To ask if you believe children need a mother and a father?

[continuallychargingmyphone]

I’ve seen this view expressed several times on another thread and wondered about it.

I know many single parents who are doing a better job than couples for one thing and also does this mean that people are against gay people having children?

Just wondering.

I don't think a child needs any specific number of parents. I think a single parent can do just as good a job of parenting as a couple.

However, I do think it's very tough to be that single parent, unless you have good support from a source other than your partner (eg your own parents).

I'm a single mother by choice and I do sometimes wish my daughter had someone who was as invested in her as I am.
However, the amount of relationships I see fail miserably and the awful consequences they cause for the children I'm glad it's only down to me.
She also has adoring, devoted grandparents, she's luckier than a lot of children.

I think it depends a lot on income for single parents, not just two parents love etc. I was fully loved my single mum and my grandparents (my dad died), I had a very happy upbringing (obviously excluding my dad dying) but my mum had good income and was university educated hence I got a lot of opportunities in life.

I went to primary school in a deprived area and many of those children were of low income single parents and had very few other good family figures in their life. A large majority of them went off the rails in their teenage years, and still do not have an easy life.

There are two aspects to what a parent is.

Firstly genetics, generally people like to know 'where they come from'. Knowing who your two biological parents are answers that question.

Secondly care-giving. This can be done by 1, 2 or more people and as long as those people aren't abusive or neglectful it does not matter if there is a biological link and what sex those people are.

don’t do as well as children from richer, stable homes with male and female role models

Actually the 'male and female role models' are not necessary, children brought up by gay couples on average do slightly better than those brought up by their two biological parents.

Men and women tend to respond differently to a child's needs - something a fair few people will deny, but it's in our biology.

As a woman, I am able to tap into their emotions a lot easier and I am much better at persuading my stubborn toddler to do things than my DH, whereas he is much better when it comes to dealing with some physical aspects of raising children.

Personality types play a role and ideally children should have two different types to raise them, whatever the gender. But yes, I believe that there are advantages to being raised by a man and a woman, especially for boys.

Does your child effectively have three parents then princess?

@continuallychargingmyphone

No, we've always been very clear about this, he has one mum and one dad. I'm currently single but wouldn't expect any future partner to be considered a parent. His dad is married and ds has a lovely relationship with dad's partner but he wouldn't say he has two dads.

I am raising my children in a fairly stereotypical nuclear family, and it wasn't until I became a patent that I realised just how unnatural and wrong that mum at home/dad at work, two devoted parents set-up felt.

I don't think that a mum and dad are enough - ideally, kids need to be raised in a close community/extended family with lots of adults pitching in and forming relationships with the children.

I think it's nice to know who your biological relatives are, so in that sense, I think it's good for kids to have a mother and father and to be close to their maternal and paternal family. But I don't think that that kind of biological link matters as much as having a network of loving, reliable caregivers across a wide age range who all get along and support each other. I wish that my kids had that, and I think that it's a Shane that it's so rare.

Children don’t think need 2 parents. Im fine with same sex parents. For men I imagine this is mainly via adoption and that’s a rigorous process. Why should I judge that?

A parental figure of each sex is optimal. But that could be say a lesbian couple with a boy and having a male friend involved and illustrate how men act and talk to the boy “man to man”. Not essential. Just optimal imo.

It’s good it works for you

Personally I’d struggle with co parenting a child with someone I wasn’t in a relationship with to be honest.

The ‘male role model’ can be difficult to find.

It’s interesting. I had a bad upbringing. I didn’t have one good parent, let alone two! But I have been working in a public sector role for many years now and have become close friends with many of my colleagues over that time. They come from a full range of backgrounds, from wealthy two parent family, private school etc. To someone who was abused. And everything in between. Actually the only long term difference I have seen is money. The ones from two parent families either had parental contributions or were able to live at home to save, enabling them to get mortgages. Those of us from other backgrounds are in social housing or renting. (That’s not to say it is always that way, just my observation on the people I know). Career wise we all do the same job, so no difference there. Relationship wise we’ve all had our ups and downs, most of my friends are single (and we’re in our 40s). Yes, they have had the support of their parents, but are now reaching an age where they are having to care for elderly parents whereas I don’t have that. So if you want my view on the long term outcome, I don’t think it makes a huge difference. One thing I will say is I am a lot more resilient than those from nurturing families as I needed to learn to take care of myself from a young age. But obviously of course I would have liked to have loving parents. Ultimately though, no I don’t think it makes any real difference.

I agree with Broomstick I also meant to say about the wider community. This is part of having rl role models on hand.

Personally I’d struggle with co parenting a child with someone I wasn’t in a relationship with to be honest.

I think all parenting brings it's positives and its challenges. I'm lucky that ds dad is an excellent dad, good guy and we're normally on the same page about things. We have our moments but then so do parents who are in a relationship.
I miss him when he's away from me but I deal with that because the trade off is that he has a very strong relationship with his dad.

continuallycharging
It’s not essential. This could even be a sympathetic teacher. My friend got the teacher to talk to her ds about his attitude at home. My (female) physiotherapist talked to my dd about something recently.

I think children need caring, happy involved parents. Sometimes that consists of a mum and dad, sometimes it’s a single parent and sometimes that’s 2 mums or 2 dads.

I’m a much better mum now than I ever was when I was with my children’s dad.

I had a loving mother who split from my father when I was little and I never saw him again. I had a disinterested stepfather but really envied my friends who had loving and supportive dads. Many years later I still feel I missed out on that relationship. People who have not been in that situation do not understand.

I agree with Cherry, & I also agree that it’s not going to be a popular view.
Of course there will always be children who have been raised in a single parent family who turn out fantastically & some children who are in a two parent family which is dysfunctional. But I believe in general terms that children do seem to be happier when they are raised in a stable, loving, two parent home. I’ve been in voluntary work for many, many years and it is quite shocking the number of young men who end up in care, on the streets etc & have no male role model in their lives.

No, children don't 'need' a mum and Dad.

But, I guess have a balance of two people bringing you up is helpful. Watching two people resolve arguments and work together is helpful. Having two perspectives on you is helpful. Having a balance of male and female views and interactions and role models is helpful.

If the mum is great and dad is great, I'd say that's optimum! If two parents of same gender are great, I'd say that's next to optimum (just lacks opportunity for different gnder roles and perspectives). If it's a great single parent, I'd say that's the next best! ( just lacks different gender perspectives/role models and two different perspectives and watching two people resolve conflict/work together etc).

I know some terrible parents where there is a 'mum and dad'. I know two fabulous mums who raise their son together in a loving, calm and supportive way. I'd far rather have been raised by the two mums than the neglectful mum and dad. I'd also rather be raised by a great single parent than a rubbish mum and dad.

I was raised by a single parent. She wasn't very good at raising me, but things were a hell of a lot worse when there was a 'dad/step dad/boyfriend' figure in the scene for multiple reasons.

I think having 2 parents rather than 1 is better for the parents if they have a good relationship and can share the responsibility. However a single parent is better than a household full of rows.
I also think that ideally it is best for a child to have a male and female role model. For the majority this will be Mum and Dad but it could be other family members or close friends.

Actually the 'male and female role models' are not necessary, children brought up by gay couples on average do slightly better than those brought up by their two biological parents
I'm calling bull on this one. The actual differences are more about society's acceptance of the roles as outside stresses will impact the family. whatweknow.inequality.cornell.edu/topics/lgbt-equality/what-does-the-scholarly-research-say-about-the-wellbeing-of-children-with-gay-or-lesbian-parents/
To answer OP I don't think it matters gay, straight, pan, or whatever label is used. It's about a stable home, love of children, giving them tools to think and grow on their own with full loving support and doesn't matter if that is from a single parent, a couple, or a village of support and there will be studies that show which one of the above is "superior" but they all come back to other factors like love and support.

It’s not a popular view though

Actually it’s a very popular view. I’m a single parent and have been regularly told that a child needs a father. so polite of them.

To answer your question OP, there have been many different parenting styles throughout history and anthropologically speaking, fathers’ roles vary greatly amongst different societies. The mother’s role has been constant. The father’s has ranged from hands on, to being one of multiple “fathers”, to the Ejaculate & Go!

I personally subscribe to the Phoebe Buffay philosophy of parenting: the more people who love a child, the better.

The reason why children in single parent homes tend to do worse is not because single parent homes are inherently bad, but because we have set up society and economy so that single parents are at a disadvantage in terms of money, resources, time and back up.

The extended family, with or without a father, is the best set up IMO.

I think statistically that children of lesbian parents tend to have the best outcomes which suggests that a mum and dad aren't as important as all that.

The phoebe buffay school of parenting sounds lovely but can be problematic. It can sometimes lead to conflict and to difficulty. Fine if everyone who loves the child is on the same page parenting wise, in the same area and willing to contribute the same. If not, it’s tricky.

Ragwort and cherry - two parents, or a mother and father? As the former isn’t necessarily the same as the latter.

All children have a mother and a father, that's a fact of life.

Children need love and safety. Sometimes they don't get that if their parents stay together.

A lot of the problems in single-parent homes are caused by poverty, rather than the absence of one of the parents. If society wanted it could deal with that.

My children arent allow to see their father.

Just having one parent is far better than spending time with a dangerous father.

Same as having same sex parents who are loving and allow their children to thrive is better than rubbish heterosexual parents