To want an explanation if someone can't attend something?

[MerryMarigold]

Or is 'I can't come' a complete sentence?

It generally bugs me because I feel good friends should explain why. Tobe honest, I wouldn't mind if the reason was "I really want an early night.' I just think giving a reason is how you treat good friends.

What do you think? Is it none of my business or is it more polite?

This is the reason people don't provide full explanations of what they are doing, because other people judge the plans to see if they think the excuse is good enough, if not, they offer work arounds nd solutions

Yep, that's it in a nutshell. OP received an explanation, but deemed it an unsatisfactory explanation and suggested alternatives that would achieve her preferred outcome, rather than accepting the other party's (already stated) preferred outcome.

I haven't decided that my son's birthday is more important, but she is not the type to ask for help so just offered that option in case she was secretly hoping I would.

It's not that I want to control what people do, but I hate wondering if I'm being avoided because I've done something wrong which I'm totally unaware of. Audio many friendships go down the tube because of miscommunication or someone thinks you've done something or misheard etc. If there is no reason offered eg. I'm going to my best friend's birthday and I'd like us to attend as a family, then I do start wondering if I've done something.

And I couldn't care less if her son attended as there were other kids there, but I know my ds cared and also her ds cared because he asked me if I could speak to his mum.

It would be helpful if people declined in a manner that made it clear whether they meant
"I never want to do this thing, please stop inviting me to events of this manner"
vs
"I don't want to do this thing on that date, but please continue to invite me to this kind of event"

I hate wondering if I'm being avoided because I've done something wrong which I'm totally unaware of

But why would you leap to that from someone turning down one invitation with a simple explanation? If someone turned down invitation after invitation, then yeah, perhaps they're avoiding you, but from turning down one event because they've already got plans (and plans that could relate to something they'd rather not divulge) it's a bit paranoid to go straight to 'I've done something wrong'

It's preferable to them saying that they will come then dropping out at the last minute with a made up excuse.

Basically, if you're told 'No' fucking well suck it up. Don't start pushing and meddling and trying to 'fix' things so that the person can, basically, obey you when they have already refused to do what you want them to do.

It's like, if you ask someone on a date (with romantic intentions) and they say No thank you, you accept it, you don't start nagging and whining and demanding an explanation. They told you No. They don't want to date you. They are under no obligation to explain or justify their refusal. The same applies to any other invitations.

It's like, if you ask someone on a date (with romantic intentions) and they say No thank you, you accept it, you don't start nagging and whining and demanding an explanation. They told you No. They don't want to date you. They are under no obligation to explain or justify their refusal. The same applies to any other invitations

That's a very good point.

I think unless its a funeral or wedding they don't need to explain

**I can't imagine being so blunt personally whether in a text/email or in person.

Seems very odd behaviour imo.**

^I agree. Thankfully no one I know just says “I can’t come”

Thankfully no one I know just says “I can’t come”

And it turns out that's not what was said to the OP anyway

hubby - my interpretation of "Sorry I can't make it. Have a great time." Is "I can't make it, but don't expect the rest of you to find an alternative date that suits me and accept you'll still go ahead without me." (As per other MN threads, some people do expect nights out to be cancelled if they can't make it but 2/3 other friends can!)

If it's an invite then I don't think someone needs to give an explanation and I wouldn't be too bothered by that but if they'd agreed to come to whatever then cancelled then I think some kind of explanation is in order.

lizzie1970a to be clear, I absolutely agree thag if you have agreed to something, then cancel, you should give a reason. The point of my posts has been solely focused at point of invitation.

I also don't hold grudges so 'i don't want to' for a trip to cinema would be fine or 'i just really want to relax inbed on my day off' would be fine. I wouldn't be offended and don't take offence easily/ never have, except to not knowing .

The explanation was 'We're going out'). That was that. I'm still left wondering if one of us has done something to offend, but hey...life is too short.

But they did give you an explanation, they did tell you that they were already busy and you are still miffed by their response (because you don't think it's good enough? I can't see why else prior plans wouldn't be acceptable) and are assuming offence on their part some time after the event.

I never give a reason, just say no, I can't make it!

YABU for expecting a reason.

But also of course "I can't come" is a bit blunt and rude. People seem to only think it's ok to say that on here.

And no is NOT a complete sentence either.

So I'd probably just say sorry I can't make that day and would either suggest another day, or not if it wasn't something I wanted to do.

I have a friend who would just write 'I can't come' - it is so rude and I think shows no care for the recipient. I don't need a reason, just 'sorry I can't make it that evening, have a great time and catch up soon' would be so much nicer.

I think it's human nature to wonder why! Most people usually give a rreason as well. But if you're not offered one I think it would be rude to ask

I don't even think an explanation is needed for a wedding or funeral tbh.
Unless of course you are extremely close to that person.
I still remember my will going off on one because we couldn't attend a wedding which she was going to. It was a work colleague of dh and we had never even met the bride.
The reason we couldn't attend was that it was a child free wedding and we had small children and no babysitter.
We declined the invite.
Sil couldn't seem to understand this and kept asking why we weren't going.

Merry you’ve said you aren’t easily offended but by my measure you are in fact very easily offended.

It wouldn’t occur to me to pester someone because their child couldn’t come to a party.

There could be a million reasons, none of which have anything to do with you.

You seem to be saying you’d prefer if people lied to you in order to bolster your self esteem.

But most people actively prefer not to lie to their friends.

If you are concerned about problems in the friendship you are more likely to create them out of thin air by your reaction to their polite decline.

If your friendship is important to you, gracefully accept her reply with a cheerful attitude.

but I hate wondering if I'm being avoided

If they are avoiding you, or just don't want to come on the occassion in question, what would you really prefer? They tell you the blunt truth ("thanks but we don't really like you")? They lie to you? They just say "sorry, we can't make it". Those are the choices. Frankly, there's no surer way to have people avoid you than to become emotionally needy and demanding of explanations you aren't entitled to.

I think I'd prefer "sorry, I can't make it". I don't need a reason. Although sometimes you can want one so you can help work around it. Like, bring the kids, it's fine to be late or go early, help with a lift etc.

I hate people
Questioning my reason why "I can't come". Sometimes I just don't want to.
Don't be so nosey!