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Original poster

Have I been overly harsh on DD?

411 replies

Toebeans · 04/11/2018 21:01

DD 15 has ruined her bedroom carpet with make up. She has asked for new bedroom furniture for Xmas - she would have liked new carpet too but I refused as she will not stop allowing make up brushes, mascara, eye pencils etc from falling on to her carpet where they stay and soak into the carpet.

In order to clear her room of the old furniture it’s been taken into our spare room where I have recently had a NEW carpet. All her make up has been put in the spare room on her old furniture whilst we await the delivery of the new furniture.

This morning I walked in the spare room to find a brow brush caked in brown stuff on the carpet with two large marks on the carpet where it fell or was pressed in.

I went completely ballistic and swept all DD’s makeup off the dressing table into the drawers and taped them up so the make up is now out of bounds until the new furniture comes and is installed in her room. She can only have it back then as if she wants to wreck carpets she can sodding well wreck her own already stained carpets. This will mean around 3 weeks with no make up.

She’s stayed in bed feeling sorry for herself all day but I’ve ignored her - she’s been warned repeatedly about leaving makeup everywhere and the fact she has no respect for the house. This is not the only thing she does, she will drip overfull cups of coffee everywhere, leave dirty wipes over her bed, handprints up her walls - basically no respect for anything.

Have I been unreasonable?

OP posts:
Oblomov18 · 05/11/2018 07:12

Agreed. "Unhinged"? 🙄
For dd showing a total lack of care and respect for your home or your mums views and feelings?

And yes we've just had our whole house re-carpeted. Cost a fortune.

speakout · 05/11/2018 07:14

8People who are saying it is only a carpet....does anyone know how much these things cost to replace???*

Yes we do know.

But it does not need replaced.
A teenager who trashes a carpet lives with the mess.

Doesn't cost a penny.

Chocolatecoffeeaddict · 05/11/2018 07:14

I think you're mean. I remember at 15 I wore a little bit of make up every day and I didn't feel confident without it. She's 15, almost a young woman. Your behaviour sounds like something a controlling partner would do.

wewillrememberthem · 05/11/2018 07:14

I think it's fair although a long time. Can you talk to her and say she can earn it back by the end of the week if she cleans up after herself, keeps her room clean and tidy etc?

malificent7 · 05/11/2018 07:16

I would be focussing on telling her how beautiful she looks without makeup. That way you can maintain your relationship and in still some proper self esteem.

redfragglebiker · 05/11/2018 07:19

This sounds like an exact snapshot of teenage me. It literally sounds like someone has jumped in a time machine. I was also recently diagnosed as dyspraxic despite it never being picked up when I was a child (I'm now mid 30s) It explains so much about how I am and stops me feeling weird, stupid and clumsy now I know where it comes from so please see if you can arrange some kind of assessment as I wish dearly that I'd had one.

malificent7 · 05/11/2018 07:19

I suppose my view is coloured as I rent and my landlady would kick off if the carpets aren't of an acceptable standard...annoying but it does make dd help out when I tell her the landlady is cross!

Digggers · 05/11/2018 07:26

She sounds dyspraxic.

I’m dyspraxic and so are my kids. It’s not something you can help. I’ve spent a lifetime being told to be careful when I think i’m Trying to be. My kids are the same now. It’s incredibly frustrating to have dyspraxia or to live with a dyspraxic. Research it OP, it might ring some bells. Not that it should stop you expecting your daughter to learn and try, but it might make you both realise that in order for a dyspraxic to be careful/ organised then you need to have strategies, reminders and systems that aren’t learnt and checked, rather than expecting it to be innate and getting annoyed when it isn’t.

ForgivenessIsDivine · 05/11/2018 07:30

Stay strong, Nobeans. No 15 year old needs makeup but they do need to learn how to behave. Even if she does have mild issues with this, it is clearly not something that is causing major issues at school but this is the perfect opportunity to work with her to find out what strategies she needs to use to help her with them.

You did the right thing. .. do not back down!!!

Snomade · 05/11/2018 07:46

I came on to say the same as Digggers. My cousin has dispraxia and literally can't remember to tidy up, put lids back on things etc.
Of course you're daughter might just be a bit lazy, who knows, but the failure to even see the mess reminded me a lot of my cousin

Oblomov18 · 05/11/2018 07:57

And even if there is dyspraxia, the condition still needs to be managed. that still doesn't excuse total lack of respect.

Op said she'd already repeatedly said no food outside the kitchen. So continue to slop coffee in an over filled mug isn't ok. Repeatedly.

And we all face telling our children things repeatedly. "How many times have I told you" .....

But with a dd with dyspraxia you'd sit down and have the coffee talk. I've never personally overfilled a cup or slopped it around. But if she does you sit and talk about why that happens, how you try and prevent it happening in the future. Do you get a special cup that has a line. And when she does overfill it again, forgetfully, which she will you talk about how this isn't working but we could try that now.

But general disrespect and lack of care is not ok. Even with a disability. Disability isn't an excuse. Even with a condition, you should at least be striving for care and respect. Even if you don't get there all the time.

Corneliafunk · 05/11/2018 08:06

I would make her pay for some really decent carpet cleaner or a rug doctor, something like that. Or a mobile carpet cleaning guy. if she doesn't have the money, I would give her jobs to earn it. Kids not caring about what they do (and spill) around carpets really does my head in. You are doing her a favour for when she is older and renting a house/flat herself!

areanyusernamesleft211 · 05/11/2018 08:10

Sounds absolutely fair and a last restorer. There comes a point where you have to be harsh and it seems like you have been perfectly reasonable.

TheStoic · 05/11/2018 08:10

I’d have done what you did, OP. She hasn’t learnt to take care of things before now, hopefully this will help.

As for those saying she NEEDS make-up, and it’s terribly cruel to take it from her, are you serious? You think it’s OK for anyone, let alone a teenage girl, to be reliant on cosmetics to the point they don’t want to leave the house? That is seriously messed up.

puzzledlady · 05/11/2018 08:11

Nah. My mother did even allow me make up at 15. I would have done the same as you - possibly made it a month. It’s very careless for her to keep dropping stuff on the floor and not caring. How will she learn if there are no punishments?

RockinHippy · 05/11/2018 08:22

As for those saying she NEEDS make-up, and it’s terribly cruel to take it from her, are you serious? You think it’s OK for anyone, let alone a teenage girl, to be reliant on cosmetics to the point they don’t want to leave the house? That is seriously messed up.

Don't be ridiculous Stoic, nobody said that all, just you.

My own teen is very capable of facing the world without her make up,but if she's having a rough day, anxiety p, bad skin etc, it helps her feel more confident. As she puts it, on the days I can't face the world, painting on a make up mask helps a lot with confidence.

That's not to say she isn't confident, just that teens are a bag of hormonal fluctuations & contradictions & crutches like a bit of make up help them get through it

FrancisCrawford · 05/11/2018 08:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheStoic · 05/11/2018 08:26

Don't be ridiculous Stoic, nobody said that all, just you.

RTFT

TheStoic · 05/11/2018 08:27

That's not to say she isn't confident, just that teens are a bag of hormonal fluctuations & contradictions & crutches like a bit of make up help them get through it.

Yet isn’t it amazing that boys seem to manage without it.

thereallochnessmonster · 05/11/2018 08:37

Rockinhippy - I'm sorry, but carpet in a teens or even DCs bedroom is stupidly & asking for exactly this to happen,so you need to take some responsibility for this yourself too.

Really? I've heard it all now. The girl is 15. Not 2.

Are we supposed to remove all carpets and anything that might be stained or broken when we conceive, and resign ourselves to our houses looking like shit for the next 20 years? What a bonkers comment.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 05/11/2018 08:48

I can understand your frustration but a 3 week make up ban is harsh. My DD wouldn't have gone to school at 15 if I'd done that.

Smallplant · 05/11/2018 08:58

To all the people who keep smugly saying "I've never worn makeup, my daughter only wore a tiny bit of lipgloss," "needing to wear makeup every day is ridiculous"... It's not really relevant is it?

No, she doesn't life-or-death NEED to wear makeup. Your teenage daughter also doesn't NEED hair straighteners, need a hairbrush, need clothes which aren't handed down to her from a male cousin etc etc. She should go to school feeling like rubbish and be grateful for it Hmm But why would you prevent your daughter from feeling her best? Out of spite? (maybe it's because I didn't go to a posh school where make up is banned, but you'll find at all normal comprehensives girls are allowed to wear makeup, even a full face).

Just look up the stats for the % of teenage girls who have mental health issues/ self image issues/anxiety (although I'm sure you'd all tell yourselves that's not your daughter..). It IS incredibly cruel to take makeup away from a 15yo who is used to wearing a full face every day. It WILL impact on her day. She'll have people asking her if she's ill, maybe people doing a double take or asking her about it at school. Why would you put a self conscious teenager through that?

My friends and I wore makeup every day as teenagers, and we've all developed more healthy relationships with ourselves as we've got older, and now don't wear makeup every day in our twenties. We have self confidence and are comfortable in our skin. We don't have teenage brains anymore. But taking away from a 15yo as a punishment for making a carpet dirty is cruel. Like others have said, it's more like something a controlling partner would do.

I'm always astounded on this site by women who don't remember what it was like to be a teenage girl. Was it really that long ago? You'll make already difficult years harder and your children won't like you. Why would you want that?

There's so many proportionate ways of disciplining a teenager... Chores, cut pocket money, grounded, clean the carpet herself, miss out on a fun treat/event... Hell, get her to clean the house every day for a few months if you're that bothered. I bet given the choice she would choose that punishment instead. Taking her makeup away for weeks is disproportionate and she will struggle and resent you.

RockinHippy · 05/11/2018 08:59

I'm not quite sure where child proofing or generally making a house/rooms more practical & fit for purpose, translates as "looking like shit" Monster, 

Personally I hate carpets, they always look pretty shit to me & are often totally impractical. I wouldn't judge them as another's choice though, they are just not my taste. Though around here, I know plenty who see bedroom carpets as "chavvy/common as muck, so the irony of your comment isn't lost on my 

Presuming anything other than your taste is "bonkers" is pretty damned bonkers & very judgemental in my book.

RockinHippy · 05/11/2018 09:04

"Yet isn’t it amazing that boys seem to manage without it."

They don't though Stoic, they just have different tools they use to present themselves. Be it their hair gel, barber or whatever. Sadly boys these days don't get let off with the pressure of teen angst over how they look

Smallplant · 05/11/2018 09:04

FWIW I can remember getting a bit of mascara stains on the carpet in front of my bedroom mirror as a teenager, my mum didn't say anything because she wasn't a controlling weirdo.... If she had asked me to clean it up, I'd have been fine and understood. If she'd tried to take away my makeup... Well, if she'd have tried to take it away at 15, I'd have probably been baffled tbh, because it was my personal property and she would have never told me how to present myself or curb my self expression (even through the worst glittery eyeshadow/blue eyeliner phase!) because she was a nice mum and not controlling.

As an adult I made the bedroom carpet slightly dirty in my rental flat through make-up. I just bought a bottle of carpet cleaner and a brush. Took about 15 minutes. Good as new. I don't understand your disproportionate response at all :s