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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if you believe children need a mother and a father?

186 replies

continuallychargingmyphone · 04/11/2018 06:44

I’ve seen this view expressed several times on another thread and wondered about it.

I know many single parents who are doing a better job than couples for one thing and also does this mean that people are against gay people having children?

Just wondering.

OP posts:
Original poster
continuallychargingmyphone · 04/11/2018 10:54

Personally I think that children need good human role models.

OP posts:
Sowhatifidosnore · 04/11/2018 10:56

And for those saying a mum and dad in a middle class home have the best outcomes... not actually true. There are several very credible recent studies that say lesbian couples make the best parents... the kids are planned, usually by older parents, in a committed relationship, which makes them more emotionally and financially secure, and being raised in an environment where there's real equality between the parents. I know a lot of LGBT parents and ALL of them are aware of the need for good male and female roles models for their children. We make sure that our DC spent time with their pretty awesome grandfathers and Uncle for example.

PipGoesPop · 04/11/2018 10:59

Kids need at least one loving caring responsible adult in their household. Anything more is a bonus.

clowdyweewee · 04/11/2018 11:05

If a child can have a loving and consistent mother and father then that is the ideal in my opinion and what's ultimately the best for the child. Having said that, it doesn't mean single parents can't do an amazing job and give the child a loving home with everything they need. I'm saying this as a single parent for 7 years

Totally agree with this.

Cherries101 · 04/11/2018 11:12

I think kids need 2 loving parents and their sex (and relationship status) doesn’t matter. Yes some single and widowed parents are fucking amazing at raising kids but they do face a losing battle if the other parent is absent— in the UK at least, underachievement, entry into gangs, and crime centre around communities where it’s considered normal for men / women to leave entire families behind when they divorce, or for widowed parents to lose access to their inlaws families’ resources after the event.

RedneckStumpy · 04/11/2018 11:18

I would also say the love and support of 2 parents

Santaclarita · 04/11/2018 11:26

I believe some people just shouldnt have children to be honest. Some people are just obviously bad parents, like men or women who abandon their children and leave them with the other parent. Or the parents that actually kill their own child, like those young parents recently in Britain. They were a man and a woman.

It doesn't matter how the family is arranged. Man and woman, two men, two women, two women and a man, one woman, one man, step parents etc. If they are looking after the child properly, not abusing them, helping them with their problems etc, who cares who they are or how many there are? They are equally good parents.

Scientistic · 04/11/2018 11:32

You know what children need? A safe, loving, warm home where they are nurtured. It doesn’t really matter who provides that, whether it’s a single mum, a single dad, two parents of the same sex or opposite sexes. It really does not matter any further than that.

formerbabe · 04/11/2018 11:40

You know what children need? A safe, loving, warm home where they are nurtured. It doesn’t really matter who provides that, whether it’s a single mum, a single dad, two parents of the same sex or opposite sexes. It really does not matter any further than that.

That's a very fluffy, right on way of thinking. Well done you. Do you really think mothers are superfluous?

Curious2468 · 04/11/2018 11:51

Ive survived fine with just a mother but it has left me with abandonment issues and some hang ups. My mum was awesome and did a great job raising us on her own but I spent a lot of my life feeling like there must be something wrong with me to not have my dad around.

I do still think splitting from my dad was completely the right thing for my mum to do though.

Alaaya · 04/11/2018 12:17

That's a very fluffy, right on way of thinking. Well done you. Do you really think mothers are superfluous?

Could you actually be any more goady? And by the way, I was raised by my dad as a single parent because my mother died.

gamerwidow · 04/11/2018 12:21

Do you really think mothers are superfluous?
Depends on the mother. Mothers aren’t all brilliant parents just because they gave birth to a child. There are some wonderful mothers out there and some I wouldn’t trust to look after a dog.

mostdays · 04/11/2018 12:22

No. Children need a loving caregiver who they are securely attached to and who meets their needs. Whether that person is a mother or father or someone else is not important.

mostdays · 04/11/2018 12:24

That's a very fluffy, right on way of thinking. Well done you. Do you really think mothers are superfluous?

Do you really think a shit mother is better than a good caregiver who is not a mother?

formerbabe · 04/11/2018 12:24

Whether that person is a mother or father or someone else is not important

Did you have a mother and father? If you did then who are you to tell others that its not important if they have one?

formerbabe · 04/11/2018 12:27

Do you really think a shit mother is better than a good caregiver who is not a mother?

Obviously not. We are talking about ideals. A good caregiver is better than a shit mother but a loving caregiver is never going to be as good as a loving mother.

HeartshapedFox · 04/11/2018 12:30

A bit wider than the original post, but I’m sure I read somewhere that ideally a child needs 5 adults in their life who care about them and to spend time with.

Pissedoffdotcom · 04/11/2018 12:31

A child needs love, consistency & reliability. Doesn't matter if that comes from a mum/dad relationship, a sole mum, a sole dad, a mum/mum or a dad/dad relationship. Hell i know kids who live with grandparents who are doing better than they did with the stereotypical mum/dad parenting.

Family units have changed.

Jaxhog · 04/11/2018 12:32

A child needs a community of love and support, with good male and female role model and a stable family structure. Although this is more likely to happen in a male/female married relationship, there is no reason why it can't also happen with a single mother (or father), gay parents etc. It's just harder to do.

NelleB · 04/11/2018 12:34

Hello,
I had a wondeful childhood, I’ve recently given birth to my first child at 31. I’m in a professional job and own my own home with my partner.
This is not the picture that should be painted from the child who doesn’t have a father (no idea about him, no clue at all) and a mother with mental health issues who had two children, alone by 20. However, do to wonderful grandparents and their nurturing environment my sister and I flourished. Without them I don’t know where we would be, I also dread to think.
My mum is a lovely person when not attached to my family, however she was not a good mother and would often walk out of the family home due to her own issues. We see her as more as a weird big sister than a mother.
I think as long as child as a good, stable environment in which they are loved and cared for they will do well.

RoboJesus · 04/11/2018 12:38

Just 1 or more loving parent/s or guardian/s. The number, gender, or relation are irrelevant, just the love, care, and attention the child receives.

dontalltalkatonce · 04/11/2018 12:39

After reading of so many of the baby daddy sorry excuses women procreate with on here I'd say no, some are better off without such negative examples of a parent in their lives.

Youseethethingis · 04/11/2018 13:05

I am of the opinion that my mum and dad are absolutely wonderful, and as i get older it blows my mind how lucky i am to be their child. Birth really is a lottery, and not everyone gets good numbers like i did. For me, the family unit i had as a child is the ideal.

My OH has a DD with his ex, and they have not always seen eye to eye but if you were to see that beautiful girl flying into his arms when its Daddy time, you would know that they made the best decision for her to persevere and work it out. He is not a negotiable add on to her life. He is her Daddy, he belongs to her. It is not for her mother to decide he is not required. Their relationship is as unique and precious as the one she has with her mum.
Shit or abusive mums and dads can GTF though, and the sooner the better to minimise damage. I agree with PPs on that wholeheartedly. And to all the amazing single parents out there who are knocking their pans in day in day out to make sure their DC have the best they can provide, i salute you.Flowers

Alaaya · 04/11/2018 13:11

Did you have a mother and father? If you did then who are you to tell others that its not important if they have one?

OK. Fine then.

I didn't have a mother. And I have said before - I think it was a loss, and a gap in my life, but equally, I think my dad did an amazing job and his kids all turned out pretty well. Other families have their own struggles - I'd say that financial security makes it a load easier to raise kids and money isn't superfluous, for example, but that doesn't mean poor people shouldn't have children and don't make amazing parents with great families.

Ultimately, there are loads of factors that work towards giving kids a great upbringing. And the most important are love and security. Other stuff is a factor too but it pales into insignificance beside that.

hungryhippo90 · 04/11/2018 13:13

And I know I used the term “mother” and “father” but that stable rock that a child needs isn’t always a blood related family member.

My family aren’t fit to take care of dogs, my daughters father and his family are much the same, so if anything were to happen to me,
My daughter would be left with her stepfather (who has been a part of her life since she was 3) or my husbands parents should anything happen to both of us.

I can honestly say, that my mother in law would have nothing but my daughters best interests at heart, and she would be loved and supported more than anywhere except with me.