To want an explanation if someone can't attend something?

[MerryMarigold]

Or is 'I can't come' a complete sentence?

It generally bugs me because I feel good friends should explain why. Tobe honest, I wouldn't mind if the reason was "I really want an early night.' I just think giving a reason is how you treat good friends.

What do you think? Is it none of my business or is it more polite?

@winniestone37 someone is coming across as a not very nice person and it's not the OP.

To say 'I can't come' is perfectly acceptable .

They gave you the courtesy of excusing themselves so I wouldn't push it any further.

lola yes totally agree, should never have to give more information than comfortable with

Just to clarify the 'going out somewhere' only became clear after a face to face conversation. I offered to have the child before/ after for the child's sake and possibly the parents' sake! Not to force my own agenda. After that was declined I didn't try anything else and as mentioned, gave a get-out clause when I offered. (It's no problem if you want him with you).

It just seems a bit secretive not to say where you're going in a face to face a chat with a good friend. It clearly wasn't a marriage guidance session or hospital appointment if child is going too. No biggie. Just different from the way I operate.

It just seems a bit secretive not to say where you're going in a face to face a chat with a good friend

But they may be trying to protect the child’s privacy. So it could be an appointment of some nature for the child.

Regardless of what they are doing, and regardless of they fact that you are good friends you aren’t entitled to know all their private concerns.

It doesn’t mean that they don’t love you and value your friendship.

There’s all sorts of things about my families lives, health etc that our friends and in fact our families don’t know anything about. And they have no idea that there’s anything they don’t know.

I hate it when people push me to give reasons why I’m not going to the work Christmas party. I’ve started just saying “because I don’t want to”. It’s a social event out of work hours, it’s not compulsory!

Urgh I feel you on this one!
My team are all field based so we meet up every 6-8 weeks for team meetings. Sometimes these are 2 day meetings where we often have to stay overnight and they expect/pressure you to go for an evening meal together as well. Christmas do’s are the same, we have a team meeting and then go out on the evening and you’re pressured into attending.

I get fed up of giving up my personal free time after work where I want to relax, call my DP, watch emmerdale etc invaded by these people expecting me to eat with them as well. So the last time I just said “sorry I won’t be coming for food, enjoy your evening” along with another girl who felt and said the same as me. Didn’t give a reason as non of their business and they’d try and work around it anyway like they always do. And also because I thought my reason of “I’m sick of the sight of you all and want time to myself” might not go down too well

The one colleague then turns round and goes “can I just make an observation? Last time we came to a meeting near you guys, I made the effort to come out”. I was like WTF??, that was your choice to do so. Firstly neither of us went out that time either and secondly, don’t try and guilt trip me into spending my free time with you. I’ve spent all day in a room with you all and I’ll be spending the next day stuck in a room with you all. I’d like my non work time in between for me. Cheeky git.

I don’t think people owe an explanation unless they’re canceling last minute. I’ve got myself so stressed out thinking of excuses that people can’t try and work around to pressure me into going. Given detailed explanations so it leaves no room for manoeuvre and it’s gotten me nothing but a migraine. And it’s pushed me into lying, which I hate doing but they leave me no choice. I even once told a friend I had Swine Flu, because I knew it was the only thing that would stop her pestering me to come out and stop her from throwing a strop if I didn’t. These are the crazy lengths you are driven to by people who won’t accept no for an answer!

After your friend said they had decided not to accept your invitations asking Qs about reasons and suggesting solutions to encourage them to change their mind would make many people uncomfortable, and discourage information sharing.

If my friends can’t come, it’s often for some self-esteem crushing reason eg ‘I’d love to come but I’m on mini-break with my wonderful husband in Paris’, ‘away working in dullsville Singapore’, ‘already busy on exciting theatre trip’ etc. Sometimes you’re better off thinking they’re just washing their hair or watching bake off.

I didn't ask questions about reasons. In this case, I just offered to have child if they wanted me to. In other cases I keep my mouth firmly shut but do an inner . Luckily most people I know DON'T do this, but the few that do I know can see their perspective more (maybe all their other friends are v pushy or judgey on good/ bad reasons. To me there is no good/ bad reason, but I do just prefer an explanation). I'll stop the inner from now on though.

Somehow "I can't come" sounds much much ruder than "Sorry I can't make that" which implies you've already got a prior commitment

I find it tough to say no. I always give a reason. I wish I was different though. I do end up over booking myself and doing things that I'd rather not. I guess I'm a people pleaser and don't like letting people down.

I volunteer with someone who is very blunt in saying 'no'. I admire her so much. She just says 'no, I can't do that', or 'no, I'm unavailable in that date.

My gut reaction to her is 'go girl'!

It's no problem if you want him with you

That is very nice of you to allow the parents to decide what to do with their own child, OP.

I used to feel very awkward about saying no to invites until a new woman started at my work, 40 hours a week together in the same cramped office and she would insist on "drinkies" every Friday night after work for everyone, "no" was not an option, then that ran into wanting to meet for coffee on Saturday to talk about the "drinkies" on the Friday night, the post-mortem of the event if you will. I was working full time, studying part time and no excuse was good enough, it eventually came to a head when I came home from the supermarket one random Wednesday and she was parked outside my house waiting for me, blocking the drive so I could not sneak in. In the beginning I felt a bit sorry for her as I thought she may be lonely or just trying a bit too hard to fit in at work, turns out she was just a time and emotional vampire. Sometimes it is just important to protect your own time and space, no reason needed.

I think if they are friends, then it’s only polite to give a reason. If it’s an unreasonable request like expecting someone to travel a long distance for a minor event, or if it’s from someone you really don’t like for good reason, then “I can’t come” is fine. I’d be very put out if any of my friends didn’t give a reason, and I can’t think that’s ever happened either. I accept that the reason given might not be the absolute truth all the time, but that’s just manners.

It's polite and considerate to give a reason unless it's personal.