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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Angry with husband

181 replies

NewMummy0818 · 01/11/2018 22:19

I’m a new mum to a 3 month old. I doing the lions share of looking baby as well as most of the housework and cooking dinners from scratch every night for hubby getting home from work. He’s a teacher and leaves the house at 615am to get in for 7 (school starts at 8), then he works late most evenings as he’s trying to get a promotion. Usually home at 7/8. We had a row this evening as I told him I want to go swimming in the morning so he needs to go to work later. I plan to be at the pool for 6 so he can leave for work at 7. The pool only opens late a few nights a week and he can’t settle baby for bed time routine so that’s out. He thinks I’m being unreasonable asking as it’s not like he’s gallivanting, he’s working. But I honestly think he’s probably pretty inefficient at work and it hasn’t clicked that he has a child he needs to come home and help with.
I’m also concerned that he won’t cope when I go back to work in a few months. One of us needs to do drop offs and the other pickups from nursery, neither of us can do both. I earn double his salary so my Job has to come before his.

OP posts:
flumpybear · 01/11/2018 22:25

Tell him to man the fuck up!

Allthewaves · 01/11/2018 22:29

Does he bring any work home with him?

I'd have the discussion about pick up and drops offs now and get that sorted. I'd also leave him once a week to do bedtime - he has to learn

Aquamarine1029 · 01/11/2018 22:29

Your husband is taking the piss. Don't put up with it.

Justmuddlingalong · 01/11/2018 22:31

Why can't he settle the baby at bedtime, are you EBF?

OwlinaTree · 01/11/2018 22:32

Hummm. What time are you planning to be back from the pool? If it takes him 45 mins to get to work at 6:15, likely it will take him an hour later on. He probably needs to be there about 7:45 at the absolute latest if school starts at 8, so you will need to be back from the pool by 6:45. That's not much time tbh.

I would be more likely to want him to get in the habit of leaving early some days to see his child and give you a break. Also it sounds like he will need to collect his child from child care of he's starting so early. He needs to get used to leaving about 5 or before if the nursery shuts at 6.

I don't think it's fair to say your job is more important though. You both need to compromise so you can both keep working if that's what you both want.

Hopoindown31 · 01/11/2018 22:33

Sounds like normal teaching hours to me I'm afraid. I doubt telling him he is inefficient is going to go down to well tbh.

IStandWithPosie · 01/11/2018 22:33

Confused I’m a bit baffled by these comments.

He’s at work! If he leaves at 7 he’ll arrive at school 15 minutes before it’s starts! He’s a teacher in a school, that’s not sitting with your feet up!

IStandWithPosie · 01/11/2018 22:34

That should say some of these comments.

Barbie222 · 01/11/2018 22:37

He probably needs to be there about 7:45 at the absolute latest if school starts at 8

This comment alone shows how people misunderstand teaching. The show starts at 8! The prep starts an hour beforehand at least. I would not agree to get into school any later. That would really put out my day. I leave at 6 too and can't really get away earlier every day although I might be able to do this once a week. Why don't you swim on a Saturday?

arethereanyleftatall · 01/11/2018 22:37

Sorry, but no, your swim shouldn't come before his work.
I would tackle the him being able to put baby down bit, so that you can swim of an evening.

Barbie222 · 01/11/2018 22:39

I honestly think he’s probably pretty inefficient at work

You know him best but I think working for an hour before your class comes in isn't inefficient, it's normal.

Take heart that you will have lots of free childcare available in the school holidays, as no doubt he'll do this on top of all his schoolwork in the evenings as well.

OwlinaTree · 01/11/2018 22:40

I start teaching at 8:50 and arrive at 8:25/30. I don't have any choice to get there any earlier. It's doable, but as I said in my post, that's the minimum really I would think.

Petitepamplemousse · 01/11/2018 22:40

Hmm. As a teacher it is REALLY important to get in to school quite a while before the kids to set up and deal with various issues. Morning you may be being slightly unreasonable. Also there’s traffic to factor in. Evening, if school starts at 8 he is being unreasonable. I’m sure he could leave at say 5pm and take work home f necessary. We do work crazy hours but a lot of it can be done at home e.g. marking/planning.

ThatWouldBeNO · 01/11/2018 22:40

Those hours seem ridiculously excessive to be occurring everyday. Is there really that much extra he can do every day for hours that would help with a promotion - or would it actually appear that he is incompetent and struggling to get his usual work finished. Or (sorry to be blunt) is he actually at work and working or otherwise occupied (hobby, friends, etc)?

What you are proposing is not unreasonable in any way - it isn’t every day, he can still go in early the other days, and it is a fair compromise between you BOTH as new parents who have to adapt your lives to having a third family member.

Get it sorted now, together with getting him involved in the sleep routine - or you will be the one doing everything with baby and work and house and life. There are 2 parents/adults, and life changes after having a baby for both (or it should)!

moredoll · 01/11/2018 22:40

The school I went to started at 8.30. Teachers were required to be in the building at 8.00am.

But I honestly think he’s probably pretty inefficient at work

Why do you think this? During term time teachers work far more than 40 hours a week.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 01/11/2018 22:41

Can you not swim at the weekend? Whilst I appreciate its relentless looking after a baby and you deserve a break I think the morning suggestion is a bit of a stretch, it’s not really a job your partner could risk being late for

TheMythicalChicken · 01/11/2018 22:41

I honestly think YABU. Can you put on an exercise DVD instead and go swimming on the weekend?

BarbarianMum · 01/11/2018 22:42

If my dh told me thst his job was more important than mine because he earn't more (which he does) and that my work had to suffer so he could go swimming I would tell him to get to fuck.

Do you want him to progress his career OP or do you want to stay as second dog?

Petitepamplemousse · 01/11/2018 22:42

I have to echo the other commenters that really you do need to be in an hour minimum before the kids usually. At many schools it’s an unspoken expectation. But he must be able to leave a little earlier in the evening, surely. If not, it’s not necessarily his fault but his school doesn’t sound great tbh if it expects 13 hour days from staff.

Original poster
NewMummy0818 · 01/11/2018 22:44

The inefficiency thing is from seeing how he does things at home, he can’t seem to prioritise workflow.
He needs to be at school by 8 for a 815 start.
Re settling the baby, I agree he definitely needs to learn. I’ll give him the option of coming home straight after school and looking after her - I asked him what other parents do and they leave at 330. I think leaving me with the baby all that time is unfair.

OP posts:
Petitepamplemousse · 01/11/2018 22:44

Sorry for third post but I should have said / OP, teachers almost always work very long hours. So if he comes home earlier I imagine he’ll need to work quite a lot of hours at the weekend. How would you feel about that?

rededucator · 01/11/2018 22:44

If it takes him 45 mins to get to work and he leaves at 7 to let you swim he'd be cutting it very fine to be on time for registration

IStandWithPosie · 01/11/2018 22:45

Does the pool have a ladies morning with a crèche? Or could you hire a babysitter to have the baby for an hour every day while you swim?

MintGreen · 01/11/2018 22:46

I've been in your situation - I found it so hard and exhausting looking after a baby, that I resented every second that DH was out of the house BUT I know he was absolutely working his bollocks off -teaching is insanely demanding and the hours expected are ridiculous. So your DH might not be taking the piss, although it's really hard to acknowledge that when you're struggling to get half a second to yourself.
HOWEVER my DH didn't put DS to bed once for the first 2 years because I was breastfeeding so I would recommend trying to get him to step up with that one (with expressed milk if you're EBF) so that your baby gets used to DH doing it sooner. I also batch cooked on weekends while DH took DS for a walk in the pram so we had tons of stuff in the freezer that we could just lob in the microwave as needed, rather than cooking fresh every night.
Could you ask DH to come home early a couple of nights a week so he can look after baby and you can swim, then he can catch up on his lesson planning and marking later in the evening at home, rather than staying late at school to do it?

Barbie222 · 01/11/2018 22:46

If my dh told me thst his job was more important than mine because he earn't more (which he does) and that my work had to suffer so he could go swimming I would tell him to get to fuck.

+1.