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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu wedding

285 replies

Shortcake28 · 05/11/2018 05:09

Im organising my wedding in Spain I'm the first one to get married in 35 years in the family and I can't help but be disappointed and the amount of declines I'm getting from invites at this rate there will be less than 20 people there !

I've had so many people say they are coming for the past year then when I sent out the invites they have declined I get that it's a lot to ask and not everyone can afford it but I know a lot of people can but their reasons are poor for example they can't find an outfit or they don't have anyone to mind their cat . I can't help thinking it's personal and if it was someone else they would go. It's really affecting my relationship with them.
I'm also stressing about it in general I'm quite shy when it comes to dancing in front of people and can't help but dread it is it normal to feel this way

OP posts:
toxic44 · 06/11/2018 18:32

An acquaintance married in Spain recently and her family paid for over 200 guests (flights, hotels, the lot). Not many have the financial freedom to do that. I suspect it would have been 20 guests had people self-financed. Yabu to expect people to spend so much time and money just to see you be married.

magoria · 06/11/2018 18:32

Given the rough estimates of around £1k to attend your wedding. That is £10-£20k you are asking those 20 people to shell out.

How much exactly do you think your guests should have to pay to see you get married each let alone in total?

YABVU.

OliviaStabler · 06/11/2018 18:34

How can anyone be so self centred to get upset when people can't come to their wedding abroad?

I don't think it is self centred as people have being saying they will go to the OP. Maybe naivety that once the details were announced, some people could not afford it / reality of the expense actually hit them etc.

BewareOfDragons · 06/11/2018 18:39

YABU.

You don't have the right to expect people to spend their holiday time or money on you. Even if they're loaded. You just don't.

If you truly wanted all your loved ones there, you would have had your wedding in the country the majority of them live in , i.e., closer to home.

Sorry, but destination weddings are natural 'cull events' that help keep numbers down...

ButchyRestingFace · 06/11/2018 18:45

I have chosen a destination and week that is reasonable i.e. Return flights less than 200

Fantastic. You'll be able to sub all your guests for flights, taxis, hotels, food, the whole nine yards. How generous.

Someone really should have told you that "destination wedding" is just a fancy name for "elopement", @Shortcake28.

MeteorMedow · 06/11/2018 18:52

OP yanbu to be upset that people said they would come and have now backtracked. As a bride to be I understand that your plans were likely based around people saying they would come and you perhaps would have done something different had you known.

So you’re feeling let down.

The issue with ‘destination’ weddings is that the idea is lovely but the reality is often not. One you’ve costed it up and are facing a real number rather than an nice idea lots of people will back out!

Don’t judge whether you ‘think’ people can afford it or not either. That’s annoying AF! DP and I earn six figures and no DC yet, so everyone assumes we can afford everything! Yeah it’s ‘just one wedding in Croatia’, ‘Just one group holiday to USA’, ‘Just one Wedding in Italy’, ‘Just one family get away to the lakes’ - But it’s not ‘just one’ at all- end of the year it’s £15K we spent on friend and family obligations that we enjoyed but probably weren’t desperate to go to.

SheWoreBlueVelvet · 06/11/2018 18:53

It's probably an age thing though. I doubted I'd get all our invitees to our destination wedding.We had three declines out of forty and then four extras who asked to come.
I had forgotten that most were a bit older so no kids at home, had freelance jobs or had early retirement.

It also depends on inital flight costs and time of year. I don't think people would be as keen to go somewhere in the summer. The prospect of a bit of sun during late Autumn early Spring works better.

choli · 06/11/2018 18:53

My sister had a destination wedding which I attended at great expense as I live in the US. I would not attend a destination wedding if it was not that of an immediate relative.

midsomermurderess · 06/11/2018 18:54

That went well, the op well and truly scolded off.

mrshousty · 06/11/2018 18:56

Agree it's normal for a destination wedding... my brother in law got married in Cyprus and it was quite small... tbh if it wasn't my bil I wouldn't have been there either. It cost so much money.

GreenTulips · 06/11/2018 18:58

Everyone keeps harping on about costs

With the best will in the world I wouldn't want to spend a week in my families company!!!

pictish · 06/11/2018 18:59

I think this thread demonstrates just how tired people are becoming of destination weddings, hen dos and stag dos with all the self-absorption, hassle and expense that they entail.
What a narcissistic culture we have cultivated, whereby people feel genuinely aggrieved that their proposed guests are unwilling to meet their really quite outlandish demands. It’s not the OP’s fault...she’s a victim of this trend as much as any of us.

Mumoflove · 06/11/2018 19:07

I once had to travel abroad for a wedding and I regretted it enormously! The expense and the hassle are not worth it, unless it’s your childs’ wedding.

GhostsInSnow · 06/11/2018 19:17

It's about time too. Factoring in the leave I'd need to take, plus the cost would impact on an annual family holiday. I'm not going to cut back on precious family time to attend a destination wedding.

A saturday night down the local church hall and I'm all yours but having to commit my time and a few hundred quid at least, I'll wish you well and thats as good as it gets.

itswinetime · 06/11/2018 19:21

the aunties who have moaned for years about not having anyone to go on holiday with then when the opportunity arises they decline.

Doesn't mean they want to go to this destination with these people though does it?

It's the family members that I know leave/childcare isn't an issue that have hurt me a bit

Unless you know people with unlimited leave and unlimited free childcare it is an issue it is prioritising time off for your wedding over other commitments leave a wedding abroad means using leave and that is a choice. And as for childcare however easy you think it is for people it isn't!

I have chosen a destination and week that is reasonable i.e. Return flights less than 200. That's flights there is still accommodation food outfits luggage ect ect its a lot of money To spend on someone else's wedding

It's not distant relatives that I don't see that I have invited it's family close friends that see everyday

It's your wedding, your dream not theirs, they are probably very happy for you and very supportive but not willing to spend 1k on your wedding not that unreasonable is it.

AnonyMousee · 06/11/2018 19:24

Sorry but YABU. People work hard for their money and should be free to spend it how they like. I understand it's important to you but it doesn't mean it's important to others.

SalemBlackCat4 · 06/11/2018 19:26

I think it is really selfish to do these 'destination weddings', the fad has been done to death, and it is quite often tacky. There are also things like passports and the like which many people who have never travelled far in their own country, let alone overseas, find out they need to get. I personally don't understand it, it seems silly to me. Get married where you live - it is also much easier documentation/marriage certificate-wise, and have your honeymoon in Spain.

Purpleartichoke · 06/11/2018 19:32

You have to pick what matters to you. We cared about having the most family possible, so wed at a location that was inconvenient for us, but convenient for the vast majority of our family and friends. A destination wedding means that the location is what matters to you. There is nothing wrong with that, but you can’t be upset with people who don’t travel abroad for your event.

Jux · 06/11/2018 19:38

You have to decide what you want more, friends and family there with you when you marry, or marry abroad with hardly anyone there. It seems you're not going to get both.

Once it's happening, you'll be happy either way. What you need to think about is which do you think you'll look back on with least regret? Which do you think your guests - however many - will enjoy the most? Which set of photos are you going to enjoy looking at most?

Fowles94 · 06/11/2018 19:38

I think you need to realise it's not up the road it's spain, it's an inconvenience never mind the cost. I hope you enjoy it though.

Bearhorn · 06/11/2018 19:50

I had a destination wedding. This was back in the good old days of genuine cheap flights, some people got return flights for £20. Nobody paid more than £100. We supplied a list of local hotels from anywhere between £40 a night and £200. We specified no gifts. There was an activity the night before for which guests paid themselves (around £25 a head). This was also back in the good old days of people not going OTT on wedding outfits. It definitely put people out and was even back then, a lot of money for some guests, plus time off work. A couple of (older) guests moaned a lot and I'm sure other stuff was said behind our backs. I even had a complete stranger yell at me in a pub when I told him I was marrying my husband abroad, telling me it was the most arrogant thing he'd ever heard. We invited 100, we got 80. It was the most utterly incredible weekend of my life and everyone who was there still talks about it as a highlight of their lives. I think it's one of those tipping point things; friend A says to friend B 'you going to Shortcake's wedding', friend B says 'nah, it's too far/too expensive' Friend A says, 'yeah, I was thinking that too.' Then friend A talks to friend C and the whole thing carries on in a big negative wave. Because a destination wedding IS a big ask and it IS easier to say 'no' than 'yes' and you really need a big wave of positivity so that everyone says yes because they don't want to miss out on something amazing. It sounds like that might have happened here if, as you say, most people could come if they really wanted to. What sort of time do you have planned for your guests? Where would they be staying? What sort of wedding would it be? How do people feel generally about you as a couple? Is there a lot of love and support behind you? I think it's not enough to just say, we're getting married abroad, please come. You need a bigger pull, the sense that it will be something really special and romantic, something worth all the time, effort and the expense.

CoughLaughFart · 06/11/2018 19:51

OP yanbu to be upset that people said they would come and have now backtracked. As a bride to be I understand that your plans were likely based around people saying they would come and you perhaps would have done something different had you known.

It’s not really ‘backtracking’ though, is it? The OP herself says people declined once the invites had gone out. In other words, once people could work out properly how much leave they would need, how easy it would be to get to and from the destination, how much they would have to spend etc. People showing enthusiasm for a vague plan is not the same as committing for definite. Isn’t that why the OP, and everyone getting married, sent invitations?

CoughLaughFart · 06/11/2018 19:57

It was the most utterly incredible weekend of my life and everyone who was there still talks about it as a highlight of their lives.

😁😁

Bearhorn · 06/11/2018 19:59

It might put your teeth on edge Cough, but it's true!

hellobeautiful123 · 06/11/2018 20:01

Unfortunately if you get married abroad this might happen and there’s not much you can do sorry to break it to you

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