To want an explanation if someone can't attend something?

[MerryMarigold]

Or is 'I can't come' a complete sentence?

It generally bugs me because I feel good friends should explain why. Tobe honest, I wouldn't mind if the reason was "I really want an early night.' I just think giving a reason is how you treat good friends.

What do you think? Is it none of my business or is it more polite?

[DayManChampionOfTheSun]

But the op is annoyed because they said they were going out but didn't give an actual destination/state the actual planned activity.
Completely agree, if you are changing a commitment, then imo you should give a reason. But at initial invitation, I think it's fine to state that you're sorry but you can't make it on that occasion.

Experience has taught me oh too well that if I try to explain the reason I don't want to go out clubbing etc, is because it is the first weekend I have had in ages that I don't have plans, I will be inundated with 'oh come on! It will be so much fun!' messages. So if I always just say, I'm sorry, I have plans, even if that plan is to binge watch netflix with dp!

[DayManChampionOfTheSun]

Sorry, that was to Hellsbells35

[Hellsbells35]

The OP said they simply said they can’t come. Saying you already have a prior engagement is an explanation. But saying can’t come doesn’t sound very grateful or friendly when someone obviously would like to see you. Plus, you should be willing to be unselfish and go to some things you don’t really want to because it will make someone else happy. Example, an important birthday party that clashes with a Netflix urge.

[Crunchymum]

MN is bonkers.

The only time I am ever so vague is if I don't like someone (and don't give a fuck if they think I'm rude)

Anyone else then yes they get a reason or explanation

Scenario a:
"Would you like to come for drinks on Friday?"
"Sorry can't make it"

Scenario b:
"Would you like to come for drinks on Friday?"
"We've got a really early start in Saturday, but maybe next time"

Seems like I'm odd though and I should just be stone walling people

[DayManChampionOfTheSun]

From the op:

Thanks all. Feel a bit better that it's quite common. Just not something I would do and also wondered if there was another issue. One of the circumstances was my son's best friend's mum declining birthday invitation. I offered to have child before/ after if it was a timing issue but also said it was no problem if they wanted him with them (whatever they were going, whatever they were doing. The explanation was 'We're going out'). That was that. I'm still left wondering if one of us has done something to offend, but hey...life is too short

So the people in question said they had plans, they didn't just say 'I can't come' (which OK, would be rude) the op is saying she wants specific details.

[RibbonAurora]

Crunchymum but that scenario leaves the door open to 'oh come on, just for an hour, a couple of drinks, we won't make it a late one.'

That's why I'm for keeping it vague even with, actually especially with certain among my good friends. I find they take more offense at a dogged resistance to all their arguments against my stated intention to not go for x reason they find not good enough. I don't do it to them, I take no for an answer and don't take it personally so why can't they do me the same courtesy?

[ReanimatedSGB]

Ok 'No' is a little rude., if that is literally all you send by way of a reply. 'Sorry, can't make it' is entirely civil and if you push and pester and whine after that, then you are the rude person. The one you invited can't make it. The reason why is their business, not yours. It might well be that they don't like you and don't want to spend any time with you - would it make you feel better to have that spelled out to you?

[EugenesAxe]

I've just started reading MN again and I haven't posted in ages, but you seem to have had a hard time on here and I wanted to say I understand where you're coming from. I haven't been in my town as long as other people and although I have some great friends, I don't feel firmly established in any 'group' of parents (and there are loads). As a result I can feel on edge about social things and I find it reassuring to have a reason.

Also, quite honestly I feel it's rude to say no to an invitation on the basis 'you don't like the person'... unless you had given it a go before and had a hideous time or something. They obviously like you enough to ask?! It seems incredibly unkind; I'd rather model graciousness over selfishness.

Essentially, someone giving me "Sorry I'm not free" with no reason, even if wrapped up with nice words, would make me think they are trying to hide something or spare my feelings. Even if the reason for the rejection was that loads of my other friends had been invited somewhere I hadn't, I'd rather know it than be feeling paranoid and then find out on FB down the line.

The only exception to the above is if my DCs had gone on playdates/ to parties and had an awful time then I wouldn't force acceptance of repeat invites - same for me. I would accept a first invite but if I'd had a shit time and the person inviting couldn't perceive that, then I'd consider it tough if they weren't happy about getting an unexplained rejection of a subsequent invite.

[SleightOfMind]

I’d only give a reason if I was cancelling something I’d already agreed to or the reason would interest the person who’d invited me.

I wouldn’t just text ‘I can’t come’ so baldly though. I’d say something along the lines of, ‘Sorry I can’t make it on that night. Hope you have a lovely time.

[BatsAreCool]

EugenesAxe there is no way I would accept an invitation to someone I didn't like or had an awful time with. You may think it's graciousness but I view that as a people pleaser over my own feelings and life is too short to be miserable. A simple 'sorry can't make it' should be enough for anyone and if people can't accept that then it's a reflection on them thinking that everyone owes them their time and not the person declining the invite.

[Hisaishi]

Most of the time, if people can't make it to stuff they either have other plans, are short on cash/time or they just can't be arsed. There is nothing wrong with not being arsed to do stuff, but some people get really offended by that.

So you can either make an excuse (which sucks, I hate lying to friends) or risk them getting all arsey when you say you just can't be bothered going to their niece's gender reveal party or whatever.

[Hisaishi]

eugenes Some people have limited time and patience for even the close people in their life. Sometimes, people at work ask me out for drinks and stuff and I say no...they seem nice enough or whatever, but I know we're never going to be actual friends so why waste time and energy I don't have?

Beyond that, it's not other people's job to assuage your anxiety. I get it. I have anxiety too. But we have to learn to live with it and not push it onto other people.

[Zbag]

I never give a reason. Its not your business!

[toomuchtooold]

The trouble with reasons when you just don't want to go is that the host then might offer you an alternative date or time and you've then got to come up with another excuse or come clean and say you don't want to go, which is embarrassing for everyone - why didn't you just say no in the first place? If I'm hosting I'd rather have a steer as to whether you are really glad not to come, or really regretful and would appreciate a reschedule. If I'm doing the turning down, I'd rather not tell a white lie for something that should be totally uncontroversial like not coming to a party because I don't want to.

[hiddeneverything]

If it's good friends I think they should give a reason. Also, if it's something that you have already arranged and they are cancelling they should also give an explanation

[Gettingbackonmyfeet]

Sorry OP but I'm going to guess your response to then is why they havegiven you a vague reason

It's incredibly entitled to try to overrule what someone has said by offering unasked for solutions because you're ignoring their no .

You say she doesn't ask for help but has it occurred to you she doesn't want help?

This faux wide eyed "but I just want to heeeellllppppp " whilst ignoring other people's stated wants is incredibly irritating

As you are not listening I don't like being too harsh as I suspect you are overly anxious about other people's view of you but you did ask and you aren't listening to the hints

Yes you offended them by not taking no for an answer

[famousfour]

Of course you’re not ‘entitled’ to an explanation but I don’t know anyone who just say ‘I can’t come’ - it come across very blunt. Most people say something along the lines that they’d love to but can’t that day or make a general reference to prior commitments. It doesn’t have to be a detailed explanation. Plus if it’s a good friend and it’s sonerging like coffee most people would then suggest another date instead... surely?

[lola006]

This thread is interesting because very few people have mentioned privacy and that people could be struggling when they decline an invite. You simply don’t know what’s happening in people’s lives and everyone deserves to keep their life private.

For example: you ask me out to drinks Wednesday night but I know Weds afternoon that I’m seeing a surgeon to discuss treatment. So a) I might not be able to get back in time for drinks and b) I don’t want to tell you what’s wrong because it isn’t your business. So I say I can’t go. And yes, this has literally happened to me in the past couple of weeks. If someone wants to think they’re owed an explanation then that’s too bad. If someone thinks it’s because I just can’t be arsed then I guess that’s how it is.

[inghamsitaly]

But lola you can still be polite in your declining of said invitation can't you?

[inghamsitaly]

Sorry though yes lola agree that you don't have to necessarily give an explanation

[PhilomenaButterfly]

I automatically say I'm prebooked if it's true.

[SheCameFromGreeceSheHadaThirst]

But lola you can still be polite in your declining of said invitation can't you?

As it turns out, though, the OP wasn't just rudely told 'can't come'; she was told that they already had plans to go somewhere else, but didn't seem that an adequate explanation.

[lola006]

Yes, absolutely, be polite. ‘I’m sorry I’m busy/can’t go’ whatever. But the OP is saying she wants an explanation and in my case that would have been ‘sorry, I’m seeing a surgeon that afternoon,’ which means that person now gets to know more about the situation than I’m comfortable with (and leaves room for questions I don’t want to answer). Not everyone is saying ‘I can’t, sorry’ because they just can’t be bothered, that’s all I’m trying to say :)

[PhilomenaButterfly]

As I said, "I'm sorry, I'm prebooked." should be fine.

[winniestone37]

None of your business. I have a disabled son and I get no joy from harping on about it. My friends know I would only cancel for a good reason. If people are cancelling on you has it occurred to you it mightbe becuase you're not a very nice person sometimes?