Just given birth and hate everyone.

[DifferentD35]

I'm 12 days PP.

My emotions are all over the place.

DP driving me insane. I just want to leave with the baby for a bit. He keeps telling me when the baby cries and roots that he isn't hungry he just wants comfort (how can he possibly know that. 99% of the time he is rooting because he wants food). He then won't give him to me to feed him and just sits there watching him root around and whine. He told me I shouldn't always respond when he cries because he's doing it for attention, so I don't want to leave him on his own with DP because I know he won't sooth him when he's crying because he doesn't want to 'spoil him'. He's 12 days old ffs. He's generally doing my head in and I wish he was back at work already.

I have a 7 year old step daughter who is coming to stay next week. I'm feeling fragile and she is very full on when it comes to babies. She's met her brother twice and both times just wanted to hold him all the time. Absolutely fine and I love seeing them together. Same issue again. When baby cries, DP says she needs her time to hold him and he will be fine. I then have to sit there at 12 days post Partum listening to my baby cry for food because DP thinks that his DD holding him is more important. We should be teaching her that when he's hungry; she has to give him back and she can have cuddles after he's fed. She then looks at me after her dad had disagreed with me as if to say 'ha ha you're wrong' - she's 7 for goodness sake of course she's going to be happy her dad agreed with her but I feel so small.

I just can't stand anyone around me at the moment and want to hide in a corner with my baby and cry/feed him/get to know him.

AIBU? Am I being ridiculous? I'm so overwhelmed by everything and wish DP would just sod off back to work. I'm horrid, I know. I'm just a bit of a mess...

I know exactly how you feel. I have comments all the time (of course she cries, you pick her up every time! That baby’s spoiled!)

The breast feeding leaflets should include a list of ‘hunger cues’ which include rooting, crying etc. Maybe show him and see if he will accept that? Maybe he is feeling jealous of all the attention the baby is getting (his problem!).
12 day old babies are not capable of manipulation. Please don’t let him get to you, your tiny baby wants his mummy and that’s exactly what needs. Feeding him when he cries is another way to reassure him that he is loved and safe.

I can’t even imagine DP doing this to me, it sounds horrible. I’m sorry.

What is he like usually OP? Is he usually kind and gentle etc and respects your wishes, or not?

Your DP is a heartless moron. Leave him and take care of yourself and your newborn.

He's being a tosser. He won't give him to you to feed? That's really horrible :(
I'm sorry OP. This is definitely not a case of you BU in any way, though

Your partner is a fucking idiot and I'm shocked this is his second child and he's so clueless still.

Newborns don't have the capacity to manipulate people with crying end of. When they cry it's because they NEED something, when they root they are hungry.

Just take the baby away rather then let him starve it.

Oh OP.

You must be so fragile right now. I remember the early days and how difficult it can be, let alone these problems you are experiencing.

I could never imagine my DP being this way and I find it completely shocking to be honest.

Regardless of how ridiculous his opinions and thoughts are, your feelings and thoughts are completed being overlooked and rejected. I'm sorry but I see that as a complete lack of respect and I feel so deeply sorry for you. You've practically just given birth fgs!

Seek advice from a hv, get someone in your corner. I hope you soon find the strength to stand up for what you want. A babys needs should be met no matter what they are.

*completely

You are in charge of your newborn baby not him. Tell him that.

Gender roles have been all fucked up and he doesn't know his place. Yes, I said that. Deal with it.

This is awful to read OP, how awful. Do you feel you can challenge him, when he says baby isn't baby hungry when whining and rooting? It must be torture for you! I'd tell him firmly that babies cry for everything, including comfort and attention which is normal. 12 days is so small! Your baby is literally too immature to manipulate you. You're laying down healthy connections now by responding to his cries and holding him. The idea babies don't need love, reassurance and closeness is ridiculous!

Big hugs to you OP. Keep babe skin to skin, much harder for SD to get grabby, she has to sit next to you then while YOU hold him!

Out of interest, was his daughter breastfed? Could it be (devils advocate) if she wasn't, then he was used to more routine feeds and not on demand in the way BF is especially in the early days?

He's a complete idiot.

You should remove your dp's dinner whenever he's hungry and see how he likes it.

DifferentD35. oh my poor lovely girl!! First: Congratulations on your new baby!! You gave birth not the spare-part father looking on. Now, I am not a man hater, but I am angry when the father interferes like this one is, telling you all the time not to feed new baby or you'll spoil him etc. That's first-order bollocks. You can't spoil a new baby. Hook him on and let him suckle and he'll get himself into a pattern and the milk will too. Tell the know-it-all man to sod-off every baby is different.

You, my pet, (says the older woman who's a granny now) sound a bit post natal depression or in in the baby-blues stage. It's a real thing and you should be being mollycoddled. You should never be criticised. Everything you say or do is right. Do what you feel is right. When step sister comes, she must do as she is told and also be an extra pair of helpful hands. I imagine she will enjoy this. Little girls usually do. You must not have to look after her at all. Even if you have take-aways every meal. The extra calories will be fine for a few days and very good for you.

Give yourself an easy time. Follow your instincts, feed new little-man whenever you want to. Anyway he is not the same baby as his father's first baby - no two are alike!! Believe me. I kept 2 0f 3 of mine latched on for the first month or so and had an easy life thereafter. Tell the man to behave and do as he is told. Get your midwife on your side. You are the boss! Mum is in charge!

Sending lots of love

Oh poor you, sounds very stressful and upsetting. I know you are feeling vulnerable but trust your instincts and just take YOUR baby from DP / DSD if they won’t pass her back. You are the most important person to your newborn baby right now.

What's with all the threads recently about mothers not being allowed to feed their babies?!

A very simple google and show of screen to your 'D'H would give him a million different pages on how babies don't cry for attention and they cry because their needs aren't being met. He definitely wouldn't be rooting if he wasn't hungry.

Must be so hard at 12 days PP but please be strong and get him told.

Agree with PPs, you can’t spoil a newborn baby! Your DP is an idiot.

Lots of sense here.
The other thing that is happening is you little boy is regulating your milk supply. Him sucking will increase your supply for the growth spurts coming. It’s a symbiotic relationship, and needs to be respected.
Also, at 12 days he has little idea of himself and his thought patterns, let alone the ability to understand yours and manipulate them. Can you put it to your partner like that? If he doesn’t know what you are feeling how can he possibly manipulate it?
Please look after yourself, as it doesn’t sound like others are looking after you.

DeltaZulu89. I love what you said! In fact I love what lots of you have said. Good for Mumsnet! I do hope DifferentD35 finds all this comforting and helpful. I would make the father read these responses!
Keep up the breast-feeding on demand!

Oh bless you. Your DP is a massive plonker. Tell him to google the "fourth trimester". Your tiny baby only needs you at the moment. It's nice to bond with other family members but for the first few months they just want and need mummy. Tell him to google "cluster feeding" too. And no, a 12 day old baby shouldn't be left to cry ffs.

7yo is old enough to understand "give baby back now".

Fwiw, I hated DH when my first was born. I loathed the bones of him. Then with DC2 I loathed him again but also wished that DC1 would bugger off for a bit too and let me enjoy my baby bubble . Awful but true.

You are 100% in the right here. However while all of us agree here it sounds like you need a practical solution right now.

Have you tried sitting your OP down and talking to him calmy? Don't get me wrong, it's fucking ridiculous you have to. But maybe just laying out the facts that 12 day old babies don't cry to manipulate, you know when he is hungry and your DH keeping him away from you is causing you significant distress. If he doesn't budge I'd honestly offer him the ultimatum he moves out until he is willing to support you or you will but you can't live in the current situation.

Could there be more going on with your DH? Is his desire to control due to his own insecurity?

I agree that he sounds like a controlling arsehole.

Most fathers would hate to listen to their baby cry and would find it cruel to deny them food or comfort. The fact he doesn’t care (because he’s the boss man and he’s in control) speaks volumes.

Can you go somewhere for support for a bit? He's undermining you in front of his daughter which isn't appropriate when it involves a tiny baby.

If he's telling her that you're wrong and her wants are more important than your baby's needs it's going to go on and on.

Wow, this is making me cry. Which is fine, by the way, but I haven't read the full thread and I only want to say one thing. You don't hate everyone, you passionately, passionately love your baby and you have this massive instinct to protect him and care for him. And that is exactly how it should be. Bless you. I'm so feeling for you right now.

I'd be asking him 'Who told you that rubbish, the HV said...' every time he spouted the spoiling the baby claptrap.

And I'd be telling him that the DSD can hold the baby when he's fed and happy and that it will be nicer for her than holding a hungry, crying baby.

My dh didn't take paternity leave when I had DD1, because it was 'too difficult a time at work to take it' and finally took it when she was a few months old. Meh, it let me get on with getting things sorted how I wanted and didn't have to put up with rubbish like OP's DP is spouting here.

Yes agree with PP - get your HV to have a word with him or give him an internet page to read about how tiny a baby’s tummy is...your baby needs food and isn’t capable of crying ‘for attention’ / babies’ brains just don’t work like that. There is a lot of science to show that...poor you. 💐💐 hope things get better

Your DH is a twat and obviously hasn't learnt much since her first child, his DD, was born. Not hands on then?

Get your midwife/HV to talk to him asap. Or tell him to get to fuck if he thinks you're going to let a NEWBORN cry for food just so his daughter can hold the baby when she wants to. Or him.