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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think daughter is ungrateful/expects too much

865 replies

Pompom42 · 04/11/2018 20:19

Have a teenage daughter she's 13.
She currently shares a bedroom with her younger sister. The younger sister is 3 but isn't really sleeping in there atm she still sleeps in my room with me.
We have a 2 bed bungalow which is not tiny but not large either. But we are all on the one floor so I appreciate we do get in each other's way at times.
Just recently she keeps saying to me "wish I didn't have to share a room with my sister".
Whilst it isn't ideal as I said youngest isn't sleeping in there. It's a nice room and was all decorated and new beds etc 2 years ago.
Now she's started saying "this house is tiny, when can we move?"
"All my friends houses are bigger, this house is really really tiny compared to theres"
I've said to her tonight I can't afford anything else. We live in a naice area and at the time it was this house or nothing. We have a drive and a garden and it's in a pretty village.
For some reason it's made me feel really upset. AIBU in thinking she's spoilt? Or is this normal teenage behaviour?
What about years ago when you had families of 6 children all living in a 3 bed house.
What can I say to her?

OP posts:
Twosmirkingducks · 04/11/2018 21:11

And yes, even though her sister isn’t in her room right now, it’s technically not solely her own room (her own territory as it were). If all her friends have their own rooms or less of an age gap between siblings they share with, DD is no doubt feeling hard done by. Again with maturity she will hopefully see there was no other option at that time and there are a heck of a lot of worse things in life.

SoftSheen · 04/11/2018 21:12

A 13 year old sharing with a 3 year old isn't really workable. What happens when your 13 year old is 16 and wants to chat to her boyfriend till late, come home from parties at midnight or have friends boyfriends over?

Could you either:

-Give the 13 year old the smaller room until she's 18ish and moves out, and share the larger room with your 3 year old for the next few years?

-Put up a room divider to give the 13 year old more privacy?

-[dons hard hat] consider cutting down on your many holidays and rent a 3 bedroom property?

JovialNickname · 04/11/2018 21:12

The thing is though that you're going to have to do something imminently - a 13 year old sharing with a 3 year old (that is barely in there anyway) is a necessary evil, but in a year or less it will be a 4 year old that wants to properly be in her own bedroom, with a 14 year old. Then a 5 year old in with the 15 year old. The older one needing to properly study for GSCEs whilst a little one whines and wants attention and isn't even potty trained or doesn't even sleep through the night maybe, in the same room. It's not sustainable even if it's just about OK now - what's your long term plan?

brizzledrizzle · 04/11/2018 21:13

I can see why she doesn't like it but she's old enough to understand it is the way things are.
It sounds like the room is pretty much her room anyway.
Is the problem more that she feels she can't have friends round because she doesn't have her own room?

Blendingrock · 04/11/2018 21:13

13 is an awkward age. She's just beginning to be aware that there are differences in situations and circumstances, and she'll hate that. 13 is an age where you don't want to be different to your friends, being the same = acceptance, being different = the possibility of rejection or ridicule.

At 13 our middle girl decided that only designer brand clothing was good enough because that's what her friends were wearing, and she knew they were expensive and to her it was simple. If we loved her we'd lavish money on her, whether we had it or not. I only once bowed to pressure and bought her some expensive leggings, which she and her friends promptly cut the legs off to turn into shorts because the leggings were "too hot". Of course then they were too short so she never wore them as shorts either. I was livid, and we had a free and frank discussion about it.

At 13 she is old enough to begin to understand the realities of life. Yes you'd love to be able to move to a bigger house where she could have her own room; but you can't. As other's have said, it is what it is. You are doing your best to give her what privacy you can, and she just has to accept that.

Without going into information overload, use this an an opportunity to talk about the cost of living - house, food, etc -vs- available cash, and the fact that everyone has to budget, and introduce the reality of what it means to budget (she'll need to learn that lesson at some point anyway so may as well start now).

Bottom line, of course she's being ungrateful, because she's 13 and at the moment can only see things in terms of how they affect her. That's totally normal for her age group. We only learn gratitude as we get older and realise that whilst we don't always have what we want, there is always someone else worse off. Don't stress about it, don't take it personally or allow yourself to be upset by it. Your'e doing fine Smile

HPFA · 04/11/2018 21:14

You might want to try getting hold of this book

www.amazon.co.uk/How-Talk-Teens-will-Listen/dp/1853408573/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=talk+listen+teenagers&tag=mumsnetforum-21&ie=UTF8&qid=1541365379&sr=8-1

which has really good suggestions on how to tackle these sorts of issues.

I think in your situation the authors would suggest that you:

  1. Allow your daughter to express all her feelings about the situation without criticism. Show that you understand how she's feeling.

  2. Explain your position and feelings in the same way. I sometimes ask my daughter "Can you explain why I might feel differently about this?" I must admit when I first tried this I expected "cos you're a mean, horrible mother" and was amazed at the empathic response I actually got.

  3. Ask if she can come up with any solutions.

But I really disagree with those people saying she should be told to be grateful and that other people have worse problems. Has anyone EVER been comforted by someone telling them they shouldn't be upset because other people have it worse?

IceRebel · 04/11/2018 21:15

The older one needing to properly study for GSCEs whilst a little one whines and wants attention and isn't even potty trained or doesn't even sleep through the night

Not only this but separate bedtimes. if the 5 / 6 year old goes to bed at 7pm then the eldest isn't able to spend time in her room, and has to sneak in when she goes to bed.

gigantus · 04/11/2018 21:16

Second the sofa-bed-in-living-room suggestion. 'Paying all the bills' doesn't, IMO, give priority over reasonable needs, and children have more of a need of separate space than adults (as for children that is really their only space; adults have the rest of the house)

Don't be so fucking ridiculous

Pompom42 · 04/11/2018 21:16

Redgreencoverplant I find your comment rude
I wasn't living here when I was pregnant I was living with my partner in a 3 bed house. I'm not stupid you know. I didn't purposely have another baby in a 2 bed house without considering if it was a boy?

OP posts:
Rudi44 · 04/11/2018 21:16

I don’t think she isn’t is spoilt, she’s a teenage girl who is craving her own space. Whilst that might not be possible in your current situation I wouldn’t judge her too harshly.
It’s a big age gap, it’s probably pretty tough for her. Is there anyway you can screen off part of the room for her.

DeadGood · 04/11/2018 21:17

“ I fail to see how a child has a greater need for personal space than an adult.”

Well, teenagers only have one space in the home that’s “theirs”, and it’s their rooms. They spend a lot more time in their bedrooms than adults do for this reason. And I would say that they do need more privacy than adults, for many reasons, not the least of which is their changing bodies and greater sense of self consciousness.
I’m not saying the OP should give up her room and sleep on the sofa bed as someone else suggested. But I do think a little understanding of the teenager wouldn’t go astray.
OP why not just sit down with your daughter and have a talk through the various options? Are you prepared to make any changes at all? I’m guessing that once you tell her that a bigger house would mean a new school, she’d cool on the idea. But she might have ideas (sleeping in a converted attic space for example, or swapping rooms for your small one) that you hadn’t considered

Geraniumpink · 04/11/2018 21:17

I would have hated sharing a room at that age - as a messy and creative teen I loved my own space. Bungalows sometimes have generous attics - so would that be a possibility? Failing that a high sleeper with curtains round, so at least there is some sort of escape from a younger sibling, whose toys might need the floor space for some years yet.

Rudi44 · 04/11/2018 21:18

Sorry, * don’t think she is spoilt.

Pompom42 · 04/11/2018 21:18

Rachelover40 did you read my post properly?
It's not just the sharing bit I'm saying she's ungrateful about. It's the fact she's saying the house is tiny and her friends houses are so much bigger. Some of her friends share rooms with siblings as there are 4 or 5 children.
I can't help it the house is small. To me it's a house and better than a flat.

OP posts:
MarcieBluebell · 04/11/2018 21:20

I think she's normal needing privacy and space.

ToddlerTamerMumma · 04/11/2018 21:20

I understand your predicament, but honestly I'd try every reasonable option to avoid them sharing with that age gap. I shared with my sister when I was younger (from when I was 9 she was 17 - so less of a gap than your girls) and it was bad on both sides I think ... my sister didn't get the space she needed or the privacy and I think I was exposed to older teenage stuff much earlier than perhaps I should have been as a result. I remember when her and her friends started going out (she was 18 after all) and she would come in late (sometimes drunk!) and wake me too at weekends. Then when she started working she did odd shifts and would unintentionally wake me late night/early morning and school were worried about how tired I seemed.

She moved out as soon as she could and looking back I think it must have been v difficult for her to live with me being so much younger in the same room. I expect it's even more difficult to be a teen and share with a toddler though, so whilst I totally appreciate your predicament (you can just magic an extra room!) YABU to consider her ungrateful for wanting her own room.

Walkingdeadfangirl · 04/11/2018 21:20

hey do have the biggest bedroom out of the 2. I'm in a single room there's is a large double

Its perfectly normal teenage behaviour. Just give her the single room and the 3yo & you have the double room.

Problem solved. By the time your youngest needs her own room your teenager will be off to uni.

Pompom42 · 04/11/2018 21:20

Jovialnickname I take it you don't have children?
She's 3 and is potty trained a year ago and has been sleeping through the night also a year ago. How many 5 year olds do you know that aren't potty trained?

OP posts:
converseandjeans · 04/11/2018 21:20

YANBU as it's a bit of a first world problem. But as a teenager I think her reaction is fairly par for the course. It's just a funny age with them wanting more privacy. As others have suggested could you put up some sort of curtain/divider? Is there a garage? We've got a similar size house but it does have a 3rd bedroom which is tiny. But we have had a partition wall put in garage and turned it into a storage room/basic utility room. However if it was plastered and had proper flooring it might pass as a bedroom or even just a chill out area.

Pompom42 · 04/11/2018 21:21

brizzledrizzle
She's has friends over and sleepovers on a weekly basis. Her friends are always here

OP posts:
IceRebel · 04/11/2018 21:21

It's not just the sharing bit I'm saying she's ungrateful about. It's the fact she's saying the house is tiny and her friends houses are so much bigger.

I wouldn't see that as ungrateful, lots of teens compare their house, holidays, parents, pets, bedtime, you name it to their friends. She's becoming aware that others have different lives and it's ok to moan sometimes. Gosh I know i'm guilty of moaning about friends who go away to nice places when I can't afford it, sometimes a little jealously sneaks out.

converseandjeans · 04/11/2018 21:21

I was also going to suggest an alternative of you giving her the small single room and you sharing with younger DD.

Redgreencoverplant · 04/11/2018 21:21

I'm sorry you found it rude OP that was not my intention. It was not clear that you had moved into the house since having your second DD so it was I think reasonable to ask if there had been a plan for if the baby had been a boy. There are people who get pregnant for the second time in a two bed house and I don't consider them stupid I would just assume that they had a plan which is why I asked.

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