in central London, about a 1.5-2hr drive from us (on xmas eve anyway), and I have asked my other half if it would be ok to do xmas eve earlier at his parents so we can get back early enough for my DS to still be awake to do a plate for for Santa & his reindeer, have his xmas eve box, put his stocking out, and so we can all sit on the sofa and watch a xmas movie until DS falls asleep.

Side note; DS is supposed to be leaving his dummies out for Santa to take in exchange for extra presents with the plate. He knows who Santa is from pictures and the telly etc...

His mum is now saying she won't be home from work until 830pm, she's never worked xmas eve before and is saying that it shouldnt make any difference because we don't get there until late anyway, which she knows is because I work usually and she obviously knows I'm not working this year.

We always have xmas day morning & breakfast at our own home, something I'm keen to not change, and go to my mum & dads for xmas lunch and generally come home late at night since having the babies.

I feel like we should be able to start our own traditions as a family of four now we have a child that is starting to get the fun & magic of Christmas. I loved xmas eve as a kid and really wanted to be able to have that fun again with my kids.

His brother, sister in law and their three kids moved to Cyprus so PIL will be on their own if we don't go, hence asking if we can do it earlier rather than not at all. I'm not that mean that I'd want them to spend xmas on their own, but at the same time xmas is for kids and they are adults.

I have also suggested we spend Boxing Day there instead but mil is digging her heels in and partner would rather upset me than his mum so it seems.

AIBU?

I suggested that if starting your own traditions was so important to you, OP, why not cut out the whole issue and spend both Xmas Eve and Xmas Day just the four of you? You, your DH and your two kids.

You're starting your own traditions, you're not moving around at all with a new born baby, neither family can moan they aren't getting you when they want you, because you're doing just your own thing. Problem solved.

And because it's just for kids, so you don't need to see either set of adult parents, do you?

But you ignored that suggestion twice. I can only assume because come hell or high water there is no way you would forgo seeing your parents on Xmas Day.

I agree that keeping the children up that late on Xmas Eve may well be daft as a brush, btw.

I'm sort of confused as to how it can be 'earlier' if MiL is working later.

The only thing I can think of is that you get there in enough time to help FiL have dinner on the table as soon as MiL gets home and then open presents immediately afterwards, or during pudding. All done and dusted by 10.30 and you hit the road. Anything 'earlier' and MiL will still be at work. Having a rushed visit may encourage MiL not to work the later shift in future.

She probably shouldn't have agreed to work later if she didn't have to, but perhaps she was pressured into it as she has always had the day off/early shift and her colleagues were grumbling. I think we have all had 'that colleague' who expected to have Xmas Eve or Day off and wouldn't budge.

Hopefully, this is a one-off. But I do think after the holidays are over that it might not hurt to have a talk with MiL about how hard it was on you and the DC and that perhaps you all can discuss alternative plans for next year.

If the idea of Christmas Eve is to eat at 9pm(ish) & open presents at midnight & Op & her husband usually go along with this, MIL working doesn't really make a difference does it as she will be home for it?

Also as has been said, Op's son can do a plate & stocking before he goes out.

I don't think your question was unreasonable OP!

Your MiL has made it more difficult by working later, but I suspect she though this was ok because Portugese eat rather later than we do (in the UK). I'd leave creating a new tradition i.e. with the plate until next year or even until your DD is a bit older, so they can create and experience it together. Your DS may be a bit disappointed initially, but he'll forget as soon as he gets presents!

Seriously OP I hope you never need the health service over christmas if you honestly think people should just opt out of working those days.
Wtf? Op said MIL chose to work Christmas Eve, pretty sure her co-workers would've swapped Christmas Day with her if she wanted.

OP if you wanted traditional English Christmas maybe you should have had babies with someone of same background
Don't be ridiculous!!! You're just making stuff up now.

Op maybe you should've posted this in Chat or Christmas topics cos there are some crazies on here 🤣

Sorry you have had a hard time. It's your Christmas and your husband to be and your children. Do what's best for you whilst being as considerate towards others as you are able. It's your life and standing your ground whilst the children are little is important.

I wouldn't have had my DC out that late at that age, but maybe this year you could go to them but say from now on you'll be at home by 8 on Christmas Eve, then your MIL has time to plan around that.

Whatever you do this year, your DS is not going to remember this Christmas, it won't be till next year that he's likely to form any memories. Hope you work something out.

I am totally staggered that anyone would want to have guests, including toddlers, to their house after a 12-hour shift though! She must be some kind of masochist

@MrsFassy probably not- it is likely that whatever ward she is working on has a limited budget for bank staff which means they can't afford to use them when their is a premium wage rate in place (xmas eve is technically a working day so is probably paid at normal rate while xmas day and boxing day are paid higher) or even if they can the wage differential makes xmas eve the most undesirable shift.

Honestly, if you have small kids, live 1.5 hours away and your MIL won't be there until 8.30 pm, there is really no point in going.

Although, actually, this is the last year you can get away with your eldest not really understanding. So I'd probably go to the PIL's, stay over if possible, and drive home in the morning.

And no I realise I've not read ATFT.

@KittensAndCake first time I've ever posted ANYTHING on here at all, I didn't know there was a Christmas board 🤦🏻‍♀️

I don't think you are being unreasonable and I definitely wouldn't want to keep my two year old up for a dinner at 8.30 and then a drive home on any day, let alone Christmas Eve! You'll all be shattered the next day and it will ruin it for everyone.

It a shame that your MIL is working and that their traditional Xmas Eve will be compromised but I would put your two year old first (and self with your newborn!) and give it a miss this year. You then have a whole year to plan something more child friendly that works for everyone.

Can't you have them to yours on Xmas Eve?

Have read the entire thread, and I think the MIL shouldn't have said yes to the shift if Xmas Eve is so important to her.

Also think suggesting Boxing Day instead is missing the point, that it's not a day they want to share with you, it's that day.

So overall, the MIL has to change her shift or accept you will only be there for an hour or so. Or, this year becomes the year you break with tradition....

I think you just need to tell them that your toddler will need to be going to bed minutes after MIL gets home, he's excited so will wake early on Xmas Day and you don't want him being shattered and grumpy all day after just a few hours sleep. If she wasn't working until late it wouldn't be a problem but she is. So it's Boxing Day or nothing. Good luck though, we have the same sort of shit spoiling a special time of year and I'm sick of it.

I think this year, do the Santa plate, watch the movie in the afternoon, feed your children at 6pm, then put them in PJ's and drive the 1.5 hours to IL's.

Have you actually ever had a toddler?

If it was shifted to another day though, the problem still remains of the lateness & the driving home afterwards.

I'd go to Cyprus ,

Just tell your MIL that a late dinner party with two small kids isn't doable this year. There are plenty of other days around the festive season when you can get together. I see family on 27/28 Dec, it's still Christmas just not the actual day. Which incidentally, as no-one really know when Jesus was born, so could in fact be the correct day.

OP if you wanted traditional English Christmas maybe you should have had babies with someone of same background

What an utterly ridiculous comment. Why would anyone think to post something like that? The Op has said nothing remotely like she only wants a traditional English Christmas. I hate this current trend on MN where pp just make stuff up and roll with it.

I can't believe what a hard time you've had on here Op, I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. I don't know in what parallel universe people think it's perfectly fine to travel up to two hours away on Xmas eve night, with a toddler and a newborn, for a meal served at 10pm, travel up to two hours home again, arriving at, what? 1.30am? That's completely insane!

In the 5 christmases we have done xmas eve there, no one has ever mentioned anything about baby Jesus, or putting him under the tree... or anything about Portugal... nor tried to teach my children or our nieces/nephew about any Portuguese traditions.

I also can't believe that anyone is suggesting 3-4 hours in a car is good for a 10 week old baby. OP just say no. Your PILs can come to you and stay over, then be there both late Christmas Eve and Christmas morning with you.

Whilst it's not unusual to have a special meal & exchange gifts on CE, is it unusual for it all to be so late when young children are involved?

Tbh as an adult eating at 9 & sitting up until idnight to exchange presents wouldn't suit me!

This is bonkers, only on MN will you be told YABU for not wanting your baby and toddler to be out until silly o clock on Xmas eve.
And as for the comments that NHS staff have to work over Christmas no one is disputing that but OP has said her in laws don’t do anything Xmas day so why didn’t she offer to work that day instead

@MrsFassy
It’s not that easy bank staff are used to fill in uncovered shifts before offering them to Agency staff.