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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think daughter is ungrateful/expects too much

865 replies

Pompom42 · 04/11/2018 20:19

Have a teenage daughter she's 13.
She currently shares a bedroom with her younger sister. The younger sister is 3 but isn't really sleeping in there atm she still sleeps in my room with me.
We have a 2 bed bungalow which is not tiny but not large either. But we are all on the one floor so I appreciate we do get in each other's way at times.
Just recently she keeps saying to me "wish I didn't have to share a room with my sister".
Whilst it isn't ideal as I said youngest isn't sleeping in there. It's a nice room and was all decorated and new beds etc 2 years ago.
Now she's started saying "this house is tiny, when can we move?"
"All my friends houses are bigger, this house is really really tiny compared to theres"
I've said to her tonight I can't afford anything else. We live in a naice area and at the time it was this house or nothing. We have a drive and a garden and it's in a pretty village.
For some reason it's made me feel really upset. AIBU in thinking she's spoilt? Or is this normal teenage behaviour?
What about years ago when you had families of 6 children all living in a 3 bed house.
What can I say to her?

OP posts:
Behappy2 · 08/11/2018 23:29

I'm so sorry for all the comments on here. This is only the second comment I've ever posted but I have been watching your thread and I just have to comment.

Firstly, your daughter has to learn about money because even when she's older she's going to get a shock about how far money can stretch because clearly she has no idea. Show her how much you get paid, put a spreadsheet and show her how much bills are and how much you have to put away for x, y and z. I see you go on holidays every year which is completely fine but say to her I need to put x amount away a month so that we can go on holiday. Ask her would she rather have this holiday and have all these memories from this holiday or a double bed?

Second, she needs to grow up. Just because the characters on PLL have double beds that doesn't mean that she needs to have that as well. You don't have the circumstances that you can just give her everything that she wants. You offered her the front room, she declined that was her chance. To be honest, I noticed you offered her the double room which I assume is your room, you shouldn't have done that purely because she's going in a strop about it, your the adult, she's the child end off. You have sciatica you deserve the room, you pay the rent/mortgage she doesn't so just because she isn't happy that you all don't have what her friends have that doesn't mean that you should suffer. People are in a lot worse situations than what she is, this isn't the end of the world for her.

If I was you I'd offer to decorate the bedroom make it neutral, make it feel like a little more like a 'grown up' room, organise the wardrobe so she gets say 75% and the young one gets 25% and keep the young child's stuff in your room. Cut out the sleep overs because once the little one is in the room she shouldn't have to leave her bedroom just because she wants to have a friend over. Tell her she isn't getting a hot tub just because her friends one, after showing the bills tell her I only have x amount of money to spend on you at Christmas and that won't cover the price of a hot tub. I'd seriously start thinking about making her do chores and giving her pocket money, if she wants to buy make up, books, toys, etc then that has to come out of her own money and then she'll realise how far that actually goes and obviously you buy her school stuff for her or clothes in general but if she has a party to go to and she wants a nice new fancy top because her friends will look amazing she should be the one who buys it. I'm not saying you've done wrong but quite frankly she seems spoiled. I think your going to have to start putting your foot down because she needs to learn the value of money now and she needs to learn just because her friends have something that doesn't automatically mean that she should get that as well.

OP, I think you should consider about the future though, if you can't put up with this instead of living day to day, I know you don't have the circumstances right now to get a new house but you should maybe think about moving, I'm not saying right now or in a year from now but have a plan. If you need to save up start doing it now, budget yourself don't go away and spend money on expensive costs and shoes because quite frankly that doesn't seem like you daughter is appreciating that as much as she would all these other things she's harping on about.

Sorry to be so blunt. I really do apologise, I feel bad when people are saying about you having a second child but why shouldn't you have a second child?! I read your comment about how it's not like you have 6 living in a 3 bedroom but even if you did who cares?! You can have as many children as you want if you support them it has nothing to do with anyone else but your oldest needs to learn about the real world now because I'm sure it isn't easy for you being put under all of this stress.

Poppylizzyrose · 09/11/2018 01:04

Hey op! My little girl is due 5th December Grin

You’re so patient, I laughed when that poster literally said the same thing again!

Genuinely think they have the answer, don’t read and just post 😂😂

I spent ages going through baby bits tonight. How’s everything with you? Flowers

CarolsSecretCookieRecipe · 09/11/2018 07:26

Hi Pompom42,
The minute I read that you said your DD has been watching Pretty Little Liars I thought well that'll make her feel dissatisfied with her lot in life. My DD watched PLL religiously a couple of years back when she would've been 13 or so. And that was right when she was in the middle of the "why don't we have what so and so has" phase. I watched a lot of episodes of PLL with her, and by God, it made ME jealous! I know it's not real, but those girls' bedrooms are amazing. And I especially longed for Spencer's family's kitchen.

Anyway my DD has come out the other side and is a lot more reasonable now. But it was tough at the time, with her constant comparisons to what her friends have.
Re: sharing bedrooms, I shared with my brother but only up to about age 4 I think. However my friend shared with her 2 sisters; so 3 single beds in a room, arranged in an L shape. They only used the room for sleeping, not hanging out as such. All girls have grown up to be close.

Pompom42 · 09/11/2018 09:41

BeHappy2

I'm not going to give her 75% of wardrobe space and 25% to 3 year old. It's half each and she has to understand that. I'm not going to put all the LO stuff in my bedroom as there isn't the room. It's a single room.
I said in my post it's been decorated 2 years ago. Aside from the bunk beds it's not a child's room overly. They have grey carpet and silver curtains with Pom Poms which were especially made, a free standing mirror with storage inside where she stores jewellery & make up and a large tv on the wall and a silver ornate chair that's seats two.
It's not overly child like and is def a grown up room, it was all chosen between us.

OP posts:
Pompom42 · 09/11/2018 09:45

BeHappy2

I'm not going to cut out the sleepovers as this will make her miserable, as said in all previous posts the 3 year old is in with me atm so it hasn't been a problem so far.
We will carry on as we are for now, I'm still going to buy her a coat and shoes as I don't need to save money for another house. Their room is very large it is not small at all and the house is very modern at only 15 years old. I have been given this house and am not about to move or think about moving atm.
Thanks for your comments though and for taking the time to post

OP posts:
Pompom42 · 09/11/2018 09:48

CarolsSecretCookieRecipe

I've never seen the programme perhaps I should secretly watch one episode to see what I'm up against haha
Thanks for your post it's nice to read about children that shared and it turned out well.

OP posts:
Pompom42 · 09/11/2018 09:55

Poppylizzyrose

I know so funny, I suppose unless they saw this house and saw this life they really don't know. They all think it's the size of a matchbox and cluttered from floor to ceiling and full of clothes and shoes and toys. Haha

5th December oh that's a nice time to have a baby I think, my youngest is January 3rd which isn't great haha straight after Xmas.

I'm going to put my lo cot up for sale today to make more space in my room as I've still got it. If it doesn't sell I'll give it away.
I'm also going to order some advent calendars for the girls today before they all sell out.

OP posts:
TimeToRevolutionize · 09/11/2018 10:04

She's very lucky she has a room to be honest! I lived in a one bedroom flat with my Dad. I was sleeping in the living room on a sofa bed and he was sleeping in the bedroom. I did get envious of people who had their own bedrooms but to be honest, now I think back and realise that it is not that much of a deal. She will learn one day! I was exactly like her at 13. She just wants her own space.

Pompom42 · 09/11/2018 10:14

TimeToRevolutionise

How long did the situation stay like that?
Did you have friends stay over at all?

OP posts:
Witchofwisteria · 10/11/2018 08:07

So basically after all that advice, OP is still going to carry on as she is. Unfortunately it's a head in the sand reaction to say that you're not thinking of the future ie: 15 year old in with a 5 year old, 17 year old in with a 7 year old. You will end up pushing her out because she will just permanently be at friends/boyfriends houses.

What about when your youngest is 7 and wants a sleepover too? Is your 17 year old expected to sleep on the sofa?

Sounds like you have a lot of very expensive stuff, custom made curtains, custom made bunk beds, holidays abroad, large TV in DD room, days out etc... I'm sure if you cut this spending of "making memories" you will make more pleasant memories for both your children by them having a room each.

Of course you are welcome to keep saying "tough shit" but just be prepared to deal with a moany teenager!

Thomasinaa · 10/11/2018 09:39

Our family had a bad housing situation for a couple of years. Mum and 2 dds had to share a not very big bedroom, and the rest of the flat was tiny. Dd1 was 13 at the time. I don't remember her complaining once. Both girls have happy memories of that time. This kind of thing doesn't have to be made into a big deal.

Booie09 · 10/11/2018 10:27

Witchofwisteria Maybe OP can't afford to move! We don't know her financial circumstances. Nothing wrong with spending money on nice things. It's just a sad state of the world where children think they are entitled to whatever takes their fancy.

pretzelflipzaretheanswer · 11/11/2018 21:22

I don't think she's being a spoilt teenager, no. I can understand why she'd feel a bit resentful about it, but it is what it is I suppose. She certainly won't be the only one.

If there really is no solution, I.e, splitting their room, you sleeping in the living room (not very practical) then maybe you'll just have to try and hit home the 'she's lucky to have a roof over her head' message. Not in an aggressive way, but I remember when my parents were really struggling financially, we had budget food and the other kids would make fun of my lunch box, full of Tesco blue and white stripey range and one day she showed me a documentary of real famine and that quickly knocked me back down to earth.

MrsJonSno · 11/11/2018 22:05

I have two girls with the same age gap. My 15 year old and 5 year old would hate sharing. Little girls touch everything and will mess up art work, makeup, fiddle with precious things, scribble in books etc.

If I were you and assuming as you say “I have then single room” that you are a single parent then I would offer the elder child the single room and I’d share the bigger room with the youngest. I’ve actually done this before for 1.5 years when it wasn’t just me and my eldest and we rented a one bed flat. She was 4 and it was fab! :)

TimeToRevolutionize · 14/11/2018 05:37

@Pompom42

It was like that for 6 years! I moved out when I was 19. No, I didn't have any friends stay over. At the time, I was embarrassed to invite anyone over because I didn't have my own bedroom. The only person who did come over was my very close best friend (and she still is).

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