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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want an explanation if someone can't attend something?

165 replies

MerryMarigold · 03/11/2018 14:09

Or is 'I can't come' a complete sentence?

It generally bugs me because I feel good friends should explain why. Tobe honest, I wouldn't mind if the reason was "I really want an early night.' I just think giving a reason is how you treat good friends.

What do you think? Is it none of my business or is it more polite?

OP posts:
Scotland32 · 04/11/2018 17:34

I thought this was just one on my pet hates. I’m glad others think the same. I don’t think people should be obliged to explain but quite frankly I think it’s rude and inconsiderate if they don’t. It smacks of not caring enough to provide any kind of answer - almost like ‘I can’t even be bothered to type more into my message (or phonecall) so I’ll just say I can’t come’. Whenever i can’t attend something I will say so in a polite but honest way e.g. ‘I have already accepted an invitation for that time’ or ‘its my only free night that week and so I’m afraid I have to stay at home otherwise I’ll never get the chores done’. My personal belief is that the person who invited me deserves a real reason.
But naturally not everyone will agree with me!

E20mom · 04/11/2018 17:39

I never give a reason as often the reason is that I just don't want to go. I feel that would be rude to say 

Turquoise123 · 04/11/2018 17:44

People see things in different ways - I can find it a bit patronising when people start telling me what they are up to ...

Racecardriver · 04/11/2018 17:49

I think YABU. They don’t owe you an explication and the reason may actually be something they would rather not talk about. It’s actually a bit strange that you spend time thinking about this.

ApolloandDaphne · 04/11/2018 17:54

I have just replied to an invite DH and i got to say we can't make it. I wasn't going to explain that the date is the only Saturday night we haven't got anything on for ages and I really don't fancy going to something 2.5 hours round trip away in the cold and dark when i would rather put my feet up and watch Strictly.

Adnerb95 · 04/11/2018 18:09

I'm with you OP. I think it is rude. You don't have to go into great detail about why but just to say " I can't come" is a bit arrogant and cold.

Most people I know would say " sorry, I can't make it. Hope it goes well/have a lovely time" . Only one person in my group of friends/acquaintances just says "I can't come". She comes across as cold, aloof and unfriendly. Have crossed her off my list of people to get to know more. After all, others are just nicer!

EK36 · 04/11/2018 18:15

I had one friend that kept inviting me to (money making) events. Where I'd have to bring my purse and buy something, and she'd earn the comission. It was so annoying to keep saying," no thanks" time after time! Eventually I just said, " I'm not interested, please don't invite me to any more events." I upset her! Can't win.

SassitudeandSparkle · 04/11/2018 18:17

I offered to have child before/ after if it was a timing issue but also said it was no problem if they wanted him with them (whatever they were going, whatever they were doing. The explanation was 'We're going out'

But they did give you a reason, just one you were not happy with and you tried to work round - that's why they don't want to go into further details, they don't want a workaround (regardless of what the child said!). What they were hoping for was a quick 'OK, thanks' not what you might be able to do and then have you overthink it to be some kind of rejection. It really doesn't sound like it was any kind of rejection so don't worry about that.

Ignoramusgiganticus · 04/11/2018 18:22

So you'd prefer them to make up a lie?

I always feel obliged to make an excuse but it's not fun lying. If it became socially acceptable just to say no, that would be good.

AfterSchoolWorry · 04/11/2018 18:26

Basically, if you're told 'No' fucking well suck it up. Don't start pushing and meddling and trying to 'fix' things so that the person can, basically, obey you when they have already refused to do what you want them to do

Agree. You have to take a hint gracefully. People mightn't like you but that's ok. Don't acct desperate and needy and pressuring because they'll avoid you even more.

I hate being cornered by people who won't take no for an answer.

Flooffloof · 04/11/2018 18:39

Whenever i can’t attend something I will say so in a polite but honest way e.g. ‘I have already accepted an invitation for that time’ or ‘its my only free night that week and so I’m afraid I have to stay at home otherwise I’ll never get the chores done

And more than once I have done the same, some good reason why I cannot do the thing asked. Then they try to make a work around, then it's "well come at a earlier/later time" or "we can do a different day"
Or even worse "aww come on, it'll be fun"

How about just no. I mean I add a bit of waffle too, oh shame I can't make that, that's not a great time for me, it's an inconvenient day but you have fun now etc. But surely if I wanted to just say no thanks, that should be enough.

Ragwort · 04/11/2018 18:40

I agree with others that often people try and change your mind if you give a truthful reason, I am lucky to be invited to quite a few things (not sure why ) and it is hard to often think of a reasonable excuse - I could be honest and say 'thank you but I prefer my own company and staying in with a good book' - but people don't really like hearing that Grin. I usually use my elderly parents as an excuse, but found out recently that my mother uses having to babysit my children as an excuse herself to get out of invitations - children are late teenagers Grin.

Hellsbells35 · 04/11/2018 19:47

Completely agree OP! I find this terribly rude and is my biggest bugbear. If you genuinely can’t make it - say why. If it’s because you just don’t want to go, either say that or man up and go anyway, to be nice. People are so rude these days. No wonder everyone is anxious and paranoid.

Hellsbells35 · 04/11/2018 19:53

Also if you say “I can’t come” but it’s because you don’t want to then you have already lied, as you could have physically made it. I think people deserve to know if you can’t be bothered or you want to watch Strictly. They can then reavaluate your friendship.

kennycat · 04/11/2018 20:03

I employ the mary poppins rule of ‘I never explain myself to anybody’.

Its none of their business

gonzo77 · 04/11/2018 20:09

I am early stages hypothyroid, even if I want to go somewhere sometimes when the 'thing' is supposed to be happening I am too exhausted.

expatinspain · 04/11/2018 20:15

I think it's good manners to give your excuses if you can't make something, certainly if you're cancelling at the last minute.

Upsy1981 · 04/11/2018 20:16

I saw Jane McDonald on Loose Women once talking about this and she said she used to tie herself up in knots with dates and commitments and now she just says 'I'm sorry, that doesn't work for me.' She said its been very liberating.

CitrusFruit9 · 04/11/2018 20:20

God no. I'm a grown up and if I don't want to go somewhere I don't need to justify that surely?

It's an invitation, not a command!

Ilikeknitting · 04/11/2018 20:30

If they say they can’t attend, accept their refusal graciously. They don’t owe you an explanation.

It’s far more annoying when they either don’t reply or say yes then stand you up.

Katherine2626 · 04/11/2018 20:45

With my friends we know that we don't need to explain to each other; if we can't make something or we need to drop out then that's it. We trust one another and I don't need to have anyone tell me they are too tired or don't want to come or a problem has come up - if they can't come they can't come, and I have had to say the same myself once or twice. Why should a friend have to tell you why they can't come if they would rather not? If I wanted some help or advice about what was happening I would ask them, but otherwise it seems unnecessary and...not 'trusting' in a way.

DayManChampionOfTheSun · 04/11/2018 21:06

So Hellsbells35, to use the example from the op:

You ask me to do something, I say 'oh sorry I can't come, I'm already going out that day'. You think that I have been rude in that scenario? You think I should go into full details to allow you a chance to fix a 'timing' issue that only suits you and will almost certainly put more pressure on me? And you think I would be the rude one in this situation?

Aria999 · 04/11/2018 21:15

I used to agonize about saying no to people (often because I just want quiet time with DH). Then one time I said ‘maybe’ to something I didn’t want to do and later bailed. My friend was perfectly reasonably annoyed. I gave a belated explanation and apologized saying I never know how to say no. She said ‘just say you have plans’. Now I do that, it’s simple and it works. Most people don’t want to know the details- as long as you make an effort to see them often enough when it does work.

Hellsbells35 · 04/11/2018 21:34

DayManChampionOfTheSun not at all, to say you already have plans that day is fine. The explanation is that you have prior commitment already arranged before invitation. However, just saying “I can’t make it sorry” is rude. Worse if you are changing a commitment too.

NotWeavingButDarning · 04/11/2018 21:39

I virtually never give a reason, just say sorry but I can't make it.

Partly because I don't think anyone is entitled to a reason and partly because I don't want to put my foot in it if e.g. I can't go because I'm off to another event to which the inviter wasn't invited.

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