Angry with husband

[NewMummy0818]

I’m a new mum to a 3 month old. I doing the lions share of looking baby as well as most of the housework and cooking dinners from scratch every night for hubby getting home from work. He’s a teacher and leaves the house at 615am to get in for 7 (school starts at 8), then he works late most evenings as he’s trying to get a promotion. Usually home at 7/8. We had a row this evening as I told him I want to go swimming in the morning so he needs to go to work later. I plan to be at the pool for 6 so he can leave for work at 7. The pool only opens late a few nights a week and he can’t settle baby for bed time routine so that’s out. He thinks I’m being unreasonable asking as it’s not like he’s gallivanting, he’s working. But I honestly think he’s probably pretty inefficient at work and it hasn’t clicked that he has a child he needs to come home and help with.
I’m also concerned that he won’t cope when I go back to work in a few months. One of us needs to do drop offs and the other pickups from nursery, neither of us can do both. I earn double his salary so my Job has to come before his.

YABU. And mean, your DH is prioritising work at the moment because you're on maternity leave.

This has nothing to do with your earning power or career. You want to go swimming, he wants to get to work at a reasonable time to do his prep. Teachers don't start 10 minutes before the kids or leave 10 minutes after they leave.

Maternity leave is hard, I get that, but you need childcare to have free time during the day.

Hi, I skipped a few pages of the thread so maybe this has already been said, but I (and most of my working mum teacher colleagues) leave school not long after home time. We pick up our own kids from school, do dinner, homework, clubs, bedtime and then at 830 we sit back down and work. You could suggest this to your DH.

@moredoll but she wasn't asking if putting her child I nursery was the right thing to do. I'm not coming at it from an emotive perspective....I'm coming at it from an academic perspective.

He's not home until later because he wants to get out of life work. Make food for yourself, he can sort his own shit out. And leave his kid with him. Just walk out and disappear for a few hours. He's an adult, it's not rocket science, he can figure it out.

Seriously? This is a marriage. A family. There’s got to be compromise. From both sides. But seriously this is just a recipe for an unhappy marriage

I think people saying your H doesn't need to work those hours has no idea of the workload of teachers. My DH works approx 80 hrs per week and also works at home in the holidays.

An 80 hour a week teaching job.
You really expect us to believe that?

It is such a hard adjustment, for both mother and father , having a baby. It sounds like you and your husband both have very demanding jobs.
As you have now already acknowledged, it's not feasible for your husband to leave any later, so getting him leaving work early for the collection of your DC later, makes sense.

I think it would be nice if you could support your husband in learning how to put your baby to bed, that will probably make you less resentful from doing everything and empower him slightly with the confidence of dealing with your child.

I would probably dismiss some of the advice from people on here on how to "deal with " you husband , unless you want to end up in the bitter relationships they sound like they are in. Work together. Treat each other as equals and make a little time to say nice things to each other.

I'm a teacher. I get in 15-20 mins before the kids due to childcare. It's fine. I get everything ready the day before. I did that before I had my own dc too as I'm just not a morning person. Most people do either get in early or stay late though.

You 'just' want to go swimming though. I think it's reasonable to ask him to come home for 5ish a couple of days a week whilst your on maternity leave. Sometimes you do just need a break from the baby. I used to do a lot of window watching at my dh's coming home time!

I'm a bit confused about the promotion and wanting part time in the future. No one in my school is allowed to be part time if they have any additional responsibility. It's part of the reason I've never gone for any. Even if I'd wanted to step down from the additional role I would only be able to if someone else in my department left at the same time or if someone else within the department wanted my role (and would be good at it). My flexible working request would have been automatically turned down. Of course there may be schools that do allow additional responsibilities for part timers, but I think they're probably pretty rare! If you both enjoy working full time though then you should both do it. My dd loves nursery and she goes 4 days a week, term time only.

*you're

We have part time head of departments and I’ve known a part time deputy head. Surely it is discrimination to refuse to allow part time staff to apply for promotion, since most part time staff are women.

am slightly confused about your husbands long term intentions for work.

In your op you said that he was working extra hard for a promotion. Then later on you have said that you've agreed that his job is the one that will be scaled back as it earns less.

If he knows he will need to scale back his work when you return to work why is he pushing for a promotion? Those usually lead to increased work loads...

I childmind for a couple of teachers and they drop off at 7:30am (but work quite close by so comfortably in for 8) but manage to pick up at 5 /5:30pm. There's no way all working teacher parents have access to 7-7 childcare so I agree your husband should be getting home earlier and spending time with Dc and giving you a chance at some time alone. If he has to do a couple of hours later in the evening so be it but I can't see all the staff routinely working 8-7 so that's presumably a choice he's making.

Op your DH is opting out. What were his hours before baby was born and were you doing all the wifework then as well?

A lot of teachers talking BS on this thread. I live opposite my DC's secondary school. The teachers' car park is practically empty 30 minutes before school starts and an hour after it ends. Standard school day is 6 hours, including lunch. A couple of hours home working gives a standard work day.

My DC's teachers are fantastic and they do a great job in normal working hours. I do know they put in extra time for stress points just as with any professional career but permanent 13 hour days are not sustainable for anyone.

It sounds like the timing of him going for the promotion might not be best if it means such long hours.

I think he can still try but there needs to be some compromises, ie 2-3 nights he's back at a more normal time.

Agree that you need to establish who is doing drop off / pick up now.

He also needs to learn how to do bedtime, if may mean compromises with bottles etc if you're breastfeeding.

I get that it is frustrating not being able to exercise. Could a gym with a creche be Wirth the investment?

Or just do what I've done and do some dvds, I've been using Jillian Michael 30 say shred.

Maybe he wants the promotion so his wife isn’t so dismissive about his job?

There absolutely needs to be a compromise. He should not be staying that late every night. There is no need to either ...unless there are parents evenings.

I'm an academic with a high teaching load. I leave before 5 every day. I bring work home but I leave on time to ensure I do my fair share of pick ups and so we get to eat together as a family. There is no reason a teacher working in a school can't do the same. In fact I know plenty that do.

He needs to come home early at least two nights a week. He should also be doing some of the bedtimes. You also need to discuss how the pick ups and drop offs will be shared. Teaching is one of those jobs that can become your life if you are not careful and firm in your boundaries.

Could he still go for his promotion but work 4 days a week for this year? Ask to go part time.
The headteacher will be desperate to get him back full time next year.

Why is a 80 hour week teaching job so hard to believe?

An 80 hour week equates to 11+ hours a day 7 days a week. I get that teaching is stressful job with lots of pressure but nobody should be working those hours. It is possible to be a successful teacher that gets promoted without working those kinds of hours.

It's completely unsustainable without the added responsibility of a family.

I'm an academic and could easily find myself working those kinds of hours as there is always something to do. But I don't....I set boundaries. I still manage to get promoted.

I’m a teacher. I’m
In school an hour before lessons start. I couldn’t do it with less time. Just booting up my computer and loading all the registers, emails and lesson presentations takes 15 minutes. Then l sort out lesson prep and photocopying. I just wouldn’t be able to perform properly on class if l didn’t get in that early.

However, l don’t hand around in the evenings much. I knock off about 4:30-5 but do bring stuff home with me.

Seven21. I think you’re school is breaking the law. They are not allowed to discriminate against part time workers, which they clearly are!

I work 3 days and hold a TLR. So do many of my colleagues who are part time.

An 80 hour a week teaching job.
You really expect us to believe that?

My DH is in a 'middle leader' position with 2 main responsibilities. He has a virtually full teaching timetable. In term time he usually gets up at 5.30 and does an hours marking before going in. He is rarely home before 7pm. He then works until 10pm at home mon-thurs nights. We live 10 mins from school so no commute. He works through his lunch every day. Then he works 7/8 hours on a Sunday. It's half term here he has worked throughout the week. It's Saturday and this morning he has had an email from a parent - direct contact on the school website, and he has replied to that and has had 3 work emails from colleagues. He does get his work emails to his phone as he says he can't keep on top of the sheer volume if he only dealt with these during school hours.
Maybe this is not everyone's experience of teaching but it is certainly ours. I have friends who have given up teaching as they can't juggle work/family.
I agree it's not fair, it should not be 'the norm' and it's certainly not sustainable. I worry my DH will make himself ill.
OP - it is a difficult situation for you. You will have to work out how you as a family manage. I now work PT, both kids are at secondary school and the youngest has autism. I am at home for them when they come back from school and I now do 99% of everything at home but this has not always been the case it is just what we have to do now. I hope you can find a solution OP but teaching is not a flexible job, even PT is inflexible.

Emails are big problem. People really need to set boundaries. Why is your husband replying to emails on a Saturday morning. Unless it's an absolute emergency don't reply until Monday. If you regularly reply on a weekend that's what people expect.

I have students emailing me at all hours and over the weekend but they didn't get a reply until Monday morning or office hours. Occasionally I'll write the reply to get it out of my head but stick in drafts until Monday. Stop being available 24/7. And I say that as someone who has a high pressure , stressful job.

I think we’re missing the point arguing over how many hours teachers do and whether it’s inflexible or not. None of us know whether the DH could leave at 5 and do a couple of hours at home.

What we do know is OP is planning on going back to work to a full time job which she doesn’t want to give up. Therefore, something will have to give and they need to be having this conversation now and OP needs to communicate to her DH what will need to happen for her to be able to continue with her job. He can’t just opt out of drop offs and pick ups.

@smartiecake

That’s not an 80 hour week.

So he works 5.30-6.30 am five days a week
Then 7.30am-6.30 five days
7.5 hours on a Sunday

That’s 67 hours a week. And then you reckon a few hours on a Saturday. So let’s say 70.

My point? 70 is a lot. A huge amount and on a teacher’s pay it’s even more excessive. But it’s not an 80 hour week, and I think these figures are bandied around because teachers do work long hours but I suspect may be not quite as much as they and their families feel like it is because it is outside of formal school hours.