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AIBU?

Just given birth and hate everyone.

249 replies

DifferentD35 · 02/11/2018 14:50

I'm 12 days PP.

My emotions are all over the place.

DP driving me insane. I just want to leave with the baby for a bit. He keeps telling me when the baby cries and roots that he isn't hungry he just wants comfort (how can he possibly know that. 99% of the time he is rooting because he wants food). He then won't give him to me to feed him and just sits there watching him root around and whine. He told me I shouldn't always respond when he cries because he's doing it for attention, so I don't want to leave him on his own with DP because I know he won't sooth him when he's crying because he doesn't want to 'spoil him'. He's 12 days old ffs. He's generally doing my head in and I wish he was back at work already.

I have a 7 year old step daughter who is coming to stay next week. I'm feeling fragile and she is very full on when it comes to babies. She's met her brother twice and both times just wanted to hold him all the time. Absolutely fine and I love seeing them together. Same issue again. When baby cries, DP says she needs her time to hold him and he will be fine. I then have to sit there at 12 days post Partum listening to my baby cry for food because DP thinks that his DD holding him is more important. We should be teaching her that when he's hungry; she has to give him back and she can have cuddles after he's fed. She then looks at me after her dad had disagreed with me as if to say 'ha ha you're wrong' - she's 7 for goodness sake of course she's going to be happy her dad agreed with her but I feel so small.

I just can't stand anyone around me at the moment and want to hide in a corner with my baby and cry/feed him/get to know him.

AIBU? Am I being ridiculous? I'm so overwhelmed by everything and wish DP would just sod off back to work. I'm horrid, I know. I'm just a bit of a mess...

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DifferentD35 · 02/11/2018 14:53

Probably could've picked a better title, sorry. I'm writing through tears.

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LorelaiRoryEmily · 02/11/2018 14:54

Congratulations op. Newborn babies don’t cry for attention, he is being ridiculous and I’d feel the same as you, id just take the baby off him every single time. Poor you!

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ChasedByBees · 02/11/2018 14:54

Could you get a midwife / HV to have a word? He might respect someone with ‘authority’. Congratulations on your baby Flowers

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Doyoumind · 02/11/2018 14:57

I would speak to your HV if your feelings become too overwhelming.

I would be annoyed by your DP. It's natural for you to be 100% focused on the needs of your baby and he doesn't have that same hormonal reaction to your baby crying and needing to be fed. Is there someone who can talk to him on your behalf to explain your concerns so that you don't end up upset and in an argument with him?

Would it be possible for you to stay with parents or someone who will give you space for a couple of days? With so much going on it takes time to adjust. Don't be hard on yourself but do ask for help.

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DifferentD35 · 02/11/2018 14:57

@ChasedByBees wouldn't that look really obvious getting a HV to speak to him?  good idea though as he doesn't listen to me...

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xJune88 · 02/11/2018 14:59

He's been an idiot but doesn't seem to know he's doing wrong, babies that young shouldn't be left to 'cry it out'. Tell him you need to talk to him and try discuss if not get HV or midwife involved xx

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recklessruby · 02/11/2018 14:59

No you're not being ridiculous. You're acting on mother's instinct. Dp is wrong. Your little one isn't trying to manipulate anyone at 12 days old. He just wants to be fed and cuddled by mummy.
I know how you feel though it's 25 years ago I couldn't wait for ex dp to go back to work and let me have dd to myself.
He thought I was spoiling her by picking her up when she cried too and she was days old.
As for sd she's 7 that's old enough to be told baby's hungry and needs mummy now. You can hold him later.
Congratulations on your little boy Smile

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DifferentD35 · 02/11/2018 15:00

@Doyoumind my parents live in a different country (though could use a holiday!), so not really. I just want to escape to be on my own.

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7yo7yo · 02/11/2018 15:00

He’s a twat then. Who doesn’t listen to a mother about her 12 day old baby?
Next time he or step daughter are hungry advise them that they aren’t and they need to wait until you decide they are. (Ok may be not to step daughter).
And it infuriates me when people say you can spoil a baby.

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StompyDino · 02/11/2018 15:00

Flowers OP

I remember how awful it was at first when people were grabby with my newborn DD.

It’s not easy but you might just have to be firm with your partner and tell him you know your baby best. If you can get some time alone with a Health Visitor you could ask them to tell your partner as he might take it from someone “official”. The HVs will happily stick up for you. Like you said, a you can’t spoil a newborn so he’s just being an arse. It’s been said lots on here but it’s true - a newborn only needs mum and bonding with other people doesn’t matter so much. Maybe get him to google “fourth trimester”.

It probably doesn’t help but it will get better. I remember spending every bath in tears because I was so overwhelmed but the feelings will calm down. Unfortunately my relationships with some of the people who pissed me off at the time are still damaged, though.

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DifferentD35 · 02/11/2018 15:01

@7yo7yo the HV even said you can't spoil a baby until they are 1 or older for some babies. It's so obvious that it's their only way of communicating. How can you possibly know when he's hungry or not?!

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RyelandSheep · 02/11/2018 15:02

Congratulations op. I agree with asking the HV or midwife to explain to DP that babies cry because they need something not because they’re attention seeking. Babies can’t be spoiled. I thought that little gem had been laid to rest back when I had DC 30+ years ago. If DS is rooting about yes he wants a feed and shouldn’t be made to wait it out. I don’t blame you feeling pissed off. I think with DSD I’d insist on her cuddling him after he’s fed and comfy.
You aren’t being horrid one bit. You are having to fight your corner about something you’re completely right about at a time you have least energy and wish to be assertive. Def get a professional on board as DP sounds very fixed regarding this.

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negomi90 · 02/11/2018 15:03

Your DP is a twat.

  1. Babies don't cry for attention
  2. If they did cry for attention what's wrong with giving it to them. It teaches them that they have needs and those needs can be met. I bet if you randomly started ignoring your DH he'd be mad at you. Because you give your adult partner attention when he asks for it. As you do anyone else who talks to you. Why would a baby be any different?
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Santaisgettingbusy · 02/11/2018 15:03

What a twat. You need to take your baby off them both and feed - suggest dh takes his dd off out. Or go stay at a friend/relative who can support you.

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FredFlinstoneMadeOfBones · 02/11/2018 15:03

YANBU. Do you feel able to stand up to OP and insist your baby is fed when hungry? I think that might make you feel less small. (He is unreasonable to be putting you in that situation though).

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7yo7yo · 02/11/2018 15:04

I totally agree op.
Question is, he doesn’t listen to you do what will you do? How can you deal with this.
Speak to the HV certainly but tell him he’s undermining you and that needs to stop.
This is the second thread I’ve read this week where the child’s father withholds the child from the mum both in the post partum phase and it chills me.

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blueluce85 · 02/11/2018 15:05

Omg OP I feel for you, that is awful. I'd say you need to be more firm than your DH, and do what others have said and just take baby off of them. And even if it is obvious, get Hv to have a word

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GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 02/11/2018 15:06

I would love to drop-kick your DP into the middle of next week on your behalf.

But seriously, why are you not standing up to him?

Take baby back, feed baby = baby stops crying. And repeat.

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DifferentD35 · 02/11/2018 15:06

I feel really low and just have no energy at all. Will call HV though find that a bit embarrassing. Like I can't cope with my own DP on my own ☹️

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DifferentD35 · 02/11/2018 15:10

He goes back to work Monday I honestly can't wait.

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ChasedByBees · 02/11/2018 15:10

Don’t worry, a lot of women need support from their HV in the early days. It may well be obvious but better that than him thinking he knows best and upsetting you.

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Blondielongie · 02/11/2018 15:11

Op, I've never said this but I think I'd leave your dp on those grounds. I'd go and stay with your parents. He sounds like a controlling arse. Your poor baby. He won't give him to you??

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canihaveanap · 02/11/2018 15:12

I spoke to a psychiatrist that was treating my ex after he had a breakdown and was diagnosed with multiple personality disorder. I had a newborn at the time.

I don't know how true it is but I was in the meeting asking questions (more bothered about if it was something that could affect dd in the future).

There must have been about 6 psychiatric professionals in the room and they agreed that the best thing you can do is respond to every need from birth and It's stuck with me since. There must be some research about on this somewhere. They said ex partners very serious problems likely started as a child when his mother refused to meet his needs and they told me even responding to cries as a baby is vital for future mental health.

Not saying any of this to worry you, it's just you may be able to find some concrete research to show your dp to prove times have come forward from when everyone used to just get on with it!

Also try and be kind to yourself and give yourself a little break. Go for a walk with baby. Sit in a coffee shop for an hour. Take care of yourself. It's the one time in your life you just shouldn't give yourself a hard time. There's no right or wrong way.

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OpinionCat · 02/11/2018 15:14

What!! YANBU at all. Newborns can't be spoiled, what a ridiculous thing for him to say!

Sorry OP, is there any female in the family that could have a word if he's not listening ? Like MIL or your own mother? He might listen to a woman apart from you who he respects ? 

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canihaveanap · 02/11/2018 15:14

Having read that back also just want to point out I'm not for one minute suggesting that leaving a baby to cry causes split personality disorder, there were other factors affecting that as he grew up, but they said that was the most vital part and that when children's needs weren't met by caregivers they would sometimes have another persona they would use to cope.

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