To ask if you believe children need a mother and a father?

[continuallychargingmyphone]

I’ve seen this view expressed several times on another thread and wondered about it.

I know many single parents who are doing a better job than couples for one thing and also does this mean that people are against gay people having children?

Just wondering.

Clearly children don't need a mother and father beyond the point of conception. However, social services step in when basic needs are not being met, and that's at a very low point on the parenting capacity scale. You can be a pretty crap parent and still be meeting your child's most basic needs.

We don't live in a perfect world, nobody is a perfect human being, therefore none of us are perfect parents. We all do our best. Imvho, however, the ideal is being brought up by a wonderful mother and father in a secure, stable, loving home, with supportive relationships with wider family and in the community. Since vast numbers of people cannot provide the ideal, there are a great many acceptable alternatives. That doesn't stop the fact that many people still believe there is an ideal to aspire to (or beat themselves up with).

I was brought up by a mother and a father, both of whom were terrible parents. Children with loving family/ carers in their life are miles ahead of those with mothers and fathers who are toxic.

I don’t think so but our D.C. have two mums. They were dearly wanted, planned, and we thought long and hard about having them. What children need is unconditional love and stability and that can come in all sorts of forms.

The best is the enemy of good enough.

A child very rarely gets 'the best' of everything.

Good families can come in all shapes and sizes and it isn't helpful to judge against an 'ideal'.

Most children have a mum & a dad. They may not live in the same house or share a bed but that doesn’t prevent them co-parenting successfully.

As for non-traditional families, I honestly believe that any child who has a good, loving, pro-active, consistent & committed carer, regardless of who they are, will be fine.

I think ideally a child would have 2 parents but sadly it’s not always possible.

I am a single parent, my children are happier now their father doesn’t live here, they still have a dad but he doesn’t play a big part in their life, he sees them for a few hours every week but doesn’t get involved with school or hobbies. I do my best to raise them alone because that’s all I can do, they are both now teens and doing very well at school and are happy. They have lots of adults in their lives who care about them.

My mother did a wonderful job of raising us alone, but I would be lying if I said that my brothers and I haven’t been effected at times by the lack of a male role model in our lives.

Equally, now I am a mother and I see how my baby needs me, I think every baby needs a loving mother.

@joiningmum
I didn't have close hand experience of a loving non platonic relationship. I think seeing how that dynamic should work helps make better partner choices when the time comes. Its impossible to see the compromising, making choices together, love and trust from neighbours and films, you need to be around it every day to understand it.
Not having a father made me crave that stability for my children, unfortunately it wasn't to be. I'm also an only child though so I think that also hindered me in understanding close relationships.
I think its beneficial for children to closely witness a relationship between partners but that doesn't have to be male and female or even their parents, its not a necessity though.

Children with a loving mother and father, living in a middle class home will usually have the best outcomes.

Children with a loving mother and father, living in a middle class home will usually have the best outcomes

This is very, very true.

That's not to say that children with two loving middle class parents won't fuck up in life or that children in single parent families won't be able to do well but yep, a loving mum and dad and a middle class background and you are streets ahead already.

I disagree.

Middle class parents are what you need if you wish to be middle clsss. If you don’t, working class who love you are just fine.

Yes well, my father died when I was little, and I am sure I'm not alone in my frustration when reading threads like this. There are a lot of people out there who are bringing their kids up as a lone parent because they have been widowed. They don't need beating with the 'children need a mother and a father' stick.

Yes well, my father died when I was little, and I am sure I'm not alone in my frustration when reading threads like this. There are a lot of people out there who are bringing their kids up as a lone parent because they have been widowed. They don't need beating with the 'children need a mother and a father' stick

I don't think anyone's beating them with a stick over it. Life happens...you deal with what you're given. My mum died when I was a child...no one could have prevented that...it's no ones fault. But that's not to say it wouldn't have been better if she hadn't died and I'd had two parents.

Love isn’t always enough. You need to be parented properly too - in whatever form that takes, ideally with good role models of both sexes but ideal isn’t always possible.

But the issue there is your grief former

Of course it hurts to lose a beloved parent as a child. But if you have never had that then it is different.

Depends. I am a single parent. My kids dad not that involved but i think they believe they matter to him. I have a more honest relationship with my kids so they talk to me more than i ever felt i could to my married parents. I was always too embarrassed to express any need, opinion or vulnerability in front of them. They got angry with me if i called them out on it/ they still do.

So I think it is not the two parents under one roof or two, but the dynamic in the child's own home.

A lot of people cling to the belief that by splitting up, their children will be worse off because statistics say so.

What a goady post. Do you mean to offend single parents? Or families where a parent has passed away?

Don’t be ridiculous! I’m a single parent myself. That’s why I was surprised to see the views expressed.

The answer is so obviously no, that i dont see it as goady

Ideal yes, but not the be all and end all. I was a single mum to three and doing a better job than some couples I know. So I would say two good parents are better than one good parent. But one good parent is better than 2 bad parents.
I met my partner and now have a fourth child with him. He's not my eldest three's dad but he is that father figure in their lives and things are better than when it was just me as the load is lightened and I'm happier.

But people have expressed views that differ to that jung, hence my response.

I know OP. But some people need to delude themselves. My parents would be like that. They never attended to her our emotional needs but they are a bit judgy about families who split up. The crucial aspect of whether the dynamic at the centre of the family is functioning or unhealthy is not even something they properly understand. For them it is all about appearances because they are operating on such a buttoned up superficially pleasant level. Lot of people out there like that.

I wish my children's father hadn't died when they were young but we managed well on our own, I'm proud of myself and them (adults now). X-stepdad was a definite disadvantage to them. Entirely my fault for marrying him but I wish I'd been more confident about bringing up teenagers as a single woman - the two parent norm was a bad influence on us.

Sorry you lost the person who would have added to your lives.

It takes strength in your sense of self to withstand the two parent norm, which can if you're single feel like and ongoing reprimand. I feel it l3ss and less but it exists.

I was coming on to say that I think children need a strong male and female role model, they don’t both need to be the parents, if you see what I mean. But then I wonder if our gender roles weren’t so narrow, would having distinct female and male role models be so important?
I genuinely don’t know the answer.