To want an explanation if someone can't attend something?

[MerryMarigold]

Or is 'I can't come' a complete sentence?

It generally bugs me because I feel good friends should explain why. Tobe honest, I wouldn't mind if the reason was "I really want an early night.' I just think giving a reason is how you treat good friends.

What do you think? Is it none of my business or is it more polite?

[JustDanceAddict]

I have recently received ‘i Can’t come’ emails and I think it’s blunt too. I’d say ‘really sorry I can’t make it, hope you have a nice evening’ or words to that effect.’

[ArsenicNLace]

To be honest I just want someone to say they can't come from the outset rather than agreeing and pulling out at the last moment.

My closest friend does this and it's so bad I refuse to initiate arrangements with her because I know the likelihood is she'll let me down and pull out at the last minute. I sometimes wonder if it's because she can't think of a decent reason for pulling out so if it's a choice of 'sorry I can't make it' in a reasonable time frame over 'Sorry I can't make it' with a reason at the very last moment then I'll take the former anytime.

[BlackAmericanoNoSugar]

I hardly ever give a reason, and I would draw away from someone who always demanded to hear a reason. To me it feels like they want to know the reason so that they can decide whether it's a good enough reason and try to overrule me if it isn't. But I'm an adult I can make decisions for myself.

[redsummershoes]

yabu
imo can't come or can't make it are perfectly valid responses.

[Glumglowworm]

Sometimes if you give the reason, people try to solve it. If you keep on refusing you feel like you’re being awkward.

I hate it when people push me to give reasons why I’m not going to the work Christmas party. I’ve started just saying “because I don’t want to”. It’s a social event out of work hours, it’s not compulsory!

[TheFaerieQueene]

I think it can be put more politely.
‘I’m sorry I can’t make that. Have a lovely time ‘ is a reasonable response. I don’t see any need to explain further tbh.

[DayManChampionOfTheSun]

BlackAmericanoNoSugar that's what I was trying to say, you just said it much much better god I'm tired today lol

[Namechangeforthiscancershit]

I would give a reason if I was cancelling plans we already made, but probably not if it was a new invitation. I wouldn’t just say “I can’t come” though, that is a bit blunt. Probably more like “oh no I can’t make that, shame sounds fun. Have a lovely time” or something

[Loftyswops988]

If i don't want to do something if i'm not feeling up to it i might say I can't make it so sorry etc.. I wouldn't make up an excuse because I've found that people try and persuade, even if its with good intentions. I always try to rearrange and if its something i really can't be arsed doing i'm vague, ie 'will message you in a few weeks once this busy spell is over!'

[EK36]

I can never afford to go anywhere and I only ever say "sorry I can't make it". Otherwise it's too embarrassing to say why!

[DoJo]

Iguess I'm quite an upfront person and like things out in the open. I don't like 'wondering' or second guessing. I also don't hold grudges so 'i don't want to' for a trip to cinema would be fine or 'i just really want to relax inbed on my day off' would be fine. I wouldn't be offended and don't take offence easily/ never have, except to not knowing .

So it's essentially nosiness? If you won't be offended if someone just didn't fancy doing what you've invited them to, then what would you be 'wondering' about if they just said they couldn't make it? Do you need to know if it's because they have plans with someone else, want to spend the night shagging, or just want a night on the sofa watching TV? I don't see how not knowing could possibly be a reason to 'take offence'?

[fieldgold]

I think it depends on what the invite is for.

If it's something special like a Wedding, significant birthday etc. then if I can't (or don't want to lol) attend I will say why or make an excuse.

If it is for something like a meet up in a restaurant/pub or something, I will just say sorry, can't make it this time, have a great night, will be in touch soon, or something innocuous like that.

No one has a monopoly on your own free time.

[GreatDuckCookery6211]

I can't believe anyone would just type " I can't come " to a good friend.

If I received that from one of my mates I would be typing back " what the fuck is wrong with you? "

[ReanimatedSGB]

I usually say 'I'm otherwise engaged'. I agree with PP that giving too much detail encourages pushy people to keep pushing, especially when it's something like a selling party, or a night with someone you have been trying to disengage from for ages anyway.

[Parker231]

Nothing to do with you - no one owes you an explanation. If I can’t/don’t want to accept an invitation, whether it be work or home, I just respond ‘sorry I can’t make it. Hope all goes well’.

[DayManChampionOfTheSun]

GreatDuckCookery I might be wrong, but I think op means people who say 'oh I can't make it, have a nice time though!' (or words to that effect) instead of 'oh sorry I can't make it, I have to go to xyz'

Not just 'I can't come'.

[BertramKibbler]

I think just saying “I can’t come” is rude, I wouldn’t do it to my friends and I wouldn’t expect them to do it to me.

[SingaporeSlinky]

I would feel I was being rude if I just said “I can’t come”, I think some sort of explanation is polite, even if it’s an excuse. I’d rather hear “Ive already got something else on that day” or at least as a PP said “sorry I can’t make it but have a great time” so it’s not so blunt.
A good friend of mine declined my DD’s birthday party invitation (for her DD) by just texting something like “she can’t make it” and I was a bit put out. I later found out they were on holiday, which of course is entirely fine, but why not say “sorry she can’t make it as we’ll be on holiday”. I had been wondering if there was something else going on and got a bit paranoid about it.

[Shoppingwithmother]

Why is it that you feel they should want to do what you want them to do, or else they owe you an explanation though?

[RibbonAurora]

Agree that people often try to solve it/talk you round when you give an actual reason. I just say I can't go/have plans. Don't feel the need to apologise or expand on that and anyone who presses for an explanation is the rude one not me.

[Dollymixture22]

Miss manners always said all you need to do is respond to an invitation promptly- you don’t need to offer an explaination.

I had a old friend who stopped talking to me for a year, then out of the blue I revpcived an invitation to her wedding, I declined the invitation (because she wasn’t speaking to me!) and sent a pretty nice gift from her registery.

She then made a big deal about it, demanding an explanation (through family members, not directly to me). She maintains I acted poorly, I however don’t see that I did anything wrong. I sent a lovely card offering my apologies that I could not attend accompanied by a lovely gift.

By your reasoning though I was in the wrong?

[BatsAreCool]

I sometimes give reasons depending on the person. If I think they might try and 'talk me round' I wouldn't bother with a reason.

However, no one owes you any explanation as what they do with their time is their business.

[OrdinarySnowflake]

Op - why do you want to know why they can't come to whatever you have invited them to? Is it because you want to judge if their reason is good enough?

As long as they reply promptly that they can't come, rather than mess you about, then why do you need to know the reason why?

Are you secretly the "try to fix it" type?

[ButchyRestingFace]

Or is 'I can't come' a complete sentence?

'I can't come' is an explanation. Its' not as if the exchange went like this:

BETTY: Will you come to my 30th birthday party next weekend?
SUE: No.

The end.

[LettuceP]

Funnily enough me and DH were talking about this last night. He sees nothing wrong in asking someone why they can't come to something wheras I think its weird and rude.
If I say "I'm not free that day/night" and someone asked why or what I'm doing I'd be really annoyed. None of your business, piss off