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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Angry with husband

181 replies

NewMummy0818 · 01/11/2018 22:19

I’m a new mum to a 3 month old. I doing the lions share of looking baby as well as most of the housework and cooking dinners from scratch every night for hubby getting home from work. He’s a teacher and leaves the house at 615am to get in for 7 (school starts at 8), then he works late most evenings as he’s trying to get a promotion. Usually home at 7/8. We had a row this evening as I told him I want to go swimming in the morning so he needs to go to work later. I plan to be at the pool for 6 so he can leave for work at 7. The pool only opens late a few nights a week and he can’t settle baby for bed time routine so that’s out. He thinks I’m being unreasonable asking as it’s not like he’s gallivanting, he’s working. But I honestly think he’s probably pretty inefficient at work and it hasn’t clicked that he has a child he needs to come home and help with.
I’m also concerned that he won’t cope when I go back to work in a few months. One of us needs to do drop offs and the other pickups from nursery, neither of us can do both. I earn double his salary so my Job has to come before his.

OP posts:

Oblomov18 · 02/11/2018 08:20

Our gym has a crèche. Put baby into crèche and go fir a swim at any time of the day!

But yes he needs to get more involved in looking after his child. Generally. This 'I can't settle baby' thing is nonsense, get him doing that straight away!

larrygrylls · 02/11/2018 08:21

As a teacher, his hours will be pretty non-negotiable.

When you go back you have a choice of him giving up and being the SAHP, him going part time with the commensurate drop in earnings (and little chance of promotion) or you having to be flexible in your work, regardless of your earnings.

You need to think hard about the above because I suspect what you want is not possible.

And remember your husband will presumably do free child care in every single school holiday, which counts for a lot.

ustine · 02/11/2018 08:24

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

AroundTheWorldIn80Days · 02/11/2018 08:33

I’m a teacher and need to be there at least an hour before the day starts to organise my lessons etc. 15 minutes would not be enough to be fully prepared for the day imo. Most of my colleagues are the same. If he left at 7, if there was any traffic he may barely make it and then not have time to set up resources etc for the day. I think if you were to push this he would end up quite stressed out.

As the pool is open in the evenings can he start learning to settle your baby then? As you need time for things you want to do as well and he will feel less restrained by time in the evenings.

Also, as it seems like you will both be working long hours when you go back to work have you considered a nanny rather than a nursery? That way your baby would be fed and ready for bed and already at home in the evenings rather than you rushing around to collect and drop off. It would make your routine a lot less manic although I know it is much more cost effective if you have 2 children that you would be paying for at nursery.

JE17 · 02/11/2018 08:43

My DH is a teacher too. He is super organised. He used to arrive at school at 7am to get the majority of preparation and marking done, and this enabled him to come home at the end of the school day so I could pass DD to him and have a break (doing anything alone - shopping, cooking etc). If there was any extra work to do, he'd still come home after school and then catch up on whatever needed doing after DD bedtime.
I do not think YABU to ask that he comes home earlier. No doubt lots of his colleagues need to leave for childcare reasons too - he needs to acknowledge to himself that he belongs to that group now too.
We were in a similar position to you and he loved the change to part time work once my mat leave finished. Eventually he became SAHD and has only recently returned to teaching but still able to fit everything in to a similar working pattern as previously.

dontalltalkatonce · 02/11/2018 08:44

I doing the lions share of looking baby as well as most of the housework and cooking dinners from scratch every night for hubby getting home from work.

Fuck that for starters! Your employer is paying you to recover from childbirth and look after your baby, not become someone's domestic appliance. That needs to stop right now or he'll assume you're a housemaid on top of your job. I'd go swimming in the evenings and leave him with the baby. Fuck his 'can't settle her', too bad. It's his kid. He needs to look after her. Far too many women buy into this wifey bollocks and then resent it because it pretty entitled of a person to expect one person to do it all or check out of life because they work.

echt · 02/11/2018 08:45

Unless I've missed it, you haven't mention journey times. The 7-8 return in the evening is odd unless he has a long way to go. Is he working once he gets home? If so, he needs to change school. You don't mention his subject. What is it?

All things being equal and you earn shitloads, get a nanny, or exercise that is is free, e. g jogging

Smurf123 · 02/11/2018 08:45

I think he could definitely be home earlier to help you / let you out in the afternoon / evening and I say that as a teacher!
I'm back at work and have an almost 8 month old baby.. I get into work about 820 for kids arriving at 9 but we don't generally start prep to 830. Generally speaking I leave at the latest 430 and 3 on a Thursday / friday along with the rest of the staff. I do bring some planning and work home but I can do that once my son is in bed or settled with his daddy and my classroom is well planned and organised. My husband is used to me laminating or cutting out resources while we chat or watch TV but at least I have been able to take a break, have dinner and play with / feed / bath ds. Usually I do the extra work at the weekend though so I don't have to in the evenings.

echt · 02/11/2018 08:47

Oh, and he needs to cook or you need to stop martyring yourself on the from scratch meals.

Stringofpearls · 02/11/2018 08:50

My dad was a teacher and those hours sound very normal to me, at least he'll be off during the school holidays though. Sorry but at the moment I think you need to find another time or day to swim, unless you have a different family member or friend who would look after the baby for an hour or so? Could you take baby swimming? I know it wouldn't be the same type of swimming.

Believeitornot · 02/11/2018 08:54

I would be livid if my dh tried to insist I did my job a certain way or if he thought that I was inefficient at my job!

I would also be livid at the idea that his job took priority because he earns more.

Have you even discussed a change of hours in your workplace? I know plenty of dads who claim that they couldn’t possibly work fewer hours but the mums can and do get granted such requests.

PearsOfWisdom · 02/11/2018 08:55

Here’s a question - some of his colleagues will be mothers of babies and young children. Do they all leave the house and 7am and get back home at 8pm?

If not, then it’s not essential that he does it.

Because 7am -8pm each day requires either a nanny or family childcare. And I simply don’t believe that every single teacher parent in the Uk has that.

I don’t know any nurseries or childminders who do these hours every day.

FWIW, my children attend one of the top state schools in the country and I can assure you that there are very few teachers there every night until 7pm. I think your husband is BSing you.

BlaaBlaaBlaa · 02/11/2018 08:56

He does need to step up massively as you need to get this sorted before you go back to work BUT your job is not more important just because you earn more. It makes me furious to hear women use this logic about their husbands jobs coming first because they earn more and it's no better reversed.
I don't know what you do but arguably his job is possibly more important to society...... We need to stop using salary as a barometer of importance.

Stringofpearls · 02/11/2018 08:56

Also, on the food front, could you perhaps get him to cook something like a big lasagne/stew over the weekend and freeze it so that at least a couple of days a week it only needs warming up?

echt · 02/11/2018 08:57

I have never in forty years of teaching heard of a main scale teacher staying routinely until 7.00.

Believeitornot · 02/11/2018 08:59

He gets home at 7/8 so I don’t think he’s routinely staying until 7. Anyway that’s besides the point. I don’t know many 3 month old babies that settle for dads - usually comes when older.

But he should be coming home and making dinner while she does bedtime.

BlaaBlaaBlaa · 02/11/2018 09:01

Young babies can settle for dads ....but only if they are actively involved from day one.

dontalltalkatonce · 02/11/2018 09:05

Also, on the food front, could you perhaps get him to cook something like a big lasagne/stew over the weekend and freeze it so that at least a couple of days a week it only needs warming up?

She doesn't need to 'get him to cook something big', just stop skivvying for this bloke. He's an entitled wanker. Stop with the Stepford Wife routine, OP. He's not home until later because he wants to get out of life work. Make food for yourself, he can sort his own shit out. And leave his kid with him. Just walk out and disappear for a few hours. He's an adult, it's not rocket science, he can figure it out.

Mishappening · 02/11/2018 09:08

It is not unfair that he leaves baby with you - that is the best plan at this stage before you return to work. Teaching is hell - bloody hard work. Please don't denigrate him because he does not earn as much as you. That is a dreadful attitude and bodes ill for the future. And not his fault.

Find another way of exercising and swim at the weekends when he is there.

blackcat86 · 02/11/2018 09:09

I'm not sure how that will work in the morning OP. Why do you particularly want to go swimming? Could you not find something active for you and baby to do together like walking or ask a relative to babysit and go during the day? What's your back up plan if you get delayed at the pool, there's traffic etc?

JohnCRaven · 02/11/2018 09:09

If my dh told me thst his job was more important than mine because he earn't more (which he does) and that my work had to suffer so he could go swimming I would tell him to get to fuck

This

Mishappening · 02/11/2018 09:11

And please please please don't resent time with your baby - my DDs are now in their 30s and 40s and I would give the world to do it all again! This is precious time - treat it as the privilege that it is.

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 02/11/2018 09:12

It does sound like your DH isn't making the effort to accommodate his new baby into his schedule. You deserve time away from the baby and domestic duties. Hopefully he can see that.

echt · 02/11/2018 09:15

She doesn't need to 'get him to cook something big', just stop skivvying for this bloke. He's an entitled wanker

I'm missing the bit where he expects it. She does it, which is quite a different matter.

What I'm struggling with is how the OP has not conveyed any sense of her DH's job ( subject) travel time or after-school commitments. It's like she doesn't't get the job of her DH.

Juells · 02/11/2018 09:15

HRTFT but I wonder how they get anyone to go into teaching if teachers have to work such ridiculous hours for not much pay

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