To think daughter is ungrateful/expects too much

[Pompom42]

Have a teenage daughter she's 13.
She currently shares a bedroom with her younger sister. The younger sister is 3 but isn't really sleeping in there atm she still sleeps in my room with me.
We have a 2 bed bungalow which is not tiny but not large either. But we are all on the one floor so I appreciate we do get in each other's way at times.
Just recently she keeps saying to me "wish I didn't have to share a room with my sister".
Whilst it isn't ideal as I said youngest isn't sleeping in there. It's a nice room and was all decorated and new beds etc 2 years ago.
Now she's started saying "this house is tiny, when can we move?"
"All my friends houses are bigger, this house is really really tiny compared to theres"
I've said to her tonight I can't afford anything else. We live in a naice area and at the time it was this house or nothing. We have a drive and a garden and it's in a pretty village.
For some reason it's made me feel really upset. AIBU in thinking she's spoilt? Or is this normal teenage behaviour?
What about years ago when you had families of 6 children all living in a 3 bed house.
What can I say to her?

MadMadaMim

What is it about the music studio that you don't like? I'm not allowed to make money?

lauramaywharton

I haven't said I can't afford to move.
I can't move atm.
They are both girls so your post is irrelevant.
Do you think I'm stupid? Of course I wouldn't have had a 2nd baby if I couldn't afford to. I can afford to, it's not like I have 6 children and I'm reliant on benefits and we are all crammed into a 3 bed. I would expect that kind of comment then

Poppylizzyrose

I'm not doing anything atm, it's not really an overnight thing. I've asked my daughter if she wants single room to herself she said no. She wants the double room with a double bed in it to herself.
Not all her friends have their own rooms but admittedly the age gap isn't as big.
She started to say today she doesn't think it's fair that we only have 1 bathroom either, so I think it's one of those things that she will not be satisfied whatever I do.
I'm not moving the 3 year olds clothes I'm leaving them where they are and the 3 year old will continue to sleep with me most probably until she starts school next September and I'll review it then.
I can't sleep on sofa as my sciatica really bad atm, it gets worse in the Winter for some reason.

BabySharkAteMyHamster

She had a high sleeper before with a tent over the top. There's no way she'd want to go back to that again.
She wants a "posh" bed one of those wooden ornate ones. You know the really fancy white wood or gold painted wood ones.

lauramaywharton

She has a sleepover once a week. I'm guessing you didn't read the thread properly.
I wouldn't not let her have a sleepover just because she has a younger sister.

Oldbutstillgotit

Funny she mentioned this today. Not an en suite as such but she doesn't think it's fair we only have 1 bathroom

As I’ve said before, you have most likely had all the practical suggestions you’re going to get. It’s up to you to pick what works best for your situation, or do nothing at all.
Clearly she’s just in that teenage phase. The rest is a red herring really. Just look for advice on dealing with teenagers generally.

IRTT.

OP, you have done absolutely nothing wrong. I feel you have also been unfairly treated on this thread. I’m another one who doesn’t believe a child will need adult therapy as a result of sharing a bedroom with a sibling.

I also have an August 13 year old DD and a 4 year old DD. We live alone after having left a huge house. Due to less tragic circumstances, but difficult ones. So don’t underestimate the impact of that on all of you... whatever it is, it’s clear to understand from what you haven’t wanted to say that you have passed a very difficult period.

In my situ, we have the 3rd bedroom but it never gets used as they either want to be together or in with me... We also have other 13 year olds over to stay... They are all very similar. Moaning about what they don’t have and comparing. Never ever looking at what they do have. In your DD’s case, a safe and loving home with her mum and sister, in a nice area (does matter) as well as travel experiences and activities such as Ballet.

I could write a bloody book about what I listen to from these girls I encounter (I include my own in this) I laugh it off now. I know she is safe, loved and provided for. It’s enough OP.

And to those questioning the second child over space. I can bet OP’s eldest will be far far more thankful for her sister, than having her ‘own’ bedroom, in 20 years time.

I live abroad, I know plenty of wealthy families whose children share rooms in city apartments. All very normal. Then take off travelling in the summer holidays. No care to kids having own rooms etc.

Ps. I’ve not allowed DD to watch pretty little liars after a friend commented on attitude of her DD after watching it. May also be something to consider after the double bed and en suite comments.

Monestasi

Thank you, I do feel as if I've been treated unfairly and a few posters have said. People saying I'm being rude just because I'm defending myself over their ridiculous accusations and I feel people are picking holes on what I'm spending and my priorities are wrong as I take my children on holiday and buy them coats.
Some posters even going as far to say why I had a second child and what if it were a boy.
I know what I'm doing and I can afford the children but the living arrangements are going to maybe be difficult.
We are a close family and do everything together we go to Peppa Pig world for the younger one and to Royal Ballet for older one etc
Before I had 3 year old I used to worry as used to think eldest would think the whole world revolved around her as she was an only child, when I had the baby I thought it gave her some perspective that it's not all about her anymore and there is a baby to think about too.
I think it's these programs she watches, she's only just started her periods and because it's an affluent area some of her friends are living seemingly better lives. This is not true of everyone though. Some of her friends do have to share a room.
I can't quite believe she's asking for a double bed and it's not just about the sharing situation but I think it's that programme pretty little liars. I've never seen it perhaps I should then I'll know what I'm up against

SingaporeSlinky

Yes I'm not doing anything about it atm. I will continue to share with 3 year old and go from there. I'm not moving the clothes and I'm not sleeping on sofa, the 3 year old wants to sleep with her mum so we will carry on for now.

pompom some of the comments have been harsh.

At least you have been supported by quite a few posters and given good ideas to think over. You offered the single but she didn’t take it so fair enough for now. Plus people saying it won’t work when she’s 16/18 who knows what will happen in that time anyway.

As long as you make sure she has space and explain things it should be fine, in the long term you’ve got lots of ideas now on what you can do.

Lot of helpful advice given in this thread which I think was kind.

pompom

I hear you totally. I relate a lot to how you are living, your priorities, and what you have said...

I also choose experiences and travel over certain things. My girls speak 3 languages and are aware of the wider world.. We don’t have the latest gadgets, but they are learning a musical instrument each. At Christmas it’s a few gifts as opposed to a huge pile... It’s how we live and how I feel MY children should be raised. I don’t judge people with different choices to my own.

And yes, I strongly feel these programmes such as PLL should be avoided.. My DD even adopts am American accent after watching a single film of this genre... It’s a form of toxic brainwashing. We have NF. But I now monitor what she watches... In fact I would prefer to watch a more grown up movie with her like a thriller - where we can have a discussion, than these made for teen shows that rot their minds.

Honestly though, you are doing great. Being close beats anything.

Poppylizzyrose

That's right lots of good advice. Which is what I came here for. I could be moved by the time she's 16, you just don't know. I try and live my life day by day but maybe I should be thinking about the future a bit more.
If anyone knew me here they would know that my life revolves around those girls and I try and do everything within my means to provide for them and make them happy.
I realise also that their happiness isn't just down solely to me.
On paper it seems very simple to others - why don't I just move, why don't I have an extension, loft conversion, halve the living room etc the short answer is I can't do any of those things.
Not right now anyway.
I'm surprised no one suggested I should just sleep in my car 😃

We haven’t started periods yet. I suspect that also contributes.

pompom, you can always sleep in your car.

Montestasi

Yes my eldest speaks 3 languages too. She's going to Japan next year with the school for 10 days as she's studying Japan, I'm sure some posters would think she shouldn't do that as she will have to share a room there! I believe in them making the most of every opportunity.
She remembers a lot of holidays and we look through the photos all the time.
Someone told me once when you get older you don't remember your day to day life, what you were doing this time last week or even what you were doing a year ago but certain things stick out in your mind like when we went to Florida and when she swam with the dolphins etc
I don't want her to remember "oh I had to share a room with my little sister and how horrendous it was" obviously .
I normally take life day by day but maybe I should think a bit more about the future.

Monestasi

Only just started periods, September I think so only 2 months ago

Monestasi

Studying Japanese I meant

I'm saying more when they get older like I said when the eldest is 18 are you still expecting her to share?... Maybe my mum spolit us kids but she always said she would of moved to a 4 bed rather then making us share are personal spaces even though all of the rooms in the house could of been split she didn't want that as that was are space and we shouldn't have to share or have a small bedroom because she decided she wanted a big baby gap. So my dad lost his garage and they spent a lot of money and we didn't have move. Carnt you have an extention/garage covert or go up. Also have you ever been in the same position as your daughter?

lauramaywharton

I didn't just decide I wanted a big baby gap. You're kind of insinuating by this that it's all my own fault.
Some people try and have problems conceiving you just don't know. Not saying that's what I did.
I can't have an extension, or loft conversion this has all been discussed further up the thread.
I don't have a garage to convert.
I haven't just had children now finding I can't afford them. You asked why I had a 2nd when I can't afford it.
She is only 13 you are talking about what will happen in 6 years time and expecting me to answer. I don't know what's happening next week yet so def don't know what's happening in 6 years.

OP is just taking each day as it comes and is happy with the constructive advice 🤷🏼‍♀️

Pretty much everything has been said by now, I’ve spent a lot of time reading it all with a cup of tea if you haven’t taken the time to wade through it all you can’t really respond with anything new or useful.

All I'm trying to say is put yourself in her shoes. I'm not trying to be mean but I think you just aren't thinking forward about this at all. Like I said I shared for a short time and remember having to creep in to my own room to go to sleep having to get my pj's on in the bathroom so I didn't have to wake him. Have him come in the room when I just wanted to be by myself. It was horrible and I was only 10 I felt like the only place I could be alone was sitting at my local park for some peace. Please stop taking my post like I'm being mean because I'm not im just sharing what I had to go through as a child of big age gaps sharing for my short period. And don't think she's spoilt for asking for her own again, she's just asking for something she used to have back.

Yeah but Laura op offered her the smaller room and she turned it down...op can consider everything that’s been said but the issue is sort of mute now. Her daughter has been given options, youngest clothes are stored in the room but she sleeps with op.

It’s sort of case closed now.

My daughter was in the same situation. Dd2 is 11 years younger than Dd1 and they shared a room. Like you, I had dd2 sleeping with me until she was 3, nearly 4. But from 4.5 they shared.
Dd1 went to university in Sept. She really appreciates having her little room and ensuite to herself and Dd2 really loves having the bedroom here to herself.
Neither of them have suffered from it and Dd1 was saying exactly the same things as yours, just a little older...16/7. For some reason all 4 of my kids seem to end up with rich mates, so I've listened to a lot of "So and so has a treehouse" yes... that's because they have a garden of over an acre with huge trees in it 
"So and so has a bedroom and a dressing room" lucky So and so! Sucks to be us then doesn't it?

Now the big ones are adults they all appreciate that the rest of the country isn't like our part of the Home Counties and that they had much, much more than so many of the friends they've made at university did when they were young.

Your DD won't be like it forever.

lauramaywharton

I'm guessing you don't have any children of your own?
She's not asking for something back she used to have as she's still got it now.
Look she slept with me until she was 10/11 totally her choice. She's slept in that room for 2 years and is sleeping in there right now by herself. 3 year old has never slept in there. I do currently store 3 year old clothes in there but 3 year old sleeps with me.
She's asking for a double bed also so it's not just the fact she doesn't want to share.
BTW it was mean when you said why did i have a 2nd child!