To think daughter is ungrateful/expects too much

[Pompom42]

Have a teenage daughter she's 13.
She currently shares a bedroom with her younger sister. The younger sister is 3 but isn't really sleeping in there atm she still sleeps in my room with me.
We have a 2 bed bungalow which is not tiny but not large either. But we are all on the one floor so I appreciate we do get in each other's way at times.
Just recently she keeps saying to me "wish I didn't have to share a room with my sister".
Whilst it isn't ideal as I said youngest isn't sleeping in there. It's a nice room and was all decorated and new beds etc 2 years ago.
Now she's started saying "this house is tiny, when can we move?"
"All my friends houses are bigger, this house is really really tiny compared to theres"
I've said to her tonight I can't afford anything else. We live in a naice area and at the time it was this house or nothing. We have a drive and a garden and it's in a pretty village.
For some reason it's made me feel really upset. AIBU in thinking she's spoilt? Or is this normal teenage behaviour?
What about years ago when you had families of 6 children all living in a 3 bed house.
What can I say to her?

Delightful

I have been reading with interest.

I used to share a room with my 3 sisters. Needs must..4 single beds in a row. When one got married and moved out, we had one single bed and 2 bunk beds.

When that sister moved out, we had 2 single beds and continued sharing.

It's life.

I remember being 13 and thinking I was the bees knees and my parents were awful.

I did take umbrage when so called friends told me that another friend's home was much nicer than mine. That mine looked like a home. Yes there were 7 of us living in it! Compared to my friend's 2.4 point children perfect home.

Then I grew up and realised all that my parents had done for me all my life.

We couldn't afford holiday abroad. In fact I had one holiday with my parents in my entire life.

OP asked if her daughter was ungrateful and expects too much.

The short answer is yes. She is a teenager. This is how we all behaved. I never slagged off my parents or my parents home or the fact I had to share a room. We had no choice, it was the way we lived.

But there is nothing you can do about that. And don't start looking at room division and loft conversion and beds in sheds.

Sit your daughter down and talk to her. Explain how it all works. The cost of renting/mortgage, childcare, food, clothes etc

Ask if she wants to get a bit more involved. Maybe meal plan with you. Or be given a shopping budget and see how much shecan buy with it for meals for all three and friends etc.

She will grow out of it.

I am blessed. My 10 year old wants to know how long before he can start earning his own money.

Talk to your daughter. She cant help her behaviour. Social media, hormones, it all has an effect on her behaviour.

Pompom whatever you do you’re going to be wrong in your daughter’s eyes - often you can’t do right for doing wrong at that age. My daughter was difficult at 13, but she came out of it.... eventually. It just felt like forever.

Nena1

Are you all close now?
I'm imagining the 4 beds. Must have been a large room?

It sounds like they’re not really sharing, more that some of your younger dds things are stored in her room but that she wants a double bed and you don’t want to change it because you’ve just spent a fortune on the bunk beds. It’s a difficult one as they do lose value but if they are really good you might sell for quite a bit and get a double bed for next to nothing.
My dd 12 also wants a double bed and a lot of her friends do have them too, I’ve said I’ll get her one cheap from a Facebook selling page when one comes up.

Some of you have been horrible to tbe OP. We dont know her situation, or should expect her to explain. There are obviously good reasons why things are not viable.
Lots of children have had to share..i did it my whole childhood. There were 7 kids in total only one was male. Its just how it is if thats what is available thats what you do.
I mean would you let your child out till 2am because they moaned they werent allowed and other parents allowed it..No, my house my rules. Do not pander to it OP. Just explain the situation in simple terms. Everything costs money and sometimes we dont have it.

It was a semi detached house. 3 rooms. 2 double and one we called the box room. I think the rooms were slightly larger as not a terraced house. But they weren't humongous rooms.

No I fell out with my sisters a long time aho for various reasons.

@karrwomannghia

OP explained that her daughter takes ballet lessons and needs the floor space for practice. If she sold the bed and got a double bed, she would lose the floor space for practising.

Oh ok so what does dd say about that?

Op you don’t deserve the stick you’re getting! You are doing what you can to give your daughters the life they deserve! I can empathise with your 13 year old having been in that situation my self not so long ago. Having a sibling 10 years younger is tough especially when you feel crammed in to a smaller space. Here are a few things I came with for my mums house that might be worth considering we could never afford them though so I know that may be a barrier!

1. Can you put up a false wall in the big bedroom? My neighbors did this for her boy girl teenagers and it worked well for them your DD will have to compromise on space but will have her own room.

1. Extension this can be pricey but can you either take space from another room (my mums house has two alcoves where the hall ended between the living room and master bedroom. I always thought that could be made in to a box room or sorts. Or can you extend in to the loft in anyway? I know that is more costly but is it an option?

It’s really tough and I feel so guilty for how I acted as a teen I was basically your daughter I used to be embarrassed by my mums car and not being able to afford designer labels...but we lived in a great area I had everything I needed and wanted and went to an excellent school but I didn’t see it like that at 13. I can’t really say much to make you feel better but I completely understand the situation. It’s tough being a teenager.

My DD is 15 and has her own room, but like your 13 yo, OP, she's talking about having a double bed and all new furniture. She seems to think it will cost peanuts, and be done in a 60 minute makeover.

She thinks I'm slightly unreasonable for pointing out all the practical and financial aspects of why it's not happening. They all say things like "everyone else has this / does this / goes there" etc. I just ignore it most of the time. I'm doing the best I can by myself, and it sounds like you are too.

I'm sorry you got a pasting OP. You and your DD will find a solution. If not, just get Kevin McCloud and his mates round and you'll have a full height glass extension, along with a fully excavated basement with cinema room before you know it. Although having watched GD for years, you'll be living in a caravan through a hellish winter and probably pregnant again by the time it's done. Good luck. 

Why on earth does a child need a double bed? Makes no sense.

No I don't think she is being ungrateful or entitled. She is 13 and her sister is much younger. She wants her own space.

Is there anyway you could split the bedroom and make it into two?

Or could you split your bedroom and make a small bedroom area for your youngest if it's big enough, or you move in their room and split your old room?

I am not saying any of these are workable. Its just suggestions.

I can totally understand how you feel as your doing your best. I can see why your eldest daughter wants space too.

Pompom42 Mon 05-Nov-18 18:41:59
BarbaraofSeville

This is exactly right. I have a double bed In The single room and me and youngest DD both sleep in the double bed. As it's a single room there's a tiny slither of space to walk around the bed.
Eldest DD sleeps in the bunk bed in the double room. We all agreed on bunk beds because at the time the floor space was worthy to her as she practices ballet etc so it was the floor space that was more important.
For context eldest DD slept in my bed until she was around 10/11 even though she had her own room.
She said on Netflix program she watches Pretty Little Liars I think it is all the girls have double beds in their rooms.
I said it isn't possible and I can sell the bunk beds and put 2x single beds in there but she will lose the floor space. Same goes for double bed in there.
I offered her the single room on her own but she is scared of sleeping at front of the house alone as separating the rooms is a large hallways cupboard and a bathroom.
The 3 year old has all her underwear, clothes and shoes in the room but that's all.
So 1/2 wardrobe each plus 2 shelves of cupboard space.
Eldest has all the rest.
There's a space for her to do homework and we have friends for sleepover once a week or she goes to them.

Don't think there is an easy answer.

Shame they're not DS's. My two DGS's (6 and 12) have always shared and are quite happy to continue doing so even though they have spare rooms in the house.

I think the boys are more easy going. Everything is just "whatever"'

youngest will need her own room (it’s very weird and a bit emotionally stunting not to have one - or so my child development therapist best friend says)

Oh my God, the things said on this thread are getting more and more ridiculous.

Everyone in the world would like their own massive room with their own massive double bed and loads of floor space in the perfect neighborhood with a garden and a short commute and the perfect school nearby. In the real world, you have to weigh these things up and make compromises.

The OP's daughter is not an ungrateful brat, but needs to sit down and have a discussion with her Mum about how these things work in the real world--if she wants her own big bedroom, some significant compromises have to made, and she is not the only person in this house with needs.

I second what other posters have said about how it can be better for kids to do their homework and revision in places like the kitchen, especially in this age of distractions (phones, PCs, gaming devices). It is not necessarily a bad thing at all.

Well maybe this is a lesson for her....we don't always get what we want!! My brothers shared a room and there was a 9 year age gap! Older brother was allowed friends in young brother not!! They got on fine.

What is actually wrong with the current arrangement that you cant keep it going for 5 more years?

you will get there op.
this is simply the age where comparing to other comes really to the front of things.
try to not get angry at the way she is.shes a good/nice kid right?generally if you took away the age issue of being a teenager?
so try do other stuff.step away from that anger and anxt that enters the room because your always thinking bout it when you see her and vice versa.do other stuff.get having fun or doing nice stuff so being at home there isn't this focus on that.
just stop here right away."listen we.ve gone as far as we can.i don't want us to keep arguing.i love you and would give you the world.but this is all ican now.so lets just try and be happy in it ok.im not going to carry on arguing or feeling guilty for trying my best and it not seeming good enough for you.so lets get on.drop this and live the best we can.this conversation shall go no further.feel free to walk off and slam a few doors now"

One of my university flatmates had been sharing a room with her younger brother until she left home. She was 18 and he was around 9 or 10. They put up a partition to create some privacy but there was no spare bedroom. You can't give your children what you don't have. Your DD will learn to cope.

So it seems that as well as the 13 YO comparing with more affluent friends, she's also comparing with American TV shows.

It's always been the case that US TV houses are massive, even for families that are not well off, eg Roseanne - they have a large house, but the whole premise of the show is that they are a low income working class family.

I don't know how realistic US TV houses are compared to real life - obviously there's much more space there than there is here. Also larger houses allow space for larger furniture which just isn't practical in smaller UK houses.

Someone upthread suggested bars on the window if the 13 YO moved into the small room at the front of the house - is this a possibility? Internal grills may look nicer than external ones, but while they might be associated with high crime areas in the UK, they are totally normal in Mediterranean countries where people might keep their windows open a lot of the time to get air moving through the house.

BarbaraofSeville US houses are generally massive! I remember watching an episode of ‘Supernanny’ that was filmed in Vegas; mum worked in a grocery store, dad as a croupier (?) in a casino, so not banker/lawyer salaries. They had, I think three kids and their house was HUGE! Massive kitchen/diner, everyone had their own bedroom, there was a family room, playroom, garage and huge driveway. In large cities, it’s more like London but I have a friend living in Vegas and her house is similarly large .

The op has had a hard time because she’s described her dd as ungrateful etc when actually it’s not that outlandish to not want to share with a preschooler. The op has said she’s picked a nice area and foreign holidays - hardly a breadline issue.

Op comes across as a bit rude to be honest and just wants everyone to agree with her POV.

I’m just wondering if there will be a massive drip at some point.

Hi OP. I can’t believe some of the thingsI reading! Your house is as it is. Not everyone can afford larger houses for each person to have their own room. Having a bedroom, proper bed, close the door from noise of others doing other things when you want to sleep, if you’re ill, privacy to some extent from the living area etc are important aspects of a bedroom. People have been sharing bedrooms and lots of siblings have even shared beds in the past. You make due with what you have and you can afford. That’s a valuable lesson for all the family to experience.

Don’t go putting in a sofa bed in the living room. You need proper sleeping arrangements, in a bed, and you have a bedroom. If you don’t have a spare reception room to turn into a bedroom, don’t use the only reception room.

Your daughter needs to know that not everyone can afford the same things and that’s ok. You have a nice house, it’s your house and be proud of it. If, as the years go by, and you can afford to create a chalet bungalow or move, great but right now it is what it is and make do.

Let’s just hope your daughter doesn’t come home wondering why you don’t have a Land Rover, BMW, Mercedes or why she can’t have the latest designer gear because everyone else has it. She needs to learn you make do with what you have and can afford.

I shared a bedroom with my 10 year older sister growing up. I remember having to vacate the room when she had friends over as a teenager. Equally I have fond memories of crawling into her bed for a cuddle in the middle of the night, of waking up on Christmas morning, and of her reading to me. I’m sure she probably got annoyed by it but on my half I loved it. Maybe you could play it as how comforting and nice it would be for younger sister if she gets on well with her?