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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think daughter is ungrateful/expects too much

865 replies

Pompom42 · 04/11/2018 20:19

Have a teenage daughter she's 13.
She currently shares a bedroom with her younger sister. The younger sister is 3 but isn't really sleeping in there atm she still sleeps in my room with me.
We have a 2 bed bungalow which is not tiny but not large either. But we are all on the one floor so I appreciate we do get in each other's way at times.
Just recently she keeps saying to me "wish I didn't have to share a room with my sister".
Whilst it isn't ideal as I said youngest isn't sleeping in there. It's a nice room and was all decorated and new beds etc 2 years ago.
Now she's started saying "this house is tiny, when can we move?"
"All my friends houses are bigger, this house is really really tiny compared to theres"
I've said to her tonight I can't afford anything else. We live in a naice area and at the time it was this house or nothing. We have a drive and a garden and it's in a pretty village.
For some reason it's made me feel really upset. AIBU in thinking she's spoilt? Or is this normal teenage behaviour?
What about years ago when you had families of 6 children all living in a 3 bed house.
What can I say to her?

OP posts:
LuluJakey1 · 04/11/2018 20:48

Could she have the small single room to herself ?

Desmondo2016 · 04/11/2018 20:48

Surely if the 3 year old sleeps with you and there's no toys in the bedroom then actually she does have her own room, she just stores her siblings clothes in it?

anniehm · 04/11/2018 20:48

It's not ideal but it's reality for many families, in fact too many have one room for everyone especially in London.

At 13 they have some concept of money but unrealistic expectations of how it can be stretched. I would simply be honest but not worry.

TimeToGoToSleep · 04/11/2018 20:48

Could you share with the younger child for a few years? My 6 year old DS loves sleeping in my bed everynight and shows no signs of moving.

BeautifulPossibilities · 04/11/2018 20:48

Give her the option- your small room by herself or the big room with her sister. Ffs- you own the house, pay the bills, do all the adulting, etc. She's being a madam and it's totally normal 13 year old behaviour. If she complains she gets downsized!

Redgreencoverplant · 04/11/2018 20:48

It is what it is and she will have to accept that but I do feel for her. I know her sister doesn't yet sleep in there but she will soon I'm guessing. Also your daughter will know that it isn't just her room and she doesn't have privacy. What about bringing friends home? As a teenager we all hung out in each others' bedrooms gossiping and chatting about boys. That would have been impossible with a 3 year old popping in and out.

Rachelover40 · 04/11/2018 20:49

It's not nice for a thirteen year old to share a room with a 3 year old (even if the little one doesn't sleep there much). Your eldest daughter doesn't have much privacy if her sister's stuff is in there, eg do people knock before entering? I know I'd have hated it.

Pity you can't build a bit on at the back and make another small bedroom, preferably with en suite.

I know it's difficult but you have to see it from your teen's pov.

(What is 'naice' btw or was that a typo?)

Findingdotty · 04/11/2018 20:49

It's normal teenage behaviour. She doesn't sound spoilt maybe a bit frustrated.

Is their bedroom big enough to spilt it with a room divider/screen to give her a little more privacy. It's normal to want privacy at her age but life circumstances are what they are so she will have to just accept this.

cestlavielife · 04/11/2018 20:49

Or show her big houses for same price and where they are located. Would she really like to move and live there?
(If that would make a point..)

MotherWol · 04/11/2018 20:50

If they’re in the bigger room, you could swap so you and the toddler share the double room, and she has the single room to herself?

Josiebloggs · 04/11/2018 20:50

Can you convert the loft space, add a conservatory or have a shed or studio put up in the back garden? I know they are all quite expensive but would give your DD a space of her own. The actual sleeping in a bedroom probably isn't the problem and having a space to herself would likely help.

Creatureofthenight · 04/11/2018 20:51

Could you swap so that you and DD2 share the big room and DD1 has the small room to herself? Given that you said DD2 sleeps with you anyway it seems like a good solution.

AlexaAmbidextra · 04/11/2018 20:51

Sofa bed for you in the living room and a bedroom for each child?

Why on earth would any sane adult give up their own bed and bedroom in these circumstances? She’s a thirteen year old child for goodness sake. Maybe sharing isn’t ideal but she’s hardly being expected to sleep in the coal shed.

EdisonLightBulb · 04/11/2018 20:52

Good grief, no way on earth wound I sleep permanently on a sofa bed. They are about four foot wide at best and about as comfy as a park bench.

There is nothing wrong with two sister sharing, the age gap is unfortunate but I fail to see how a child has a greater need for personal space than an adult. Bloody ridiculous. On that basis a family of six with three bedrooms should put the parents where to enable each of their children personal apace? The kitchen ? The cellar? The downstairs loo?

The 13 year old has the room most of the time anyway.

RandomMess · 04/11/2018 20:52

I would give her the choice, small room to herself or share the large room,m! Current set up seems ridiculous.

She will moan regardless because that is teens for you!

alfagirl73 · 04/11/2018 20:53

I don't think she's unreasonable to be wanting more space etc... sharing with a 3 year old sibling isn't ideal. However, before labelling her a "spoilt teenager" give her an opportunity to fully appreciate/understand the situation.

Express to her that you do appreciate that more space would be nicer and that it is frustrating to see other people with more room etc... ie. empathise rather than just dismiss what she is saying. However, as a PP said, perhaps take time to show/explain about household expenditure, budgets etc... so she has a real understanding of what it costs to live in your house, what a bigger property would cost and what that would mean for her/you as a whole ie. losing out on other things, not being able to afford things she likes etc... (holidays etc) or simply that it cannot be done on your income/budget.

I don't think it's fair to just write her off as being selfish and spoilt etc... without giving her an opportunity to really understand the situation. While it might be tempting to tell her to just suck it up and be grateful, it's unlikely to get the best response. Talk to her like a young adult - not in a patronising way, but in a "I hear what you're saying, but this is why it's difficult..." way. You might be surprised. If after all that she continues to complain/be stroppy etc... then by all means point out how much others have it harder etc... and take a harder line, but give her the benefit of the doubt first.

Perhaps even involve her in coming up with a few ideas to make it a bit better for her? Discuss it together. At that age, while my parents ultimately had the final say, I always responded better to being involved in discussions/ideas/solutions etc... rather than just being dictated to or having my views/feelings dismissed.

allthegoodusernameshavegone · 04/11/2018 20:54

Well said crispy butty!
She’s just being a teenager, ignore the whinging.

vodkaredbullgirl · 04/11/2018 20:54

To the ppl who think my comment was snottie, im not im as common as muck.

cheesefield · 04/11/2018 20:55

Can you move her into the smaller room on her own, and you share the large room with the toddler?

At least she'd have some privacy even if it's a smaller space.

3luckystars · 04/11/2018 20:55

I would give her the single room too.

nokidshere · 04/11/2018 20:55

Given that the 3 yr old doesn't sleep in there and has her toys in the lounge my reply to her "it's not fair" would be "I know, but such is life". And I agree with showing her the household budget.

2128Cl · 04/11/2018 20:55

I would put a curtain up so she feels she has her own space! Or swap rooms so you and the toddler have the double and teenager has the single? I see it from both sides, I had to share as a teenager and hated it but if I ever have another child then I'll be in your situation with a big age gap and only 2 bedrooms.

Witchofwisteria · 04/11/2018 20:55

I don't think a 3 year old and a 13 year old should share a room. When do you plan on moving the 3 year old into the bedroom with your daughter, surely you cannot have her sleep in your room until your daughter moves out then it will be an 8 year old in with an 18 year old (assuming she goes to university)? Your older daughter will loose all claim over her room soon, she won't be able to have friends over after 8/9 as little sister will be asleep, can never get ready to go out at midnight as an 18 year old will want to do etc...

I think you need to get a sofa bed and let the 2 kids have a separate room when your 3 year old grows out of sleeping in your room.

Also you mentioned you go on trips out/holidays and weekend breaks - personally I would cut these right back in order to get a bigger house.

ToPlanZ · 04/11/2018 20:55

I'd point out to her how lucky she is to have somewhere to live, meals provided and a family around her. I'd make her watch some documentaries about how plenty of other people have to live, in shanty towns, in favellas etc. Plenty of kids share. I was in a dorm room. I didn't have my own room until I was 18. And no the other girls weren't always my age, as I got older I was put in a dorm with much much younger girls and was in charge of them and they weren't even siblings. It didn't kill me, it won't kill her. I'm not surprised you're upset, I would be. She's a very lucky girl and she could do with developing a sense of perspective abut the life that you've provided for her. I don't think some of the suggestions on here to give up your room are at all helpful. It's no wonder we're raising a generation of entitled kids when there is an attitude that the offspring's needs must be met before all others. It's like anything, if you're whole life was yachts. Michelin restaurants and the finest hotels, how much would you value those things? They wouldn't be in any way special. I value my own space now because it took time and effort to achieve it. It's just a life lesson she needs to learn and as she gets older and earns her own money and has her own kids I'm sure she will start to appreciate all you've done.

PersianCatLady · 04/11/2018 20:58

She has plenty of space to do homework and she has super large tv on the wall and we have Sky and Netflix.
We also have nice holidays we went to Spain and Butlins and a short break at a theme park and hotel and a Haven caravan holiday this year, some of her friends don't have holidays as they can't afford it. I tried to explain this to her earlier
It all depends on what is important to you though.

Some people might prefer to have more comfortable living arrangements all year round than spend money on holidays?

It all depends.

One thing for sure is that you can't have everything and it is good that you have tried to explain that to your DD.

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