To ask if you believe children need a mother and a father?

[continuallychargingmyphone]

I’ve seen this view expressed several times on another thread and wondered about it.

I know many single parents who are doing a better job than couples for one thing and also does this mean that people are against gay people having children?

Just wondering.

I think having a loving mother and a father is the ideal situation for children to be brought up in.

I do find that those who disagree with this opinion are the ones who come from conventional homes....very easy for them to say when they haven't experienced not having a mum or dad.

However, that's not to say I think people shouldn't have children if they are single or gay...nor do I think couples should stay together if they're unhappy. I also think children can grow up happy and well adjusted in single parent families.

I don't think they need either a mother or father per say but I do think they need reliable positive male and female role models in their lives.

I think two parents is the ideal, purely from a practical perspective. But there are so many variables in this. If a child has one parents but a close extended family who can offer practical support then that's as good. And obviously, a child growing up in a dysfunctional two-parent relationship would be better off with just one.

/Fine if everyone who loves the child is on the same page parenting wise, in the same area and willing to contribute the same. If not, it’s tricky*

I know many married, het, cohabiting couples who are not on the same page parenting wise and not contributing the same.

And this “ children need a mother and a father ” is often used as a stick to beat mothers who have been widowed, abandoned or abused. Or to excuse the behaviour of dead beat dads.

So a bit victim blaming and judgemental.

I think they need more than one positive relationship with an adult.

But it doesn't need to be Mum and Dad. Could be Mum and Grandma, two Dads, ain't and uncle etc.

My parents divorced when i was very little i do believe my life would have been easier if i had two parents fully there. Financially i missed out, couldnt afford fresh food, got bullied in school for my scruffy clothes, stressed out mother with no patience left. Father remarried and my half sisters had it all including fancy long haul holidays

I really get irritated by people who say 'all children need is love' and it doesn't necessarily have to come from a mother and a father...I bet the vast majority of them have been brought up by a mum and dad. Who are they to say children don't need a mum and dad?

My eldest child would have been immeasurably better off if his Dad had continued to not give a fuck about him. However, he reappeared, won contact and spent years alienating DS from me. DS’ stepmom helped with that too.

DS is now a very, very troubled young man who lives with his father as he is too much of a threat to my younger children to be here full time.

For the time DS’ Dad wasn’t in the picture (his choice, which I didn’t argue with), DS was a happy, well adjusted, loved and well behaved little boy.

It depends on WHO the parents are and HOW they parent. Not their sex, biological link etc.

As a mother who was widowed when my two children were babies, I think there’s a lot of nonsense talked about the supposed damaging effects of single parenthood.
Several studies over the years have shown that it’s all down to poverty - if the single parent is living in reduced circumstances, then it impacts on the children. If she is economically active or well provided for, then the children are not st all disadvantaged with regard to their peer group.
My own two have survived nearly 27 years of fatherlessness, and are now both home-owning graduates with well paid jobs.

I think there is a sadness is knowing one or both the people that created you wasn't up to the job of loving and providing for you or that they were and died. Its hard to argue that's the ideal situation - only that life is like that and single parents can do a better job of providing for their child and making them feel loved than couples. So in the real world, that is ideal.

There are probably different feeling if you were specifically created to be raised by two gay dads or one single mum. Less sense that someone failed you but 'gave' the ingredients to you loving parent.

My mum passed away when I was three. He had a number of women through the years however I never had stable woman figure in my life. I felt that loss massively and really do think in an ideal world a mother and father figure raising a child is best

Of course life happens and being brought up by a loving single parent is better than being brought up by two shitty parents or having one who's abusive or negligent...however, surely the ideal is a loving mum and dad.

Yes, my DC might have been better off (in many ways) had their father been more like the man I believed he was, not the actual one who fucked my so-called friend.

My DDad died when I was a child. My DMum did a great job.

You don't always get to choose your circumstances, but DC can do well whatever life throws at the parents.

Not two mums former?

Ideally yes, but situations and people are often far from ideal so there is no blueprint for a perfect upbringing.

I really get irritated by people who say 'all children need is love' and it doesn't necessarily have to come from a mother and a father. I bet the vast majority of them have been brought up by a mum and dad. Who are they to say children don't need a mum and dad?

I grew up in foster care and believe very strongly that it doesn't have to be a Mother and a Father or a traditional home. I also believe very strongly that one single, great parent is better than two dysfunctional married parents.

My childhood was anything but traditional. It was anything but secure. It was anything but nurturing and loving. But I've made sure my now DC have love, nurture and security every day of their lives, and I've lived by my own sword, because although Ex and I split when DS1 was a baby, he has known nothing but love, security and happy parents since. His Step Parents love him as much as his Parents do. I don't believe in traditional families being best for children because, really, what's best for children is love and security, however that comes.

Personally and in an ideal world I think it’s better if they have both parents around, I think men and women parent differently and it’s usually beneficial for the children to have both.

That’s making the assumption both parents are ‘normal’ ie not abusive etc.

In a less than ideal world I think families come in all forms and as long as the child has a lot of love and contact with other caring adults they grow up fine.

I personally believe children need more than parents. Yes they need the unconditional love of their parent(s) but they also need love and attention from other adults be it extended family or family friends. Children need a community. Parents are not enough.

As a mother who was widowed when my two children were babies, I think there’s a lot of nonsense talked about the supposed damaging effects of single parenthood.
Several studies over the years have shown that it’s all down to poverty - if the single parent is living in reduced circumstances, then it impacts on the children. If she is economically active or well provided for, then the children are not st all disadvantaged with regard to their peer group.

This is awful and really brings home to me the lack of sympathy and help I received when my mother died when I was a child. We were pretty well off and financially comfortable. Therefore the fact I didn't have my mum was totally irrelevant and fine because we weren't dirt poor and had a nice house and went to a nice school.

I can tell you I was very much disadvantaged compared to my peers.

Money isn't everything.

They need adults who care about them and show up everyday for them. This could be a two parents, one parent, grandparents as long as the care is good and consistent. Imo it’s better to have just a single parent than a flaky NRP who picks up and drops the kids as they feel like it.

I am a Lp with no dad involvement because he was abusive.
We have a very close relationship I don’t think my Ds would have if there were. 2 parents living here . He finds role models from teachers , scouts, friends parents. Are there disadvantages of course.

2 parents invested in a child no matter what sex has to be positive.

My Ds is friends with a boy with 2 mums and just teaches him all families are different.

My point been having parents who care is what matters here as not all parents care

My mother died when I was young as well former and I hear you. But individual cases are individual cases. You had a mother you presumably loved and missed and were not supported in your grief. However socially it is true that education rather than poverty is what apparently makes the difference.

Need? - No
Nice to have - Yes

My bestie is super into child development -several fancy qualifications- she does lots of academic stuff relating to it and works with schools and healthcare...etc. It is ‘apparently’ a more stable and emotionally nurturing environment for children to grow up in a loving two parent home. However, it’s better to grow up in a one parent home than a non loving two parent one. If that makes sense.

Josiebloggs do you not feel you saw any secure relationships between other people growing up, giving you the desire to have that? I feel like relationships are all around us, relatives, neighbours, media and tv, our friends, their parents etc etc. Do you think you need to grow up with something specifically in your home for it to be defining for you?

I suppose other people could say the opposite - they didn't experience it and so they sought it out. It could also be said that those who don't experience terrible relationships at home would be more 'immune' from them (including a single parent). The opposite could also be said. We can spin it any way really. Our expectations for relationships come from what we experience in our own interactions. If our primary caregiver is kind, loving and respectful towards us then we develop to expect others to treat us this way too. How we perceive the relationships between other people seems to have a variety of outcomes.

My reply has already been done a number of times.

What a child needs is the unconditional love of a parent who will always put their long term wellbeing first (which is not the same as giving them everything they want).

What a parent needs is backup and support. One of the most common ways to achieve that is a partnership model of parenting within a commited heterosexual relationship but it's ridiculous to suggest that's the only or best way. Families come in all sorts of shapes and sizes. So long as the love is there, all is well.