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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Just given birth and hate everyone.

249 replies

DifferentD35 · 02/11/2018 14:50

I'm 12 days PP.

My emotions are all over the place.

DP driving me insane. I just want to leave with the baby for a bit. He keeps telling me when the baby cries and roots that he isn't hungry he just wants comfort (how can he possibly know that. 99% of the time he is rooting because he wants food). He then won't give him to me to feed him and just sits there watching him root around and whine. He told me I shouldn't always respond when he cries because he's doing it for attention, so I don't want to leave him on his own with DP because I know he won't sooth him when he's crying because he doesn't want to 'spoil him'. He's 12 days old ffs. He's generally doing my head in and I wish he was back at work already.

I have a 7 year old step daughter who is coming to stay next week. I'm feeling fragile and she is very full on when it comes to babies. She's met her brother twice and both times just wanted to hold him all the time. Absolutely fine and I love seeing them together. Same issue again. When baby cries, DP says she needs her time to hold him and he will be fine. I then have to sit there at 12 days post Partum listening to my baby cry for food because DP thinks that his DD holding him is more important. We should be teaching her that when he's hungry; she has to give him back and she can have cuddles after he's fed. She then looks at me after her dad had disagreed with me as if to say 'ha ha you're wrong' - she's 7 for goodness sake of course she's going to be happy her dad agreed with her but I feel so small.

I just can't stand anyone around me at the moment and want to hide in a corner with my baby and cry/feed him/get to know him.

AIBU? Am I being ridiculous? I'm so overwhelmed by everything and wish DP would just sod off back to work. I'm horrid, I know. I'm just a bit of a mess...

OP posts:
beyondthesky · 02/11/2018 15:52

Haven't RTFT but do I understand you correctly that he is back in work on Monday while his DD comes to stay for a week - so for you to look after. If so I think that's really unfair.

It's different if you have another child permanently living in the house you have to get on with it, but adding another child into the mix at this time will make things unnecessarily difficult. He should be making your life easier not adding to it.

DontCallMeCharlotte · 02/11/2018 16:00

I think what I might do is name change on here and start a new thread in parenting (or the relevant board) in a lighter tone, something like:

"Ladies of MN, can you settle a small disagreement for me? When our 12 day old DS roots and whines, it is because he's hungry or is it because he wants comfort? TIA."

And then we all go over and find the thread and put our replies and then you can show it to your DP. Before you kill him.

And congratulations on your lovely new baby Smile

3timeslucky · 02/11/2018 16:02

The good news is that you're not horrid. You're not even a bit of a mess. And you don't hate everyone (just your dh and that's reasonable in the circumstances). You're completely normal. Your instincts are completely normal and correct. Your dh is a total arse and needs a swift kick up the backside. If he isn't listening to you get your midwife/HV (or anyone he will listen to) to talk to him. If I was anywhere near you I'd offer to administer the kick up the backside. Feeling very cross and upset on your behalf.

junebirthdaygirl · 02/11/2018 16:02

In the animal world if someone goes near their baby a mother can attack and kill them. Your mother instincts are at their highest to protect your new little one and he is out of order completely. Mind yourself and congrats.

Neolara · 02/11/2018 16:03

Who will your dh listen to? His mum? Or a sister? I'd explain to them the issue and get them to tell him not to be ridiculous. Although I guess there's a risk he's got his stupid ideas from them.

Knicknackpaddyflak · 02/11/2018 16:03

Letting a baby cry increases its cortisol and stress chemistry, (for long periods with unmet needs, please don't panic!) but it's why it's so important to teach babies from the start that needs will be met. At 12 days your baby doesn't know what hunger is, doesn't know what is wrong, doesn't know where you or anyone else is and hasn't yet learned where his body stops and yours starts. His body is acting on reflex for survival, that's what he's hardwired to do, just like you're hardwired to respond to him (and want to rip off the head to spit down the neck of anyone who gets in your way).

Why is dh worried about a tiny baby being 'spoiled'? How is it going to affect him? Is he worried about having you too occupied meeting the baby's needs, and is that worry about you being too tired or what attention is left for him? About not being able to meet those needs himself so he'd rather deny those needs exist? Why does he want to exert this control over you and the baby? If you can get him to think it through it may help.

And your HV will not think you're wasting their time, they'd see it as what they're for.

UpstartCrow · 02/11/2018 16:12

Where is your DH getting his information from?
(If he says'Jordan Peterson' then LTB.)

RChick · 02/11/2018 16:18

Hi OP
Congrats on the little one. I'd agree with suggestions of a third party to fight from your corner. Baby needs his grub!
Breastfeeding is an emotionally draining but very rewarding path. You need his full support. You're doing great but please ask someone to help you get this message across to him.

Believeitornot · 02/11/2018 16:18

Yanbu

Is this why he’s not with his previous wife/partner. Because he thinks he knows better Hmm

peachgreen · 02/11/2018 16:19

Your DP is being a dick. Mums very quickly learn the difference between their baby's cries (pain, hunger, boredom, too hot, too cold, wind etc etc) and you are quite right with all the hunger signs you list. Plus at his age it's perfectly natural for your baby to be cluster feeding. And a secure baby who knows his needs will be met quickly and caringly grows into a much more contented, happy baby. I'm really sorry you're having to deal with this.

Veganfortheanimals · 02/11/2018 16:19

Have you posted before ,I think I've read one of your threads ..your dp needs to put you first and your baby ..gave you a relative you could stay with for a while.and basically just take your baby of her..she shouldn't be holding him unsupervised anyway incase she drops him.she sounds like a madam who would accidentally have an accident for attention.take your baby back when you want him.regardless of who is holding him.

ethelfleda · 02/11/2018 16:21

Poor you OP.

Everyone who’s posted is right. Your poor baby doesn’t know the difference between being scared, hungry, tired, in pain. They all feel like bad feelings. And you make all his bad feelings go away.
It is true that a small baby’s needs have to be met. And they are needs - the need for comfort and reassurance is just as important as his need for food.

Singlenotsingle · 02/11/2018 16:22

New dads seem to get jealous at all the attention newborn babies need. Tell him to bugger off!

ethelfleda · 02/11/2018 16:23

I had my boy a year ago and DH was a god send during his paternity leave. Bringing me food and drink while I was breastfeeding, taking baby afterwards to wind him, cuddling him but handing him straight to me when he started rooting.
This is what you need - love and support.

Veganfortheanimals · 02/11/2018 16:31

Actually I'm really angry on your behalf op..have you not a female friend ,who could come over and be there when his daughter is to back you up and put them both in their place.if you were my friend ,he would know about it ,I'd rip his bloody head off.op find some strength to stand up to him ,or it will always be like this x

Juells · 02/11/2018 16:33

HRTFT but I can't believe all these threads from new mothers whose 'D'Hs or Ps take control of their babies and won't give them back when the mother asks. What's going on? Control freaks!!!!!!!!!! I have steam coming out my ears just reading the first page of this thread. :(

MarshaBradyo · 02/11/2018 16:35

I haven’t rtft but you are right not him

Fgs that would drive me insane, you get to feed your baby as much as your baby likes

FannyFanackerpants71 · 02/11/2018 16:38

Hello OP, I've read all your posts this week. Reading between the lines you are worrying about a number of issues all at the same time. Lovely, many posters this week have strongly urged you to speak to your health visitor. There is no shame in reaching out for help. If you feel you cannot do that , for whatever reason and it's is not easy for a close family member to join you today, have you thought about sourcing a local Doula? Even if it just for an hour?. You have expressed that you are experiencing baby blues and clearly there is a lot going on here for you. I personally feel a little bit of outside help, wherever it comes from, or what ever form it takes would be of such benefit to you.

BackBoiler · 02/11/2018 16:38

Babies do cry for attention....they are getting your attention to let you know they need something....you know because they cannot communicate in any other way!

This is the reply you need to give him!

Skarlet2018 · 02/11/2018 16:38

This is horrible and must stop today. It's not normal at all for a father to do this.

diddl · 02/11/2018 16:39

He's 12 days old-so fucking what if he just wants comfort???

Although it does sound as if he needs feeding.

He's also not a toy for his sister to keep hold of for as long as she wants.

Your partner sounds really nasty.

Is this to do with contro; or desperately trying to not let the oldest feel pushed out?

festivelyfoolish · 02/11/2018 16:39

You Hv could easily go along the lines of ‘parents of older children can often forget what is important in the newborn stage. Routine can be important for some babies later on if they like it and it relaxes them.

BolleauxtoBankers · 02/11/2018 16:40

Congratulations on your new-born, OP. Grin I don't know what to say about your partner, has he not read any books about babies? Why does he think he is the authority on new-borns, (which he clearly isn't, from what you've said) and not you, the mother? If you possibly can, you are just going to have to tell your partner and his daughter that you are the mother and you know best, and they will be doing what you tell them in relation to your son, in future, it is not up to them to decide. Even if you just quickly google new-borns, surely you will quickly find info which will show them they are wrong? That thing about "attention-seeking" is just bollocks, I'm afraid I'd be wanting to to do damage if I'd been told that about my new-born.
I hope you can sort this quickly. Flowers

MarshaBradyo · 02/11/2018 16:40

I feel angry that he’s being this idiotic so I can only imagine how you feel

festivelyfoolish · 02/11/2018 16:41

Also, if you need your parents around you, that’s a completely legitimate need - do going back to work, why not book a trip?

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