To think daughter is ungrateful/expects too much

[Pompom42]

Have a teenage daughter she's 13.
She currently shares a bedroom with her younger sister. The younger sister is 3 but isn't really sleeping in there atm she still sleeps in my room with me.
We have a 2 bed bungalow which is not tiny but not large either. But we are all on the one floor so I appreciate we do get in each other's way at times.
Just recently she keeps saying to me "wish I didn't have to share a room with my sister".
Whilst it isn't ideal as I said youngest isn't sleeping in there. It's a nice room and was all decorated and new beds etc 2 years ago.
Now she's started saying "this house is tiny, when can we move?"
"All my friends houses are bigger, this house is really really tiny compared to theres"
I've said to her tonight I can't afford anything else. We live in a naice area and at the time it was this house or nothing. We have a drive and a garden and it's in a pretty village.
For some reason it's made me feel really upset. AIBU in thinking she's spoilt? Or is this normal teenage behaviour?
What about years ago when you had families of 6 children all living in a 3 bed house.
What can I say to her?

Being 13 is hard and ideally you would want to have your own room at that age. But your not in a position to give her that. So it is what it is.
It’s not relevant to your situation I know, but right now there are children going to school hungry and homeless families living in one bedroom temporary accommodation in this very county who would kill for a 2 bed bungalow in a lovey area. I think we’re venue entitled in this western world.
You have done well to keep a roof over your girls head. Head up mama

She does seem ungrateful tbh. I know times have changed, but lots of siblings still share rooms. She needs to learn to be grateful for what she has. I get she is a teenager so envious of her friends, she need to learn that is life, it sounds like she has lots more some teenager.

Tell her when she is 18 she can have a huge bedroom to herself, in her own home.

Give her the option- your small room by herself or the big room with her sister.

This is what I would do, at the minute she has no control over the situation. This way she is the one making the choice. A small room to herself or a larger room with her sister.

As time goes on her sister will be in the room with her more often. Just at the time when your eldest will want to be studying, having friends over and maybe even sleepovers. It's not really doable with a 6 year old in the same room.

They get worse

My DD (16) was complaining about wardrobe space and wanted a rail. I said "No" , there's no room, they get dusty and untidy (and I was too tight to buy one)

I found myself agreeing to a wardrobe swap (mine was a 3 door , hers was 2 door) She has far more clothes than me anyway .

By that evening Madam had wrestled the wardrobes into the other rooms ( DH helped)

Sometimes you just need to compromise with them. Even if its against your better judgement .

I grew up in this exact scenario, sister 9 years younger, a small house in a ‘naice area’ and holidays once a year.

Honestly? I still resent it and don’t have a good relationship with my parents. It may be spoilt and ridiculous but I felt like they hadn’t thought it through and sharing when I was 18 and my sister was 9 was embarrassing and difficult. It meant I spent my entire teenage years feeling resentful and overlooked.

I moved out as soon as I could and now rarely visit. I would have traded anything (holidays, moving to a worse area) to not have to share.

I realise this doesn’t help, but wanted to put across the view of someone now grown up who has lived this. (I do however have a good relationship with my sister!)

It appears that most posters expect every child to have their own room because they 'need' privacy. While that would be nice, it's not necessary and shouldn't be expected. I grew up in a bog standard 3 bed semi and I shared with both of my sisters. My brothers shared the small room. Not ideal, cramped, messy, caused lots of arguments, but we never complained or expected anything different. It sounds as though you have a lovely home in a good area, and your 13 year old should appreciate that.

"Trips out/holidays and weekend breaks - personally I would cut these right back in order to get a bigger house."

It s an option but these are what she will remember if they are happy family times. You could explain to her.
No more holidays
No more trips
No more meals out

Or just say you prefer to spend time with her doing these nice activities than cutting back for sake of large house. When she is older she can choose what is more important

There is nothing wrong with two sister sharing, the age gap is unfortunate but I fail to see how a child has a greater need for personal space than an adult. Bloody ridiculous.

^^This.

If you are single, would it be an option to offer to swap rooms - e.g. You share the bigger room with your younger DD and your elder DD has the smaller room?

You can always swap again if circumstances change and/or when your older DD moves out

It appears that most posters expect every child to have their own room because they 'need' privacy.

Whilst privacy is nice, I think the reason most people on here are saying the daughter should have her own room is the huge age gap. Siblings sharing at 11 and 13 is very different to a 3 year old and a teenager.

Also is your DD an introvert? If so I imagine sharing a room at all let alone with a three year old who I imagine chats a lot would be really hard.

No she's not ungrateful. She's 13 and doesn't want to share with a 3 year old, no matter if toys aren't in there or she isn't sleeping in there at the moment, let's face it, sometime fairly soon she will be moving into sleeping in there, as your 13 year old is getting even older.

As a teenager I would have preferred my own bedroom to a drive, garden and 5 holidays a year.

I shared with 3 sisters. I had my own room at 21. I know it was the 80s. I still have many mostly great memories.
It wasn't ideal but I never resented my parents or siblings.

Put her in a tent in the garden

To begin with my youngest two (son & daughter) shared because they were close in age. My eldest daughter couldn't wait for her sister to share her room. Once she did, the novelty wore off after a few days 😉There is a 7 year gap between them, they still share (although eldest is away at Uni). Yes they had/have squabbles, but I truly believe learning to compromise and settle disputes are valuable skills to have. My eldest at 13/14 was also very conscious/ envious of her friends having larger houses, newer cars, fancy holidays, but it was an excellent opportunity for her learn that no matter how well you do, there will always be someone better off (and worse off) and that appearances can be deceiving. The big houses often hid unhappy parents, or parents whose careers came before kids etc.

Any double room can be divided quite cheaply - look into screens and sofabeds.

For everyone out there who's thinking sharing is old-fashioned, sharpen up; as homes get ever tinier, the bad old days are coming back. And some.

Have you not got a dinning room that you can use for a bedroom?

DD hasn’t the maturity yet to see that she is lucky to live somewhere nice and that for millions of people her living conditions would be unimaginably luxurious. In time she will hopefully come to appreciate how lucky she was. All she can see now is what her friends have that she doesn’t whIch is entirely normal at her age. I remember thinking the same thing about my DD in her teens. As an adult she ‘gets it’ but at the time it was still galling and upsetting. Try to remember she is still only a child and it will take her time to get some perspective in life.

A loft room would probably be much cheaper than moving.

Having Velux windows in it would be far cheaper than having a dormer built (although a dormer makes for a nicer room).

What was the plan if the second child had been a boy?

Someone else suggested converting the loft. That would be a very good idea. There are some two bed bungalows around the corner to me that have another room built on upstairs, with shower and toilet. They look good too.

There's nothing like having your own space, I totally understand how your teenage daughter feels.

I don't get the 'ungrateful' bit, how is someone ungrateful for not wanting to share a bedroom with a toddler?

I'd say it's fairly normal for teenagers to be rude. Can you get room dividers so at least she's got her own section?
Any chance of converting the attic?

Yes that's a good point Gemme! You must have had a plan for that? Can you not just use that for your daughter?

dh shared with a sibling 14 years younger than him and his other brother shared with a sibling with the same gap. They all survived and never complained about sharing. I know loads of people whose first experience of a room of their own is when they were widowed (my mother was one of them - she shared a room with 3 sisters until she married and then with my dad for 50 years).

It isn't ideal for your dd but then life isn't ideal is it?

Giving her the space and privacy to sleep on her own is a great compromise.

I think the idea of the parent sleeping on the sofa and having no room at all so a 3 year old and a 13 year old can stretch out in their own space is almost more depressing than it is ridiculous.