Just given birth and hate everyone.

[DifferentD35]

I'm 12 days PP.

My emotions are all over the place.

DP driving me insane. I just want to leave with the baby for a bit. He keeps telling me when the baby cries and roots that he isn't hungry he just wants comfort (how can he possibly know that. 99% of the time he is rooting because he wants food). He then won't give him to me to feed him and just sits there watching him root around and whine. He told me I shouldn't always respond when he cries because he's doing it for attention, so I don't want to leave him on his own with DP because I know he won't sooth him when he's crying because he doesn't want to 'spoil him'. He's 12 days old ffs. He's generally doing my head in and I wish he was back at work already.

I have a 7 year old step daughter who is coming to stay next week. I'm feeling fragile and she is very full on when it comes to babies. She's met her brother twice and both times just wanted to hold him all the time. Absolutely fine and I love seeing them together. Same issue again. When baby cries, DP says she needs her time to hold him and he will be fine. I then have to sit there at 12 days post Partum listening to my baby cry for food because DP thinks that his DD holding him is more important. We should be teaching her that when he's hungry; she has to give him back and she can have cuddles after he's fed. She then looks at me after her dad had disagreed with me as if to say 'ha ha you're wrong' - she's 7 for goodness sake of course she's going to be happy her dad agreed with her but I feel so small.

I just can't stand anyone around me at the moment and want to hide in a corner with my baby and cry/feed him/get to know him.

AIBU? Am I being ridiculous? I'm so overwhelmed by everything and wish DP would just sod off back to work. I'm horrid, I know. I'm just a bit of a mess...

Op please do something

Fight like your life depended on it if not yours the babies

I feel for you OP, you are aloud to dictate how and when your baby gets fed, sleeps and spends his day. A real Dp would support you as and when you need xx my own dh would wake up in the night with baby change him and pass for bf(I am crap at waking in the night) allowing me to feed (half asleep), then he would put baby back in basket, which was always my side of the bed. Your dp is not looking after you properly when you are in a place where you should be treated like a princess xx pls seek some help even if u do it when he is at work xx

You are your babies mother, go by your gut instinct- I agree with pp he prob thinks he knows better as he has another child- though I doubt he had much hands on when the child was newborn

Any person who told me my 12 day old baby was doing something "for attention" wouldn't survive to say it twice.

OP I know you've very vulnerable right now, but you're letting a newborn baby suffer at the hands of this man. Is that the mother you planned on being?

Maybe lay off the Op a bit, eh? I don’t think making her feel even shittier about herself is going to help the situation.

Op, try and get some rest (with your baby), and hopefully tomorrow you’ll feel stronger and more sure of yourself. There’s a lot of support for you here, and we’re all on your side (even if some people express it a bit too ‘tough love’ -ish for my liking.

you're letting a newborn baby suffer at the hands of this man. Is that the mother you planned on being?

Oh, ouch...

Sorry you've received abuse DifferentD35.

Have a rest but you are the one who knows the baby best so don't give in.

Sweetheart will you be seeing your midwife again or have you been handed over to the health visitor? You really need some real life support through this.

It's hard to see through the fog in the early stages. I really think you need HV input here. At the very least.

Ignore any abuse, OP. Leaving a baby to cry for a bit won't actually cause them any harm - I've lost count of the number of healthcare professionals who have said that to me. That said, your partner is a crashing arsehole and needs to be put in his place. It is best for both you and your baby if you respond to his cues.

Has he repeated the behaviour today? Is it every time, or just occasionally?

Could you write down how you’re feeling and print off some information about newborn feeding for him?

Please pay no attention whatsoever to people who are giving you stick here.

Hi OP,
Can I just add, that after my 5th child I felt awful. My dp is a massive support but I still felt overwhelmed and really tearful. My baby was also incredibly good and still is. I went to my gp and they immediately referred me to the perinatal mental health team. Within a few days 2 ladies (incredibly lovely and not patronising) came to our house and assessed me. They then referred me on for weekly therapy which has been an absolute godsend. I didn’t have post natal depression or depression. In my case PTSD from a combination of things earlier on. They explained that just after birth, sometimes the connectors between having a problem and being able to rationalise it can not work properly. The support is fantastic nowadays. Gone are the days where if your feeling overwhelmed do they assume you’ll chuck your baby out the window. They also don’t insist you take medication either. My daughter is 7 months and I’m feeling so much better. Another thing I learnt is that it is far better to meet ALL your babies needs, not leave them to cry. It’s the best and quickest way to a content baby. Babies in Romanian orphanages were reported as being silent. It was because they had learnt there needs wouldn’t be met even if they cried. How sad is that?
Your instincts are perfectly right. Your a brilliant mum because you know your dp is wrong. Go see your gp or hv and be honest. You deserve the support. You won’t tegret it xxxxx

Of course newborns cry for attention. It's the only thing they can do! And sometimes that attention means food.

I would get the hell out of there if I was you, though I do understand that may be hard. I know you said you want to just be by yourself, but maybe a holiday to your parents could do the world of good. Although the "you're letting your newborn go hungry because you're scared" comment was a little bit harsh, there is some truth behind it. If you truly believe your baby is hungry (which obviously you know best as a mother) you need to listen to that no matter what he says because he obviously doesn't know best and to be honest seems like he knows nothing about the way baby's brains work. Don't get yourself down, just stand up for yourself and baby more. Tell him if it doesn't stop you're leaving because you care more about the needs of your child than his delusional head seems to and that not feeding your child when they are clearly hungry is child abuse. I hate to swing that about, but if he's not stepping up than he needs to hear that! Give some time for yourself to relax and please try and look after yourself, if you feel your mental health is getting to much talk to someone xxx

I agree this thread is difficult to read. For the reason many posters have eloquently explained better than I could. But it’s that feeling of almost terror that a mother experiences when her baby is crying and she cannot get to them for whatever reason. It is truely heartbreaking..... because it’s supposed to be! It’s hard wired into mothers brains to respond to newborn cries... like a PP says of course your baby is doing it for “attention” they have no other way!! From an evolutionary perspective, if they didn’t cry and it didn’t provoke such a strong reaction from mothers to make them care for their young, what’s to stop them from just walking off and leaving the baby to be eaten by a lion?! It’s abiut survival!!!

Of course it’s not conscious by the baby, they are not trying to manipulate anyone, their needs and wants are the same thing at that age, until probably about 18 months I’d say, if they want something (food, comfort) then they need it. They are (from a neuro/cognitive point of view) unable to delay their needs until later, they need and require prompt action to their needs in order to develop their brains properly.

OP what would happen if you got your partner to read those links I posted upthread?? Is he open to anyone’s opinion other than his own? Even if it is backed up with developmental cognitive neuroscience research??

What’s his DM like? Can you get her to have a word with him??

I feel so sorry for you but mostly your baby for how this total tosspot and bully is railroading over both of your basic needs

OP I also know what it feels like to not have your crying hungry baby handed back for a feed, my MIL did it several times when DD was a newborn and it was hideous

I didn’t feel able to stand up for myself and DD as forthrightly as I would normally do either because of a traumatic birth/severe sleep deprivation etc but it is one of the many reasons (not on its own but in combination with other hideous behaviours from mil in the post partum period and due to DHs childhood) that I have made the decision to be NC with PILs.... I will not allow my DC to be around people who would abuse them for their own fucked up reasons (like always having to be right etc)

YANBU OP, your DH sounds controlling and ignorant. Him refusing to give your baby back to you when he cries is utterly unreasonable. I second speaking to your HV, ideally when you're alone. Hope things get better.

Okay, what would happen if you said don't be silly and picked up the baby off him/ her

12 days pp. You poor thing. It is totally and completely right for you to hold your baby all the time and put to your breast whenever he squeaks. You are establishing feeding and comfort. I wonder if DH was an arse like this to DSS' mother?

For me this would be a LTB situation there is no way he should keep that baby from you ever. Leave and go to your parents.

Thinking if you OP as your husband returns to work (hoorah)

Another link to reassure you you’re right and maybe send to your “D”H

www.netdoctor.co.uk/parenting/baby-and-toddler/a23817856/babywearing-benefits/

How are you OP? Has he gone back to work? Xx

How are you Different x

Your DP is being a dick. You are 100% right. Show him my message!! Babies root because they are hungry and want the comfort!! At 12 days old they don't have it in them to be whining for attention- he just wants his milk and his mummy!! Defo agree to get a HV or midwife to speak to him to get him to back the fuck off!