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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want an explanation if someone can't attend something?

165 replies

MerryMarigold · 03/11/2018 14:09

Or is 'I can't come' a complete sentence?

It generally bugs me because I feel good friends should explain why. Tobe honest, I wouldn't mind if the reason was "I really want an early night.' I just think giving a reason is how you treat good friends.

What do you think? Is it none of my business or is it more polite?

OP posts:
Flooffloof · 03/11/2018 15:27

On another note, I hate it when people try to trap you into making plans, instead of asking 'would you like to go out Friday evening' they just ask, oh any plans for this Weekend? Then when you say no, they jump on you to go out and you can't make an excuse

Ah I was caught out by this once or thrice. Now I just say yes I have plans but for the life of me I can't remember what. Helps that I am a woman of a certain age, but even when I wasn't I just said the same.

amicissimma · 03/11/2018 15:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheCatWhisperer · 03/11/2018 15:29

I think it's nosey to expect an explanation tbh. I recently declined an Invitation out because I was in agony with a very heavy period, I don't really want to have to explain that to anyone other than my closest friends. More often than not the reason I'll decline is because I can't afford a night out, again don't want to have to explain that to people. If you pushed me for a reason I'd probably make something up so what's the point?

DayManChampionOfTheSun · 03/11/2018 15:32

Flooffloof Yeah I have just started saying, oh going to meet up with my parents (which isn't normally a lie but don't give specific details, really will just be a meet up in Costa ha!)

I hate when people think they own your time, as soon as people show signs of being like this, I distance myself instantly!

MummytoCSJH · 03/11/2018 15:33

I don't usually offer a reason if I'm declining at the first invitation e.g. 'Sorry, I can't. Maybe next/another time' but I always do if cancelling as I don't want them to think I just can't be arsed, if I cancel it really is because I'm not well/something important has come up. If I don't want to go I just say no originally - but then my friends know I'm blunt. I have a few friends who will say yes then pull out last minute and it's really annoying.

Storm4star · 03/11/2018 15:40

I’m going through something personally at the moment so I don’t want to meet up with anyone. I don’t have the energy to put on a mask and I don’t want to agree to meet anyone, then make it all about me when they ask what’s wrong. So easier just to decline right now. But I don’t want to have to explain that to people. I did try explaining to one then all I got was “oh come on, it’ll do you good” etc. As pp’s have said, when you give reasons people find (unwanted) solutions.

DayManChampionOfTheSun · 03/11/2018 15:42

TheCatWhisperer

I stopped using 'i can't afford to,' as an excuse for 2 reasons. 1) people might offer to pay for you, then you 'owe' them and I hate that. And 2) I budget every month, sometimes we have stuff planned that I will have budgeted for, sometimes over several months. I was asked out on a spontaneous night out, I said I couldn't afford it, which was true. Then the next week me and dp went to an event that was quite expensive. The person I declined the invite to was really horrid to me for ages about it, basically saying 'oh you couldn't afford x but you spent way more doing y so you obviously aren't that hard up'. This isjust another reason I don't give explanations.

Xenia · 03/11/2018 15:42

I don't think people should have to say. They might be having their womb removed or burying their mother and not want anyone to know. I had three people asking me - all salesmen the reason i didn't want something recently including extras with a car. He kept asking why not and I did I don't have to give you a reason. The reason I refused to give him a reason was I knew full well the marketing training school says if you start giving reasons they then start back at you as to why that reason is wrong. If you just say no people cannot start wheedling you round. Say as little as possible when refusing things.

SleepWarrior · 03/11/2018 15:46

"Can't make it" = very blunt and sounds grumpy.

"Afraid I won't be able to make it, but thanks for thinking of me. Have a great time!"
= Perfectly friendly and pleasant without having to share a reason why.

SheCameFromGreeceSheHadaThirst · 03/11/2018 15:50

On another note, I hate it when people try to trap you into making plans, instead of asking 'would you like to go out Friday evening' they just ask, oh any plans for this Weekend? Then when you say no, they jump on you to go out and you can't make an excuse

I find DH very useful in this respect: 'I'm not sure, I think DH has written something on the calendar but I can't read what it says because his writing is rubbish, so I'll have to check'

MrsStrowman · 03/11/2018 15:50

To just say I can't come, is being assertive, it's like the broken record technique. No one can try and persuade you then. Oh come out for a drink Friday, 'sorry I can't make it', whereas 'I've got to get up early Saturday' often results in 'oh we'll only stay for a few, don't worry about it' ' I'm a bit skint' 'that's alright I'll buy you some drinks' etc. If you just say no there's no argument to be had.

BoomBoomsCousin · 03/11/2018 15:52

I think a bit of an explanation is fairly normal, but also pointless since many are made up so that they aren't saying "I don't want to.".

So I think YABU to be miffed about it.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 03/11/2018 15:55

I’d expect a reason for a cancellation but not for declining an invitation.

Penguinsetpandas · 03/11/2018 15:57

I would give a reason but out of politeness and it's not always the real reason which may well be I don't feel like doing that for a coffee especially when its wet / cold outside.

A child's birthday would attend unless a genuine important reason why not and would give real reason.

If someone says no to everything then unless they might have social anxiety would assume they don't want to be close friends.

FinallyGotAnIPhone · 03/11/2018 16:00

I got invited out by a friend once to a party and I had recently split from my partner and in the end said I didn’t want to go because I couldn’t be bothered. She took massive offence to it and didn’t really speak to me again and told others how rude I’d been. So my choice in hindsight could have been to just say “I’m not coming” or lie.

BipBippadotta · 03/11/2018 16:01

I give explanations to anyone I like and am close to and who is not pushy. If there is someone who badgers me to do things despite my reasons, or who I don't trust will keep my reasons to themselves if they are personal - or if it is someone I actually don't want to be friends with and they can't take the hint and won't leave me alone, I will say that I can't make it without an explanation. For me it's a more polite way of saying 'back the fuck off'.

hubby · 03/11/2018 16:06

I think if it was a close friend they wouldn't say "I can't come" and leave it at that. They would say why or offer an alternate date. However if it's an acquaintance who doesn't care what you think they would just say I can't come and leave it at that as they don't care about coming or it's impact on you .

My pet hate us "sorry I can't come, have a great time" when it's a small gathering as having that person there is part of the good time

Original poster
MerryMarigold · 03/11/2018 16:19

Thanks all. Feel a bit better that it's quite common. Just not something I would do and also wondered if there was another issue. One of the circumstances was my son's best friend's mum declining birthday invitation. I offered to have child before/ after if it was a timing issue but also said it was no problem if they wanted him with them (whatever they were going, whatever they were doing. The explanation was 'We're going out'). That was that. I'm still left wondering if one of us has done something to offend, but hey...life is too short.

OP posts:
SheCameFromGreeceSheHadaThirst · 03/11/2018 16:31

The explanation was 'We're going out'

So they did give an explanation, but it wasn't adequate, in your view?

Belindabauer · 03/11/2018 16:40

If much rather people say from the off that they can't come than say they will then let you down at the last minute.
Had this a few times and it's very annoying especially when you change plans to accommodate that person.

DayManChampionOfTheSun · 03/11/2018 16:42

I offered to have child before/ after if it was a timing issue but also said it was no problem if they wanted him with them

See to me, you have already started trying to find a solution after being told no, this drives me insane. Of course it isn't an issue for the parents to want their child with them, they don't need your permission Confused. Sorry to be blunt but this stuff really irritates me

hubby · 03/11/2018 16:47

That's probably because OP may think that her son's best friend may want to come to his best friend's wedding as much as her child wants him there? 🤔
Obviously OP we are in the minority of ppl

OrdinarySnowflake · 03/11/2018 17:04

Yes OP - you strayed into "trying to fix it" behaviour. Sorry.

Accept from now on "we can't make it" means they have weighed up the options and decided to say no. You don't need to know the background to know if another adult has made the right choice.

DayManChampionOfTheSun · 03/11/2018 17:06

But that's just it hubby, parents have said no, the op has decided that her ds birthday is more important for friend than whatever his parents have planned. Instead of just saying, OK no worries, op lays on the pressure. It's not fair, if the mother had wanted the child to go, she would have said yes, or said 'we are meant to be going somewhere, can ds come early and leave late?' but she didn't.

This is the reason people don't provide full explanations of what they are doing, because other people judge the plans to see if they think the excuse is good enough, if not, they offer work arounds nd solutions.

AnonymousIndividual · 03/11/2018 17:13

If I can't make it, I say that I'm sorry and I have other plans.

I only know one person in real life who would challenge that and ask what my plans are. I just reiterate that I have something else on and it infuriates them immensely.