Have I been overly harsh on DD?

[Toebeans]

DD 15 has ruined her bedroom carpet with make up. She has asked for new bedroom furniture for Xmas - she would have liked new carpet too but I refused as she will not stop allowing make up brushes, mascara, eye pencils etc from falling on to her carpet where they stay and soak into the carpet.

In order to clear her room of the old furniture it’s been taken into our spare room where I have recently had a NEW carpet. All her make up has been put in the spare room on her old furniture whilst we await the delivery of the new furniture.

This morning I walked in the spare room to find a brow brush caked in brown stuff on the carpet with two large marks on the carpet where it fell or was pressed in.

I went completely ballistic and swept all DD’s makeup off the dressing table into the drawers and taped them up so the make up is now out of bounds until the new furniture comes and is installed in her room. She can only have it back then as if she wants to wreck carpets she can sodding well wreck her own already stained carpets. This will mean around 3 weeks with no make up.

She’s stayed in bed feeling sorry for herself all day but I’ve ignored her - she’s been warned repeatedly about leaving makeup everywhere and the fact she has no respect for the house. This is not the only thing she does, she will drip overfull cups of coffee everywhere, leave dirty wipes over her bed, handprints up her walls - basically no respect for anything.

Have I been unreasonable?

Total overreaction imo. At 15yo she has personal agency over how she wishes to present herself, taking away her makeup is very controling and potentially very distressing if she uses it to feel more self confident (very normal at 15, it doesn't mean she'll wear that much make up as an adult).

Anyway the carpet is not "ruined", brow powder doesn't stain, neither does mascara. A bottle of carpet cleaner and a scrubbing brush would cost less than a tenner on Amazon. You could have told her to buy it with her money and clean the carpet. That's a normal, proportionate consequence to her actions. Taping her makeup (her personal possessions) into a drawer and telling her she can't wear makeup for weeks is controlling and disproportionate. Also won't even result in a clean carpet...

Some of these comments are crazy! A 15year old is not an adult, parents have the right to discipline accordingly. This is what is wrong with the world today!

Do think about easing up on things like grubby hands on walls. My parents used to go ballistic about leaving marks down the staircase, and now that I'm an adult, I still think it's stupid - walls are washable (or can be made so), if I break my leg falling down the stairs, that's less easy to fix. They were basically giving me the message that they cared more about the colour of the walls than my safety.

If she does have trouble with spatial awareness, dropping brushes everywhere doesn't sound surprising. The thing is that if that is the case, she needs to find a way of managing it, like doing her make up in the bathroom, or on the bed (easier to clean bedsheets). She's old enough to have some responsibility for her actions and for coping with any deficits.

If i kept being irresponsible and making such a mess with my makeup at that age, my mother would have thrown the makeup AWAY, not confiscated it.

I'd not take away basic essentials teens need to combat bad skin, acne etc. I might not be so sympathetic about extras like brows and eyeshadow palettes. I'd just not make anyone go around barefaced if spotty - hard on the self esteem.

Hopefully the consequences make her respect her bedroom. If she just can't leave the house without makeup then she can put it on once she has left the house.

She doesnt need daily make up at 15, she sounds like a lazy spoilt brat and it is about time you dealt with it.

I think I probably am the problem as I don’t carry punishments through. Yep.

I've hosted a lot of teems over many years and, yes, some of them were like this.

ie unbelievable mess in a nanosecond. I would like to have recorded them to see how tf they did it so fast - they were astonishingly gifted at it. Also hefalump around the house, crashing about.

It sounds like you're wondering if there is an underlying issue other than general 15yo stuff. Do look into that, just in case.

Regardless, I think YABU to take her make-up away for 3 weeks. That is too harsh a punishment for a 15yo who is used to full make up every day. Find another sanction.

And do look into the 'best friends' thing. It's not good for her in the long run.

oh and as an aside irrelevant to the thread - this comment made me

however she was used to getting her own way constantly at her mums

Poor kid. Poor mum. Is her mum really the demon in it all? I wouldn't jump to that conclusion too readily iiwy Vixxxy.

I had acne as a teen and used make up to cover it. It was a really important part of my mental health to feel that my spots were covered.

If my mum had taken my make up away I think I would have felt quite distraught at the time.

Christ, I'm wondering how many of the posters agreeing you're are not being too harsh, actually have teenage daughters 😐

Sorry, but YABVU & she isn't ever going to forgive or forget this one if you go through with it, not because it will teach her a lesson, but because it is an incredibly cruel thing to do to a 15 yo girl.

& I'm sorry, but carpet in a teens or even DCs bedroom is stupidly & asking for exactly this to happen,so you need to take some responsibility for this yourself too. DD has vinyl flooring with sound proofed boarding in her room, meaning accidents like this wipe-away easily & don't need to become a big relationship defining drama.

I’d give her the choice - no make up until she’s back in her own room or she pays you back (via savings or pocket money contributions) for the cost of hiring a proper carpet cleaner for both rooms and then finds a way to keep her carpet clean. Maybe she could have a shower curtain in front of the mirror? 😂

Bingo! 51 minutes in and it’s queried whether she has been tested for ‘issues’ 🙄

And? Why the eye rolling? Are potential additional needs just too boring for you to consider? Why does the suggestion have no place on this thread for you?

It's her room and it's only a feckin carpet

I think the point is she stained her own carpet and then a brand new one in the spare room.

And no, dropping one lolly stick isn't a "horror", but from what the op said, this behaviour is replicated all over the house and indicates a general lack of respect and effort. My own 15 yr old leaves sweet wrappers all over the sofa, cables everywhere, shoes, glasses and mugs randomly all over the house and it drives me nuts! It really is very wearing to be having to clean up after an able bodied person who is more than capable of doing it themselves! (You should see her speed and focus when her friends are about to arrive!)

Having said all that, if the op's DD has always been a mucky eater, there could be something else going on, or she is just naturally a bit messy!

Not sure what I would do about the punishment in this case. Think I would have got her to clean the carpet and do other clearing up tasks around the house (you don't want to muck it up if you have put effort in to cleaning yourself).

I'm very surprised by those saying a 15 yr old would be "devastated" by not having access to make up though, and that she will be embarrassed etc. My dd is 15 yrs and neither she or any of her classmates wear make up to school.

I think you are being harsh.

A carpet in a teenage girls room will get trashed.

As parents we need to suck it up.

Kids eventually grow up.

Just a thought. The rule here is that if DD doesn't keep her room clean & tidy & doesn't stop dumping stuff around the house. Her friends are not allowed round at all. It's amazing how quickly that one worked & she does have SN that make her clumsy & exhausted

I really can't get worked up about messy teen rooms.

It's a non issue.

My DD is very messy. Carpet covered in nail varnish, make up, spilled drinks.

Her room has a door.
I close it.

She is a lovely individual.
I may be worried if she was zooming of on the back of a high powered motorbike with some guy on crack.

But she isn''t. Her life is on track, and I have more important things in my life to think about rather than a messy carpet.

Yanbu....totally fair. It will do her good to be without makeup anyway. Tell her she dosnt need it to be beautiful. Surely school won't allow it anyway.

We had thick vinyl and rugs. The vinyl isn’t as noisy as wood and wipes clean. It is cheaper than carpet and would make her new room look nice.

speakout I was a teenage girl and the carpet in my room was spotless when I left for university. And believe me, I wasn’t fussy or tidy and I did wear makeup.

How are you planning to punish yourself if the tape does end up wrecking the new furniture?

SabineUndine

Mine too. But my DD is not me.

I can't get worked up about make up on a carpet.
It stays messy. She is the one who lives with it. The room has a door.

People who are saying it is only a carpet....does anyone know how much these things cost to replace???

I can't believe someone called you unhinged op....stick with it. I never wore that much make up and still don't.

Kids have no resilience nowadays...and it's the fault of the parents.

Thank god I have teenage ds's and only need to worry like a pp about those irritating black bits from football Astro pitches going all over the house.

Glad I don't have dd's. All this nail varnish bedroom damage etc sounds like a nightmare.

I've never dropped a single bit of make up. Mrs Gloss and her online group don't seem to either!! 😉

Plus I'm not ds1's best friend. I'm him mum and my duty is to be his mum.