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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu wedding

285 replies

Shortcake28 · 05/11/2018 05:09

Im organising my wedding in Spain I'm the first one to get married in 35 years in the family and I can't help but be disappointed and the amount of declines I'm getting from invites at this rate there will be less than 20 people there !

I've had so many people say they are coming for the past year then when I sent out the invites they have declined I get that it's a lot to ask and not everyone can afford it but I know a lot of people can but their reasons are poor for example they can't find an outfit or they don't have anyone to mind their cat . I can't help thinking it's personal and if it was someone else they would go. It's really affecting my relationship with them.
I'm also stressing about it in general I'm quite shy when it comes to dancing in front of people and can't help but dread it is it normal to feel this way

OP posts:
Darkstar4855 · 05/11/2018 10:22

It’s not just the cost for some people, it’s the time off work. If you don’t get much free time there’s a big difference between a day spent at a local wedding compared to packing a suitcase, cramming yourself onto a budget flight, staying away for 1/2 nights then travelling home and going straight back to work the next day exhausted and knowing that the house is a tip and the washing etc. hasn’t been done. It’s not generally a relaxing weekend away.

There’s lots of reasons why people don’t go to destination weddings, most of them aren’t personal OP. Either enjoy a small friendly wedding with the people who can make it or change it to something near home.

DioneTheDiabolist · 05/11/2018 10:22

I can't help thinking it's personal and if it was someone else they would go.
They probably wouldn't OP. Destination weddings sound exciting so most people say "yes". However once the costs and practicalities are thought through, reality bites and the invitation is declined. Less than £200 airfare for each person in no way represents the true cost which normally works out more expensive than a family holiday abroad.

YABU OP. So it comes down to do you want your family present at your wedding or do you want to get married in Spain? You can't have both.

Andromeida59 · 05/11/2018 10:22

OP, YABU. You have 20 people willing to spend a fortune to attend a wedding that is really only important to you and your partner. You should be happy that this number of people want to come.

ginandtonicformeplease · 05/11/2018 10:23

We've given some pretty crap excuses for not attending weddings this year - the truth is that we're undergoing IVF which is expensive but I don't want to tell everyone that.

It's all very well to say that flights are only £200, but we live miles from an airport - train tickets to get to our nearest can easily cost us that again.

Lizzie48 · 05/11/2018 10:24

I've got a couple of friends who had a destination wedding. What they did was get married on their own and then had a wedding reception afterwards, back in the UK. That worked really well.

If you have your heart set in having the whole thing in Spain, the reality is that a lot of your friends and family won't be able to afford it.

I have 4 cats and cattery costs are extortionate for us, so we wouldn't be able to go.

onalongsabbatical · 05/11/2018 10:29

The whole wedding thing is waaaaaay out of hand. Local church/registry, celebrate after locally, nothing overnight. I am now unwilling to go to anything more ostentatious than this. And I bet that's true of loads of people.

Figgygal · 05/11/2018 10:33

But why Spain? Do you love there? Either of you from there? Or is it just a wedding pictures thing?

MrsStrowman · 05/11/2018 10:36

We had a destination wedding, it's the choice you make, you can't be upset they don't prioritise spending all that money on you. We had about thirty, then had a big casual (catered) party when we got back, for around 100 so we got to celebrate with everyone else.

crispysausagerolls · 05/11/2018 10:37

I would really, really have to like someone to go abroad for their wedding. I have the money to do it comfortably, but I just hate it out of principle. If one of the couple in question is from there or they have a specific reason for doing it abroad it’s different, otherwise I just find it overwhelmingly selfish and self-indulgent.

MrsStrowman · 05/11/2018 10:39

FWIW before we decided on a destination wedding we'd asked our best friends, parents and my DB if they would be able and willing to do it, if they'd said no we would've had it in the UK, they said yes so we were expecting eight adult guests and my niece, the fact so many others wanted to and did come was amazing and I was over the moon, not upset about the other 100 who couldn't

Thebluedog · 05/11/2018 10:41

It’s not personal OP.

You’ve got to think about it from their point of view

Cost of flights and hotel
Cost of pet sitting
Days off work
New outfits
Cost of eating/drinking out (outside of the wedding)
Car parking at the airport
Taxis to and from airport and wedding - or a hire car
New outfits

For most people it will be either go to your wedding or have a family holiday. I’m afraid unless you were my dc or my best mate then I’d not go either. That is the problem with a destination wedding.

Thebluedog · 05/11/2018 10:43

Plus If it’s outside of school holidays, most people wouldnt want to go for the weekend and couldn’t take their kids out of school anyway.

WingingWonder · 05/11/2018 10:43

I have 24 days holiday a year to cover everything/ this already means I spend a fortune on childcare in school holidays, the ask to spend 2-4 days leave effectively adds another £400 childcare costs on top of whatever charge there is before I even start
I have a great job and earn well, visibly you’d assume with my lifestyle I’m swimming in cash. The reality is all the extras ie holiday etc are all funded through shrewd shares and saving the rest of the time. Cash flow is taken care of with mortgage and childcare, so I’d be one of those you’d expect to say yes but would be saying no to...

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 05/11/2018 10:52

Some people organizing their own destination weddings seem to think they are doing others a favour as they are getting a 'holiday' out of it too hmm

This! The last destination wedding we were invited too the B&G actually put on the invitation something along the lines of "we realise were asking you to travel a long way but this is a beautiful part of the world so why not spend a week and make a holiday of it?" Well, how very thoughtful but unless you're paying then I think I'll choose my own holiday destination, thanks Hmm

AJPTaylor · 05/11/2018 11:02

Unless you are Spanish you just have to suck it up.
Do not take it personally.
I get 25 days a year hols to cover 13 weeks school hols.
Ignoring the cost, it's the time that is the critical issue.

pictish · 05/11/2018 11:02

I’m not applying this to the OP because I don’t know her from Eve...but as with my bil whose destination wedding we did not attend (fucking Argentina, I ask you!) - it’s the short-sightedness involved. Like, why would you NOT want to spend hundreds and probably more...as well as annual leave, precious though it is, on my destination of choice to attend my big day...because that’s a total treat for you.
No it’s not! It’s a drain on resources and of no benefit to me at all!

quietmoon · 05/11/2018 11:03

Utterly selfish of you and anyone else who does this, to expect other people/family to fork out money and precious time off work to attend your wedding. In reality nobody actually cares about other people's relationships or weddings. It's nothing but a hassle and a drag and a destinatiin wedding even more so.

Gemini69 · 05/11/2018 11:09

I've been invited to 3 of these types of weddings... I loathe destination Weddings... and have always refuse the invites.. Flowers

NotTheFordType · 05/11/2018 11:09

I'm also stressing about it in general I'm quite shy when it comes to dancing in front of people and can't help but dread it is it normal to feel this way

Yes. My wedding day was one of the most stressful days of my entire life. I got around the whole dance thing by not having any music. I cannot imagine adding the stress of being in a foreign country on top of all the normal shit.

You don't have to have a wedding you know. You can just get married.

In the unlikely event that I ever decided to marry again, I'd just invite our immediate family (parents, siblings, children, grandchildren) to the ceremony and then book out a small-ish restaurant for a private party afterwards.

BackforGood · 05/11/2018 11:10

Of course YABU - as I suspect you will have picked up from 7 pages of everyone agreeing with each other Grin

A destination wedding would be 'thanks for the invite but a decline' from us. When we use leave we want it to go somewhere we want to go to, not be dictated too

This ^ 100%
The reason people started going abroad for their wedding, was, like an elopement. For whatever reason they wanted to avoid having the wedding in front of a big crowd of family and friends. If you want family and friends there, then have your wedding in a place that can conveniently be reached by everyone - it's not rocket science. It's not down to you how people spend their money, and use their annual leave, and call in favours for childcare / pet care.

PurpleCrazyHorse · 05/11/2018 11:10

I guess you're disappointed that people have been enthusiastic about coming and are now declining.

Probably looking into costs is when they've realised that they either can't or simply don't want to spend that sort of money. I agree that a couple isn't going to get much change out of £1000 and it will probably cost more for a family. Also, if family and friends have health conditions, then insurance could be prohibitive and some people might be concerned about costs and inconvenience escalating post-brexit.

MrDonut · 05/11/2018 11:19

What's the date of your wedding? Is it a difficult time of year?

If I were you, I'd organise a wedding reception in the UK and just go to Spain by yourselves or with the few that can attend.

greendale17 · 05/11/2018 11:25

@quietmoon

I care about my friends and family’s relationships and weddings

TemptressofWaikiki · 05/11/2018 11:30

Wow, you come across as a very entitled, childish and spoilt brat. If you marry abroad, you cannot expect anyone to come and should be utterly grateful to those that will go to all of that expense and use up their annual leave.

Fashionista101 · 05/11/2018 12:05

We were invited to a wedding in Ibiza last year. Could I afford it? Yes. Could I justify? Nope. I made some lame excuse about work Confused