Have I been overly harsh on DD?

[Toebeans]

DD 15 has ruined her bedroom carpet with make up. She has asked for new bedroom furniture for Xmas - she would have liked new carpet too but I refused as she will not stop allowing make up brushes, mascara, eye pencils etc from falling on to her carpet where they stay and soak into the carpet.

In order to clear her room of the old furniture it’s been taken into our spare room where I have recently had a NEW carpet. All her make up has been put in the spare room on her old furniture whilst we await the delivery of the new furniture.

This morning I walked in the spare room to find a brow brush caked in brown stuff on the carpet with two large marks on the carpet where it fell or was pressed in.

I went completely ballistic and swept all DD’s makeup off the dressing table into the drawers and taped them up so the make up is now out of bounds until the new furniture comes and is installed in her room. She can only have it back then as if she wants to wreck carpets she can sodding well wreck her own already stained carpets. This will mean around 3 weeks with no make up.

She’s stayed in bed feeling sorry for herself all day but I’ve ignored her - she’s been warned repeatedly about leaving makeup everywhere and the fact she has no respect for the house. This is not the only thing she does, she will drip overfull cups of coffee everywhere, leave dirty wipes over her bed, handprints up her walls - basically no respect for anything.

Have I been unreasonable?

How much make up does she have that it can regularly stain the carpet? I'd be tempted it to throw it all out until she can look after it properly.

YANBU OP - your DD has now damaged two carpets in two different rooms, one of which was new. I would also be handing out consequences for that one as it was easily avoidable and not an accident.

I do think you need to hold your nerve now and not go back on the punishment. Try a rug doctor and their stain spray to see if you can get the newer carpet looking better.

I don't take glee in punishing my own or anyone else's children My own child is heading towards the teenage years. You do need to respect where you live.

I would cancel the renovation and new furniture. She was warned about creating mess, so she shopuld expect some punishment. It might seem harsh, but if she can't keep her stuff tidy, then she will reduce her newly decorated room and new furniture back to its current state within weeks. Do you really want that?

Tell her the renovations will be back on once she has demonstrated she can live clean and tidy for at least 3 months.

IncyWincyGrownUp

You're aware people parent differently yes? You're entitled to your opinion but basing it off the fact you don't do it is ignorant.

But it was you who said removal of privilege is the next logical step.

It simply is not the " logical" next step for many people.

I suggest you are the ignorant one.

If a teenager would rather bunk a day off school than go without make-up, then they need help. That's some serious self-esteem issues.

speakout I think you're mixed up with who said what.

I have a dd like this and I think you are being completely reasonable. I’d be tempted to halt the refurbishment of her room, put the old stuff back in and tell her she can have new furniture when she can prove she can look after it. But chances are she won’t

I think Ajax has it, that's a far more appropriate response to lack of care over her surroundings. Mine definitely wouldn't be getting new furniture, if she wasn't looking after her current room properly.

She actually isn't moving into a new bedroom with en-suite as promised a few years ago, because she wasn't looking after her current room well enough for a while. That's changed as she wants the freedom to invite her friends round as & when & she knows that's only an option if she cleans up after herself

Every single time I have posted on here about her antics I have been told I am being too harsh and that this sort of stuff is par for the course for teenagers.

It's bizarre, isn't it? I've seen a lot of this kind of stuff too.

How would you react if your DD told you her boyfriend had thrown out her clothes or banned her from wearing make up?

I would be shocked, because partners are supposed to be equals. Parents and kids are not. Parents are supposed to have some level of control over kids behavior for a reason.

If we want to sit here imagining that this girl is an equal partner in the house rather than a dependent child, well, OK, what would we think about a partner who messes the place up and doesn't clear up after herself, the way this girl is doing?

I am also wondering if secondary schools in the UK should start banning "visible, done-looking" makeup along with the mobile phone bans that are coming in. It sounds like in some schools, it is becoming one of those things that girls end up feeling that they HAVE to do and end up becoming emotionally dependent on it. Makeup is banned in schools in many countries, there is nothing impossible about this.

Kokeshi my daughter goes to a school where natural looking makeup is permitted, but there’s a caveat in the home-school agreement that states it’s up to the school to determine ‘natural’, and they do make those with excessive make up on remove it. There’s a massive stash of removal wipes in school for that purpose. It makes most of the make up wearing students very careful with their application, and you don’t see many spiderleg lashes past the first few weeks of autumn term! :o

YANBU
At 15 I was a lot more careful and respectful. Like you say, if an accident it happens but to leave it overnight and not care I find a bit ridiculous.

Yup.

In my experience, given that teachers cannot go around with a microscope it's impossible to completely remove all makeup-wearing from school (a bit of subtle foundation, powder and tinted lip balm is going to go under the radar), but makeup bans do generally seem to be effective for removing the pressure to go in with a full face of "done" looking makeup (which then removes the problem of peer pressure and of feeling like once you have started completely wearing this artificial-looking face you can't stop doing so without attracting comments).

Plus, schools which ban makeup are usually OK with girls using concealer or similar products if they have an "issue" and have a note from a dermatologist.

I am also wondering if secondary schools in the UK should start banning "visible, done-looking" makeup along with the mobile phone bans that are coming in.

Both have always been banned at DDs's school. Makeup is totally banned in year 7 and 8 except for foundation and concealer as it is recognised that some children really need it for their self esteem e.g. if they have acne.

I don't think you're being harsh at all. Although won't she just buy new makeup/borrow friends makeup?

I've not got teenagers so I might be wrong, but perhaps get her to clean the carpet (including her own carpet) so she can see how difficult it is (plus you get your carpets cleaned), then she gets her make-up back.

Keep doing that every time she gets makeup on the floor. I think that would teach her the point to looking after things properly because she'll see how much nicer a clean carpet is in her room, and what a ballache it is to clean it.

You are not being totally unreasonable but equally teenagers do do stuff like this. I got hair dye all over my bedroom carpet at about that age. Totally recommend dr Beckmann carpet cleaner by the way (one with the brush). I've literally just (this morning) cleaned
My own makeup out of my bedroom carpet. Maybe you could say she can have her make up back once she has cleaned it up.

Oblomov, I totally agree that dyspraxia doesn’t negate the need to respect others and try to follow strategies. But it DOES make it extremely difficult to consistently manage to control your mental processing and motor planning . It’s not just a case of getting a cup with a line and job done. It’s remembering and being hyper vigilant every single time you hold a cup of coffee , because it never comes naturally. It’s exhausting.

For instance at 45 I have no one to clear up after me, I have to do it myself (and clear up after 2 dyspraxic kids) . But can I put a lid on properly still? Can I remember where I put my hairbrush again for the twentieth time? Can I stop my clothes living on the floor? NO! Not without it taking all my energy and processing skills, leaving me anxious and angry.

The OP’s daughter may not be able to help it. Especially if she’s had a lifetime of recrimination and resulting low self esteem because she doesn’t understand why she can’t do things that come easily to others.

Ofcourse she might not have dyspraxia and may need a kick up the arse. Or she may have dyspraxia and need a kick up the arse .

Sounds like dyspraxia to me though

So many over-the-top posters. She hasn't "damaged" two carpets. Make up can be easily cleaned from carpets, as many posters have said. What she's done is NOT equivalent to stamping blue tac into every carpet/fabric and taking it to other people's house to mush into their sofas (???? Why blu tac? There must a backstory with that one).

She has spilled some makeup. She should be made to buy the carpet cleaner with her own money and clean it up, then put her makeup on in the bathroom in future. It's not difficult to think of a proportionate response, is it? If you're still that angry about it, add an extra punishment - one that's a normal sanction that's been discussed in the past (be it grounding, no video games, extra chores, whatever in your household). But making a girl who usually wears a full face of makeup every day suddenly go without is cruel. She will get comments and feel bad about herself.

If it's an issue of how much she wears and making her feel more confident, the way to reduce the amount of makeup you wear is gradually. Although frankly as long as she's not been told off at school, I don't think it's really a parents business how their 15yo does their face. She probably has insecurities you don't know about (not just obvious ones like spots). Yes most teenagers makeup is pretty ott, but it won't last forever.

Kokeshi123

If my partner made a mess on the carpet I would just ask him to clean it up. If it was a regular thing that was becoming annoying I'd ask him to change his behaviour (ie do your makeup in the bathroom love, it's getting annoying). I'd be a bit annoyed but not hysterical like some people are here.

You do make a good point about children not being equal partners in a relationship with their parents. Teenagers are not equal partners to their parents, and should still be punished. You can ground a teenager, prevent them from going out with friends, tell them they won't get an allowance if they don't do certain chores, all those things that it would be wrong and abusive to tell a partner.

BUT, although you have the power as a parent, you don't own your child. They are their own person. A teenager is getting more personal agency and independence, and whereas it's normal to tell a child under 12 what to wear, to go through all their stuff in their bedroom when tidying, etc, I'd hope it was pretty widely accepted that it's unfair and controling to do that to a teenager.

You can (and should imo!!) ban your 10yo daughter from wearing make up. However you shouldn't say "you're my dependant child, you're not equal" to a 15year old and take their makeup away. Will the OP be taking her make up away when she's 17? 18? If you treat teenagers like an adult, they will act more like one. I REALLY don't see why the OP wouldn't just ask a 15yo to use carpet cleaner and put her makeup on in the bathroom in future. Treating your mid-to-late teens like dependent children will drive them away. It's patronising and yes it is controlling.

I completely agree with posters saying schools should ban "done" looking makeup. 100%. Would take the pressure off teenage girls. Just allowing a small amount of concealer or natural makeup which goes under the radar would be much much better for teens in a learning environment, removing peer pressure.

BUT as it stands, if your child's school isn't enforcing a makeup ban, and it's normal for peers to wear a glam full face, and your daughter is used to doing mascara, brows, full face etc, then suddenly you remove all her makeup and send her in with not even a bit of concealer or light natural makeup, that will cause her undue distress!!!! Ffs it's not hard to grasp!!!

Bingo! 51 minutes in and it’s queried whether she has been tested for ‘issues’ 🙄

And? Why the eye rolling? Are potential additional needs just too boring for you to consider? Why does the suggestion have no place on this thread for you?

CarolDanvers. Where did I say additional needs were ‘boring’? What is boring is that whenever bad or inconsiderate behaviour is mentioned, so many on MN seem to have difficulty accepting that these behaviours exist and that there must be a special need of some sort.

It’s not exactly typical for teenagers to still be unable to eat without spilling a lot of food down themselves and the op did have concerns about her development when she was younger. So, in this case, I don’t think considering things like dyspraxia is unwarranted.

I like the compromise idea.. get her to buy some proper cleaning stuff, scrub it herself, and then put makeup on in the bathroom until her furniture arrives. I do think the three week punishment is too harsh and will only breed resentment.

The lolly stick though! Standard and tame for a teen