Aibu wedding

[Shortcake28]

Im organising my wedding in Spain I'm the first one to get married in 35 years in the family and I can't help but be disappointed and the amount of declines I'm getting from invites at this rate there will be less than 20 people there !

I've had so many people say they are coming for the past year then when I sent out the invites they have declined I get that it's a lot to ask and not everyone can afford it but I know a lot of people can but their reasons are poor for example they can't find an outfit or they don't have anyone to mind their cat . I can't help thinking it's personal and if it was someone else they would go. It's really affecting my relationship with them.
I'm also stressing about it in general I'm quite shy when it comes to dancing in front of people and can't help but dread it is it normal to feel this way

Sorry but I think YABU as well.

I think a lot of people are getting fed up of these costly and inconvenient destination weddings that soak up their annual leave, quite apart from the expense involved. My cousin got married abroad recently and none of us went - not because we don't like her, but because we just couldn't afford the time/money or really want to travel a long way just for a wedding. And yes, we all came up with excuses that she probably thought sounded weak. But we didn't want to just say no, sorry I don't want to spend my leave and money travelling abroad to a destination not of my choice for a wedding.

OP for a couple, if you took £200 flights and guestimated £100 a night in the hotel, which is a conservative guess, that would be a £1000 before food, taxis, spending money, wedding outfits and a gift. That is a huge amount to spend. Of course most people will prefer to spend that sort of money on a holiday where half the itinerary is already dictated.

I have pm'd you canyouhearthedrums

I've been invited to six weddings in the last two years. None of them were destination weddings. All were within 45 minutes of where I live. So no need to stay over. I went to all of them.

In the last 25 years (I'm almost 45, so we're talking since I left home) I've been invited to over 30 - all of them in the UK. Never been invited to a destination wedding, don't know anyone that's ever had one. Only known one stag or hen do abroad (two nights in Dublin).

I feel blessed!

Are you marrying a Spaniard? If not then YABVU. If you are then less so, but still BU.

I could afford to travel overseas for a wedding, but I wouldn’t.

It's basically telling people that this is where they're having their holiday this year, isn't it? By accepting your invite, that might mean they don't have the funds to go on holiday that year, or maybe have to scrimp and save and can't justify the cost.
You're entitled to have your wedding where you like but by having it in a different country you can't possibly be put out that not everyone can or will come. If mine did I just wouldn't be able to afford it. However much they sulked or said surely I can.

Congratulations on your engagement.

We have missed the last family wedding and will miss the next one due to ridiculous choices of the bride and groom. Ridiculous in dh and my view of course. One made it impossible to go then relatives weren't happy we didn't and the other is abroad and we don't want to spend thousands going or miss school for our dcs or leave them at home.

It comes down to what is more important to you, the venue or the people being there. As for thinking other brides would get yes responses and the people can afford it, don't be silly and you don't always know all that is going on.

Why would anyone want to go on holiday to Spain? What a weird destination, who on earth goes there?

I think this is a bit of an age thing to. Under 30 we went to weddings all over the world- admittedly our friends and us are all reasonable earners and quite upwardly mobile- but although it cost loads it was absolutely great fun and looked on as nothing but an adventure.

Post 30 with children hmmm. We’ve done it but it’s been hard and I completely agree that even if people can afford it it’s easy to be a bit resentful of how much it’s cost and the sacrifice made.

One thing I can’t stand is the assumptions about what people can afford and what they chose to spend money on. I have a friend who wanted a destination wedding and decided it would be fine because with 3/4 years notice she could start a little savings club for everyone and they could put it away over time. The idea of committing to a 4 year savings club for someone else’s wedding is just bonkers and she didn’t seem to realise even if it was £20 a month maybe people wanted to do something else with that £20

That said, most people I know who have married abroad have done so because they have a huge family, can’t afford to host such a large wedding and know that the invite list will reduce itself when you go abroad.

YABU. It's not personal. If they can do it, and want to, they will. If they can't, that's a shame, but c'est la vie. As you said, it's a very big ask. Why can't you have a party at home after the event?

My best friend just got engaged and wanted to have a destination wedding. First thing we did was look at flights and hotels. I couldn't afford to take all four kids with me (plus it's in term time) so DH would have to take a weeks leave (one flight a week for this destination). Flights weren't expensive but accommodation was. And a week, by myself. Plus a week of DH's leave when we like to camp as much as possible with the kids.

The whole thing was going to cost me £1500, before food and drinks.

I told her that I just couldn't justify it.

Thankfully she didn't want to get married without me, and so she is having a local wedding and a honeymoon to the original destination.

Your wedding will be fab no matter what happens, but don't let this spoil the day or your relationship with them.

YABVU. People may not be able to afford or even want to spend money on flights and hotels etc. to attend a wedding, I know I wouldn't. Your choice to plan a wedding overseas, their choice to decline. It's not rocket science is it.

Surely the point of a destination wedding is to escape having a big wedding with lots of people there?
If you want lots of people to come have it somewhere that is cheap and easy to get to and on a weekend, I would have thought that was obvious. Why did you decide to marry abroad, I don't get it?

Paying for people's travel and hotel might help if you want more people to come.

Honestly OP you are being totally unreasonable.

I would never go to or have a destination wedding. If i wanted to go abroad it would be for a holiday of my choice not pay all that money to go to someone elses celebration and spend a big chunk of my holiday doing what they want me to.

If your husband is Spanish, then presumably his family will be there.

If it’s just the trip to Spain you’re keen on , can you not just get married in the UK in an affordable manner then have a destination honeymoon?

Will weddings for British people in EU countries even have legal standing post-Brexit? Surely it’ll be one more thing in a very long list that will need new regulation?

EU weddings often don’t have legal standing now in the U.K. so can’t see that will make any difference

Yeah, that's the get kicker. Come spend loads to watch me not get legally married. Um, no.

I think, OP, you need to consider that ‘they can afford it’ can mean two different things. There may be very well off people who can afford it from the point of view that an extra £1000 (for example) spent on trips abroad won’t cause them problems; it’s essentially just an extra holiday for them. There may also be people who can afford it in the literal sense - as in they can afford to spend £1000 on a holiday - but who would have to make this their main holiday instead of going somewhere they chose to when they wanted to with the people they wanted to go with. It’s those people who are having to decline.

I was once invited to South Africa by a couple Renewing their Vows.
I wouldn't go to Southampton for that, never mind South Africa.

The problem with weddings these days is the only thing that should matter is saying the vows .

If you want lots of people there have it local to the majority.

I have no interest in going on a hen night that means I can’t get home or a wedding except immediate family either.

I just don’t care.

That doesn’t mean I don’t like people simply I am not invested in their wedding.

The last one I was invited to I chose to go camping instead probably cheaper and more fun.

Poor OP but just to make it worse you mentioned "the aunties who have moaned for years about not having anyone to go on holiday with then when the opportunity arises they decline" - but you haven't mentioned how old they are (could be 20, could be 80), whether they have the money to travel, whether you've made sure if in the very elderly range they know what to expect and how to get there, and whether they would have chosen your destination. And if in the upper range whether they can get travel insurance. They may also have read in the DM or wherever that queues for crossings and passport control will lengthen.

Have you spoken to any of your nearest and dearest to say you're disappointed and ask them why they're not coming? calmly?

Weve just flown to New Zealand for nephews wedding. So glad we went as weve had an amazing time. He emigrated there, so not really a destination wedding and he wad so pleased all his family turned up.

And op
You don’t have to dance if you don’t want to.

We had a destination wedding. It was a good excuse for not inviting people. 😂

We married abroad knowing full well that it would be a small wedding and a lot of people who we would have liked there wouldn't be able to come. It's the compromise you make.

As someone else said, you are essentially dictating to some people how they will use their money and leave, and possibly their only chance of a holiday.

A "no" doesn't mean they don't want to come to your wedding, it just means they can't go to your wedding in Spain.

I think you need to weigh up which is most important to you, and accepting the downside that comes with your decision.

If it's having the wedding in Spain, then you need to accept you will have a small wedding with just a few guests.

If it's having a big wedding with all your family and friends attending, then you need to accept that you will have to have the wedding where your guests are.

Only you know what is most important to you, so only you can decide. But it's not unreasonable for people to decline an invitation to a wedding abroad, even if you believe they can afford it and easily get the time off work.

20 people is a lovely number of guests, particularly if you are self conscious about being in the spotlight.

If there are particular people you will miss, how about a party or something when you get back?

It's your wedding, you don't have to dance or give a speech or anything else that you don't want to do.