To want an explanation if someone can't attend something?

[MerryMarigold]

Or is 'I can't come' a complete sentence?

It generally bugs me because I feel good friends should explain why. Tobe honest, I wouldn't mind if the reason was "I really want an early night.' I just think giving a reason is how you treat good friends.

What do you think? Is it none of my business or is it more polite?

[Icanttakemuchmore]

It's polite and considerate to give a reason unless it's personal.

[nellieellie]

I think if they are friends, then it’s only polite to give a reason. If it’s an unreasonable request like expecting someone to travel a long distance for a minor event, or if it’s from someone you really don’t like for good reason, then “I can’t come” is fine. I’d be very put out if any of my friends didn’t give a reason, and I can’t think that’s ever happened either. I accept that the reason given might not be the absolute truth all the time, but that’s just manners.

[badirene]

It's no problem if you want him with you

That is very nice of you to allow the parents to decide what to do with their own child, OP.

I used to feel very awkward about saying no to invites until a new woman started at my work, 40 hours a week together in the same cramped office and she would insist on "drinkies" every Friday night after work for everyone, "no" was not an option, then that ran into wanting to meet for coffee on Saturday to talk about the "drinkies" on the Friday night, the post-mortem of the event if you will. I was working full time, studying part time and no excuse was good enough, it eventually came to a head when I came home from the supermarket one random Wednesday and she was parked outside my house waiting for me, blocking the drive so I could not sneak in. In the beginning I felt a bit sorry for her as I thought she may be lonely or just trying a bit too hard to fit in at work, turns out she was just a time and emotional vampire. Sometimes it is just important to protect your own time and space, no reason needed.

[startingafresh1]

I find it tough to say no. I always give a reason. I wish I was different though. I do end up over booking myself and doing things that I'd rather not. I guess I'm a people pleaser and don't like letting people down.

I volunteer with someone who is very blunt in saying 'no'. I admire her so much. She just says 'no, I can't do that', or 'no, I'm unavailable in that date.

My gut reaction to her is 'go girl'!

[BitOutOfPractice]

Somehow "I can't come" sounds much much ruder than "Sorry I can't make that" which implies you've already got a prior commitment

[MerryMarigold]

I didn't ask questions about reasons. In this case, I just offered to have child if they wanted me to. In other cases I keep my mouth firmly shut but do an inner . Luckily most people I know DON'T do this, but the few that do I know can see their perspective more (maybe all their other friends are v pushy or judgey on good/ bad reasons. To me there is no good/ bad reason, but I do just prefer an explanation). I'll stop the inner from now on though.

[Figmentofmyimagination]

If my friends can’t come, it’s often for some self-esteem crushing reason eg ‘I’d love to come but I’m on mini-break with my wonderful husband in Paris’, ‘away working in dullsville Singapore’, ‘already busy on exciting theatre trip’ etc. Sometimes you’re better off thinking they’re just washing their hair or watching bake off.

[Loopytiles]

After your friend said they had decided not to accept your invitations asking Qs about reasons and suggesting solutions to encourage them to change their mind would make many people uncomfortable, and discourage information sharing.

[browneyes77]

I hate it when people push me to give reasons why I’m not going to the work Christmas party. I’ve started just saying “because I don’t want to”. It’s a social event out of work hours, it’s not compulsory!

Urgh I feel you on this one!
My team are all field based so we meet up every 6-8 weeks for team meetings. Sometimes these are 2 day meetings where we often have to stay overnight and they expect/pressure you to go for an evening meal together as well. Christmas do’s are the same, we have a team meeting and then go out on the evening and you’re pressured into attending.

I get fed up of giving up my personal free time after work where I want to relax, call my DP, watch emmerdale etc invaded by these people expecting me to eat with them as well. So the last time I just said “sorry I won’t be coming for food, enjoy your evening” along with another girl who felt and said the same as me. Didn’t give a reason as non of their business and they’d try and work around it anyway like they always do. And also because I thought my reason of “I’m sick of the sight of you all and want time to myself” might not go down too well

The one colleague then turns round and goes “can I just make an observation? Last time we came to a meeting near you guys, I made the effort to come out”. I was like WTF??, that was your choice to do so. Firstly neither of us went out that time either and secondly, don’t try and guilt trip me into spending my free time with you. I’ve spent all day in a room with you all and I’ll be spending the next day stuck in a room with you all. I’d like my non work time in between for me. Cheeky git.

I don’t think people owe an explanation unless they’re canceling last minute. I’ve got myself so stressed out thinking of excuses that people can’t try and work around to pressure me into going. Given detailed explanations so it leaves no room for manoeuvre and it’s gotten me nothing but a migraine. And it’s pushed me into lying, which I hate doing but they leave me no choice. I even once told a friend I had Swine Flu, because I knew it was the only thing that would stop her pestering me to come out and stop her from throwing a strop if I didn’t. These are the crazy lengths you are driven to by people who won’t accept no for an answer!

[NonaGrey]

It just seems a bit secretive not to say where you're going in a face to face a chat with a good friend

But they may be trying to protect the child’s privacy. So it could be an appointment of some nature for the child.

Regardless of what they are doing, and regardless of they fact that you are good friends you aren’t entitled to know all their private concerns.

It doesn’t mean that they don’t love you and value your friendship.

There’s all sorts of things about my families lives, health etc that our friends and in fact our families don’t know anything about. And they have no idea that there’s anything they don’t know.

[MerryMarigold]

Just to clarify the 'going out somewhere' only became clear after a face to face conversation. I offered to have the child before/ after for the child's sake and possibly the parents' sake! Not to force my own agenda. After that was declined I didn't try anything else and as mentioned, gave a get-out clause when I offered. (It's no problem if you want him with you).

It just seems a bit secretive not to say where you're going in a face to face a chat with a good friend. It clearly wasn't a marriage guidance session or hospital appointment if child is going too. No biggie. Just different from the way I operate.

[musthavejumpers]

lola yes totally agree, should never have to give more information than comfortable with

[morningconstitutional2017]

To say 'I can't come' is perfectly acceptable .
They gave you the courtesy of excusing themselves so I wouldn't push it any further.

[AGHHHH]

@winniestone37 someone is coming across as a not very nice person and it's not the OP.

[winniestone37]

None of your business. I have a disabled son and I get no joy from harping on about it. My friends know I would only cancel for a good reason. If people are cancelling on you has it occurred to you it mightbe becuase you're not a very nice person sometimes?

[PhilomenaButterfly]

As I said, "I'm sorry, I'm prebooked." should be fine.

[lola006]

Yes, absolutely, be polite. ‘I’m sorry I’m busy/can’t go’ whatever. But the OP is saying she wants an explanation and in my case that would have been ‘sorry, I’m seeing a surgeon that afternoon,’ which means that person now gets to know more about the situation than I’m comfortable with (and leaves room for questions I don’t want to answer). Not everyone is saying ‘I can’t, sorry’ because they just can’t be bothered, that’s all I’m trying to say :)

[SheCameFromGreeceSheHadaThirst]

But lola you can still be polite in your declining of said invitation can't you?

As it turns out, though, the OP wasn't just rudely told 'can't come'; she was told that they already had plans to go somewhere else, but didn't seem that an adequate explanation.

[PhilomenaButterfly]

I automatically say I'm prebooked if it's true.

[inghamsitaly]

Sorry though yes lola agree that you don't have to necessarily give an explanation

[inghamsitaly]

But lola you can still be polite in your declining of said invitation can't you?

[lola006]

This thread is interesting because very few people have mentioned privacy and that people could be struggling when they decline an invite. You simply don’t know what’s happening in people’s lives and everyone deserves to keep their life private.

For example: you ask me out to drinks Wednesday night but I know Weds afternoon that I’m seeing a surgeon to discuss treatment. So a) I might not be able to get back in time for drinks and b) I don’t want to tell you what’s wrong because it isn’t your business. So I say I can’t go. And yes, this has literally happened to me in the past couple of weeks. If someone wants to think they’re owed an explanation then that’s too bad. If someone thinks it’s because I just can’t be arsed then I guess that’s how it is.

[famousfour]

Of course you’re not ‘entitled’ to an explanation but I don’t know anyone who just say ‘I can’t come’ - it come across very blunt. Most people say something along the lines that they’d love to but can’t that day or make a general reference to prior commitments. It doesn’t have to be a detailed explanation. Plus if it’s a good friend and it’s sonerging like coffee most people would then suggest another date instead... surely?

[Gettingbackonmyfeet]

Sorry OP but I'm going to guess your response to then is why they havegiven you a vague reason

It's incredibly entitled to try to overrule what someone has said by offering unasked for solutions because you're ignoring their no .

You say she doesn't ask for help but has it occurred to you she doesn't want help?

This faux wide eyed "but I just want to heeeellllppppp " whilst ignoring other people's stated wants is incredibly irritating

As you are not listening I don't like being too harsh as I suspect you are overly anxious about other people's view of you but you did ask and you aren't listening to the hints

Yes you offended them by not taking no for an answer