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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Just given birth and hate everyone.

249 replies

DifferentD35 · 02/11/2018 14:50

I'm 12 days PP.

My emotions are all over the place.

DP driving me insane. I just want to leave with the baby for a bit. He keeps telling me when the baby cries and roots that he isn't hungry he just wants comfort (how can he possibly know that. 99% of the time he is rooting because he wants food). He then won't give him to me to feed him and just sits there watching him root around and whine. He told me I shouldn't always respond when he cries because he's doing it for attention, so I don't want to leave him on his own with DP because I know he won't sooth him when he's crying because he doesn't want to 'spoil him'. He's 12 days old ffs. He's generally doing my head in and I wish he was back at work already.

I have a 7 year old step daughter who is coming to stay next week. I'm feeling fragile and she is very full on when it comes to babies. She's met her brother twice and both times just wanted to hold him all the time. Absolutely fine and I love seeing them together. Same issue again. When baby cries, DP says she needs her time to hold him and he will be fine. I then have to sit there at 12 days post Partum listening to my baby cry for food because DP thinks that his DD holding him is more important. We should be teaching her that when he's hungry; she has to give him back and she can have cuddles after he's fed. She then looks at me after her dad had disagreed with me as if to say 'ha ha you're wrong' - she's 7 for goodness sake of course she's going to be happy her dad agreed with her but I feel so small.

I just can't stand anyone around me at the moment and want to hide in a corner with my baby and cry/feed him/get to know him.

AIBU? Am I being ridiculous? I'm so overwhelmed by everything and wish DP would just sod off back to work. I'm horrid, I know. I'm just a bit of a mess...

OP posts:
Original poster
DifferentD35 · 02/11/2018 20:13

Tomorrow he wants to go for a walk in the park a 30 minute drive away then go to a kids play area in the evening which is loud and busy. I just want to curl up all day in a ball and hide in the corner.

I understand this has turned in to a moan about DP thread but it's therapeutic and making me feel better...

OP posts:
HotSauceCommittee · 02/11/2018 20:15

Say “no” to the walk in the park. Say “no” to him taking your baby. Could you read him the riot act? Is he usually this selfish and controlling? Are you afraid of his reaction if you stand up to him?

Absofrigginlootly · 02/11/2018 20:16

Just tell him no!! OP have you heard any of the suggestions to get HV, MWs or his DM involved??

Get him to read this thread! Or those links I posted.

He clearly knows sod all about the needs of newborns and post partum mothers!!!!!

HotSauceCommittee · 02/11/2018 20:16

What about what you want?

troodiedoo · 02/11/2018 20:17

I'm so concerned about you OP. Do you have anywhere you can go with the baby? I think you need a break so you can start thinking straight. Flowers

SovietKitsch · 02/11/2018 20:17

Have you got a good friend you could go and stay with for a few days? I really think some time away with the baby would help you.

And you know, you get the last word about taking th baby back from SDD. If he cries just say “he needs his mum now” and take him back - regardless of what your DP says! If you can’t overrule him like that without fear, then you’ve got a definite “D”P problem

Original poster
DifferentD35 · 02/11/2018 20:18

I worry about his reaction. He would never hurt me but he's extremely stubborn and defensive and can't ever admit he's wrong. I am very soft and quite shy and have a tendency to let people walk all over me...

OP posts:
Original poster
DifferentD35 · 02/11/2018 20:19

I know I need to grow a pair but it's hard. I suffer from severe anxiety and OCD, am quite isolated and am extremely tired

OP posts:
troodiedoo · 02/11/2018 20:20

Your baby only has you to stick up for her best interests. You're stronger than you think x

Mamimawr · 02/11/2018 20:20

Please show him this - goo.gl/images/gD2u4U

Babies shouldn't have to cry before they're fed. My husband always passed my babies back when they were rooting. Grandmothers would try to soothe them and I would get very stressed.

Forgotmycoat · 02/11/2018 20:21

Just say no op.

Is there anywhere you can get away to for a bit? Or a friend who can come and be with you for a bit for moral support?
Your update makes him sound abusive op.

Rarotonga · 02/11/2018 20:21

Sorry to hear that these early days are so tough on you. My MIL snatched my newborn out of my arms and took him into another room, when he was feeding/rooting. She tried to do it several times. In the end I got a sling and the baby was in that for most of the duration of her visits... needs must. I don't know if using a wrap or sling could be an option?
Hope your partner gets back to work soon and you can have some precious time alone with your baby. I loved the first day where it was just me and my boy, with no one commenting on anything...bliss.

honeysucklejasmine · 02/11/2018 20:22

Oh love, please phone the health visitor of midwife asap. This is awful.

Forgotmycoat · 02/11/2018 20:22

Please vent here all you need. Someone will always be here to listen

SovietKitsch · 02/11/2018 20:23

It isn’t ok that you’re worried about his reaction- his reaction should be to support you. Have you got a friend you could at least spend an afternoon with?

Original poster
DifferentD35 · 02/11/2018 20:23

He's not abusive, just argumentative and stubborn and I give in to him being an arse sometimes...

OP posts:
McWilde · 02/11/2018 20:23

You need to put your foot down here OP, and if your not able to say no to your DP, you need to look at WHY you can't say no.
What are you afraid of?
In a normal supportive relationship, a woman would be able to say no to a big day out 12 days postpartum without a fuss, or wouldn't have to sit cringing at her baby rooting and crying with hunger.
This is effecting your child so you need to act, contact women's aid for a chat.

McWilde · 02/11/2018 20:25

Giving into him when your baby is obviously hungry is not normal OP. Please call Womens aid for a confidential chat.

SovietKitsch · 02/11/2018 20:26

Abusive doesn’t need to look like shouting and hitting, sometimes abusive is being just argumentative and stubborn enough to make sure your DP is too fearful to try and cross you.

CoolGirlsNeverGetAngry · 02/11/2018 20:26

Please, please don’t let him take your baby away. He sounds v controlling and frankly reading your updates is making me feel very worried for you. Can you and baby go out together somewhere like a friend’s house and camp out for a few hours?

Original poster
DifferentD35 · 02/11/2018 20:27

I can't say no because he is so stubborn that he will just argue with me and say something sarcy towards me and carry on what he's doing. It's tiring. Other times he's lovely, two extremes which makes it all confusing. He had huge anger issues. Never towards me but if he say bumps his head on a cupboard door he will punch it and go completely nuts. Obviously he's never done anything to me, but it's hard to approach someone like this.

OP posts:
Original poster
DifferentD35 · 02/11/2018 20:28

@McWilde I'm really trying but it's hard. This thread is hitting home 

OP posts:
McWilde · 02/11/2018 20:33

I am not trying to be horrible Lovey, I work in DV and the red flags pop out from your posts. When you're in it, sometimes you can't see the woods from the trees.
Honestly, give Womens Aid a call and just have a chat. You shouldn't be going through this 12 days postpartum Flowers

Santaisgettingbusy · 02/11/2018 20:34

Op, unfortunately his behaviour actually is abusive.
I would try and find the strength to confide as much to your hv.
She is on your side.

Forgotmycoat · 02/11/2018 20:35

If I was your friend op I'd come and be there for you. You sound ground down by him. I'm so sorry you're going through this op this. You and your baby don't deserve this.

Thinking of you xx

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