To think daughter is ungrateful/expects too much

[Pompom42]

Have a teenage daughter she's 13.
She currently shares a bedroom with her younger sister. The younger sister is 3 but isn't really sleeping in there atm she still sleeps in my room with me.
We have a 2 bed bungalow which is not tiny but not large either. But we are all on the one floor so I appreciate we do get in each other's way at times.
Just recently she keeps saying to me "wish I didn't have to share a room with my sister".
Whilst it isn't ideal as I said youngest isn't sleeping in there. It's a nice room and was all decorated and new beds etc 2 years ago.
Now she's started saying "this house is tiny, when can we move?"
"All my friends houses are bigger, this house is really really tiny compared to theres"
I've said to her tonight I can't afford anything else. We live in a naice area and at the time it was this house or nothing. We have a drive and a garden and it's in a pretty village.
For some reason it's made me feel really upset. AIBU in thinking she's spoilt? Or is this normal teenage behaviour?
What about years ago when you had families of 6 children all living in a 3 bed house.
What can I say to her?

YANBU. And to other posters, sharing a room is still what many children do. You need to explain to her she is lucky to live in a lovely area, in a house, close to her friends. Downside is sharing a room. Have you considered buying a screen or putting up a partition wall to split the room in two? Or even dividing with ikea floor to ceiling furniture. My friend did that and it was successful. TBH teens are just very hard to please. My 12 year old complained he couldn’t return the sleepover his friend had as our lounge is ‘tiny’ and can’t accomodate 5 boys in sleeping bags! We live in a 4 bed detached and previous to this statement from him I thought our kids were proud of our house (as I am). If turns out he is just in with a well-heeled crowd who all have massive 5/6 bedroom houses. Sometimes you just can’t win. It won’t do her any harm sharing. Don’t let it get you down.

Sounds like normal teenage behaviour to me. Is there anything you can do to make her room more 'hers'? Can you get a divider or let her choose some redecoration for her part? 13 is quite old to be sharing with a 3 year old tbh so I can understand that + teenage hormones making her a bit stroppy, but that 'all my friends have this' thing is pretty common - I remember doing that myself as a teenager about various things. Ear-piercing was one of them!

I can see her views, she is growing up and sharing with a toddler is not ideal. She may be thinking of the future too... she will be 16 sharing with a 6 year old and beyond.... I see where she is coming from.

This sounds entirely normal for her age and tbh I don't really blame her, I'd of hated it at that age too. But realistically what can you do? Can you give them the biggest room and split it?

To be honest at the age of 13 it must be awful sharing with a 3 year old. You want to be able to get some privacy some times. Could you just share a room with the toddler instead?

Maybe a curtain around her bed at least, with fairy lights or something? So she can make it her private space.

Old enough to talk to and discuss a solution which is feasible e.g. dividing room etc
You can acknowledge her feelings and help her understand .
Can you build a garden room so in future she has a teen space?

After 10+ years of her own room having to share must be a big shock tbh...

It is her age too, everything is unfair/could be better/money grows on trees!

I don’t think spoiled or ungrateful. She’s just comparing her space to that of her friends and doesn’t fully understand why she can’t have the same. And to be fair, I doubt a young teen cares very much for a “naice” area, a driveway and a garden. She just needs a bit of a gentle explanation of why moving house isn’t an option, that there isn’t the money. And perhaps the two of you could discuss how you could make the room feel less shared and more private.

Thing is the 3 year old is hardly ever in the room. There's no toys etc in there.
13 year old home from school 4pm we have dinner 5.30 and 3 year old in bed by 6.30/7
She has plenty of space to do homework and she has super large tv on the wall and we have Sky and Netflix.
We also have nice holidays we went to Spain and Butlins and a short break at a theme park and hotel and a Haven caravan holiday this year, some of her friends don't have holidays as they can't afford it. I tried to explain this to her earlier.

I don’t think she is spoiled. It’s a shame for her, as it’s nice to have your own space as a teenager. However, relatively speaking it’s obviously not the end of the world, so I’d not take it personally and worry about it too much but I’d also not get annoyed with your daughter.

If you have no other option then she will just have to suck it up. Lots of other children live in far worse!

But - I have the same age gap between my dc and there’s no way they would share happily. Teenagers do really love their own space, they need privacy and time to be on their own. My 15 year old shared with her 5 year old sibling for 3 nights while a room was being decorated and the eldest was ready to throttle the youngest by the end of the first night....!

Thanks iamyourequal

They do have the biggest bedroom out of the 2. I'm in a single room there's is a large double

Second the sofa-bed-in-living-room suggestion. 'Paying all the bills' doesn't, IMO, give priority over reasonable needs, and children have more of a need of separate space than adults (as for children that is really their only space; adults have the rest of the house).

I can see where she’s coming from but YANBU

In the family who lived in my parents’ cottage before they bought it in the late 50s there were two parents, seven children and two bedrooms!

Speaking as someone who shared a room with 2 little brothers until I was 15, I think that around 13 ish is an age where I certainly became very aware that other friends set ups were different. Maybe if there's any way of dividing the room look at that and maybe if she has a lockable desk or something (something that used to drive me nuts was my brothers getting into my "stuff"). At the end of the day though I understood we couldn't afford more and it's done me no harm whatsoever!

As far as the size of the house goes I’ve had similar with my eldest who is only slightly younger than yours. I told her the trade off for living in a nicer area where her friends live is that our flat isn’t very big/is a bit shabby compared to other places round here but is perfectly ok for us to live in. She gets it. Yours will too but I do understand why she’s less than thrilled at having to share a room with her much younger sister. Yes, she doesn’t sleep in there right now but presumably she will at some point.

Thing is, she isn't aware of what it is like to live 14 to one room in a developing country or refugee camp. She isn't aware of what it was like 60years ago when you all shared with 4 siblings. All she has as 'comparison' is what her friends have. So - being only 13 and having no idea of the price differential of houses, and the differences in people income etc., she - quite naturally - wants what her friends have.

Yes, I coped fine with no central heating when I was a child, but I wouldn't want to live like that now, because I know it is nicer to have a house with radiators that come on before I get up in the Winter.

So yes, YABU to think she is ungrateful / expects too much. Sharing with a 3 yr old, especially.

I can understand why she might be complaining but lots of kids share. Our neices aged 14 and 8 share, there's not really a lot you can do.

Does the bungalow have a garage you could attach/convert?? Would this be affordable?

Ask your eldest dd if she would rather have a bedroom of her own than all the holidays etc you go on (maybe you could save the money towards a larger place)?

What's going to happen when they ARE actually sharing op? When do you plan to move the toddler into her own room? At that point I imagine toddler will want her toys in the room and to play in there? Do you own the house? Is there convertible space in the loft?

And tell her the truth

"this house is tiny, when can we move?"

. I hear you but we cannot move until I get an inheritance/ get promoted / the end of Brexit/ .....it just isn't possible. How can we make this work?

"All my friends houses are bigger, this house is really really tiny compared to theres"

• You may be right
• Life isn't always fair or equal.

Then arrange for her to visit friends or charities that help people with other challenges /smaller houses/ disabilities/illness

Help her realize what she does have...

She is just blowing off some steam. I remember being unbelievably angry about little things at that age.

Yes it would be lovely if she had her own room. And it will be awkward for her not having her own space, 16 and 6 will also be fun!

But that’s life. Explain to her extensions, loft conversions and bigger houses cost money. If she has friends round keep little sis out of the bedroom, compromise where you can, and tell her to suck the rest up.

SHe will find plenty to get indelicately angry about. I was raging - raging - that I wasn’t allowed a tv in my bedroom. I have never felt such intense hatred and anger - oh the injustice!!!!!

“it was only a suggestion ffs”

Vodka I thought the same about your comment. I realise it’s a common way of speaking/writing, but when you say “do you not have XYZ?” you come across as much snottier than if you said “do you have XYZ?”