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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if you believe children need a mother and a father?

186 replies

continuallychargingmyphone · 04/11/2018 06:44

I’ve seen this view expressed several times on another thread and wondered about it.

I know many single parents who are doing a better job than couples for one thing and also does this mean that people are against gay people having children?

Just wondering.

OP posts:
cherryca · 04/11/2018 07:56

Quality not quantity.

Idontbelieveinthemoon · 04/11/2018 07:59

Personally I’d struggle with co parenting a child with someone I wasn’t in a relationship with to be honest.

Ex and I split when DS1 was 5 months. It's not always been easy, it's not always been lovely, but we co-parent well, respect one another and as each of us has remarried, our spouses have become a positive part of DS1's life. I love Ex's DW, she's by far the loveliest StepMother I could have asked for for DS1.

I've never said it to DS1 but for me, there are four of us parents loving him, not two, and the very best thing Ex and I ever did was put aside all our he-said-she-said and find a way to be happy and kind to one another.

I don't believe a child needs a Mother and a Father to be happy and grow up to be great. I simply believe a child needs to know they're loved, cherished and nurtured, they need to be heard, they need to be secure, they need boundaries.

WhoWants2Know · 04/11/2018 08:01

Children need love, security, consistency. If they get that from two parents, great. But there are plenty of cases where a mother and father living together is actually detrimental to the children. In those cases, a single parent home or two single parent homes are better

ThatsWotSheSaid · 04/11/2018 08:03

quality not quantity
^ this

Mummyoflittledragon · 04/11/2018 08:06

sandgrown
I could say the same thing despite having both parents You really don’t know what goes on behind closed doors.

You had a loving mother. My friends mum put her arm around me once when we were watching tv. I wanted to stay there forever. My father was a workaholic and showed me snippets of love when he was around but that was it as I definitely didn’t get it from my mother or maternal grandmother.

Occasionally I had some from my paternal grandmother but my mother didn’t like her so I don’t remember seeing much of her. When we did she was preoccupied with her ill husband (grandfather, who had little relationship with me)and babysitting my much younger cousin so I was just part of the furniture.

I never knew what unconditional love felt like until I was a parent.

For me one loving single parent would have been very appealing.

Girlsnightin · 04/11/2018 08:06

You know what children need? A safe, loving, warm home where they are nurtured. It doesn’t really matter who provides that, whether it’s a single mum, a single dad, two parents of the same sex or opposite sexes. It really does not matter any further than that

^ This.

bumblebee39 · 04/11/2018 08:06

My ex used to use this constantly as a reason we couldn't break up even though he was abusive and horrible.

My kids are better off without him. In a perfect world they'd have a mum and dad. In this imperfect one they have a superhero mum who'll do anything to save them from their nasty Dad.

So sue me 🙄

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 04/11/2018 08:06

Ideally yes a child needs both- of course as in life nothing is perfect so a rubbish mother or father could risk being more detrimental to a child's life- however I dont overly subscribe to the "all a child needs in love" theory- children need lots of factors- one of which ideally is knowing both sides of where they came from.

Bluebell878275 · 04/11/2018 08:07

Idontbelieveinthemoon
That is lovely to read Flowers

Sidalee7 · 04/11/2018 08:09

My children have two parents who love them and protect them, financially support them and always want the best for them.

We just don't live in the same house.

As for the comment about being harder to coparent when you are not in a relationship- I actually think it's easier. All the day to day emotion and niggling is taken away.

I look at some of my friends who are the supposedly perfect two parents:two/three kids and think how dysfunctional and unhappy their family life seems.

Raven88 · 04/11/2018 08:09

A child needs a safe and loving home. I don't think they need a mother and a father for that.

Believeitornot · 04/11/2018 08:10

I think it’s best for children, but not at all costs. Ie if one or both parents are rubbish or there’s a risk to the child. If the relationship breaks down then the needs of the child must come first and arrangements altered.

Surely obvious.

The idea that children need both parents at all costs is a terrible one for example I know someone who’s dcs have contact with their father who has convictions for assaulting their mother and was abusive to his eldest. How the actual fuck did anyone deem that sensible I don’t know. Sounds like the father was put before the child.

I grew up with a single mother. She didn’t do a great job.

DramaticGoose · 04/11/2018 08:11

I don't think it can or should be generalized. All families are different and I think it's not really helpful to make sweeping statements like "all kids need both parents". It's not about family structure but about how each individual treats the others in the family unit and the love. It's about providing a safe and loving home for kids, if that's the traditional family unit or a single mum or dad or a gay couple, then so be it. It doesn't matter what the family unit is made up of, but how it operates. And that is different for all families.

londonrach · 04/11/2018 08:13

Ideally yes but as long as a child is loved, feed and kept warm it doesnt matter. Life isnt black and white. A child is better with just mum or just dad if the other person abuses them.

Tunnocks34 · 04/11/2018 08:13

No, I think a child needs love, kindness, food, a warm home, a positive role model. Whether that is from one parent, two parents or gay parents it makes no difference.

That said, my OH is from a single parent household and although he had a lovely up bringing with his mum, and wanted for nothing, he still ‘missed’ having a dad. And would have preferred to come from a two parent family. It’s something that is very important to him now.

Poloshot · 04/11/2018 08:14

Yes ideally, but it isn't always possible.

Alaaya · 04/11/2018 08:14

My mum died when I was little and I was mostly raised by my dad as a single parent. I did feel the loss of my mother acutely and still do, and there were times in adolescence in particular when my dad and I did struggle. I didn't have a female role model at all for a while (he did remarry eventually) and that did leave me a bit rootless.

Having said that, I have an amazing relationship with my dad, as do my sibs, and we all seem to have turned out pretty well - we are all stable, flourishing adults in great families of our own so clearly single parenting worked out OK and I'm sure having a loving and committed single dad was a lot better than having two neglectful parents.

Biancadelriosback · 04/11/2018 08:19

I believe children thrive with a great female role model and male role model. Whether that is mum and dad, or aunt and uncle, grandma and grandad, mum and a lovely neighbour, dad and a family friend etc. And not limited to just one of each either.

PortiaCastis · 04/11/2018 08:19

My dd didn't need her drunken abusive violent father, we managed ok on our own without the fear. I think everybody is different and you can't generalise people, in our case we we're much better off living without him

Oysterbabe · 04/11/2018 08:22

I think a father child relationship can be quite special and my children benefit hugely from it. That said, I think a loving relationship with multiple people, so maybe grandparents, can be just as good. With 2 small children I get wiped out sometimes and can't give them the attention they deserve. Having another person to share the load with is better for all of us.

Mummyoflittledragon · 04/11/2018 08:24

ifyouseeRita
I would wonder how good any person is as a parent if they think one parent or same sex parents aren’t enough. Rigidity of mind and beliefs arent good characteristics for a parent.

BertramKibbler · 04/11/2018 08:26
Hmm
Josiebloggs · 04/11/2018 08:29

As long as there is a loving, caring role model I dont think it matters. I also dont think it matters who this is as long as the child feels safe, secure and loved.
My mum raised me on her own and I like to think I am a decent, well rounded individual. I am also a single parent and I feel that some of the reasons for that is because I didn't see secure loving relationships and therefore did not seek one for myself.

PineapplePower · 04/11/2018 08:29

Two parents at least,but ideally more through extended family as was the norm through human history

Blanchedupetitpois · 04/11/2018 08:31

I think the best case scenario is two loving parents (gender irrelevant) but that there is no reason why one parent can’t provide the love and attention a child needs. Not all two parent families are providing the right care, and many one parent (or indeed, foster parent / grandparent / sibling parent / etc) families are providing the right care. So it’s hard to make sweeping generalisations.